


CUT

by Hichanchen, Smut_Hemingway



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Arthouse Movies, Bottom Chae Hyungwon, Complete, Drama, Everyone Is Gay, Exotic Hobbies, Fluff, Gustav Klimt because we're hoes, Hoseok is edgy, HyungWonho - Freeform, Hyungwon is a loner, Intense gaze, M/M, Masks, Mention of phobias, Movie Director Hyungwon, No slutshaming allowed, Red-haired Hoseok, Smut, THIS FIC IS SO HOT, Theater-major Hoseok, This story is about vulnerability and weaknesses, Top Shin Hoseok | Wonho, Vienna, hoseok is younger, seriously, slowburn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-05
Updated: 2019-05-03
Packaged: 2020-01-05 04:05:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 160,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18358262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hichanchen/pseuds/Hichanchen, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smut_Hemingway/pseuds/Smut_Hemingway
Summary: If we meet a person, do we see their real face, or only the mask they are hiding behind?For Hyungwon the mask is like ice, thick but transparent, making him appear invincible to the young red-haired delivery boy he wants to cast for his new art-house movie. As soon as he finds out about the boy's uncommon hobby, Hyungwon becomes curious about Hoseok, the person concealed by the red mask, the one who attempts to melt the ice he is hiding behind.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Dear readers,  
> We are back with our newest story: CUT. It is again a story that doesn't compare to the others and we really enjoyed writing it and hope that you will enjoy reading it and get a glimpse of the thoughts we had while creating it.  
>   
> The story is already written and we will be updating every second day, so you can look forward to that!  
>   
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
> [Maria](http://twitter.com/Fight_Hemingway)  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
>   
>   
>   
> We are really hoping that you will enjoy this story as much as our previous works if not more and will be able to learn something from it.  
>   
> We write one character each, also if it is the perspective of the respective other character  
> @Hichanchen writes Hyungwon (and Kihyun) and  
> @Smut_Hemingway writes Wonho/Hoseok (and Minhyuk)  
> A special Thank You to our beta-readers Molly and Natalie.  
>   
>   
> We are always so damn grateful about every little bit of feedback, be it a comment, a kudos or a message on Twitter :D You guys are the major reason that we write! (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)  
> (We also have another story prepared, so stay tuned.)

_“I understand, all right. The hopeless dream of being - not seeming, but being. At every waking moment, alert. The gulf between what you are with others and what you are alone. The vertigo and the constant hunger to be exposed, to be seen through, perhaps even wiped out. Every inflection and every gesture a lie, every smile a grimace. Suicide? No, too vulgar. But you can refuse to move, refuse to talk, so that you don't have to lie. You can shut yourself in. Then you needn't play any parts or make wrong gestures. Or so you thought. But reality is diabolical. Your hiding place isn't watertight. Life trickles in from the outside, and you're forced to react. No one asks if it is true or false, if you're genuine or just a sham. Such things matter only in the theatre, and hardly there either. I understand why you don't speak, why you don't move, why you've created a part for yourself out of apathy. I understand. I admire. You should go on with this part until it is played out, until it loses interest for you. Then you can leave it, just as you've left your other parts one by one.”_

― Ingmar Bergman

 

 

CHAPTER 1

 

 

“Happy New Year,” Minhyuk yelled and slapped his back so hard that he almost fell forward, spilling some of his Mojito on the floor and his red Chucks.

“I didn't mean to start it by pouring alcohol all over myself, thank you. But happy New Year to you too. I can't believe it's 2019 already, what did I do, where did all the time go? Fuck my life. Why do I still have no money?” Chuckling, Hoseok twirled the crushed ice in his drink and took a long sip. It was fortunate that his best friend knew enough people to drag him to a New Year’s celebration with free alcohol and pretty boys, just the way he liked it. He really needed it, especially after the stupid breakup a week ago.

_Was it even a breakup?_

Not really. Not in the classical sense, but him and the ridiculously handsome black-haired guy had met rather often and not only slept with each other, but also talked. It was as close to a real relationship as he could get with his lack of money, his commitment issues and his unusual part time job.

_Sad._

It was unfortunate, but Hoseok wasn't delusional. It was fun, it made him feel warm for a few hours, but it was all in the past and now a new year has started, giving him the long awaited opportunity to become an actor.

_Opportunity to learn how to act._

Yeah. That.

“Who would've thought that you would be accepted at the Music and Arts University in Vienna? It seems like a dream. Remember how you forgot half of your lines in Macbeth back in seventh grade even though you knew everybody's lines by heart?” Minhyuk simply loved reminding people of their flaws and past mistakes. How else would Hoseok know that he had come so far if it wasn't for his friend who could list every single failure he had ever witnessed. Minhyuk didn't even have to witness it, he could just hear about it. One time exposure to the information was enough to be tortured forever.

“I know, right? I guess my professor in body language and motion training should consider how well I can move if it's not necessarily about Shakespeare and if I wear a red mask.” The reply made Minhyuk giggle and he earned another slap against his shoulder.

“You're nuts and you better not show him. But honestly, why not? You're having fun and making money to pay for something that you really want to do, there's nothing bad about it. When do lectures start?” His best friend curled his arm around him and placed a wet kiss against his cheek. “Anyways. Happy New Year. I'm happy that both of us decided to stay here. I would've missed you. A lot.”

He was really cute. Minhyuk was.

“Sixth of January,” he muttered in reply and hugged back. “Happy New Year.”

 

***

 

Hyungwon wrapped his fingers around the base of the champagne glass, taking it from the tray in a quick motion. It was particularly well calculated of him to grab it right as the waiter hurried past, anxious to hand everybody one before the clock chimed midnight.

The gala wasn't to his liking, filled with individuals that had ridiculously overstated opinions of themselves and held in spacious rooms covered in dark red decorations. The vibrant colour reminded him of the way he had always imagined Snow White’s poisoned apple. There was nothing wrong with the apple per se, it could have been depicted beautifully on a white-black velvet cloth, arranged in the centre of the hall with dramatic music by Hans Zimmer.

But there was no apple, only pointless red table cloths and a multitude of people with champagne, ready to celebrate the upcoming year, 2019.

There was a Russian axiom that said the way you meet the new year is how you will spend it. Hyungwon was immensely thankful that his Korean American heritage meant that the axiom didn't apply to him.

_You're going to spend it the way you always do, independent of how you are going to meet it._

The big number ten, written in sparkly golden letters on a screen across the room caught his attention. It seamlessly morphed into a nine as the people around him began to yell the numbers, counting down towards the new year.

As the number two occupied the white screen, Hyungwon took a sip of his champagne, savouring the taste and leaving it for a little longer on his tongue. He enjoyed acting according to his own tempo, ahead of everybody else.

_It doesn't matter whether it is art or something as simple as enjoying a glass of Champagne._

Loud cheers echoed through the hall as familiar and unfamiliar faces appeared and voices congratulated him, clinking their glasses together and smiling brightly. It was a little infectious, so he lifted the right corner of his mouth while still thinking about the reason he was there. There was a reason for everything and Hyungwon's was as clear as day.

“Happy New Year, Ms. Pichler, it is a pleasure to see you here,” he exclaimed cheerfully as he stepped right in front of the woman he had been looking for. Bright red lipstick occluded the real contour of her lips, a smooth curve and dip in the middle of her bottom lip, just the way he had imagined it for Marie. She was the perfect Marie.

“Oh, Mr. Chae, how unexpected to see you at a gala like this,” the beautiful woman replied and brushed a blonde, almost white strand of hair from her face, revealing her silver eyes and freckles that she hid with a thick layer of make-up. Hyungwon barely contained a frown at the sight. She was perfect, but not now, not with her current attire and makeup. It was distasteful, but that could be easily changed.

“I have an offer for you, Ms. Pichler,” he began and lifted the right corner of his mouth briefly before taking a sip of his champagne. It tasted much better after observing the expression on the young woman's face.

After all it was an offer she couldn't refuse.

 

***

 

“Oh you’re back already? You can rest for twenty minutes before the next delivery, if you like.” His boss was in a good mood today and he even got something to eat for free. Grinning brightly due to all the nice things that kept happening, he sat down on one of the plastic chairs and scrolled through his script for the drama seminar tomorrow.

_You should get a raise because your hair matches  the red brand logo._

Chuckling at his thoughts, he stuffed the chicken into his mouth and chewed furiously to save time. Suddenly his boss came over and tapped his shoulder lightly.

“Hey, this is Max, our newest delivery guy, you can tell him a bit about the job if you have time.”

_You thought you could study and eat, but fine._

Hoseok left his fork in the red sauce and turned to his new colleague while smiling one of his prettiest smiles. At least he thought so.

Max was tall and skinny, his face was- familiar?

_Fuck. He’s the guy from three weeks ago. Fuck._

If there was something that he hated, then it was awkwardness. Especially the kind of awkwardness that you could only experience  after meeting someone for the second time and not remember their name, but definitely the way they felt from the inside.

_He did feel nice though._

He must’ve looked panic-stricken, searching for Hao, his boss, who was taking an order on the phone. Jumping up like a crazy person, he flashed an apologetic smile at the owner of the nice body and ran over to the kitchen. Luck was on his side, as there was a just completed order, ready to be delivered. Grinning, he snatched the box and the invoice, jumped on the scooter and drove off.

_Your luck is really shit. First the dude in the lecture and now even at work. Damn it._

Honestly, it was also a little bit funny. He got very close to certain individuals and it happened more often in the breaks between terms. It sometimes happened that he had to talk or interact with people who he had seen in quite compromising positions, let alone the things they said. Let’s just say there wasn’t anything he hadn't heard.

However, he had two jobs and his second job consisted of delivering food to people who ordered it, so he drove over the Danube to the eastern part of the city. The address was weird, but he knew Vienna like the back of his hand, so he found the location after a short time. To his  surprise it turned out to be the big studio that his university usually rented for different domestic and foreign movie projects.

_They’re probably filming something._

Looking at the address again to confirm it, he took the big box and walked into the building, led by the noises coming from the set that seemed to be located in studio 1. The biggest one.

_They have money, it’s expensive as fuck. Imagine yourself renting a space like this, holy shit._

He couldn’t help a chuckle at the thought of himself lying in the middle of the 300m² studio, naked and swinging a pair of handcuffs. However, he didn't want to disturb them as they were probably filming an important scene, so he waited in front of the door until he heard a very sharp and low ‘cut’. Inhaling once, Hoseok pushed the handle and entered the brightly illuminated room, searching for someone who might have placed the order. It was cluttered with cameras arranged all over the place, people running back and forth, some of them cleaning up shattered glass on the floor. Most of the studio was occupied by a gigantic film set that Hoseok couldn't figure out from the outside. It could have been a house, but also anything else that needed walls.

“Hello. I have a big delivery for Mr. Chae?” he asked, unsure who of the many people was ‘Chae’.

“Let me take that,” a rather tired-looking man with simple, black hair remarked next to him and held out his hand. He was a little shorter than him, wore an in-ear and appeared to be listening to someone through it. “We just paused filming, so things are a bit chaotic. You're early, we weren't expecting the food for another 15 minutes at least. That's what the email said. Are you guys always giving wrong times just to make sure you're not late?” Rough hands brushed through the boring looking bob cut and the man in front of him sighed. He must have been some kind of stagehand judging by the way he gestured for people to go somewhere whenever they were about to come up to him.

_Poor guys have probably been filming for a long time already._

Ruffling up his hair a little, he smiled shyly.

“No, I was supposed to be on my break, but I decided to save it for later, so I came. Sorry if it’s unexpected, the food is well packed though, so it will definitely stay hot and tasty for another fifteen minutes, Sir.” He pulled out the invoice that he had put into his jacket and handed it to the tired looking man. “Here is your invoice, Sir.”

“You don't care who signs, right?” was the follow-up question as the black-haired man  accepted the bill and stared at it, probably checking if it was exactly as ordered. “Thank you for the sacrifice. Let me give you some advice though, don't give up your time unless you're sure you'll get something in return. Some guys are pretty- let's say particular about their deliveries. I'm sure you know.”

_His boss must suck big time._

“Yes, I know. But it wasn’t a sacrifice, more- avoidance of something I didn’t like, so it worked out pretty well for me. Thank you for your advice though, Sir. I see you already paid online. That means I only need a signature and I’ll disappear quietly. I promise.” Again he couldn’t help a smile and waited for the black-haired man to sign.

There was a tired smile in return that didn't show much on the other man's lips, but reached his eyes, that is, until a low voice sounded next to them.

“Who's this?”

A glance to the side revealed a rather young looking man, especially compared to the tired person in front of Hoseok who had wanted to sign for the food. The newcomer had dark-brown hair that was styled to reveal his forehead. His shoulders were broad and formed a triangle that ended with a ridiculously slim waist, emphasized by a white shirt that was tucked into suit pants, and endless legs. He resembled one of those business majors that walked past the art school to the Vienna Business School. The only thing that didn't fit was the face. The man had big eyes that were wide and attentive as they passed over his whole body, starting at his hair and continuing all the way down before they finally settled back on his face. Hoseok wasn't wearing a uniform or anything, so it was possible to be confused, but checking him out from top to bottom wasn't necessary. At least not to that extent.

His big eyes were accompanied by plump lips, the second most prominent feature on the other man's face. They appeared to be constantly set in a frown, dissatisfied with Hoseok’s presence.

“I believe you gave me a list of everybody present, or is that incorrect?” the brown-haired man asked, the permanent frown and pursed lips remaining on his face. He looked weird.

_An actor._

Smiling once again to hopefully get out of the strange situation, Hoseok nodded at the brown-haired actor, before ruffling up his hair again, a persistent habit he showed when he was nervous. Damn it.

“I brought the delivery, Sir. I’ll be gone in a second, I only need the invoice back that this person already signed for me. Please don’t let yourself be disturbed,” Hoseok said before meeting the brown eyes of the tired person in front of him and reaching for the piece of paper. The tired employee smiled back at him, visibly relieved.

“Wait,” was the sudden, low reply as his eyes turned to the actor next to him. There was a change in the expression as the other man's big eyes narrowed briefly, only to return to their previous size. At first Hoseok had the impression that his smile was effective, charming the tall actor, but there was still something unusual to it, incomprehensible. The right corner of the other man's mouth twitched before it lifted as another glance passed over Hoseok’s whole body. “You're a delivery boy?”

_Well, yeah?_

“Me? Yes. I brought your delivery and will be on my way as soon as I get the invoice back.” He came to the conclusion that these two must be in a bad mood. Film wasn’t theatre, he knew it well, but the tired faces and annoyed expressions supported his decision once again. Theatre had definitely been the right choice.

“How do you feel about acting? Actually- Nevermind. Would you act if given the opportunity?” was the next question as the actor stepped closer, taking the signed invoice and examining it for only a fraction of a second. He was rather tall, several centimetres taller than him but really slim apart from his broad shoulders.

“Mr. C-”

“You can get back to work,” the actor cut off the poor employee and gestured for him to move along with the other stream of people rearranging cameras and cleaning up.

Smiling brightly, he remembered his favorite quote by Sanford Meisner and stepped a little closer, afraid that he would never get his invoice back.

“The foundation of acting is the reality of doing. I’m a drama major, I love the theatre and I act when given the opportunity, mostly in university productions. Occasionally.” Shit, he really needed the invoice.

“The best acting is instinctive. I see you are learning your motivational quotes,” the other man replied with a brief hint of a grin as he twirled the invoice between his index and middle finger. It felt like Hoseok was a donkey with a fucking carrot on a string in front of him. “You're perfect. I have an offer for you and... it's under a simple condition.”

What condition could there be, if he had brought the food and everything on time? He simply wanted to go back, this was his last delivery and he really needed to study for the seminar tomorrow. Fuck.

“Thank you, Sir, but I really need to get back,” he murmured, staring at the white piece of paper. It was already signed, how hard could it be to get it and go back?

“Are you sure that you want to become an actor? One of the first premises should be to never let go of an opportunity, which is what I am offering you. I am sure that is better than whatever you are paid for… this.” The actor raised an eyebrow and gestured towards the stack of lunch boxes he had carried into the studio.

_Fuck him._

Hoseok knew these kind of people. They were mostly disagreeable, started  discussions despite his attempts to leave, gave unwanted advice, told him that he sucked and that his job was shit and that he should’ve done this or that, just like them. God, he was so sick of it. It was late.

“I’m sure,” he muttered and licked over his lips, before reaching for the piece of paper and ripping it out of the other man’s long, bony fingers. He was quick to jump back and grin. “Thank you so much for your advice, I hope your movie will be a success, enjoy the food, Sir,” he commented quickly and walked backwards.

There was a quick change in expression as big brown eyes widened and the other man stepped in between him and the door, one slim hand resting on the door frame.

“You must have misunderstood. I am offering you a chance to act in a movie and you attempt to run away. You're perfect for a role I have in mind, head to toes,” he elaborated and ignored an employee that obviously wanted to pass through, carrying a gigantic, fluffy microphone.

Shaking his head furiously, Hoseok stuffed the invoice into the pocket of his blue jeans. Why were people so weird? Why couldn’t they eat their food and leave people alone. Acting in a movie? He never acted in front of a camera, there was no reason for the young, bad-tempered dude to act as if he wanted to cast him. He wasn’t stupid.

_He probably wants to humiliate you for fun. Amazing._

“No, I think you misunderstood. I said that I needed to leave and you are trying to block me from going back to my job. I still hope that you’ll have a nice day and a tasty meal.” Sighing, he curled his fingers around the edge of the door and pushed the guy’s foot along with the heavy metal. He really wanted to leave.

“Please give me five minutes of your time, I am sure it won't overly inconvenience you.” Passing a serious glance over his face the brown-haired man pulled a sleek phone from the back pocket of his suit pants and typed something quickly. Another second passed as the phone was pressed to the  man's ear and he heard a familiar voice on the other end.

“Mr. Chae speaking, I just placed an order and happen to have your employee here. I would like to keep him for a few minutes longer and will gladly compensate for his work time.”

There was some murmuring on the other end before another dark gaze met him. “I understand,” the actor commented and ended the call. “I see your shift is over. Shouldn't it be possible to have five minutes of your time then?”

_Amazing. Hao must’ve told him that this was your last delivery._

“Fine, it was my last delivery, but I still don’t want to act in a movie. There are so many people who really want to, they should get this amazing opportunity and I have to study, so- please have a nice day,” he said, swallowing all the curse words itching to get out. Again his hands reached for his hair and he ruffled it up.

The way the brown eyes obviously followed each of his motions was a little disconcerting.

_He’s creepy._

“But it is of no interest to me who wants the opportunity. What matters is that I find the perfect individual for the role I have in mind and by chance that happens to be you, starting with your nervous gestures and ending with the features of your smile.” It didn't really sound like a compliment when the brown-haired man said it, more like a factual observation. “You're perfect and whether you are an actor or a delivery boy is secondary. You can be taught.”

The place was bustling, people talking and rearranging the set, carrying objects and dropping something metallic on the ground. Rushed steps sounded above the noise and moved towards them, belonging to a short man with narrow eyes that stopped right next to them. He looked a little out of breath and also a little younger than the rest.

“Are you-” there was a rough breath, “are you genuinely planning on casting somebody without acting experience? On the first day of filming?”

“Yes,” the actor next to him replied simply and it must have been convincing enough for the breathless man with the elongated eyes to remain quiet and glance at Hoseok.

“You don’t have to worry, because I’m not going to do it,” Hoseok murmured in the direction of the black-haired man who carried a clipboard and looked a little important. God, he could’ve learned three pages by now and practiced three times in front of the mirror, or Minhyuk, depending on his mood. “I’m sure you can find someone with better ‘nervous gestures’. Smiling once again to emphasize the sarcasm, he opened the door further. Something inside him told him to run as fast as he could and never go back, but his mom didn’t raise a rude bastard, so he had to say goodbye. “I’m very thankful for the opportunity, but I must decline. I have to study and work and am in no way able to invest that much time and effort into something that’s not part of my studies. Thank you, Sir.”

The actor was silent as he watched him intently, glancing towards the man beside him briefly before they returned to Hoseok.

“Acting in a film would be the most effective studying, it will pay you enough to not have to work for a while, especially with the advance payment. Furthermore, it shouldn't be a problem talking to your professors as I am familiar with the director. I doubt he would oppose a student acting in one of my projects. You are of legal age, aren't you?”

_One of his works? He’s not an actor. Is he a director?_

The man with the remarkable eyes pursed his lips a little and wrote something on a clipboard, pen scratching over the paper furiously.

“I’m 19.” Hoseok really didn’t like him. The longer the other man spoke, the more he wanted to tell him to leave him alone. “As I mentioned, I have no interest in movie acting. I wish you lots of success, Mr.” Sighing, he ruffled his hair again and waited for the moment the brown-haired guy looked to the side to slide out of the door. As soon as he was out, he ran to his scooter like a crazy person, turning the keys and putting on his helmet half-assedly.

_Fuck off as fast as possible._

 

***

“You just scared off a teenager,” his assistant director remarked with a loud sigh and ripped a page from his clipboard. As soon as one of the PAs ran past them with a large garbage bag, the man in front of him threw the piece away. “Guess there are no contracts to cancel then, thank god.”

“We'll see about that,” Hyungwon replied quietly, thinking about the delivery boy's gait, the way he had smoothly slipped out of the heavy door despite his broad build. The red-haired man was perfect, even the red hair was. Of course it wasn't natural, but Hyungwon loved it, he loved the way it would give the shots something magical, surreal even, make the boy seem dangerous despite the innocent appearance. He was perfect.

His nervous gesture of ruffling his red hair was boyish, his smile was innocent even though Hyungwon was pretty sure that the boy behind it was not. There wasn't anybody who could bring the role he had in mind alive to the degree that the random delivery boy that brought his Chinese food could. It didn't matter whether he was studying, a novice at acting or had deliveries to take care of. If the boy was perfect then there had to be a way to have him in the movie.

“We will pause the production, if he can fulfil my condition we need to take him,” he added and turned around swiftly. He still had a few scenes that could be shot without the youngest brother, but there weren't many.

“What condition?” his assistant director asked, but didn't expect an answer. He had worked with Hyungwon for long enough to know that he never revealed his methods of casting actors. There was something instinctive to it.

“Concentrate on the relevant things, like the right time to order delivery,” he replied instead and brushed the other man off with a motion of his hand. He needed that boy to be Benjamin, nobody else.

_

Usually Hyungwon knew what needed to be done to convince an actor or an actress to be part of his project. Most individuals were easy to see through, to judge from their past career. He had only had a rejection once, and it wasn't because of his work, but because the actress had left the industry, choosing a profession that was more to her liking than the competitiveness of film making.

Waiting for the delivery of Chinese food while supervising another scene that takes place at the beginning, showing the married couple before the death of the husband, wasn't particularly one of his smartest ideas. However, it was better than giving up on the delivery boy. He was perfect and seeing him again was most likely going to confirm that.

The minutes ticked by and the misunderstandings that some of the minor actors still incorporated into their roles were frustrating. There were specific motivations for the actions and words and it was the third time that he had to elaborate on the motifs and issues that were the source of them. He remained calm but gestured wildly as he pointed out the errors in the actor’s thought process that resulted in a problematic performance. Mr. Gruber had to be played as a rough man, not a caring husband even if it was the nature of the actor who played him.

“Please keep in mind what kind of person you are playing, everything he does leads to his eminent death,” he commented finally and sighed again, massaging his temples.

A glance towards the entrance of the set revealed familiar bright red hair, a confirmation that he had correctly assumed the number of delivery employees of the small Chinese food place. Not many.

Smiling briefly at his ability to get the delivery boy on set, he brushed over his suit pants and kept the sleeves of his white shirt pulled up. His perfect Benjamin had been watching him talk to the actors. That could be good or bad.

“It is a pleasure to see you again, were you able to study successfully yesterday?” he asked to ease himself into the conversation, lips almost trembling at the urge to tell the boy to be Benjamin.

“Good evening, Sir. I was pretty tired, so I have to catch up today. I brought your order.” The red head bowed down as the broadly built boy started unpacking the containers with the food he had ordered.

“Have you thought about the offer I made you last time? It still stands,” he pointed out and licked over his lips while his eyes followed the contrast between the boy's body and his face. It resembled two different worlds. His body and hair were one while his face and expressions were another.

A pair of dark-brown, almost black eyes, appeared from under the boy’s red bangs as he stared at him for a few seconds before reaching for his hair in the nervous gesture that he had already seen a few times.

“I mentioned before that I am not interested in being a movie actor. I hope it's not the reason for getting this delivery. Although it's my job, so it's not my business why you would get a delivery, Sir.” The dark eyes disappeared again as the boy finished unpacking and got up from his crouching position.

Hyungwon's lips spread in a grin for a few seconds at the boy's smooth observation. He wasn't dumb and apparently also stubborn, it fit too, even if it stood in opposition to his goal to cast him.

“You have observed correctly. I hoped to convince you, as you are still the perfect person for the role I have in mind. I haven't given up yet, because the reasons you told me last time aren't real hindrances. All of them can be adjusted around the filming if necessary.”

“What would you gain from convincing me, Sir? I've never stood in front of a camera before, only a live crowd. Please consider taking someone who is qualified and most importantly willing and happy about such an offer,” the boy murmured and pulled a piece of paper out of the front pocket of his jeans, handing it to him. His eyes resembled the innocent begging of a child with how round and desperate they suddenly became. “Please sign this, Sir.”

_He can't leave unless you sign this._

Hyungwon nodded as he pulled a fountain pen from the chest pocket of his white shirt. He somehow doubted that not signing the invoice was going to be the right technique to convince the boy to appear in the film. It might have worked to keep him before, but bitterness wasn't the right emotion for the character. It had to be the slight interest, the desperation and a hint of fake innocence as he had seen it.

“I will sign it, but will you give me a few minutes of your time to explain? I won't keep you afterwards,” he elaborated and watched the way the boy's eyes widened a little. The curve of his lip, it reminded him of Marie apart from the perfect shape, not interrupted by anything. It could have been drawn by an incredibly talented artist.

Sighing, the red-haired delivery boy got his phone from his pocket and looked at the time before looking him in the eyes and nodding.

The compliance deserved a smile, so Hyungwon did, pulling his lips thin the way he always did and signed the invoice with his full name.

“When you watch a film, is every good actor capable of evoking emotions in you? Of creating a certain mood or atmosphere?” he asked and returned his fountain pen to his pocket, eyes briefly glancing towards the set where the actors were discussing the upcoming scene. Hopefully his talk with the delivery boy would give them enough time to understand what they were meant to do.

There was a thoughtful look on the expressive face.  A pale hand reached for the red bangs and brushed them back, revealing the boy’s forehead, black eyebrows furrowed and eyes focused on something on the side.

“No,” he answered and met his gaze.

“That's because not every actor is made for every role, independent of how good they are. You mentioned it yourself, Sanford Meisner said that acting is behaving truthfully under imaginary circumstances. However, not every person would act the same way under the same imaginary circumstances. You will do it differently compared to another actor, even if I tell you the background and the motivation of the character I have in mind. Seeing you, it is clear to me that you already do it, you have the motions, the responses and the impression that I want to show and film. Whether you can stand in front of a camera is secondary to me, because that can be taught,” he elaborated and gestured towards one of the PAs, so the woman could take the food and arrange the dinner break. “Responding the correct way on the other hand, that cannot be taught, not in such a way that it evokes emotions in the people that watch.”

“What you say makes sense, but you just watched me bring food in here, Sir. There is nothing-” the low voice didn't finish the sentence as the boy’s phone vibrated. “Anyways, I'm flattered that I fit into some impression you want to show, but I have to work and to study. I'm sure that your film will turn out well. Please enjoy your food and get some rest. You look tired, Sir.” There was a small piece of paper that fell on the ground as the red-haired boy took out his phone, but he hadn't noticed yet.

Hyungwon stared at it for a few moments before returning his gaze to the delivery boy's face. His left foot smoothly landed on top of the paper, hiding it from sight. Whatever it was, it could have information, a solution to his problem or it could be the invoice he had just signed. Hopefully it was useful and could be returned later, during another meeting.

“I am sure that we can find a way around your concerns. You will still be able to study and working will be superfluous as you get compensated generously for the movie. If you understand what I told you, you should also know that it is rare to meet somebody perfect for a role. It's difficult to let go of someone like that.” His face was calm as always, lips pulling together a little bit at the stubbornness the red-haired boy kept showing. Why would an acting major reject the opportunity to act? It was ridiculous.

“I am sure that you can find someone similar. Have a nice day, Sir.” The boy smiled, but this time it wasn't as innocent as before. The pale hands grabbed the red delivery bag and swung it over the boy’s broad shoulder. There was a nod and he watched the muscular figure disappear, body moving smoothly, like a snake. He was perfect, oh so perfect.

Sighing, Hyungwon waited for the red hair to disappear behind the door before he removed his shoe from the tiny piece of paper. Ignoring his first assistant director who was telling him to continue the shoot, he lifted it up and examined its contents.

“Would you like to throw that away, Mr. Chae?” one of the PAs asked, holding out a garbage bag.

“No, thank you,” he murmured as he stared at the circled dates of a work schedule. But those weren't really what caught his interest, he could have found out the delivery boy's work times through trial and error. The writing on the page though, that was what fascinated him the most.

_You're the perfect Benjamin, Lee Hoseok._

***

“Let everything that’s been planned come true. Let them believe. And let them have a laugh at their passions. Because what they call passion actually is not some emotional energy, but just the friction between their souls and the outside world. And most important, let them believe in themselves. Let them be helpless like children, because weakness is a great thing, and strength is nothing. When a man is just born, he is weak and flexible. When he dies, he is hard and insensitive. When a tree is growing, it's tender and pliant. But when it's dry and hard, it dies. Hardness and strength are death's companions. Pliancy and weakness are expressions of the freshness of being. Because what has hardened will never win.”

Hoseok’s heart was hammering in his chest as he performed the monologue from the stage production of Tarkovsky's ‘Stalker’. He wasn't as prepared as he wanted to be because of his lack of sleep and the thoughts that the creepy movie director saw something in him that wasn't there, like a borderline-obsessed religious person. He still hoped that his performance was okay, he really needed a good grade.

The professor was watching him intently, before nodding in his direction and writing something down in her vintage style notebook.

“Do you know what this is about? The words you just spoke? I think that it would've been really nice if you had used your natural innocence and created friction to the outside world instead of dramatically reciting Tarkovsky. I think there is this vulnerability in you, but not in tears or drama, it might be the way your soul is so different from your body, or your mind is so different from your face. This vulnerability. Please show it to me next time.” There was a smile, a nod, a feeling of failure and the wish to bury himself under a blanket and cry.

_Maybe you're only good for the body acting, who knows?_

He knew those thoughts, they had always been there, but he wanted to act. He wanted to learn it and he wanted to be on stage. It was something he had to do, despite the failures. He had to- but it didn't hurt any less, just because he was determined.

_You have to work harder. Think about what she said, she said there's something in you._

Nodding to himself, Hoseok walked along the corridor, ruffling up his hair and thinking about Tarkovsky, when his eyes suddenly met huge,  brown orbs that he had definitely seen before. The other man's gaze gave him the chills and a cursory glance at the rest of the figure confirmed his first suspicion.

_It's the creepy director. But he's not here because of you, or is he?_

“Hello,” he said, as their eyes had already met and it seemed stupid to pretend that he didn't know who the tall, slim guy was.

_You don't know his name and you don't really know him either._

“It's a pleasure to see you again, Lee Hoseok,” the brown-haired man replied with a barely visible smile, one that didn't reach his eyes. “I have just met with your Drama professor in an attempt to find you. She seems fond of you. Do you enjoy works by Tarkovsky?”

Hoseok wasn't violent by nature, he was only able to hurt a person if they explicitly asked for and enjoyed it, but the persistent director who invaded his privacy and talked to his professor who just let him fail, awakened a side he didn't know existed. A dangerous and violent one.

Whispering a curse, he looked to the side and closed his eyes to calm down a bit. There was no use, there was nothing to prove, not to some guy he only met three times.

_Calm down. It's not worth it._

“What do you want?” he asked, gaze narrowing involuntarily and arms crossing in front of his chest. His degree was the most important, he couldn't afford pissing off his professors.

There was a brief switch in the director's eyes, showing that he hadn't expected Hoseok to be hostile. It was strange how the realization made him smile a little, more so than first seeing him.

“I wanted to return this,” the brown-haired man pointed out and handed a familiar piece of paper towards him, a little crumpled up. “Among other things.”

Again he couldn't refrain from brushing his bangs back as he took the piece of paper and recognized his working schedule that he must've dropped. God, he was so dumb sometimes.

“Oh, I must've dropped it, but you could have thrown it away. It's not important,” Hoseok murmured, taken aback by the gesture. “And- what are those other things?” Hoseok wanted to ask straight out whether the other man came because of his movie, but decided against it, a little worried to embarrass himself if it wasn't the case.

“You told me to find somebody else last time, somebody with the same emotional valence in their motions and expressions,” the slim man began and pulled up the sleeves of his white shirt. “Well, I haven't been able to. Unfortunately you happen to be perfect, Lee Hoseok.”

Why was he so persistent? There must be something special about him, something that the creepy director wanted no matter what, going as far as coming to his university to search for him.

_Maybe- you can try it out?_

“What do you want me to do?” he asked, walking a few steps towards an empty seminar room and waiting for the director to follow. He didn't want to talk while standing in the middle of a corridor shortly before most lectures ended. “I'll listen to you. Tell me what you want from me.” Hoseok closed the door behind them and sat on one of the desks in the front row.

The director gave him the first real smile, reaching his eyes and staying for a maximum of half a second, lifting the corners of his mouth.

“I appreciate your willingness to listen.” There was a brief chuckle. “I want you to act, Lee Hoseok.”

_He doesn't listen to you, does he?_

“I told you, I only have experience on stage and it's in no way comparable. What's your name? I don't even know how to address you and you're telling me to act.” He wanted to reach for his hair, but crossed his arms in front of his chest instead. It was crazy how attentive the other man was, following each of his motions like he was analysing them and everything there was to him.

_Creepy._

“Chae Hyungwon, film director. Usually people know my name, but you are focused on theatre and I don't film the poor excuse for storytelling that blockbusters produce.” Mr. Chae pursed his lips and leaned against one of the chairs, right leg crossing over the other in a smooth motion. “I told you that your lack of experience isn't a problem. The essence is what can't be taught, everything else you will learn. I will guide you through it, because I need you to pull off what I want to show.”

_Must be amazing for him to bust a confidence nut every time he opens his mouth._

“Awesome. How long? What? When? Money, tell me everything and I will tell you once and for all whether I'm crazy enough to agree or not.” He observed how Mr. Chae observed him, it was disconcerting.

_Just be yourself, maybe he'll finally drop you._

Licking over his lips, he narrowed his gaze and propped both arms against the desk between his legs. Leaning forward a little, he waited for the tall man to talk.

Whatever he did, Mr. Chae must have liked it, left corner of his mouth rising briefly before he finally replied to Hoseok’s question.

“I like how pragmatic you are about this. Filming is planned for six months, possibly more possibly less - staying on schedule can be a challenge. Your role- no- you _will be_ Benjamin, the youngest of three sons, coming to your father's house after his death. It's about how a person's character is carved, among other things.” There was a brief smile on the director's full and funnily shaped lips again. “But let's talk money first, you seemed interested. The average for my movie actors is 50 dollars, well euro for you, per working hour, that's how I handle it.”

_Fifty? That's a lot, you can ditch delivery._

The brown-haired man spoke calmly and clearly, pronouncing every word, so that he could have sat at the other end of the seminar room and read it from his lips. The other man must have given explanations like that all the time, probably to actors. Or other random people, like him.

He had no desire to act in a movie for six months, and he felt no sympathy for the arrogant director but the money was really good and he needed it to support his studies.

_You can do it, if it doesn't interfere with studying._

Hoseok let out a sigh and and nodded.

“Fine, I'll do it. Whatever it is that you want me to do, but will immediately stop if it interferes with my degree. It has first priority for me.” Glancing at his watch, Hoseok realized that he had exactly four minutes to be on the other side of the building. Fuck. “Okay, and now I have to run,” he muttered, pulling a piece of paper out of his jeans. It was a bill from the sex shop next to his apartment, but well, he didn't have anything else to write on. Scribbling his number on it he slapped it against the directors non-existent chest on his way out. “Just call me, Mr.- Mr. Chae,” he yelled, jumped over a desk and ran as fast as he could.

_

“How long? Two and a half hours again?” Minhyuk whined while slipping into his Chucks and tying his shoelaces lazily. “Is he handsome?”

“Let’s make it two, he was really eager to play, but I have to study and yes, he is definitely handsome.” Hoseok opened the drawer and started pulling everything out, one by one, before setting up the lights and making the bed, even though it would become a mess anyway.

“More handsome than me? No fucking way, Lee Hoseok, you know that there is literally no-one who can compare. But I still hope that you’ll have fun.” Minhyuk’s facial expression changed suddenly and he stepped back. “Also... I know I’m not supposed to take your stuff and we did talk about it, but- anyway I really wanted to try the new black vibrator that you bought because it looks really cute and you know how much I like cute- anyway long story short, the thing is broken, you have to exchange it. Also I sterilized it, I swear, even though you can’t use it anyway because- yeah, it’s not working. You could scold me, but you could also be thankful to me, considering that I found out that the thing was malfunctioning before you turned on the cam and put the thing into your puppy’s ass.” His best friend was talking non-stop, gesturing wildly and moving backwards towards the exit. This bitch.

_Damn it. You can exchange it then, you put the bill in your pocket, before-_

_Mr. Chae has it._

“I told you not to touch it, Minhyuk, god, and I don’t have the bill anymore to exchange it. Fuck. I gave it to the creepy movie director.” He facepalmed hard, the vibrator was really expensive and he couldn’t refund or exchange it without the bill.

“You- what? Why would you give the bill for a prostate vibrator to a movie director, Hoseok? Do you suddenly have a sponsor? I thought you wanted to stay independent?” The black-haired man’s eyes widened and he came closer again. He knew that Hoseok would never hurt him.

“Ah- well- not quite. It’s some arthouse dude who I met while I was delivering. Remember, I told you about this creepy stick-like guy who told me to act in his movie? Yeah, him. He will pay 50 per hour for over six months, so I can screw doing delivery during that time. I wrote my number on the bill and gave it to him. Fuck my life and goodbye money.” The handcuffs flew on the bed along with the silk ribbons and a buttplug with a black tail.

“You what? But- I thought you didn’t want to do it? Now you suddenly do? You have no experience with films, Hoseok. Watching everything Tarkovsky ever did won’t help you there. What about your studies? Can you even continue while filming a movie for half a year?” His best friend looked worried and he was right.

“It’s my first priority, I told him. But I need the money too, he told me he’d teach me what I have to do. Who knows, maybe I can learn to be a better stage actor. I’d love that.” He looked to the ceiling and sighed. He really needed to get better, no matter what.

“I know that you will do whatever you like, but please be careful, I don’t want you to get hurt. Tell me more about it when I come back if you didn’t fuck your brains blurry.” Grinning at his last comment, his best friend stepped closer and curled his slim arms around his waist, pressing a soft kiss against his cheek. It was intimate, but he really liked how close they were without getting sexual.

It wasn’t always like this, they had tried a few times, but in the end they had been incompatible in bed, two hurricanes that burned everything down. The close friendship on the other hand, was perfect. Intimate and caring, they were always there for each other, shared an apartment, food and worries. It was beautiful and he considered himself lucky to have someone like Minhyuk next to him.

“I won’t. See you later,” he whispered and turned, just in time to catch the other man’s uneven blink. It looked gorgeous and he smiled, rubbing his thumb over the back of Minhyuk’s delicate hand. The beauty didn’t last for long as the same delicate fingers that had brushed over his skin tenderly sunk into his sides and he screamed. “Fuck, fuck you, Minhyuk,” he hissed, rubbing over his ribs.

“Yeah, I’ll fuck myself, but first I’m going for coffee. See you later, cherry sun,” the black-haired man replied cheerfully and left.

He didn’t have much time to recover as the bell rang. He ran to the door, forgetting about his worries, the vibrator and the movie director as he greeted a slim, tall, black-haired boy who looked fucking gorgeous and smiled beautifully. Damn it, it was going to be an amazing video.

_It’s always the best when it’s real._

_The foundation of acting is the reality of doing._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hello, Mr. Chae.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 7th of April at 2 PM CET.  
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Another crumpled sheet of paper landed in the trash can next to his desk. As far as work surfaces went, this one was not quite up to par like some of the desks in the other hotels he had stayed at over the past few years. But this was his improvised home and it would do for the next year.

Since Hyungwon had finished his studies and received an award for his graduation project his idea of 'home' was quite flexible. First his home was LA, then Boston for two years and now it happened to be wherever he wanted to film his next project.

_Austria this time._

Vienna was beautiful, alive, not too big, perfect for the project he was planning, especially once they moved to the real filming location. The city was like it was sculpted after a fairy tale, all of Europe had that appeal. Walking along the streets, you got the feeling that any second, a castle protected by rose bushes would appear, harbouring a princess that was in need of kissing.

_Or Jack the ripper, depends on the expectations._

He chuckled at how different the impression could be, solely based on the books one read and the associations one formed from seeing the streets. His impressions were mostly positive, even if the work he planned wasn't, not really at least.

Hyungwon had spent the past week calming down a frustrated actor that didn't understand why he had to be replaced by a delivery boy. Art wasn't reason enough apparently. He was used to actors and assistant directors not quite understanding what he was talking about, what he was seeing in a person until they stood in front of the camera and delivered the most genuine performance anyone had ever seen.

_You don't cast actors, you cast your characters into their own lives._

Lars von Trier always cast a few chosen actors again and again, but not solely because he liked them, not at all. It was because what he enjoyed showing was present in the people he casted, it was there and kept reappearing in all of his movies. Guilt was written all over it.

He sighed and checked through the new contract he had prepared, one that bound Lee Hoseok to the movie for the duration of the filming. It included a paragraph about the boy's studies and the interference of the filming which was worded loosely and could be interpreted as Hyungwon deemed fit. Furthermore, it would be no trouble to talk to professors and get the boy excused as soon as his name was involved.

_Maybe he can even use it for course work, who knows._

It didn't matter much to him, not as long as the boy appeared on set and put an effort into understanding and becoming Benjamin. Lee Hoseok was perfect and nobody was able to convince him otherwise, not even his first assistant director.

 

_

 

“You are simply crazy, do you hear me? I thought casting a homeless child for a minor role was the height of your spontaneous ideas, but a delivery boy for a main role?”

Hyungwon only listened partially, after all the shorter man in front of him kept repeating the same words over and over again, only with slight variations to make them seem new. It was like a bad film, showing the same thing over and over again, aliens taking over the US and needing to be stopped, for infinity. His ideas must be the aliens in the current scenario they were playing.

“Are you even listening, Hyungwon?”

Being addressed by his first name caught his attention, so he finally glanced up from the script and shifted on his chair. It wasn't comfortable and he was definitely not going to spend several months sitting in it. The PAs would have to change that in the next few hours.

“Since when am I ‘Hyungwon’ on set?” he asked back and lifted an eyebrow, lips pulling together in distaste. His index finger was tapping the melody to the beginning credits that he had heard the day before. It was emotional but mysterious, just the way he wanted it.

The assistant director's eyes narrowed in response, making him look a little dangerous before he walked a few steps and closed the door to the set, leaving them alone in the fake living room.

“Since you're being fucking crazy, ‘Hyungwon’. He's a delivery boy, a nineteen-year-old guy, he knows nothing about acting apart from pretending that he didn't smoke all of his dad's cigarettes.” Kihyun was furious, insulting people he didn't know. He always did that when he was dissatisfied with one of Hyungwon's ideas. Only that they ended up being good in the end. Every damn time.

“I told you, Kihyun, he's perfect, he's Benjamin. He has the look, the motions, the innocence, the toughness of his appearance, the soft features. The dissonance is what I need. I doubt he'll struggle to act with Marlene.” Hyungwon wasn't too sure about the last part, but there was time to figure that out. He had one condition, as he stated before, and if Lee Hoseok couldn't fulfil that, then he would either have to convince him or find somebody else. Only that there was no time to find somebody else, they had a deadline attached to the investors funding. “I will call him today to settle the contract details. I'll argue with the casting team later, I assume they are pissed off.”

“That's a fucking understatement. They are furious, Hyungwon. They spent months on this and you ditch somebody they took weeks to convince.”

“Too bad.” He nodded briefly in goodbye and stood up, leaving his assistant director to fume on his own. They were almost done with most of the flashback scenes apart from the ones involving the boy. They would need somebody who resembles Lee Hoseok to play his younger self, unfortunately.

_And you will have to argue with the casting team why he's suddenly Asian._

Hyungwon had already suffered through the racist remarks for changing the ethnicity of the actor that were going to follow. He didn't care about the ethnicity, he wasn't going to adjust the plot. If anything it added a hint of mystery to the whole thing, having a child that was different from everybody else.

_He's the perfect Benjamin._

Entering his office, he grabbed a cup of black tea that was already cold but still delicious enough, so he finished it and grabbed the rather crumpled-up piece of paper that the boy had written his phone number on. Hyungwon hadn't bothered to use it yet, not before all of the details were settled and he only needed Lee Hoseok to sign.

Unwrapping the paper revealed it to be a receipt, for a prostate vibrator to be precise. His eyebrow rose involuntarily as his mind helpfully supplied why a young man might require purchasing a prostate vibrator. There weren't many possibilities and some of them suggested that Lee Hoseok might have difficulties acting with Marlene after all.

_Unless he shows his nervous gestures and discomfort. It will be perfect._

Hyungwon loved the image and hoped it would correspond to reality. He needed it to be, it was just the way he wanted it to be, uncertainty that transformed into confidence and clear motions in a matter of seconds as soon as hesitation was dropped. He could visualize it easily, the way Lee Hoseok switched from insecurity to confidence.

Typing the numbers from the bill into his mobile phone, he waited patiently for the delivery boy to pick up.

Instead of Lee Hoseok's voice introducing himself, there was shuffling and a sound of the phone hitting some surface. The call didn't interrupt, but there was no talking, until he could finally hear Hoseok's voice.

“Sorry baby, I got distracted.” A chuckle followed before an unfamiliar male voice whimpered. “I feel so full, please give me more, I'll be so good for you, I promise, please,” then there were sounds. Obvious and rather obscene sounds. Oh well.

Hyungwon sighed and lifted his left hand to massage his temples as the noises continued, filling his ear until he decided they wouldn't stop anytime soon. He still didn't end the call though, he thought instead. If Lee Hoseok had a dominant side and enjoyed making his sexual partners beg, then that was something that fit with the rough appearance of his body and motions, but not with the smoothness of his facial features and insecurity he showed upon meeting him. It was fascinating, like a double personality.

_Let's see which one you will see on set._

Sighing again, Hyungwon cancelled the call and ignored the sensation of blood rushing downwards. He had neither time for nor any interest in self gratification, he had to figure out Benjamin and how to teach Lee Hoseok to act in front of a camera.

One might have thought it was a wasted call, but it didn't quite feel like it. Instead, it only convinced him that his decision was correct. Lee Hoseok was perfect for the role and the casting team could complain and be upset as much as they wanted.

He was a little sad that the advance payment to the first actor was gone.

_

 

“Lee Hoseok speaking,” the low voice commented as the boy picked up the call.

There was a hint of relief as Hyungwon had no desire to listen to Lee Hoseok fucking anybody's brains out again, none at all.

“Glad that you picked up this time instead of keeping it on without a reply. Chae Hyungwon speaking, I have prepared the contract and want you to come to the set to discuss the details and sign.”

“Keeping it on without reply? I didn't do that. Do you, by chance, still have the piece of paper I wrote my phone number on? I kinda need it.” There was some shuffling as the red-haired Hulk simply ignored the information about the contract.

Hyungwon's eyes passed along the old desk in front of him and stopped on the bill. Actually he didn't even need it anymore, his phone had the number saved.

“I do. Also- you might want to check your call history. Will you come to sign the contract today?” He tried hard to not get annoyed by the nonchalant nature of the boy on the other end of the line. After all Hyungwon was the one who wanted to cast him.

“You do? This is fucking amazing, oh my god, I thought I'd never get it back! Thank you so much for keeping it, of course I'll come today. Just tell me when and where and don't forget the paper, it's important!” Hoseok sounded as if he got healed from a terminal illness or something similarly emotionally challenging.

_Maybe it's the satisfaction of teenage libido._

“I fail to understand why you would need a bill for a vibrator, but if that's what motivates you to come here then so be it. I want you to come now, to the set.”

There was silence for a few seconds before the boy cleared his throat and spoke.

“You wouldn't know, but the thing is amazing. Anyway, it's broken so I have to exchange it and it was expensive. I'll be there in fifteen minutes. See you there.” Hoseok chuckled and hung up.

Too much information, it was definitely too much information. Hyungwon was curious about his actors, but not to that degree. It was none of his business what they did in their private lives as long as they performed well. He wasn't too fond of relationships within the cast either, it changed the dynamic of characters on screen and he had changed a script because of that a few years ago.

He glanced at the bill again and checked the price. It did indeed seem rather expensive for a sex toy.

Fifteen minutes was a long time, so he used it to check through the script again and match the behaviours with what he had seen in Lee Hoseok. It fit well and the red-haired boy should be able to melt into the role as if it was him all along. There was only Hyungwon's requirement left. After all he preferred to show reality just the way it was, without concealing anything. The boy wasn't allowed to be squeamish, not in front of the camera.

_Art requires sacrifices._

After fifteen minutes passed he left his office and took a look around the set, all the carved figures and elements had been added to the furniture and looked good. They would remove most of them for the flashbacks, but for today there were another two scenes with the brothers, scenes that didn't involve Benjamin. Lee Hoseok would have to hurry up to catch up with everybody else and be familiar with the script.

Suddenly a red dot appeared in his periphery and he turned his head just to see the muscular boy walk through the door and look around innocently, unsure where to go or who to ask. He was wearing a simple black t-shirt and ripped blue jeans, revealing the paleness of his thighs. His skin colour would look good with the blue saturation of the film shots that Hyungwon was planning on. They definitely needed to show some of his arms, emphasize his youthfulness and the strength of his body.

The way Lee Hoseok seemed lost on the large set pulled at the corners of his mouth and he followed the urge to watch him instead of relieving his insecurity by meeting him. It was fascinating to observe how it would develop, what would happen once the boy’s eyes landed on him and he knew what to do.

He watched as a pale hand reached for the red hair, ruffling it up, before the dark eyes focused on him and the red-haired man immediately closed the distance with quick steps, a smile pulling at the curved edges of his mouth. Innocence transitioning into confidence, still accompanied by that soft smile. It was child-like, and perfect.

“Hello, Mr. Chae.”

“Hello, Hoseok. I'm glad you remembered the location. It's taken a while to prepare the contract. Please follow me.” He turned around and walked back towards the office. There were enough curious gazes following the boy's movements, he didn't need them when they were talking business. Closing the door as soon as the boy entered, he sat down and gestured towards the chair in front of him, waiting for Lee Hoseok to sit down.

“How could I forget the location if it's the third time you’ve made me come here.”

Sitting down, the young man with the incredibly soft facial features let his gaze slide over the table, searching for something.

“Are you looking for your bill?” Hyungwon asked and removed the paper from the pocket of his white shirt, flicking it in front of the boy's face before returning it where it was. “Let's talk business first. Here, you can read through it.”

He took the prepared contract and slid it over the desk towards the red-haired boy, watching his hands and expression carefully. His own hands seemed big compared to Lee Hoseok’s despite the young man’s broad build. They were rather delicate too.

The longing gaze, as the bill disappeared in the pocket of his shirt, was replaced by undivided attention. What was interesting was how the boy’s pink lips moved while he read, almost as if they mirrored the words that the eyes perceived. It was an interesting way to read, a rather active one.

Hyungwon crossed his legs and leaned back as he watched, following the lines of the tshirt and where it ended, showing a bit of the boy's muscular arms and veins that curved along them. With the right light it was possible to make him seem strong and weak at the same time, knowledgeable and naive, innocent and corrupted. His eyes travelled over the visible outline of the collarbones and towards Lee Hoseok’s face. There wasn't even a hint of facial hair, neither on his chin nor above his lips. He must have permanently removed it, there was no other way for black hair to be invisible under such pale skin. Hyungwon highly doubted the red hair was real unless somebody decided to send the devil after him by placing it into the muscular body of a boy that was the perfect Benjamin, innocence and sin in one.

He sighed.

“This seems okay. Or not. To be honest I can't really tell and I have no experience working in the film industry, so- let's say you aren't planning on exploiting me. What now?” The deep, black eyes focused on his face and the young man frowned at his gaze, before licking his lips briefly as his pale hand reached for his hair almost automatically.

_The way you watch him makes him nervous._

Hyungwon smiled and averted his eyes to give the boy a few seconds to recover, he was curious whether it would be enough before he returned his gaze.

“You sign, I give you the script, go through it with you if necessary and we begin filming. Of course you don't only talk to me, you have to work with the other actors to check whether all of you understand the scene and what needs to be shown. I say how to film, you're the one who has to perform what needs to be filmed.” He paused and leaned forward, wrists leaning on the desk as he observed Lee Hoseok’s face intently. His requirement would have to be checked later, once he had the boy on the team.

“Okay.” The boy signed the contract and leaned his back against the chair. “My bill.”

Hyungwon smiled at that, fascinated by how quickly the boy grasped how it worked, how comprehending his eyes were. He reached for the pocket of his shirt and took out the bill, keeping it in his palm.

“There is... one last thing that I need to know you are capable of,” he began and stood up, gesturing for the red-haired man to do the same. He opened the door to the studio and stepped outside. There would be no need for scandals and misunderstandings if Hyungwon wasn't able to simulate the hardships of acting in front of a lot of people.

“And this thing is… ?” Lee Hoseok followed him, movements powerful and smooth. Hyungwon wanted to grab a camera and follow the way he placed one foot in front of the other, hips moving just enough to create fluency. It would be glorious to shoot the young man bottom to top.

He leaned against one of the fake walls while people kept running past them, carrying light dimmers, microphones, glass bottles that were meant to be broken and placed on the floor of the living room.

“I want you to undress.”

The black eyes focused on his face in a matter of seconds, watching him intently, as if to determine whether he was joking.

“You want me to undress? Now? Why?”

“I'm sure you read that the movie includes sex scenes, scenes that involve you and I don't do ‘smooth censoring’, it's fake. I need to know if you can undress in front of a lot of people. Here.” Hyungwon gestured around them, at a few of the crew that started walking slower, obviously interested in what was happening or about to happen. He enjoyed the change in Lee Hoseok’s gaze, the way it turned darker, a little narrowed as he could see a twitch in the boy’s lips, like he thought of saying more but didn't. He couldn't help but be curious what that would have been.

What happened next was stunning, something Hyungwon had never seen before. Lee Hoseok's face was like a movie on its own. There were so many emotions on it, the range was insane and it changed so quickly that he would've needed a slow motion shot to depict every single expression. Suddenly everything disappeared, like a painting from a canvas and the red head moved forward in a nod. Hyungwon regretted that he hadn't filmed it, hadn't recorded the emotional turmoil that he had just witnessed. It was beautiful.

“Sure. Show me the spot.”

“Here,” Hyungwon replied and let his eyes pass from Lee Hoseok’s muscular legs to his expressive face. That boy could have shown anything on his face, even the most abstract emotions. It was a gift.

Again the pair of dark eyes lingered on his face for a few long seconds, while Lee Hoseok's hands moved gracefully, wrapping his fingers around the seam of his shirt and pulling it over his head. It wasn't slow but it wasn't rushed either. What made it special was the gaze that stayed focused on him. Next were the shoes and socks, before the muscular man undid the button of his jeans and pulled down the zipper. His movements were fluid, something between athletic and the art of dance.

_He's exactly what you were looking for, split within._

Hyungwon watched, holding the boy's gaze as a few more curious glances landed on them. He could feel them, but ignored them, just the way the boy in front of him did. It was perfect, he faded out what was around him and focused on one thing alone, him in this case, but Lee Hoseok would be able to do the same with Marie, give her his undivided attention, ignoring the cameras that surrounded them. It was exactly what he had wanted to see.

The gaze became a little unsure as the last bit of clothing fell to the ground and the red-haired boy presented his pale, marble-like body in its complete nakedness. He was attractive, muscular with firm, defined thighs and well-endowed. He was shaved between his legs, creating a pale canvas out of his body. There was nothing to be ashamed off and still he hesitated briefly, showing beautiful emotions until he fulfilled his task with confidence that returned with his first words.

“And now?”

Hyungwon couldn't help a genuine smile as he pushed himself off the wall and crossed the distance, stopping right in front of the red-haired boy, a few centimetres between them. He could feel his cheeks lift up in that way his mother loved and he hated, taking the sharpness of his features and turning them smooth. He resembled a child when he did that, but he was too positively surprised to contain it.

_He can do it, he can do it all, even if he’s never acted in front of a camera before._

“You are perfect, Lee Hoseok,” he whispered, containing the urge to grab the boy’s jaw to turn it to the side and see the partially feigned confidence from a different angle.

“You're fucking crazy,” the young man muttered, gaze still focused on his face. Hyungwon wanted to film him already, to see him react to struggles and realizations, to see him act out developing feelings and regret.

“Possibly, art needs sacrifices,” he replied calmly and glanced around briefly, meeting a few red faces and big eyes. Some members of the crew were new and must have been embarrassed by the sudden exposure of skin. They probably hadn't seen any of Hyungwon's movies. “You can get dressed again, thank you. I doubt you are aware of the skill you possess, but it'll get you far, trust me on that.”

He couldn't wait to begin filming.

***

No, it wasn’t enough that the creepy director Chae had listened to him having sex for a whole four minutes and twenty-seven seconds, or that he didn’t understand much about film contracts before signing one. He had to undress. In front of random people on a random set. They had seen him bring delivery two times, so they probably thought it was funny. It wasn’t the first time that somebody had used his job, his videos, or his sexuality to humiliate him, so he was used to it. It was hard at first, it always was. All those times, he remembered them and they kept flashing before his eyes while he stared at the blank face of the charmless man in front of him. It took a few seconds to calm down and he simply imagined that it was just another video, that he was undressing for someone who really liked how he looked, instead of the strange gaze of the director who had a highly intimidating way of observing him.

_Maybe it’s his fetish. He doesn’t seem to have fun apart from that._

He had acted almost naked once, for a modern theatre production of Romeo and Juliet. It was strange at first, but the people liked it, so it was okay. Sure, he was used to undressing in front of the camera, and doing more than that, way more… just- it was different. It was different because he knew what he was doing and why, it made sense and it was real, real feelings, real pleasure, no show. He never filmed if there wasn’t chemistry, there was no point.

Letting his clothes fall to the ground in the big, brightly illuminated studio, it seemed grotesque somehow, unnatural and wrong. The brown eyes looked sterile to him, emotionless, dead, focussed on something that wasn’t relevant in his opinion. It wasn’t about his body or about what he felt, it was- like watching a monkey in the zoo? That kind of observing?

_It’s okay. You’ve had to endure worse._

Suddenly, the tall man stepped closer, way too close, considering that he was completely naked. He smiled. It was the first time Hoseok had seen the director smile. He looked young, much younger than when he ran around and gave instructions, looking serious and unapproachable.

Collecting his clothes and asking himself whether the rest of the staff liked the huge tattoo on his ass, he got dressed. He had no idea what kind of skill the brown-haired man was talking about and how he could’ve seen it while Hoseok undressed, but it was still a compliment and it made him a tiny bit happy.

“Can I- go now?” he asked after he was done and stretched out his hand to get the fucking bill he actually went there for.

“Yes, just let me give you your copy of the script,” the director replied, still smiling a little and disappeared in the small room before returning with a thick booklet, coloured blue and with the words ‘The Bone Flute’ on it. Mr. Chae's name was on it too. He must have written it. “I will give you one week to read the script and get a feeling for Benjamin. I want to see you beforehand to talk about your impression and how well it fits with my own. Would you like to work with the script yourself at first, or with me? It's important, so I will take the time.” It was difficult to tell how old Mr. Chae actually was. His expressions resembled a middle-aged man that didn't want to reveal his wrinkles. But his face looked young and so did the hands that handed over the script.

He really didn’t want to see the other man’s face more than necessary, but he also didn’t know shit. He had no idea, no experience and the only thing he could do was learning his lines without knowing how and to whom he had to tell them.

_That isn’t it, or is it?_

“I’ll be honest with you, I feel uncomfortable next to you, but I also don’t know anything, so I’m afraid that you will have to help me.” Sighing, he walked over to the table and picked up his sex shop bill that Mr. Chae didn’t care to bring him, even though it had been the only object of interest.

“I make you uncomfortable?” The director seemed only mildly surprised by the fact, eyebrow lifting up minimally and plump lips pressing together. He had a really unusual face. “That sex toy of yours was indeed expensive, maybe you should look for a better offer.”

_He acts as if he can recommend something better._

“It has special features and a remote control. I’ll exchange it for a working one, it’ll be worth it.” Nodding once, he stuffed the bill into the pocket of his jeans, deciding to stop by the shop as soon as he left. “You make me feel like I’m an animal in a zoo,” he murmured, replying to the question, before stuffing the script into his backpack.

“An animal in a zoo?” Mr. Chae asked and he looked really surprised this time, eyes widening and hands wrapping around his own waist, it was ridiculously slim. “That wasn't my intention, not at all. I am rather fascinated by how well you fit the character, Benjamin, and how perfect your body control is. You possess a lot of features that some actors never acquire. I am mesmerized by your skill and the bits of your personality that I see. It's respect instead of pointless gawking. I apologize for giving off that impression.” The tall man let his lips disappear in his mouth, emphasizing the sheer size of his brown eyes, fixed on Hoseok’s face.

“That sounds nice, thank you. To be honest- I’ve undressed in front of strangers many times, it’s something familiar to me, but- the way you observe... you know, when you visit your urologist, and he or she is touching your dick and playing with your balls, but it’s not erotic or pleasant, it’s just the doc wanting to see if you have any nasty STD? That’s the look. It makes me uncomfortable. Anyways- what’s the plan?” Hoseok had no idea why he started talking about doctors all of a sudden, explaining himself pointlessly, but he wanted to make the other man understand his view.

Mr. Chae stared at him for a few seconds, still embracing his own slim body and appearing thoughtful.

“The plan… is that you should come tomorrow to meet your colleagues and discuss the plot with me. You can take a first glance at the script.” The brown-haired man still appeared to be thinking as he walked over to his desk and sat down, shifting a few papers around. It didn't look like it had a purpose. “Uh-huh, a urologist you say. I have never had an actor tell me that I give off that impression. I was assessing your skill, not your body, Lee Hoseok. Maybe that is what you aren't used to.”

_Yeah, right. There it goes._

“I’m not used to people who look right through me, but whatever makes you sleep at night, Mr. Chae. Have a nice day.” Sighing, he took his bag and turned around one last time. “But thank you for your _assessment_.”

“I didn't look through you, I looked _inside_ , “ the man with the expressionless face replied, gaze serious and penetrating as it didn't shift from his face. “But you're welcome.”

_As if._

“Sure. See you tomorrow.” His mouth corners lifted up in a smirk and he turned, going through the door without looking back.

_

 

The script was interesting. It really was. The thing was just that he should've slept instead of reading it during the night, and the early morning. Almost dying in one of the morning seminars, he successfully forced his body onto his scooter and rode over to the studio. He had no idea about the dress code, whether there was something that he had to bring or whether he needed to be there at a specific time.

_They probably all remember your ass tattoo from the random stripping yesterday._

Sighing, he entered the set quietly to not disturb the filming and looked around. They must have been rolling as a dude in casual clothes with a headset immediately walked up to him and held his index finger to his lips to tell him to shut the fuck up. It was quiet apart from a man speaking behind the fake walls of the set. Nobody moved or said anything even though there were so many people around.

He nodded at the man and leaned against the wall, pulling out his phone and setting it on mute. He also asked himself whether he would get paid for standing around or if it only involved him acting in front of the camera.

The minutes passed until he heard a familiar voice call out ‘cut’ and at least three other people around him repeated it, yelling it for everybody who hadn't heard it yet. The change in behaviour was crazy as everybody started going somewhere, moving furniture around, carrying water bottles, spare batteries or a simple sandwich. It was messy but at the same time everyone seemed to know what they were doing.

“Lost?” a voice asked next to him. It was the guy with the clipboard from two weeks ago, narrow eyes making him look a little intimidating, despite being shorter than him.

“Not really. Just waiting until I'm needed,” he replied and took out the script, reading the passages that he marked because he found them especially interesting and challenging.

“Good, welcome to the team. Hoseok, right?” The other man smiled and held out his hand. It was rather manly considering the rest of the guy's appearance. “I'm Kihyun, the first assistant director. There is no second, but the titles always stay the same in the industry, so don't let that confuse you.”

Hoseok took the other man's hand and shook it briefly, trying not to squeeze it too much.

“Yes, it's Hoseok, nice to meet you, Kihyun,” he muttered and let go of the warm hand. “Should I come later? Is there- a plan?”

There was a brief chuckle as the black-haired man placed a hand on his shoulder and shook his head.

“You're the main actor, would be kinda problematic if you disappeared as soon as you appeared. To be honest, I'm still a little doubtful about the director casting you, but he has never been wrong before when it comes to his casting choices, so let's see what you can do. Ready to meet the others?”

“I'm not sure about his decision either. Yes, I'm always ready, I'm just standing around, as you can see.” Stuffing the script back into his bag, he pushed himself off the wall and followed the black-haired man named Kihyun.

“You're funny, that's already something,” was the brief reply as he was led past an entrance door that resembled a country home and over the set. It was a simple, old house, covered in carved figures and old wooden furniture. There were a few pictures on the walls, photographs of an elderly man and woman and three children, two older and one relatively young. What caught the eye was the fact that the youngest child was the only Asian one, resembling Hoseok a little with the shape of the boy's face and the round eyes.

_They’re fast._

Stepping further into the fake living room, he recognised the elderly man in the pictures in the man sitting on a couch with a script in his hand. Hoseok had definitely seen him before, but couldn't really remember where. In some movie probably.

“Hi Roger, this is Hoseok, our new Benjamin. Hoseok, this is your dad.” Kihyun laughed at that and placed a hand on his shoulder again. All of the gestures were warm and didn't seem fake at all, like the black-haired man really wanted him to feel at ease.

“Hello, nice to meet you, Sir.” He had no idea how he was supposed to get familiar with so many people at once while remembering their names. Where was the director anyway?

“Now I really feel like a dad,” the older man remarked with a chuckle and fanned himself with his script. It did feel rather hot under the bright lights placed at the sides. “You can say Roger, that's fine. I hope you won't be upset if I mispronounce your name. I'll do my best. Hosk? Was that it?”

“Hoseok,” Kihyun corrected, obviously pronouncing it perfectly. “We'll see you around Roger, gotta show him the rest of the team before he goes to the director.”

“Oh boy.”

“Let's go,” the assistant director muttered and led him further into the fake house, past a few guys that were discussing angles and arguing over the colour of a bottle on the living room table. The introductions continued as he met the two actors that played his brothers, the little boy that played his younger self and finally a woman that must have been about ten years older than him. She was sitting on the kitchen counter in the fake house and reading through the script. It must have been the actress playing his stepmother. His love interest.

“Oh, are you playing Benjamin?” the woman asked and smiled widely. She looked rather Austrian, very light hair, shoulder length, almost ice-blue eyes and a big mouth, bottom lip split uncharacteristically. She was beautiful, but unconventionally so.

“Nice to meet you, I'm Hoseok,” he introduced himself and smiled back. “Yes, it's my first day.”

“Exciting. I'm Marlene. I gotta say that when I heard you were nineteen I imagined you to look rather different. Less…,” she paused before grinning and pointing at his arms, “bulky.”

He chuckled. The woman reminded him of his aunt, who never missed the chance to give him compliments.

“Thank you, I know that I look older. I liked the script a lot, let's see whether I will be any good, I apologize in advance for everything.” Smiling, he put both hands into the pockets of his jeans.

“It's good that you look older, makes it easier. You shouldn't be too worried, actors help each other too, you'll have somebody to focus on apart from the face shots. I guess I'll see you once we start filming our scenes, Hoseok?” There was an accent in the way she pronounced his name, but she was surprisingly good at it.

“See you, Marlene, and thanks for the nice words.” The people were friendly so far and he hoped that it wouldn't turn into a disaster.

_Well, they're nicer than the director, but it's not a fair comparison._

***

_He's polite and grasps other people’s sentiment quickly._

That was Hyungwon's first observation as he allowed his eyes to stay away from the scene he was preparing and watched his main actor interact with the rest of the crew. He doubted that Lee Hoseok would remember all of the names he heard, but his face suggested that he was thankful, thankful to be introduced and thankful for whatever these people were telling him.

The main concern was Benjamin's attraction and yearning towards Marie. Of course Hyungwon couldn't instantly conclude that his newly recruited cast member was gay, but there were quite a few rather obvious hints. If Lee Hoseok was indeed somebody with no sexual attraction towards women it might become a problem, one that will be obvious in his acting. Unless he is able to control his thoughts and desires, which wasn't very common.

_But you can discuss that if the problem arises, he will have to learn it._

Sighing, he gave a few instructions for preparations and excused himself for an hour or two. He didn't quite know how long his first meeting with the red-haired boy was going to last, but he didn't want to cut it short. It was the main block, the basic understanding of the plot and what was happening to the main protagonist. There was no acting without comprehension, even if the gestures and the features were present. The plan had also been reorganised, detailing when they wanted to film which scene and scheduling their trip to the filming location in the mountains. Hyungwon had been smart enough to place it right in the semester break after a brief discussion with his acquaintance from university. There shouldn't be any interferences with the filming.

Leaning against the door frame within the set, he smiled at Marlene's response towards the attractive, nineteen-year-old boy. It was perfect and partially expected. It was easy to recognize the changes in her posture, back straightening and hands folded delicately on her lap. The way she tilted her head, following each of the boy's motions was another sign. It could have been a perfect first meeting, but the actress of his choice had enough experience to remember that first impression when she acted. He would make sure to tell her.

Lee Hoseok’s response on the other hand was a little more reserved. The red-haired boy was friendly and polite, but he still kept his distance. It was interesting and also fit the image in his head. Benjamin would also be reserved when meeting his stepmother, unfamiliar with her and her presence in the house he grew up in, engaging in art with his father, a relationship that had fallen apart over the years. Seeing both actors interact on the set, as if they were already in their roles, was the perfect inspiration for the shots.

Once the young man turned away from Marlene and finally met his eyes, Hyungwon nodded briefly in acknowledgement and beckoned him over. They were going to talk in his office, it was quieter and easier to think. He walked ahead, aware that the red-haired boy was following him.

Once he sat down in his chair, he gestured for Lee Hoseok to sit down next to him instead of across from him and observed the way delicate hands wrapped around the door handle and carefully shut it, making almost no noise at all. Hyungwon instantly saw Benjamin passing through the house at night to have a bit of fresh air, the ‘shut’ showing his ability to be silent and invisible despite his body size.

“I doubt that you had time to read through the whole thing in the time I gave you, so let me walk you through it quickly,” he began as soon as the boy sat down and skipped all introductions and greetings. “As you might have realized it's about Benjamin, you, the youngest son of an Austrian family that had lived in the city before, but moved to the countryside, the mountains to be precise, a few years after you were born. You have two older brothers and the age difference is large, explaining why your relationship to your father differs from that of your brothers. But let's stay chronological.” Hyungwon grabbed his own copy of the script and opened the first few scenes, skipping ahead a little.

“The whole thing starts with your father's death and the three of you coming to the house, interested in the inheritance. Your oldest brother is mainly interested in the money, the second eldest is rather fond of the location as it is perfect for a resort and you have emotional attachment to the house as the only one who grew up in it. Your relationship with your father has been intimate and strengthened by the love for art, one that your mother never really understood. It was based on carving, be it wood or the bones of small animals he hunted. Once you got older the relationship became strained, partially by the disappearance of your mother, something neither of you were able to explain. It left a mark and eventually you were the one to leave. It's something that I plan on showing with several flashbacks, embedded in the exploration of the house and what was left behind.” It was a little difficult to not get caught up in his own ideas and explanations, not all of it would be apparent in the script. A lot of things would only be hinted at in the film. “Does this make sense to you so far?”

He finally met the red-haired boy's eyes, examining his expression and whether he grasped the essence of his character's background. It still felt surreal how well he fit Hyungwon's mental image of Benjamin.

“Mhm. I read all of it. He's really interesting.” The dark round eyes were focused on him, jumping from his face to his hands that held the script to his lips that pronounced the words. “The character is.”

_Of course he is, he's human._

“He resembles you in the conflict between the outside,” he gestured vaguely at the expanse of the boy's muscular body, “and the inside.” He lifted his index finger briefly and let it touch the area below Lee Hoseok’s left collarbone, right above the heart.

Then he returned his attention to his own script and passed a few pages, looking for the first mention of the bone flute before he continued explaining.

“Benjamin is exactly your age, nineteen. Our previous actor was older, that's probably why Marlene was a little worried about acting out a sexually loaded relationship with you.” Hyungwon hadn't really talked to her about it, but it was clear from the change on her face when she found out. After all she had prepared the role with somebody else over the past few months. “Have you figured out what happened to your mother? It wasn't explicit in the script and only hinted at in various flashback scenes with your father and through the carved figures in the house.” Again his eyes met the boy's, examining the way he sat, whether he was nervous or not, whether he still felt uncomfortable around him.

There were definitely signs of the handsome boy holding back, paying attention to his movements as he listened. His pale hand rubbed over the spot Hyungwon touched with his finger once, as he nodded.

“I guess there is some part of the story that you decided not to make obvious. I'm looking forward to finding out,” Hoseok replied and rubbed his hands against his thighs instead of ruffling up his hair as he usually did.

Hyungwon thought about that. Usually plotlines were known to the actors, they always remembered what they knew and at which stage their character was in the plot. It was important to play naive, even though they themselves knew everything already. It was a little intriguing to leave the boy in the dark about a few plotlines and only give hints if they hadn't become apparent yet.

“What is your impression of Benjamin, how would you characterize him for yourself?”

Hoseok pondered the question as he leaned back on his chair and let his gaze slide over the ceiling,  swallowing once.

“He is- caught? I think I would say caught. And the fact that he is caught inside himself and in the situation determines a lot of his behaviours.”

Hyungwon smiled a little, positively surprised at the evaluation. Most actors gave a general opinion first, one that was more judgemental towards liking or disliking the character’s actions, establishing their own moral ideals, but the boy in front of him seemed to have no need for that.

“He is,” he agreed and skipped a few more scenes that did not include the young man. The longer Hyungwon looked at him the less he resembled a boy, until suddenly those eyes turned big again and the impression hit again. “There are a lot of things inside his mind that he has no access to. Is that a familiar sensation for you?”

“It's always a dilemma, isn't it? If one accesses the mind to its fullest, one loses access to the outside world and it’s the same the other way around. Sure, often I just feel without knowing the reason or the right judgment, but it's a natural choice. For me.” The red hair flew up in a repetition of the nervous gesture, before the pale hand settled on Hoseok's muscular thigh.

“If you had to choose one of the realms to lose yourself in, which one would you choose?” Hyungwon asked next, curious whether the boy’s words implied that he preferred to remain connected to the outside world instead of drowning in his own thoughts, impressions and feelings. Lee Hoseok was fascinating to watch because of the thought and at the same time carelessness that every motion involved. He appeared nervous, but the gesture with which he ruffled up his hair was calculated and smooth. He looked lost, but his eyes were dark and focused. Dissonance on all levels.

He chuckled, it looked free and childlike.

“Wow, that's hard, but at the same time it's easy. I would take the outside because I would still feel, the intuition would help me survive, but if I lost the outside I would be isolated with myself. There is no value in that. Not for me.”

Again Hyungwon smiled, fascinated by how close to the image in his head the boy was. He was more mature than Benjamin, but that maturity was something that appeared in dialogue and showed in his body, it could be hidden until the end of the movie if he so desired.

“It is similar for Benjamin, but on a different level. His mind has thoughts and memories that he does not want to confront, memories that come out despite his resistance towards them. The outside world seems safer, the music that Marie plays for him, her affection and her body are a safer haven than his mind is.”

“I understand him.” The black eyes found his gaze easily and it seemed as if Hyungwon missed something, something that Hoseok kept hidden from him. He pulled his lips into his mouth and let his tongue run over the plump texture of his bottom lip as he stared into the boy’s dark eyes and tried to see it. It had more depth, whatever it was. There was no way for it to be youthful, boyish. Rather it resembled the secrets hidden by adults, aware of what they meant and why they couldn’t be shown to anybody.

“How come?” he asked, but the dark gaze already told him that he wouldn’t receive a satisfactory reply. It was an adult secret to keep and die with.

“It's just my intuition, Mr. Chae,” Hoseok replied and pulled his vibrating phone out of the pocket of his jeans, struggling a little with how tight they were. After glancing at the screen for a few seconds, the boy declined the call but let the device rest in his hand.

_Liar._

“That’s very good intuition then. I want you to look at the scenes with Marlene in detail to get a feeling of your reaction to her and think about how you want to express your fascination with the music she plays on her flute. Filming will start next week, Kihyun will contact you with the filming schedule so you know when to appear for your scenes. As you are the protagonist it will be a lot of scenes of course. In the summer break months, we are going to our second filming location, outside of the city.” His eyes lingered on the grip the boy had around his device, the way his pale fingers wrapped around it, impatient to act. The media team was going to ask him some uncomfortable questions later. Hyungwon was curious whether Hoseok would be able to answer them truthfully.

“Understood. Then- see you in a week?” The boy was quick to stand up and increase the distance between them, as if it made him uncomfortable.

_That’s bad. He will be working with you for months. He doesn’t know your work, so he has no reason to try to be friendly and close._

He sighed and pursed his lips, wondering about a way to effectively address the problem.

“I still make you uncomfortable, don’t I?” he asked straight out and removed a strand of brown hair that had fallen on his forehead, disturbing his sight. His shirt sleeves were already pulled up to his elbows, but he rolled them up once more. Making other people uncomfortable was usually not a problem he had to deal with. He told them what to do and they did it, but Hoseok was new and had never acted in front of a camera before. There was no way that they could keep interactions to a minimum.

“Is there- something I can do to make it easier for you?” he added and closed the script on his desk, pushing it towards the edge to occupy his hands with something before he focused his eyes on the red-haired boy’s face.

“I guess we just have a different focus, people don't necessarily have to like each other. You're you and I'm me, it should be okay as long as we don't have to act together, am I right?” The boy took another careful step back, moving closer towards the door.

_It's not that simple._

“Liking each other isn't necessarily the problem, Hoseok,” Hyungwon began, addressing the boy by his first name since he was part of the team now. “It's rather about sharing an idea. We need to have the same one in mind for this to work out, to create scenes that are genuine and real. Anybody can say something that's written in a script and go on with their lives. _Feeling it_ is the struggle and you can't feel when you are uncomfortable. I have to be present for every scene, Hoseok, that's my job.”

“I see. Then I will have to learn to deal with it, right? I'll do my best.” Nodding, the muscular man opened the door, before glancing in his direction once again. “'I'm used to being able to feel even if I'm uncomfortable, don't worry.”

Hyungwon's eyes narrowed a little at the words, confused by what Hoseok might have meant by that. Why would he be used to being able to feel while being uncomfortable? There was no proper explanation for that, none that seemed possible in the life of a nineteen-year-old boy.

“I'll see you next week then,” he muttered and watched Hoseok walk through the door of his office, body sure in its motions but expression a little lost. The sight made him want to pick up the pieces one by one and finish the puzzle, see the pattern that was hidden by the missing parts.

_You'll see enough of him in the following weeks, focus on the matter at hand._

Hyungwon had a movie to film after all and a little eight-year-old boy to instruct. It was going to be a long day and he was thankful for that.

It was always better to be busy. Always.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I believed that the mask was for… role play or something similar. What- videos?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 11th of April at 2 PM CET.  
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He was able to exchange the vibrator and he even got a new, prettier mask that he carried home in his hand, terrified to break it and excited to test it out the next time he had someone to play with. The uni wasn't demanding for once and he had got the part to play Hamlet in the drama school production after auditioning three times. The worst was that he had to decline because it interfered with the filming schedule Kihyun sent him. He never hated his decision to act in a movie as much as that day. It was frustrating and it seemed as if he had moved further away from his goal instead of making slow steps towards it.

_Maybe you shouldn't have said yes. You had a bad feeling about it from the start._

Hoseok did, but he thought that it was because he didn't like the director. His facial expressions resembled those of a stone and he had an unnatural way of observing him. He hated it so much that he even dreamt about it, he dreamt about the time that the brown-haired man told him to undress, with the small difference that Hoseok had pushed him against the wall and told him to undress him instead, if he wanted to see him naked.

_You snapped._

He did, in his dream, because he lived in a world where he couldn't do whatever he wanted. It was hard for him to deal with the emotionless man, to talk and to follow his instructions without wanting to shake some emotional expression into him, or to see a brief twitch on the weird face.

Sighing at his thoughts and the last talk they had about being uncomfortable with each other, he turned into his street, swinging the mask in his hand because he was happy. The thing only cost twenty euros, even though it looked fucking gorgeous and expensive. Thinking about how he would look naked wearing it, he grinned until his gaze suddenly stopped on a familiar figure.

_What is he doing here?_

His adrenaline spiked up and he asked himself whether the director was some kind of stalker who liked to intimidate his actors at university and at home. Looking closer, he saw that the brown-haired man wasn't paying any attention to him, looking at the street signs and houses carefully before staring at his feet. The director was dressed in suit pants that hugged his legs, leather shoes and a light brown trench coat that was barely enough to keep out the cold breeze. Hoseok couldn't possibly be the reason he came since those big brown eyes he knew so well didn't even once glance in his direction, remaining either on the man's feet or at the buildings surrounding him. It was strange how the other man stood at a street corner, the one that led to the metro station, but didn't go anywhere. Something about his wide eyes and the way he chewed on his lips made him look helpless.

_Is he lost?_

It could've happened, Mr. Chae didn't seem familiar with Vienna and Hoseok hadn't heard him speaking German either. For a split second he considered acting as if he didn't see the man, but something inside him didn't let him. Instead he walked over and tapped the other man's bony shoulder carefully.

“Mr. Chae?”

His approach must have been too sudden, even though he had been careful. The other man almost snapped his neck, turning around quickly, eyes wide and teeth still settled on his bottom lip. It was the most emotion he had seen on the director's face since he had smiled at that ‘skill’ he had discovered in Hoseok.

_He looks cute like this._

“H- Hoseok,” was the quiet reply, still a little breathless from surprise. There was a light breeze in the air and a few strands of brown hair covered the director's face. He looked different somehow. The other man's facial features recovered from the shock and it almost looked like there was something resembling relief in his big eyes.

“Yes, hi! I thought I was mistaken but it's really you. What are you doing in this part of Vienna? Are you searching for a specific address? I can help you, I'm really good with directions because I grew up here, I mean if you like, of course.” He started babbling and gesturing with the mask like an idiot, a little taken aback by the difference in response.

Mr. Chae stared at him as if he struggled to figure out what he was talking about until he nodded slowly. What exactly he agreed with was unclear.

“I- well- where exactly in Vienna are we?”

_He got lost indeed._

“Oh, a little far from the inner city, you must've walked quite a bit. Southern Vienna, this quarter is called Favoriten. Where do you need to go?” he asked and put his hand that was holding the mask down to not freak the director out.

“I-” Mr. Chae really seemed lost as he paused for a few seconds, as if to remember where it was that he needed to go. “I need to return to my hotel, it's close to the Opera. The… the Bristol.”

“Oh. That's a bit far. I would offer to take you back on my scooter but that probably sounds weird to you, right? I can also call you a taxi, but the traffic is crazy. You'll stand around for an hour or so. Or, I can offer you a coffee because you happen to be standing in front of my apartment building, which freaked me out at first, so- sorry I'm babbling, just tell me what to do, I'll be glad to help.” He nodded furiously and gestured around.

“I don't know,” the director replied simply, eyes still a little wide and glancing towards Hoseok’s apartment building that he had just pointed at. Something looked different about the other man and only when another breeze ruffled up his brown bangs did it become obvious. His hair wasn't styled and fell onto his forehead, making him look even younger than he already did compared to the rest of the crew. “Tell me, why is this area called Favoriten? Is it a favourite place, like the English word? Something special about it that the people enjoyed, hence the name?”

“What? No! There was a hunting castle here that was called Favorita and then it changed from a street called Favoriten to the name of  this quarter. It's rather big.” He had no idea why he suddenly had to recite his city's history, but the director confirmed his impression of being weird. “Okay, it's kinda weird to bring you home, so I'll take you to a really nice cafe I know and call you a taxi. Deal?”

“Will I get through traffic then? You said that it's not possible at this time, correct?” The brown-haired man looked around a little and placed his big palm on the top of his head to keep his bangs from flying up. “It is a nice quarter. I hadn't expected to end up here when I went for a walk. I'm sorry if I'm troubling you.”

“You're not troubling me, I have a free afternoon for once. Also, no, you won't get through traffic. You'll have to wait for an hour or so. I'll keep you company if you like.” He had no idea where the sudden compassion came from, probably from the way the director looked, namely really innocent and boyish. At this point he even looked younger than him.

“Should I… wait then? Or what would you recommend to get back to the hotel eventually?” the brown-haired man asked and kept his hand on his head, lips pressing together into a thin line. “Company is… good, I guess.”

“As I already mentioned, so you don't look like a lost soul, I would recommend you spend the time with me, or without me, in a nice cafe and then call a taxi to get you back safely and without wasting time.” Nodding to support his words, Hoseok brushed his bangs back and tilted his head, waiting for a final answer. “Otherwise, if you're not afraid to die, I can take you on my scooter.”

Suddenly the director looked up from whatever he was looking at, probably his lips, and looked him in the eyes.

“I'm not afraid to die, but a black coffee sounds much nicer. The blacker the better.” There was a small smile as the tall man let go of his hair and allowed the wind to mess it up. He must have been waiting for Hoseok to show the way.

“Fine, let's go.” Gesturing towards the end of the street, he got going and made sure that the tall man followed. After a few minutes they finally arrived at his favorite cafe, called ‘Favorite’. He knew the place like the back of his hand, so he immediately headed towards the table where he usually sat.

“Take a seat. I'll get the coffee. She only speaks German. Black, right?”

The brown-haired man nodded as he carefully slipped onto the bench that was closer to the window. Again he looked around, glancing at the interior of the cafe, the people, the menu.

After getting the coffee, he came back and smoothly placed the delicately designed cup in front of the director. He was a professional.

“Now you're getting your coffee served by me, let's see what's next. I have a lot of talents besides delivery and service.” Chuckling, he sat down and took a sip of his own cappuccino. It tasted delicious, as always.

“You do keep surprising me,” the other man replied with a smile as he reached out for his own cup, lifting it to his plump lips and taking a careful sip. A small shiver passed through his body at the bitterness but he seemed to enjoy it that way, examining the decorations of the cup. “It's a beautiful cafe. Is it your ‘favourite’?”

“Amazing pun. Yes, I like it a lot. I'm still wondering how you managed to come here. To my house. I was traumatized after you appeared at my university.” Placing his elbows on the table he looked out, watching the few cars that passed by. He liked it because it was quiet.

“Well- I left my phone at home and started walking, taking a look at Vienna and places I haven't been to yet. Usually I- notice where I'm walking. I must have been deep in thought, unaware of where I ended up going. I had no intentions of coming to your house. I'm not that kind of person. I only found you at your university because you told me your study program and left your name on a sheet of paper. I wanted you to understand my offer and why it was urgent before rejecting it.” The breaks between the director's words became a little shorter, he also seemed less disoriented as he explained why the hell he ended up in front of Hoseok’s house. There was something shy to the way he talked, like he was embarrassed about getting lost, staring at his cup of coffee repeatedly.

“I ended up stumbling around for an hour trying to find my house once. I was drunk. It- it was a very long and embarrassing story. Is this your first time in Vienna?” He shook his head at himself and lifted his gaze, just to meet huge brown eyes that stared at him.

“Yes...I've never been to Vienna before. I had the idea for the script and knew that it had to be in Austria. It's difficult to explain. I've been to the Austrian mountains once, as a child.” The brown-haired man stopped talking and reached for the belt of his trench coat, he hadn't taken it off yet. Undoing the big buttons one by one, he let the coat slip down his shoulders and placed it on the bench next to him. He was wearing a white shirt like he did on set, tailored for his slim body.

“Sounds interesting. The mountains are beautiful, but I spent my childhood in the city. Where were you born?” Suddenly their meeting became a getting to know each other session. It was weird.

_But that's what normal people talk about when they meet, why is it weird with him?_

“Boston,” the director replied quietly and took another sip of his black coffee, shuddering again at the bitter taste. He had really long and thin fingers. His fingertips almost met when wrapping around the cup. “Also… thank you, Hoseok.”

Something about the way the director said it sent a shiver down his spine. He didn't know what the other man was thankful for or why he decided to say it. His eyes widened and he wanted to say something but his lips stayed parted with no sound escaping them.

_Just say that it's no biggie and be thankful that he didn't ask why you're carrying a mask around._

“I- it's- it's okay, I didn't do anything, I hope that you like the coffee.”

_Good. Asking about his coffee is good._

Whatever he did, it caught more of the director’s attention as he leaned his elbows on the table and used the teaspoon on his saucer to lift a little bit of coffee to his lips, slurping it off.

“You did a lot,” he replied and smiled brightly, cheeks lifting up and making his face seem much rounder than it did before. It joined the bangs in making the tall man seem really young. “The coffee tastes like death, so it's perfect. I told you I'm not afraid of dying.” The smile got a little wider, turning the plump, red lips into a thin line.

_He should do it more often._

“I did? I don't think so. But- how old are you actually?” He had been curious for a long time and it seemed like a good moment to ask.

“Well- you… didn't make fun of a grown ass man getting lost and were nice enough to share a story of your own. I appreciate the solidarity. It's… really nice.” Licking over his lips briefly, Mr. Chae dipped his teaspoon into his coffee cup again before placing it into his mouth. “I'm twenty-eight.”

_He looks younger. Way younger._

“Why would I make fun of you? We all get lost at times, in one way or the other.” A genuine smile spread his cheeks. The fact that the director got lost and accepted his help was something that made him more likable. “You look younger.”

“It's the hair, that's why I put it up,” Mr. Chae replied and lifted his right palm to brush his hair back, keeping it away from his forehead. His eyes looked sharper that way and he had delicately shaped eyebrows. “I don't usually get lost, unless it's around art. I get lost there all the time, voluntarily and involuntarily.”

“You always look aware to me, but what do I know?” He stared into his cup and remembered how his father told him that actors are born and not made. Maybe he was right, maybe there were things people couldn't do only because they wanted to.

_He's lost in art and you're lost in yourself._

 

***

 It was difficult to return to his senses and from the dark memory lane where his thoughts had taken him. Something about the streets of Vienna must have reminded him of the past, of his childhood, playful games and stupid jokes. It was running after a broken ball that had no meaning to anybody but him, covering a perfectly white wall with scribbles, calling out for somebody to pick him up, small hands stretched out towards the person he expected to arrive.

Memory lane always did that, maybe that had been the reason for including the childhood of his protagonists in all of his movies. His mind was one big mystery. His thoughts had disappeared in the depths of dark alleys and familiar streets until they met nothing that was known to him, foreign shops and unpronounceable street names.

It was sheer luck that Hoseok decided to talk to him, tapping his shoulder and babbling about several hundred possibilities that Hyungwon was barely aware enough to follow. It reminded him of the conversation he had with the boy, about the preference to drown in the outside instead of the inside. Hyungwon's choice would have been the opposite one, it was easier to drown in his own thoughts than retain awareness of what happened around him.

The red-haired boy was gesturing wildly with a strange mask and finally acted based on Hyungwon's short responses. They entered a small cafe, as Austrian as Hyungwon could have imagined it, small but comfortable furniture, fascinating cakes, bright smiles on the faces of all employees and coffee that was as bitter as he liked it.

Had he not been so confused, he would have rejected the offer to drink coffee with the boy in front of him. He would have hurried home and focused on his ideas for scenes and shots, tried to troubleshoot problems in advance and thought of ways to calm down the casting team. Kihyun had been right about their fury. But Hyungwon didn't regret coming along, it enabled him to taste a bit of Vienna, the real Vienna, not the bits that were built for foreigners like him. Had Hoseok not pulled him out of his thoughts and disorientation, he might have stayed there, staring at nothing in particular apart from his own cloudy memories.

That must have been the reason for thanking the red-haired boy, but he decided not to say it, using a different excuse instead, a playful one that fit the atmosphere. He switched the topic to something he was familiar with, painfully so. Art. It was the one thing he was able to drown in without repercussions.

“You always look aware to me, but what do I know?” the red-haired boy replied and occupied himself with his cappuccino, drinking a bigger gulp than before. It reminded Hyungwon that he owed the boy an invitation after he had paid both drinks.

“You know a lot, much more than most would expect from a boy your age,” he replied and licked over his spoon again. He enjoyed the metallic taste on his tongue, the way it mixed with the bitterness of the coffee. It conjured images in his head, of red lips licking over a spoon made of bone. He would have to add the scene, a brief transition.

“I'm not a boy. I'm more man than you can imagine,” Hoseok hissed suddenly, before looking out of the window and biting down on his pink bottom lip. Calling him a boy must've made him angry. “Sorry. Do you want cake?”

“I'm sorry for offending you,” he commented, chewing on his bottom lip a little. Their conversation wasn't related to their filming in any way, so he wasn't too sure about what to say or talk about. He rarely met anybody outside of filming.

_Never, you never meet anybody outside of filming._

“You don't resemble a boy, not in the way you are built or your actions, but your age makes that association in my mind. I won't call you that if you hate it, Hoseok.”

“It- I'm sorry for overreacting. If you call me a boy it makes me feel as if I'm not a completed character, as if I'm unfinished, childish, inexperienced. You might think that, but I don't think so of myself and it makes me angry. I mean- what would you say if I called you boy? Or baby? Or baby boy?” Suddenly the round eyes widened, wiping the previous vulnerable expression from Hoseok's face. The red-haired man wanted to say something, but downed his coffee instead.

Hyungwon's eyebrows shot up at that, trying to find a hint in the young man's face that suggested an offense or an implication for… something else. He understood that somebody who was on the bridge to being called a man would feel offended by somebody calling them boy, or a baby, but- baby boy had very different implications.

_Maybe it's because of your background. It's rare in other communities._

“Baby boy?” he asked nevertheless and hid his face by lifting his coffee cup to his lips. It was more effective than licking the spoon and gave him a few moments to keep his face in check. Not that he ended up blushing or something similarly ridiculous.

“Oh god, I'm so sorry, it slipped out. Uh- how about cake? They have amazing chocolate cake, or some apple cake if you prefer? They're homemade so they taste really different,” Hoseok replied and gestured wildly, standing up in the meantime. It looked as if the other man wanted to run away under the pretence of getting a piece of cake.

He nodded and sucked his lips into his mouth to avoid a smile. He gladly granted the red-haired man an escape as it meant he was also able to regain his composure. His brain had decided that right now was the perfect moment to put one and one together, reminding him of the four minutes that he had listened to Hoseok fuck a submissive young man. Nobody let ‘baby boy’ slip from their lips accidentally unless they used it frequently. The young man who was jumping from one leg to the other while choosing cake was most likely sexually active, enough to have sex related conversations frequently and use sweet names.

_He was rather well-endowed when he undressed._

Hyungwon groaned and stuffed his mouth with the teaspoon, frustrated that the red-haired boy had given him so much information involuntarily. He didn't want all that information, it wasn't relevant for the character Benjamin. Benjamin was straight.

Hoseok came back with two pieces of cake and smiled shyly. The difference was extreme, a transition that was as rough as a hit over the head with a baseball bat.

“You didn't say which one you prefer, so I got one of each because I like both.” The plates were put on the table gracefully. The boy must've worked in service before. “Ah, I wanted to ask- isn't it hard being abroad for such a long time? I mean you're here in a foreign country and you will probably stay here for a bit, isn't it- I don't know- strange? Lonely?”

_Lonely? Isn't it lonely everywhere?_

Hyungwon smiled at that, accepting the piece of cake that was closest to him and digging the small, decorated fork into it. It was sweet of the red-haired man to think about that, he hadn't considered it for almost four years. Not since he had returned to Boston after graduation.

“A year. I usually stay a year unless filming gets delayed for some reason. It's- unusual I would say, for others at least. But I got used to it, it's how I’ve lived since graduation. There isn't really a place to go back to, so-” He interrupted his speech, aware that it had gotten a little too personal for his taste. He preferred to keep professional distance with his actors, it wasn't about him as a person, but him as a director, the ideas and behaviours he tried to convey to his crew. “Let me ask you something else. Do you consider a child ‘incomplete’? Is that why you feel upset about me using the term ‘boy’?”

“I think it doesn't have to be a defined place to go back to, it can also be a person or a feeling one goes back to,” the low voice murmured as the boy took a piece of chocolate cake and placed it into his mouth, lips moving funnily as he chewed. It was difficult to look away, Hoseok’s control over his facial muscles was impressive. Almost black eyes suddenly found his gaze and held it for a few long seconds before Hoseok finally spoke. “Do I seem like a boy to you?”

“No,” he replied, because it was true. He had only thought of Hoseok as young and boyish in the first few minutes, the innocence that shone through in the beginning, multiplied by insecurity. It was still there, but more pure and less physical. “You have something innocent to you, but you aren't a child to me. However, I do consider children completed human beings, they have opinions and thoughts that are as valid as everyone else's. Experience makes the difference.”

“I never said that children are incomplete. I said that if you address a grown up the same way you would a child, you make a statement. I don't like that statement.” Suddenly the serious expression was replaced by a bright grin that transformed into a barely visible smile. Hoseok must've thought about something that changed his sentiment. “I know I shouldn't care whether you think I'm a child or not, but I'm a sucker for confirmation. I'm like this with my professors too.”

Hyungwon tilted his head a little, confused by what the red-haired man might have meant.

“You… prove to them that you're not a child?” he asked and felt his eyes widen a little. His mind helpfully supplied the way Hoseok had easily undressed in front of his crew, focusing only on him and nobody else. It was indeed a skill and the muscular man had also pointed out that he undressed frequently in front of strangers. Still it seemed a little- strange to do that in front of professors to prove a point. “Do you- is that why- ehm- you said that you undress a lot in front of strangers- do you- show them how developed your body is to convince them?”

Hoseok's eyes resembled saucepans, his mouth parted and stayed open before a corner of his mouth twitched and he started laughing, low and with his mouth open. Reaching for his shoulder, the muscular man pushed him a little while laughing. A little meant that he almost flew off the damn bench.

_That boy should work out less, for everybody's safety._

“What? You think I undress in front of my professors? No! I'd never do that. I also wouldn't have undressed in front of you if you didn't ask me to. The strangers- it's-”

“Baby boys?” Hyungwon interrupted and bit down on his bottom lip right after. That was definitely a little too intimate. Hoseok cleared his throat and stared at him with parted lips again.

“Y-yeah, you could say that. Yeah- let's say baby boys, it fits pretty well. What I meant was that I care about what others think about me, especially if I'm in some kind of relationship, be it a personal or a working one. And I'm not a child, I don't need to undress to prove my point. At least I believe that I don't.”

“You don't,” Hyungwon agreed and hoped to leave the rather uncomfortable topic of conversation. It went past his usual interest in his actors. If the red-haired boy struggled with the image others had of him, then it was none of Hyungwon's business. Hoseok was going to take care of that all on his own. “I can imagine that a few crew members think of you as a child, an inexperienced one, but I'm sure you can convince them otherwise.” He smiled to reassure the man in front of him and placed his palm on top of his briefly, squeezing once. It seemed an acceptable amount of body contact. Hyungwon wasn't really the best judge of that, he just went with what was necessary to show what he wanted to show.

“I don't think I can act,” Hoseok muttered and looked to the side, chewing on his curved lips. “But- you need to get to your hotel, right? I’ve kept you here for way longer than an hour. I can call a taxi for you, if you like. But you can of course still finish the cake.”

“I'm pretty sure that you can act, you only need to forget that you're acting.” Smiling, Hyungwon cut off another chunk of his cake, a little too big. Still he placed it into his mouth, opening wide and chewing slowly. The sugar was going to make him tired again. “It's all in you, I've seen it. You only need to let it come out, find the Benjamin in you and show him to everybody.”

Hoseok hummed but there was nothing more to his response, it almost seemed as if someone had blown out a candle that had been burning just now. It felt like the perfect time to leave the boy alone. The sight reminded him of the times he lost his motivation to communicate and just wanted to curl up somewhere on his own after drinking alone.

“You don't have to call a taxi for me, just point me in the direction of the metro,” he commented and stood up after placing the last chunk of cake into his mouth. His trench coat was warm from lying next to the heater and he sighed after putting it on. “Can I ask you one last question?”

“But- are you sure that you will find the way? What did you want to ask?” Rising from his seat, a pale hand reached for the red hair and ruffled it up. It was his nervous gesture again, perfect, and Hyungwon couldn't get enough of it. He couldn't wait to have it on film.

“Why…” Hyungwon paused to point at the beautifully decorated mask that was lying next to the other man's chair, kept out of sight, “Why are you running around with a mask in your hand?”

There was hesitation and he could swear that there was more colour on Hoseok's cheeks as he stood up and took the mask from the chair.

“Ah- this- I bought it today. It's for the baby boys or for undressing in front of strangers, depends on how you see it.”

_Oh boy._

Hyungwon hummed awkwardly, trying to slip out of the bench without bringing too much attention to himself. His face felt a little hot as his mind supplied counterproductive images of the man in front of him sleeping with other men while wearing a mask. He must engage in role playing or something. The media and legal team would eat him alive for that.

“I- I see.” He wanted to run away quickly without showing his face but he didn't know the direction. “The- the metro station. Where is it?”

“Two hundred meters around the corner,” the low voice commented before his gaze followed a pale hand that took the beautiful mask and put it in front of Hoseok's face, only leaving his curved lips and black eyes. “See you next week,” the red-haired man commented and winked before removing the mask again.

Hyungwon only nodded in reply as he turned around quickly and walked out of the cafe with hurried steps. The image of Hoseok’s black eyes through the gorgeous mask accompanied him all the way home.

***

“He's weird,” Hoseok murmured while taking off his shoes and placing the beautiful mask in the cupboard.

“Who is weird? The movie director?” Minhyuk appeared in the door, wearing his fake Versace bathrobe that Hoseok got him for his birthday last year.

“Yeah. I met him accidentally and he's- like a different person. It was as if he has two personalities, one for work and- the other one.” It made him think, maybe there was more to the tall man than he thought, more than he had already seen.

“Yeah- like you. You are also the cute, adorable Hoseok who loves theatre and then-” Minhyuk took the mask from the cupboard and placed it in front of his face. “And then you turn into this demanding, dominant red-haired devil. I bet your transformation is crazier.”

_He is right. People are different, you don't know him._

Humming, he took the mask out of his best friend’s delicate hand and winked. “He asked me what the mask was for and I told him it's for my baby boys. Why am I like this?”

“You are like this because you're you and there's nothing to be ashamed of,” Minhyuk replied cheerfully and hugged him. “And now tell me everything about your movie. I can't believe my best friend will become a movie star.”

_But you still can't act._

_

“Is there something in your past or present that the general public would consider ‘risky’?” the short woman in front of him asked. She was seated behind a small improvised desk and wore glasses, staring at him from right above the lenses. She seemed more serious than the rest of the crew, apart from the director maybe. Another blonde guy was seated at a desk not too far away from hers, taking notes as they talked.

“Risky? You mean whether I shot someone? No, I didn't,” he replied and wondered what this line of questioning was about.

The short woman frowned at him like she didn't think that was particularly funny and fixed her glasses, twirling her pen in her right hand.

“No, Mr. Lee, I am talking about affairs, scandals, things the general public will snap up like a cheap romance novel. You are a rookie actor, somebody with zero experience who's suddenly in a major art house production. That's a reason for lots of media coverage. I want to know if there will be something the journalists can dig up if they try hard enough.”

_Oh._

“Well, I have a hobby, or let's say a part-time job, that could appear a little weird. I film videos. Something like that?” Thinking about it, it did seem kind of risky.

“You're a YouTuber?” the woman asked, voice a little exasperated as she massaged her temples. It wasn't good news judging by her expression. The man who was sitting at the side scribbled furiously. “What kind of videos?”

“Not a YouTuber. I do not- film content like that, it's more- “ Damn, it was so hard to explain that he was fucking people into oblivion while wearing a mask and other people paid to watch it as a part of a gay adult community. “Anyways, it's paid content that doesn't require wearing any clothes. I do wear a mask and you can't see my face, but my hair is kinda- obvious.”

“Mr. Lee,” the woman paused and looked a little paler than she had a moment ago, lips turning into something resembling a chicken’s ass. “Are you telling me that you film amateur porn while wearing a mask?” The other man's scribbling stopped suddenly, almost like he wasn't sure if it was okay to write it down.

_Amateur porn?_

“I guess you could say that, but you can't access it that easily, you have to pay a hefty fee and be a member.” He had never met anyone on the street or privately who had recognized him, but on the other hand he couldn't know. He also wouldn't walk up to some gay porn actor and greet him enthusiastically.

“But there are previews, aren't there?” the man on the side asked suddenly, earning a disapproving glance from the woman. He looked a little nervous and fumbled with his notes.

“There are but the face- is not really the focus,” he murmured, gesturing wildly. He had never thought he would explain to strangers how paid porn subscriptions worked.

“Oh god,” the woman in front of him hissed and crossed her legs quickly, grabbing her pen again as if to symbolise that she had recovered. “Alright, Mr. Lee, how many people know about that- that part time job of yours? How many of them would happily share that information once you rise to fame?”

“My best friend and- well, the people involved, but I don't think that they would dig  appearing on TV with how they- act in the videos, so yeah. I don't think it's many. But-” he paused,  watching the woman intently. “Do I have to stop?”

“Being very honest with you, you've already done it, once somebody finds out you’re ‘fucked’ - excuse my language - independent of whether you still do it or not. My main concern are your partners because they can make media deals that keep their identities hidden. They could give the media a video with somebody else etc. There are a lot of options to get money by ruining the career of somebody else. The more videos you make the more people there are that might want you harm. Our job is to make sure that it doesn't happen, but the decision to do it is yours. However-” The woman paused again and pursed her lips. “I will need to talk to the director about potential media issues. Do you want him to hear it from me or do you prefer to tell him?”

“I can tell him. Do I have to talk to him now?” he asked again, remembering the other man's slightly blushed cheeks as he had called him baby boy like a creep.

_You want to see it again. You're the creep among the two of you._

“That might be best to be honest. With things like that one tends to push it off until it is too late.” Sighing, the woman sorted her documents and her intimidating aura was broken. Now she looked rather tired, head resting on one of her palms. “One last question, do all your partners see you without the mask?”

“They only see me in a mask, apart from when it's- not the first time.” He looked at the ceiling before standing up. “I'll tell him. Is he here?”

“Hallelujah,” the tired voice replied and gestured towards the door. “He is in his office, go ahead.”

_You can do it._

Hoseok nodded briefly and left the office of the media team, walking a few steps to the familiar room with the huge ‘do not disturb’ sign that was always hanging in the same place. He knocked.

There were a few moments of nothing, only the usual noises of the set and people calling out to bring them things.

“Come in,” he finally heard, accompanied by a sigh. He pushed down the handle and stuck his head through the door crack.

“Hey. I was at the meeting with the media team and I have to tell you- things,” he started, waiting for the invitation to come in.

“Ah, confession time I see. If it's about your sexual preferences you can leave again, I don't mind them and they shouldn't either,” the director replied and returned his big eyes to a few drawings on his desk. They must have been important. Mr. Chae's hair was styled the usual way and his sleeves were rolled back, unfortunately there was also nothing to read off his face.

_Sad._

“I don't think they know about my sexual preferences, we didn't talk about that. We talked more about- the thing with the mask.” Well hallelujah, it seemed like it was going to be an uncomfortable talk.

“The… mask,” the tall man repeated slowly as his face turned deadpan, disbelieving even. “Isn't that a- actually, how about you come in first?” He gestured for him to sit down on the black chair next to him and close the door. Hoseok did as told and looked to the side, gesturing with his right hand after ruffling up his hair.

“Uhm- the thing is, I wear the mask for the videos.” It was an amazing start and he regretted not preparing what to say in advance, but he wanted to be an actor, so he had to improvise.

Mr. Chae blinked furiously before staring at him intently like he was attempting to make sense of his words. It was impressive how easily he had returned to his director self, calm, quiet and with that empty but calculating look in his eyes.

“I believed that the mask was for… role play or something similar. What- videos?”

“It's not quite role play, it's more- I wear it because I don't want to have my face in all these videos. I mean- it's not the focus anyway and I really like the concept because you can't read all the facial expressions, just the pleasure in the eyes and the movement of the lips-”

_What the fuck are you telling him, Hoseok?_

“No- I mean- I film myself. It's paid content on an adult website and I wear a mask, but my hair is red, so the media team said the people I- was close with could try to create a scandal as soon as I'm in the movie, so I wanted to tell you. I don't really care about myself, but if it's a problem for you then- well- then you have to find someone without weird hobbies. Not that it's weird, it looks really nice to be honest.” He wanted to slap himself for the babbling, but leaned forward and stared at the director’s face instead.

“No way,” the brown-haired man muttered and placed a big palm on his thigh. It was remarkable how easily it spanned the width despite him having rather muscular and thick thighs. “I told you that you're perfect. I'm rather surprised by the fact that you told the truth. Most actors say there is nothing problematic until it is found out and then they pretend that they didn't know they had an affair behind their spouse’s back. Just- be careful I guess, double check the partners for your-” Some of the stone-like qualities disappeared as the director swallowed and glanced towards his pencil drawings. “Your videos. You… don't sound like you are talking about porn to be honest, more like it's a work of art for you.”

_His hands are warm._

“Because it's fun. I don't really do it for the money, even though it's quite a bit. The body can tell so many things that lips alone can't, and everybody reacts differently, there's always a new story to tell, something new to discover, a movement, a smile, a look, it's gorgeous.” Brushing his hair back, he smiled, remembering the most recent guy, the one the director heard him with.

_But why would somebody listen to someone having sex for almost five minutes?_

“It sounds like something one could immerse themselves in, even if I don't really understand,” the brown-haired man replied with a small smile. His hand was still placed on Hoseok’s thigh, not moving as he spoke. He licked over his lips quickly. “You solved a little bit of your mystery for me. The confidence you have, the way you didn't hesitate to undress and the qualities that make you everything but a boy.”

“That's why I said that you looked through me. Because I did hesitate. A lot,” he whispered and looked down at the big hand on his thigh, it got hot suddenly and he felt blood rush to his cheeks.

“I know, but during that fraction of a second, you showed every emotion that a face can express at once until you abandoned hesitation and did it. It was fascinating and I have never met somebody who was able to do it so easily. Not even actresses and actors that were used to filming erotic scenes and had several years of experience. It's impressive.” Mr. Chae's eyes followed his, landing on his own hand, but he didn't remove it. Instead he stared back into his eyes.

Hoseok didn't know what was worse, the compliments or the warmth of the other man's hand that burned through the fabric of his jeans.

“I-” God, his face was burning, it must've been visible. Swallowing his sentiments, he held the intense gaze and licked over his lips slowly. “Thank you. Really. I often express myself through my face. That's what my professors have told me multiple times.”

_How can you fuck someone into oblivion in front of a camera without batting an eye and blush because of a compliment and a hand on your thigh?_

“It's a talent,” the brown-haired man remarked quietly and removed his hand from Hoseok’s thigh, crossing out a sentence on the script, just like that. “Tell me one thing, Hoseok, do you consider the videos you make art?”

_Do you?_

“No. I don't think it's art. But it's definitely real and as authentic as it goes. I show myself. It's like standing on stage, only without a script.” Hoseok paused, shifting on his chair. “I really admire people like you, people who can become engrossed in art and create, make people feel things they haven't felt before. Even if we are pretty different and- not really friendly with each other, I still wanted you to know that I consider the script that you wrote art in its purest form.” He stood up, chewing on his cheek and hoping that his blush wasn't visible anymore.

“Who knows,” the director’s voice sounded behind him, thoughtful and a little lower than it had been before, “maybe all of us are just trying to recreate that one feeling, but never really do, failing by throwing the spear too far and crafting something else. But thank you, Hoseok, it means a lot coming from you.” It sounded like the other man was smiling, but it was difficult to tell. A few more moments of silence continued, accompanied by a shuffling of papers until the other man spoke again.

“You… said that the videos you film are you, acting in its purest form, real and authentic. Do you- mind me seeing it?”

_Oh god._

He didn't know why he panicked, the director could've found and bought it, but now it seemed like an assignment he had to show to a professor for evaluation.

_But you are confident, aren't you?_

“I'll send you a link,” he whispered and closed the door behind himself.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s like he’s a different person with a mask on, you thought the same when he put it on for a few seconds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 13th of April at 2 PM CET.  
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
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“But- he's Asian for fuck’s sake!”

It was the first time that Hyungwon had heard Joshua curse. The well-built, middle-aged man was rarely one to curse, especially in front of him. Both of them had put particular care into keeping the relationship strictly professional and without crossing lines. The main reason was that they simply didn't like each other. Hyungwon disliked the other man's tendencies to hire whoever wanted less money and Joshua disliked his opinions that weren't up for discussion. The contract was signed, Hoseok was going to be Benjamin, there was no point in discussing anymore.

“You're being racist,” Hyungwon replied calmly and couldn't wait for the moment he was finally left alone in his office and could get to work. Hoseok’s casting had delayed filming, so he was trying to improve the shooting schedule, if he could find the time to get on with it.

_And if people would stop treating your office like a public toilet that is._

“What?! I'm not racist! I have shitloads of Asian friends, what are you even talking about?!” Joshua looked furious but also uncomfortable. He was scratching the nail of his thumb over the wood of Hyungwon's desk. “It's an Austrian family, all the sons are Austrian and white, apart from that one! It's fucked up.”

Hyungwon sighed as his fingers found the small dip at his temple, right between his eyebrow and cheek bones. He massaged it by drawing circles, glancing at his shot sketches with longing.

“Who told you that his dead mother wasn’t of Asian descent? Have you seen her?” He raised an eyebrow and grabbed a pencil to make a few notes on top of the first sketch. It looked too simple and he wanted more of the carved figures in the back. They were supposed to be like a constant presence, watching the protagonist from their spots around the house.

“Well-” Joshua was obviously surprised by the question as he stalled for time by massaging his shoulder with his right hand and swinging his left arm around. “She’s Austrian. Of course I thought she’s white.”

Again Hyungwon sighed as he placed the pencil next to the sketch and finally looked up at the other man, lips curled in dissatisfaction and eyes narrowed.

“You’re racist, Joshua,” he pronounced carefully and lifted his right arm to gesture towards the door. “And now get the fuck out of my sight.”

There was brief shock, followed by annoyance as the other man finally gave up and rushed out of the door, closing it with more force than necessary. Hyungwon had no strength to reprimand him for the disrespect. The whole day had been cut out for a comedy instead of the life he was familiar with.

_How weird can a simple day get?_

He had planned to adjust sketches, talk to Benjamin’s brothers about their envy towards the youngest who was always preferred and close to the father and finally he had prepared to read the dialogues including Benjamin again and get a feeling for the way he wanted him to speak. Of course Hyungwon already had a vague idea, but with increasing knowledge of Hoseok and the way he behaved he wanted to adjust it, at least a little.

Instead of doing all of the above, he was confronted with the media team panicking because of Hoseok’s rather strange part-time job of filming himself fucking strangers for money, sudden compliments and additional information about the red-haired man that he didn’t know where to put yet. There was a deep abyss between the masked, muscular man that Hyungwon saw sometimes in front of his inner eye, without any warning, and the shy young man sitting on the chair next to his and blushing because of compliments and a hand on his leg. There was something unusual to it, something he couldn’t really place and figure out. The way Hoseok had described his videos, his behaviour in them and the authenticity of his reactions and decisions made him curious, curious to see what it was about, whether there was more to see by watching him interact with others, publicly.

_It is like having a small window through which you watch a private exchange._

Lee Hoseok had already caught his attention, not only by being the perfect Benjamin and living on the edge between innocence and maturity, strength and weakness, chastity and sin, but also by staring at him through the beautifully decorated mask, designed to fit his red hair and the meaningful smile that he hadn’t deciphered yet.

_You keep thinking about it._

Sighing, he ignored the email that was resting in his inbox, unread and containing a simple link. A link for porn if he was being very honest. There was no way that he was going to watch it in his office, surrounded by crew members and other people that constantly wanted to talk to him.

_But it’s for work, isn’t it? If you watch it privately that makes it strange, like it’s not about getting to know the motions and behaviours of the actor anymore._

Pursing his lips, he cleared his throat and glanced towards the door across from him, closed and unmoving. He let a few seconds pass, watching the door intently to see if it was going to open anytime soon. It was pointless as he couldn’t predict whether it would, not really, but he still did it. If not for security then for the false feeling thereof.

Once he was satisfied, he clicked on the unopened email and stared at the content. It was simple and didn’t contain an explanation or anything similar. It only said ‘as you requested’, followed by a link. There was something impersonal to it that made him uncomfortable again, like he wasn’t looking at it because the red-haired boy had constantly promoted it and told him how it was aesthetic and whatnot, but because he had some need to see it, to watch a nineteen-year-old boy sleep with another man.

He groaned at the implications and massaged his temples again. He genuinely disliked getting close to his actors, closer than explaining their roles to them that is. It took away the feeling of artistry, of following a plot instead of his own impression of the people. In addition there were some that hoped to gain his favour by being close and that was the least of his concerns, he never cast somebody unless they were suitable, no matter how much he liked their performance and their skill.

_You enjoy the distance, the way it allows you to think about your art only, apart from all the concerns that surround affection and relationships._

Watching such a video could have been considered getting too close, but Hyungwon took out a sheet of paper to make notes instead, to make it less intimate than it was. It was an analysis, an assessment of the way Lee Hoseok acted in private with another person he was sexually interested in. It was relevant for seeing if Hoseok could create a similar fascination with Marie. Hyungwon wanted the depiction to be real. There had to be a genuine reaction for it to be believable.

_Stop thinking and watch it already, you’re only making yourself overthink it._

Sucking his bottom lip into his mouth, he clicked on the link and pressed play. There was a black screen before steps sounded, dull due to the speakers of his laptop. As soon as the sounds of naked feet stopped the scene was illuminated. He could see a broad back and red hair. The man’s muscles were flexing with every movement. A few seconds passed before Hoseok turned to the side, revealing a black-haired man with soft facial features, at least judging by what he could see apart from the mask. He had plump lips and a round face. His body was slim, but lean and he was a little taller than the red-haired man. There was something strange to watching Hoseok’s partner, so Hyungwon returned his attention to the actual protagonist, twirling the pen in his hand in case there was something to note. There was so much confidence to the way the red-haired man moved, like he knew exactly what he was doing, back straight and difficult to look away from. The effect hadn’t been the same when he had undressed in the middle of the studio.

_It’s like he’s a different person with a mask on, you thought the same when he put it on for a few seconds._

What caught Hyungwon’s attention was the way Hoseok looked at the other person. The dark eyes weren’t leaving him, not even for a split second. The gaze through the red mask was accompanied by the pale hands, exploring the black-haired man's body. ‘You are gorgeous,’ Hoseok whispered as he leaned in and placed tender kisses against his partner's neck, travelling lower. One could see how the black-haired boy trembled in Hoseok's hold, shivering and whimpering softly at his ministrations. Every word sounded genuine, like it was pulled from Hoseok’s mind with careful fingers and presented to the observer in all its glory. Hyungwon was that observer and his heart sped up at the sight.

‘Please- please touch me- please,’ the black-haired boy with the low voice murmured, curling his fingers around Hoseok's muscular arm. They must have been approximately the same age as far as he could tell, but still Hyungwon understood why Hoseok had called his partners ‘baby boys’. There was something to the way he begged and gave himself up, allowing the red-haired man to decide for him, to be the one to act upon his wishes or not. The realization send a rush of blood downwards, burning through his veins and increasing the speed of his inhales. This was bad.

The begging had an effect as Hoseok leaned down and lifted the other man, curling his hands around his thighs and behind and clashing their lips together in a passionate kiss, accompanied by whimpers and low moans. Only now one could see that both men were naked, and the black-haired boy was much slimmer than Hoseok, he had... almost Hyungwon's body type.

_Don’t associate yourself with one of the individuals, that’s the whole point of porn. You’re not watching it for the porn. Focus on the motions, the expressions of desire._

It was easier to think it than to act accordingly. Hyungwon’s suit pants began to feel a little uncomfortable, but he ignored it, fingers wrapping and unwrapping around the pen in his hand repeatedly.

The red-haired man carried his partner to the double bed, body movements fluid and revealing a big tattoo that covered a part of his behind and lower back. He didn't seem like a boy. Not at all. Crawling on top of the moaning black-haired man, Hoseok tasted him with his lips and tongue, using teeth judging by the sounds. He kept travelling all over the other man's body, playing with his nipples and licking all over his skin. Depending on the angle one could clearly see how aroused Hoseok was. Well-endowed was an understatement.

_Oh god._

Hyungwon glanced to the side at the ugly, grey floors of his office and hoped they would return sensible thoughts to his head. He had no time for pointless arousal and irrational desires. A moan returned his attention to the screen and Hyungwon found himself considering Hoseok less and less boyish.

_It’s what you wanted, sin hidden behind innocence, doubled and in opposition in a single individual._

What happened next was crazy. Something in Hoseok's gaze must've changed as the boy started begging non stop, showing him his hands and asking to be tied up and to feel Hoseok in his mouth and inside him. It was hard to believe that it was a video that was made for other people to watch and not a well made film with explicit content, not with how Hoseok moved, how he watched his partner and how he pulled all kinds of sounds of pleasure and desperation out of the black-haired boy, how he fuelled the other man's desire and how he satisfied it. It looked insane when they had sex, how Hoseok's broad body settled on top of the slim man and entered him, evoking screams and moans, whimpers and gasps. Hyungwon imagined that it must have hurt with how huge Hoseok was. The sex was fascinating, it really was, even if he had never envisioned the red-haired man having such an obvious dominant side.  But it was- sensual? Was it sensual? Not cheap but full of authenticity. Hoseok was showing it all, even while wearing a mask and fucking a stranger in front of a camera.

His heartbeat had reached new heights, hammering in his chest and thumping in his ears, drowning out the sounds of moans and gasps that got louder and forced him to lower the volume of his laptop. His groin was burning even though he didn’t allow himself to reflect on what exactly it was burning for. He knew it was pleasure, but it had to remain undefined, a desire for gratification instead of something specific.

Hyungwon wanted Hoseok to infuse the same behaviours into Benjamin, to forget about what was around him by taking control of reality, to make it his own.

_He is capable of taking over another person completely, to melt them into a puddle of begging, but at the same time he blushes at a compliment?_

It was a mystery, one that he wasn’t able to solve, not even with the sight in front of him. His blood was boiling and rushing downwards, clouding his thoughts and intentions. His erection was pressing against the zipper of his suit pants and throbbing. It was enough to make him shift on top of his seat, blessing himself with a second of friction until it disappeared again, leaving the ache for more.

After they were done, the red-haired man kept kissing his partner, stroking over his skin and watching him intently. After a while Hoseok got up and walked over to the camera slowly, body movements sensuous and precise. His black eyes were shining through the mask and eating him alive right through the lens. Smirk, black screen. The end.

Hyungwon swallowed, staring at the dark computer screen like he secretly expected something to happen, for the masked man to appear again and grab a hold of his attention like he had for the past thirty minutes. The time had gone by in what felt like seconds, emptying an abundance of arousal and pure fascination with the way Hoseok was able to move.

Breathing heavily, Hyungwon finally let his eyes slip downwards to his lap, seeing the way the fabric was strained. It was ridiculous to respond, but everybody who saw the video would have understood his struggles. It was real, genuine affection and desire that every director tried to express, to portray in a few shots that could make or break a movie; a true money shot.

He sighed and rested his gaze on the sheet of paper he had placed on the desk to take notes.

It was empty.

 

***

He watched about twenty videos trying to find the best one, the most authentic one, the one he could show the director of the movie he was going to film. It was crazy, of course it was, but Hyungwon- no, Mr. Chae wanted to see. He had asked for it.

_Maybe he can see how differently you act when you can move with a purpose, when there is chemistry and you can show yourself._

Of course his desire for confirmation showed itself and he clicked send, attaching a link to the video of him with the black-haired boy. It had been a lot of fun and it wasn't as kinky as the rest, so it was the best choice.

_Now not only did he see you naked, he also saw you naked inside another man._

But it didn't matter, did it? It's not as if they liked each other, not really at least. It was only about art.

_You would never have sent him anything if he was able to see your face without a mask._

_

There wasn't much time to elaborate on his decision to send the director a video of himself and he also didn't have time to look into the script as the past few days had been occupied by his drama classes and the preparations for his tasks. Eventually Tuesday came and he had to ride over for the first day of filming. He had gotten the film schedule a day in advance, basically a call sheet with a lot of numbers, names and addresses and he was grateful that he recognized his name and the number of the scenes they were filming. That had to be good enough.

Hoseok felt like a teenager preparing to go on his first date, trying on different clothes even though it was clear that he would get new ones on set. There was something that the director didn't know about, it was his capacity to remember words. He could memorize any type of text in a matter of minutes. He already knew the complete first part of the script by heart, including scenes, movements and words.

_But you also know that it doesn't help you be a good actor. You suck, even if you know all of it by heart._

The thought made him sad, but at least- at least there was something he was good at and he could concentrate on what Mr. Chae would tell him.

_He told you that he would help you._

Sighing loudly, Hoseok put on his black turtleneck and black cargo pants and took his helmet but no script. He didn't need it, he only needed the director to help him so that he didn't fuck up and disappoint everybody. He felt the pressure, the pressure from people disapproving of Mr. Chae’s casting choice. He couldn't fuck up, it wasn't only about him anymore.

He got through the afternoon traffic successfully and walked into the studio building until he arrived at the already familiar door and entered without making any sound. There was no scene being filmed as one of the crew members nodded at him and announced his arrival through the headset. Everything was constantly commented on and communicated to the rest of the crew. It was foreign to be considered important enough to be announced throughout the set, followed by mentions of ‘copy’ as soon as other crew members heard the announcement. It resembled a brain and each crew member was a neuron, pushing information back and forth.

Only a few seconds passed before he saw the assistant director walk through one of the set doors and come over to him. There was a smile on his face.

“Great, you’re on time. You can go into the dressing room, change into your outfit and get your makeup done as soon as possible. Marlene is almost ready too, so we can do the first meeting. Director said it’s good to start with that one because you can be awkward, it’s natural with a first meeting, especially when you consider somebody attractive.” The short man seemed rather enthusiastic as he placed a palm on Hoseok’s shoulder and led him past the set to one of the dressing rooms. “We’ll let you know once everything is ready go.”

A chubby woman with bright blonde hair smiled at him and took over by leading him to a  rack covered in clothes. It was a little messy and less sorted according to actors than he had expected. “This is yours,” she commented and handed him a hanger with a shirt and pants, both looked decent and were mostly white.

“Thank you,” he replied and changed quickly behind one of the barriers. There wasn’t a lot of privacy, but the unfamiliar woman didn’t seem to be interested in him, preparing something next to a big mirror instead. His mind wandered back to the first scene he was meant to film. He knew that he had to act out attraction and love interest with Marlene. He trusted in his stage experience, but still, film was different, the camera could capture way more than the human eye could.

The woman that had showed him his clothes didn’t hesitate to pull him away from the barrier as soon as she realized that he was done and motioned for him to sit down in the makeup chair, bright smile on her face.

“You don’t need much, but we’ll bring out your eyes more. Our director loves eyes.” She grinned and placed an eyeliner between her teeth while fumbling in a big bag with various makeup items.

_He loves eyes?_

Well, the director was a human after all, there had to be something that he liked. Hoseok was fascinated by how much make up was ‘not much’ as a layer of foundation was applied to his face, in addition to various other creams and finally eyeliner and shadows in the corners of his eyes. He looked young but also somewhat dangerous. After the woman decided that he was done, he wanted to return to the set, but was stopped with a heartfelt laugh and a hand on his shoulder.

“The AD said that he’ll get you once the set is ready. I’m not sure how familiar you are with waiting, but a lot of movie making is sitting around looking pretty until they are finally ready to shoot your scene.”

The comment hadn’t been an understatement as Hoseok spent at least forty minutes sitting on that makeup chair and doing nothing. At some point a random tech guy had come in and shoved a microphone down his shirt without as much as a ‘hello’, all quick and efficient before he disappeared again. That mic pack had been fucking cold.

After what felt like an eternity, Kihyun finally opened the door and grinned at him. He didn’t bother to apologize for making him wait, it must be a common occurrence.

“I hope you feel ready. There's no pressure because we are still experimenting with the angles. It depends on your height difference etc. So you can just go for it at first while we figure out if we’re satisfied with the shots we planned.” Once they entered the set his attention fell on the director who was sitting on a chair with a few pages of the script in his hand, probably the scene they were about to film, and explained something to Marlene. The blonde woman was meant to introduce herself in the scene while Hoseok awkwardly attempted to do the same, shocked that his father had married such a young woman.

“Ah, Hoseok, good that you’re on time,” Mr. Chae commented and gestured for him to join him. His face resembled a stone again apart from the way his eyebrows furrowed in concentration. “I have been discussing my intentions with Marlene. The script says that we start with you already in the room and she walks in. I decided that’s unnatural and it should be you. Afterall she lives there. She’ll stop playing the flute upon your entry. Does that make sense to you?” A dark gaze focused on his eyes and the tall man pursed his lips.

“Yes, it makes sense. Is there something else I need to pay attention to?” he asked, wondering why everybody was so happy that he came on time but let him wait for minutes on end.

“Well, first off, not to the camera in the shots that I’m planning. The difficult part is to be aware of where it is without staring at it the whole time. Later on I’ll do a close up of your face, for that you’ll need to look at the camera. Otherwise you only have to pay attention to your lines.” The brown-haired man shifted his weight to his right leg and instructed one of the gigantic cameras to move further back in the room. “Marlene, begin by playing while sitting on that chair as agreed. We’ll do the blocking first.”

He had no idea what blocking was but the blonde woman in question nodded and blew Hoseok a kiss before sitting down on the chair in the middle of the room and pulling out the bone flute that she was meant to play. She impersonated the motions but didn’t really play, face transforming immediately into a look of concentration. Her makeup made her appear a little younger, face brighter and lips a natural rosy red. There wasn’t much acting involved yet,  it just looked like she was testing her spot in the room.

“Let’s get the motions right, then emotions and then we can start rolling. Hoseok, go behind the door until I give you a sign.”

He did as asked, nervous and trying to remember the positions of the cameras. Thankfully he had no problems with his lines. At least something positive.

_Think about him. How he must feel, shocked that his father had married someone so young._

Apparently blocking meant that they just walked through the scene, Hoseok into the room to a small white cross on the ground where he stopped, talked to Marlene and moved a tiny bit back in surprise, to a second cross in blue. They spoke their lines and he detected a small smile on the director’s face when he said them perfectly.

It felt endless, even without the cameras rolling. Each time he did the same things. He walked through the door, stared at Marlene playing the flute, was confused about who she was until she introduced herself and he expressed shock at her age. Each time the director had something different to say. First his posture, then the way he held his head, too far to the right and therefore blocking his expressions for the camera. Next it was where he looked, it wasn’t apparent in the shot and had to be somewhere straight ahead around Marlene’s height, but not too low since it made him look avoidant. There were so many tiny corrections for a single scene that was going to be less than a minute in the end. None of it had been related to acting yet.

“Let’s get to the core now.”

Again Hoseok repeated the scene, this time with the correct emotions, paying attention to his eyebrows and the way his facial muscles moved. He had read that all of it was captured on camera and had to be considered. There were comments about his depiction too, corrections of the tone of his voice and the way he tensed his jaw out of nervousness.

“It fits later in the scene when you realize who she is, but not when you hear the music. You enjoy it after all, imagine your favourite piece. Generally try to look more relaxed in the beginning,” the director commented and again Hoseok repeated the scene. He had already lost count, overwhelmed with the accumulation of things he had to pay attention to. Time passed and cameras were moved around, shooting short test footage until they were adjusted for the perfect shot.

“I think this is good,” Mr. Chae commented after what felt like the hundredth time Hoseok opened a door and introduced himself. “Do it exactly like that and make sure to remember all the little changes. It needs to look the same when we film it from the back. Okay?”

“Yes, Mr. Chae,” he replied, tired from repeating the same motion and the same words all over again.

There were a few seconds of nothing apart from the wooden door in front of his nose until the director's voice cut through the air, calling out ‘rolling’ which echoed around the set. “Now,” Mr. Chae said next and Hoseok moved through the sequence of motions and words he had learned, paying attention to the position of his head, to keep his face relaxed and be aware of where his eyes were looking, to pause on the second sentence to give them time to show Marlene’s face later and finally to express his shock at her age. His heart was beating furiously as he stared at the blonde woman and waited for the end of the scene.

“Cut,” the director yelled again and the noise that had been gone for the one minute that Hoseok acted out his scene returned full force as cameras were moved. “Now we do the exact same thing, but the camera will film from the back once. After that we do the face shot.”

Again the cameras started rolling and Hoseok played his part, still aware of the camera that must have been filming behind him somewhere, mic pack pressing into his back. There were a few minutes break as the cameras were rearranged again to film the last close up, the one where he had to stare at the lens and act instead of looking at the blonde woman.

It felt different, a bit unnatural because there was no response. He couldn't receive any feedback, any reply, just the glass surrounded by metal that moved with him, observing and judging silently.

“Cut,” the familiar low voice yelled again and Mr. Chae made his way towards him, placing a palm on his shoulder. “That was pretty good. I love how lost you looked, your eyes were even quivering a little, just the way I imagined.” There was a smile on his face and he looked like he was in a good mood despite spending god knows how many hours correcting Hoseok’s posture and expressions.

“O-okay, thank you. The only thing I know are my lines, everything else was you. Thank you for helping me,” he murmured. He got a small smile in return, barely reaching the eyes. It was nowhere comparable to the smile he had seen in the small cafe.

“Let's eat!” the director yelled over his head, definitely not addressed to him alone, and squeezed his shoulder again.

“You don't have to worry. You learn quickly and your face is really expressive. Food will be served in a room next to the studio, the rule is that lunch break starts as soon as the last person gets their food, from then on you have thirty minutes. I'll go grab a coffee in the meantime, I'm not really hungry when I work.” Mr. Chae returned his full attention to him again, staring at his features, beginning with his hair and slowly making his way downwards over his eyes, lips, neck, chest and finally back up to his eyes again.

He actually felt like vomiting from all the adrenaline. It was a mess.

“Uhm- I'm not hungry. I'll get a coffee and go read somewhere.” Nodding, he took out  ‘Time Within Time’ by Tarkovsky from his backpack and looked around, searching for a place to find coffee.

“We filmed for four hours, Hoseok. How can you sustain your body mass without nutrients?” the tall man asked with a frown and stared at Hoseok’s body again, as if to prove a point. “You'll faint in the next scene. You look- paler than usual. Is there something you need?” The big hand on his shoulder held onto him, as if to keep him in place.

“Director, may I have a moment?” Marlene walked up to them and gave Hoseok an apologetic smile before turning to Mr. Chae. “I would like to talk about playing the flute. I'm not quite sure yet if it's supposed to be delicate or seductive.”

“Wait for me,” the low voice muttered in his direction before the tall man stepped away to elaborate on how he imagined Marie would play the flute. It was very detailed, almost like he already had the whole movie playing in his head and only paused to get the shots right.

Using the director’s distraction, he walked around the set and saw a lonely chair standing behind one of the partition walls. It was perfect. It would've been more perfect if he had a coffee, but he was used to not getting what he wanted. Sighing, he sat on the black chair and opened his book on the page he had bookmarked. It wasn't surprising, but he immediately lost himself in the words, blocking out every sound from the outside.

He didn't know how much time had passed when a simple paper cup suddenly appeared between his face and his book.

“Here,” Mr. Chae's voice pronounced as the tall man remained standing next to him, towering over him since he was still sitting on the chair.

“Oh- coffee, that's what I needed! Thank you so much,” he replied with a bright smile and took the hot cup, immediately taking a sip. When one was tired the worst coffee tasted like the best.

“It's shit coffee because the casting team was in charge of that as well. They like to save on the important stuff.” The older man took a sip from his own cup and grimaced at the taste, not because of the bitterness this time. “Are you feeling better? Tarkovsky can do that to you.”

“He can.” Hoseok smiled again and took another sip. “How are you? Full of regret?” He stared at the brown-haired man as his smile transformed into a grin.

“Not at all. I'm rather concerned about you feeling at ease,” Mr. Chae replied and smiled back a little. “Considering you've never acted in front of a camera before you're simply amazing. All your mistakes were practical and not related to understanding the character or the emotions. Once you let go it'll be perfect.”

“It's the camera. I don't know how to explain it. I mean- I'm used to a camera, but in a different role. My camera is a companion, it observes and shows what I show her. Your camera is- it's like a judging being that wants to have all of you. It sounds weird, right? Don't worry, I'll try- not think about it.” He sighed and downed his coffee, closing the book after putting his pretty bookmark from the mask shop into it.

“That- that bookmark. It looks like… your mask,” the tall man muttered carefully and wrapped his long fingers more tightly around his coffee cup. “You're… different with a mask, but maybe this isn't the place to talk about that.” He looked a little uncomfortable, gaze switching from his face to the rest of the set. “You have to see the camera as a friend, somebody that you share with.”

“She's not my friend. I don't like her,” he murmured before lifting the bookmark and holding it into the directors face. “It's because it's from the shop that I bought the mask from. It's gorgeous, right?” Suddenly it dawned on him that the brown-haired man must've seen the video he sent. He felt blood rush to his face and stared. “I see you clicked on it.”

Mr. Chae wasn't looking at him as he nodded, gaze remaining focused on the bookmark and its intricate design.

“That was the point of sending me the link, wasn't it?” the low voice asked as big brown eyes slid upwards until they met his own.

“Sure, still you could've decided that it's not worth your time. You're busy. How-” Licking over his lips he leaned forward, sliding the bookmark with the mask on it over the left side of his face, looking into the other man's eyes intently. “How did you like it?”

_You need confirmation again, don't you?_

 

***

There was order to everything, to the time at which shooting began, to the arrangement of schedules and scenes, to the positions of cameras and also to the behaviour on set.

Hyungwon always tried to find a balance between constructive criticism and praise, to make his actors feel at ease and taken care off and therefore able to show everything they were capable of. A few things did not belong on set, among them personal relationships, inappropriate conversations and intimacy. Those things were meant to stay as far away from the set as possible, Hyungwon was a professional after all.

He was rarely somebody to regret a decision, especially if he had made it in favour of art and understanding. There was no such thing as a wrong decision if it brought him closer to his actors and the individuals they were meant to portray.

_But you shouldn't have watched that video._

He kept comparing the way the red-haired boy shifted in front of the camera, clenching his jaw, with the way he had played with the camera in the video clip. Hoseok had been perfectly aware of its position then, of the angle it showed, how much of his body was visible and how he had to flex to let the light fall perfectly on his muscular frame. There had been so much expertise in those thirty minutes that Hyungwon couldn't help looking for it in the four hours they just spent filming Hoseok's first scene. Marlene already looked tired, but she was used to it, experienced with how long a single scene could take. Even if it was only ten seconds, it had to be perfect.

_He could have done it perfectly if he had worn a mask._

It was a sudden thought, telling him that there was something about the mask that the red-haired man hid behind. It took his inhibitions and enabled him to act without shame or concerns. It was fascinating and Hyungwon resisted the urge to tell Hoseok to wear it, only to see the difference and if his hypothesis was right.

Maybe that was the reason for mentioning the mask as his eyes fell on the bookmark in the boy’s book, beautifully engraved with swirls and a vibrant red. It instantly returned the image of Hoseok right in front of the camera, grinning before the screen turned black.

The thought sent a rush of blood to his face, so he averted his gaze, glancing around the set before returning his attention to the bookmark. It was safer.

_He send it to you to watch, why else would he have given you the link?_

“Sure, still you could've decided that it's not worth your time. You're busy. How-” The words caught his attention as he stared back at the boy's almost black eyes. A pink tongue licked over curved lips and Hoseok leaned forward, lifting the bookmark with the beautiful mask on it to his face, sliding it along it. Hyungwon's heartbeat picked up at the sight and he didn't like it, sounds around them becoming dull. “How did you like it?”

The sensation of heat continued throughout his body and he swallowed, convinced that this was not the place for such a conversation.

_You can't talk about it here, you might say something that's not meant for the set._

“I might tell you if you meet me by chance again,” he whispered as one of the PAs announced the end of the lunch break.

Hoseok’s black eyes turned big, his answer must’ve been surprising for the red-haired boy as he put the bookmark back and furrowed his eyebrows.

“You might as well tell me to go fuck myself,” the low voice muttered as Hoseok stood up and walked past him, holding the book safely under his muscular arm and throwing the cup into one of the bins on his way.

_What?_

Hyungwon stared after the red-haired boy, unable to understand why he had reacted with such hurt. Had he said something offensive?

_You only told him to talk about it another time, preferably not on set._

Well, he had been pretty cryptic about it. After all talking about porn wasn't in his job description, especially not with his actors. He sighed and massaged his temples again. This was getting way more complicated than he had anticipated.

He returned to the set and sat down on his chair, but he didn't need to wear glasses to know that Hoseok was different, shoulders pulled together and jaw tense. It wasn't going to work for the scene he wanted to film.

_He looks like he hates everything, he can't feel fascinated and in love like this._

“Set up the scene without me for now, you have the instructions,” he told the crew and stood up again, walking over to Hoseok.

“Let's drink another coffee,” he offered and examined the expression on the boy’s face. There was a frown, Hoseok swallowed, his black eyes travelled all over his face, his neck and back to his eyes as his curved lips pressed together for a split second before parting in a reply.

“Don’t we- have to film?”

“We do, but we need to adjust the set a little for the next scene and you also need to change. Same goes for Marlene, she will need to fix her make-up and get her hair redone. The cameras will be moved and the whole lighting setup will be rearranged. It will be at least an hour if not more. You can use the time to drink coffee and maybe eat a little bit.” He hoped that he could address why the red-haired man was upset once they were off set. He really didn't want him to film with those feelings.

“Oh- okay.” Hoseok nodded and took his book and a protein bar out of his black backpack before the gaze settled on him again. “Where can I get coffee?”

“Come with me.” Hyungwon swallowed and nodded at one of the PAs briefly who gave him a surprised glance. He was a perfectionist and made sure to always be present when they set up the next scene.

_They might have to change things once you're back._

“It's my turn to show you a nice cafe, my throat feels like I swallowed a hedgehog,” he added and smiled a little, hoping that it reassured the red-haired boy. He wasn't very good at this, he was much better at giving instructions and filming movies.

There was no reply as the red-haired man simply nodded and followed him quietly.

_That worked well, not._

He didn't sigh since he knew that made him look annoyed and licked over his lips instead, frustrated that he hadn't put on lip balm. He was generally not used to going somewhere with his actors, dear god. It almost felt like that time he got lost in Vienna and Hoseok found him and showed him where to go, only that now he actually knew where he was.

_You just don't know what you're doing._

“I thought the set would be a strange place to talk about your video,” he began once they left the studio, Hoseok still in his filming clothes and Hyungwon only in a thin, white shirt. They weren't really prepared for April weather, but luckily it was only a few minutes walk. “I'd prefer to do that… privately, or somewhere that's not connected to work.”

That hadn't worked very well, because the red-haired man in front of him was Benjamin, through and through. One half of him was visible.

_The other appears once he puts on a mask._

“It makes you uncomfortable? You don’t need to talk about it if it does, I’m no sadist. Just tell me only work related things. It’s just… you always look at me as if you’re observing me intently and I felt it was a real pity if you didn’t see most of me while doing so.” Hoseok spoke quietly, voice low and pleasant to his ears.

_You can't just not say anything to that._

“I'm thankful that you showed me,” he murmured as they turned around the corner and he wrapped his arms around his waist to stay warm. “You're different when the camera is yours, but you could apply it for the movie too. Imagine the camera are people behind the screen that want to see you fall in love, be desperate, be with the woman that was your father's. You could apply all of these, drown in the outside instead of the thoughts inside your head that tell you something is wrong with the house, with the carved figures and the disappearance of your mother.”

“We will see if I can.” The red-haired man moved smoothly and held the door open for him as soon as he recognized the cafe Hyungwon was taking him to. “I will try my best to not disappoint you.”

“You're different when…” He trailed off and felt discomfort return to his chest, tensing it up and bringing colour to his cheeks. It was really cold outside. “When you- wear a mask, definitely not like a boy.” He made his way to a random table at the back and sat down, rubbing his hands together to bring the warmth back. The red-haired man didn't seem to have any problems with the temperatures, his body must have been bulky enough to stay warm.

“At least I'm not a boy anymore, we're getting somewhere.” There was a breathtaking smile as Hoseok let himself fall onto the chair. “Do I have to buy the coffee this time too?”

“No,” Hyungwon replied and returned the smile, at least a little. He waved at one of the waiters and asked for a double espresso and a cappuccino for Hoseok, that had been the other man's drink of choice before. “Today it is my turn to invite you. How do you feel after filming the first scene?”

It felt safe to stay with filming as the topic. That way he knew what to say.

“How I feel? Okay, I guess. I was expecting to go home to be honest. I think your script is interesting, but I'm- I'm someone who is only used to stage acting or- or the video that you've seen, only in a lot of different variations and this is different and you must think that I suck. In a bad sense of the word.” Hoseok grinned after making his face live through all kinds of emotions and trying to hide it by glancing outside. It wasn't enough to hide it completely though and Hyungwon found himself observing the way the red-haired man averted his eyes.

_He dislikes his performance. None of that confidence remains when he's on the set._

“I don't think that you suck. I think that you make the camera your own once you wear a mask, but you don't need the mask to do that,” he replied and successfully suppressed saying ‘and not only the camera’. The waiter from before placed their cups in front of them and disappeared with a smile. The aroma was perfect and Hyungwon couldn't wait for the explosion of bitterness on his tongue. He felt a little weak, probably because he hadn't eaten. “Do you want to eat too? They have decent sandwiches.”

“Don't know. I think you overestimate my ‘skill’. And I guess we should eat, you definitely should, I don't know how long we will need for the second scene.” There was a thoughtful look on the other man's face as he took a sip of his cappuccino and left a tiny bit of milk foam on his curved upper lip.

Hyungwon barely resisted the urge to cringe at the bad plot element. There wasn't even a plot to begin with, but memories of his aunt watching melodramas for days on end filled his mind. His lips curled up at the thought and he pulled his coffee cup to his chest in response, warming him up from the outside.

“Scenes can take a very long time. Movie making isn't the most gratifying job. Sometimes you can spend fourteen hours filming fifteen seconds, but it's worth it at the very end, when you see how it all blends together. For me it's always like a dream come true, a way to show a thought to somebody else. You can never tell what another person is thinking, but like this, it seems like I can let others experience what it's like.” He had gotten carried away by his explanation, trying too hard to stop thinking about the foam on Hoseok’s lips and his aunt's melodramas. He hated bad movies with such a passion that it bordered on obsession.

The other man gave him salvation by licking the milk from his lips.

“Thank god,” he hissed and released a breath he hadn't been aware of holding.

“What? Thank God that you can let others experience what it's like? What your thoughts are like?” Hoseok looked confused.

“What? No, it's-” He inhaled but didn't continue talking as it sounded rather strange in his head. So much for expressing his thoughts. He sucked when it wasn't concerning a plot and a camera. He had to try though, unfinished thoughts were even worse.

_Like a white screen._

“There was… milk on your lips and- it's such a bad plot element. Like the god of melodrama wants me to be predictable and do something about it.”

“There was- milk on my lips?” Hoseok repeated and stared at him, blank expression on his usually extremely lively face. “And the god of melodrama wants you…” Suddenly the black eyes widened and he saw how the red-haired man must've understood what he had been talking about. “You- could've told me?”

_Be thankful that he got it at all, it's not about the movie and probably gibberish._

“But that would have been another plot line! Don't you know those terrible comedies in which the girl goes ‘where, here?’ and licks over her lips and the guy is all flustered and suffering. I don't want to follow any of those. They give me the creeps.” He shuddered to support his words and took a sip of his coffee, shuddering again, but because of the bitterness this time.

“You-” The word was supported by a cheerful chuckle. “You're cute,” Hoseok commented and took another sip of his coffee, smiling.

“What?!” His eyes widened and he almost choked on the teaspoon that he had used to drink his coffee at a slower pace. It was nicer to have small bits of bitterness instead of knocking himself the fuck out. But being called cute was shocking enough to almost swallow the damn thing whole. No one had ever called him cute, not even as a child.

_At least not as far as you can remember._

“It's not cute! It's terrifying, don't you understand? It's like a terrible script writer decided to push behavioural patterns into your brain and you follow them because you haven't seen anything proper. It's terrible!” he explained and gestured towards his head to emphasize that it was ingrained and one didn't even realize it most of the time. “It's like it was your own thought, ‘oh yes, I should kiss the milk from her lips, it will be romantic’.”

“I think it's cute that you think about it. I don't really care. It's binary for me, either I do what I'm told, or I act completely on my own accord. There's almost never a combination of both so- either I think about whether it's appropriate and follow the script of proper social interaction, or-” The red-haired man isolated his pinky finger, slid it through the foam of his cappuccino and reached for Hyungwon's face, covering his bottom lip with the white, warm foam. “Or not,” Hoseok finished, staring at the result of his action.

_He made you the protagonist._

Hyungwon observed the young man in front of him, eyes widening at what had just happened and how he had suddenly become part of a plot line instead of remaining in the background the way he liked it. His fingers trembled around his cup and he tightened his grip, enough to turn his knuckles white. No gun had been introduced prior to their meeting, so there was nothing to shoot. Chekhov was no help.

“There- there is no such thing as binary, Hoseok. It is very well possible that you want to do something because you saw it somewhere. It's important to- to know the source and I hate it when it is a bad source, an unreliable one.” His heartbeat was thumping in his ears and he pressed his lips together, unsure what to do.

“You think I saw how someone covered their bosses’ lips in milk foam? That would be some creative plot. In addition, we can only survive because we learn. If it was a melodrama the protagonist would kiss it away, but it's not, so-” Again the other man's pale hand reached for his face and he wiped the foam from his lips, licking it from his finger right after. “I'm taking it back ‘cause it's mine.” Hoseok stared at his lips for a few long seconds before he continued drinking his coffee as if nothing happened.

A light tugging appeared in his lower stomach and combined with the force of his heartbeat. It was dangerous, so Hyungwon closed his eyes and leaned back on the bench. His hand lifted his cup and he took a bigger sip, without the teaspoon this time.

“You are meant to learn good things. If you learn bad ones it's good to recognise them. Unrealistic expectations of relationships are definitely bad ones. I don't think that you've seen it in this- particular constellation, but you might have seen something similar. Anyway-” He turned away and waved the waiter over to order two sandwiches and ask them to hurry up a little since they had to return to work soon. Hoseok still hadn't changed and his make-up was a little smudged at the corner of his eye.

_Oh no, another one._

Hyungwon didn't remember where that had appeared, so maybe it wasn't as melodramatic.

“Ehm- your makeup. It's… smudged.”

“Oh, is it? Where? I don't wear makeup, so I have no idea what you mean.” Hoseok was observing him while resting his chin on his palm. “But you're very judgemental, aren't you? Leave the people their unrealistic expectations. Reality is not what people want, they want beautiful stories.”

“I like to show reality,” he whispered as his eyes widened and he tried to find a way to explain to the red-haired man where his eyeliner had smudged. “I like to show reality because that way I remember that it's there instead of drowning in what's on the inside. Your- your eyeliner is smudged, on the right eye, right below three quarters of your eyelashes from the right.”

The black eyes kept staring at him, without the other man moving or attempting to fix his smudged eyeliner. Instead Hoseok smiled and took another sip of his coffee.

“It's nice, what you show, I mean. But it doesn't mean that it's the only thing that has a right to exist. I might look like a clown. I like the thought.” Hoseok removed his gaze and gifted a gorgeous smile to the waiter, who brought their sandwiches.

Hyungwon felt a little disturbed by the fact that the other man didn't do anything about the small smudge of black below his eye. There was nothing that resembled a clown about that. It didn't resemble anybody really.

“I don't think that my work is the only right thing, I merely dislike melodramatic plot elements. It makes you think that if you are strange or differ from the ordinary in an unacceptable way, then there will be somebody to lift you up and treat you like a princess. Real life isn't like that. You just get bullied, lose self esteem and try to show yourself through some other means. It's depressing to be honest.” He sighed and inserted half of his sandwich into his mouth. The bigger the bites the faster it was gone.

Chewing on his sandwich in a more than hilarious way, the red-haired boy gestured with his free hand and talked as well as he could with a full mouth.

“I know. But maybe those people need the melodrama to feel something good for once. Leave them the positive emotions, they have enough depressing stuff in their lives. I'm not saying that you're right or wrong, it's just different for everybody. You don't need to be melodramatic. I'm not melodramatic either. If you had seen the other videos I made you would know.” Another smile, a glance to the side, few seconds of silence, black eyes focusing on him. “We have to go back, right?”

Hyungwon's mind immediately returned the image of Hoseok’s face, covered by a mask and a grin on his face. Then it was replaced by the red-haired man's motions, the way he made his partner scream and beg without a break.

_Not now._

“Won't it-” He swallowed to get rid of the taste in his mouth and distract himself a little. “Won't it be worse for those people if they are overcome by positive emotions only to be disappointed in the end? To return to their solitude?” He had never thought of the man in front of him as a melodramatic person, he didn't need to watch any more videos for that. “Why are you telling me about your lack of melodramaticism? Do you want me to watch more videos?” He blinked a few times to understand Hoseok’s intentions, but it didn't help.

“Huh? Sorry, I should stop talking about my videos, it's just that you're one of the few people who know, so it's easy for me to give it as an example. I'll pay attention.” Stuffing the rest of the sandwich into his mouth, Hoseok chewed on it endlessly while pulling his phone from under the table and looking at something on the screen.

“You can talk about it, it's fine. I just thought you wanted to show me another video because it apparently says more about you than the one I've seen.” He exhaled slowly and inhaled the rest of his sandwich instead of air. It was fast and efficient and tasted the same anyway. His coffee disappeared next as he drank it up and shuddered at the taste. Everything was perfect apart from the bit of eyeliner below Hoseok’s eye. That frustrated him beyond belief.

_Fuck the smudge, you don't need to watch more videos, Hyungwon. It'll only make it worse._

“There's quite a lot of content,” Hoseok murmured without lifting his gaze from his phone. “But I made sure that you didn't get freaked out, so I sent you the light one.”

“Light one?” he asked, not sure what that was supposed to mean. He knew soft and hard, but what the hell was light? “Do you have different light settings for those videos? You covered your body in dark red light. Is it different in the others?”

_Stop asking, you don't need to see more. Think about the smudge instead._

“By light I meant something that you- at least I think so- won't be shocked to see because it was the one you listened to for five minutes. The content is different, the things I do. I'd love to have different light settings and angles, but I'm alone and life is hard.” Smiling shyly, Hoseok got up, letting his phone slip into the pocket of his trousers that he wore for the filming. “We have to go back, or not?”

_So it was soft instead of hard._

That was reason enough to not ask any more, so he nodded and pulled a few euro bills out of his wallet, hoping it wasn't too much. He wasn't really stingy, but as a director everything ended up being more expensive than initially planned.

He wrapped his arms around his waist to keep warm once they were outside and stared at the smudge while thinking about light settings. It was a safe topic, professional and it most likely didn't result in more links in his inbox. That was good.

“You could try a mixture of red and blue from different sides, it emphasizes the shadows and curves beautifully,” he murmured and pulled his lips into his mouth. He was going to freeze on the way back.

“Mhm. Thank you for the advice, I'll think about it, Mr. Chae.” The red-haired boy walked next to him with his hands in his pockets. He didn't seem cold at all.

He hummed and glanced to the side,  focusing on the little bit of black. Sighing, he gave up, stopped and unwrapped one of his arms before reaching out towards the red-haired boy's face. His thumb smoothly rubbed over the area below Hoseok’s right eye. Then he wrapped his arm around his slim and freezing body again and hoped that he hadn't begun some plot he wasn't aware of yet.

He hated being the protagonist.


	5. 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's not really him, it's a different side of him, one that he doesn't show.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 13th of April at 2 PM CET.  
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
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> We are always so damn grateful about every little bit of feedback, be it a comment, kudos or a message on Twitter :D You guys are the major reason that we write! (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)

 

Coming home after a long day, he let himself fall on top of his double bed and let out a loud groan. The last filming was longer than the first and he felt completely exhausted. The director was demanding and a perfectionist, ordering people around and making him do the same thing all over again until he was barely able to keep his expressions in check. Sure, it definitely didn't help that the other man had asked him about his videos and it also didn't help that he had blushed like a ripe tomato only because he didn't expect the tall man to wipe his face clean in the middle of the street. Their interactions were weird, somehow unnatural, not flowing but chunked in pieces that didn't resemble each other.

_And you tried to break it by putting foam on his lips. You're a genius, Hoseok._

He had felt like it, so he did it. There were no second thoughts, they came later and brought their friends regret and embarrassment.

“You look dead,” Minhyuk commented and let himself fall next to him, one leg thrown over his stomach. “You definitely look better after you film here.” The black-haired man chuckled and bit into his arm.

“Yeah- because it's fun. I understand the point and what the director says also makes sense, it's just so tiring, and I really don't like the cameras. It's weird, right?” He turned to his best friend and sighed.

“It does make sense, your camera here is just company. There it's a merciless evaluator of everything you did wrong. At least that's how I imagine it. And you actually don't like showing your face too much.” Minhyuk's lips pulled into a thin line accompanied by an uneven blink. “But how's uni?”

_Yeah, you should actually look over the literature for the seminar tomorrow, but you're dead._

“It's fine, I have to plan better starting tomorrow. I also wanted to shoot another video, but my schedule is full. I should buy a new toy.” Grinning, he decided to buy one for Minhyuk too, so that the other man stopped taking his stuff.

“You're too busy to fuck, wow, this is unhealthy, be careful.”

_Just don't forget to study._

_

 

After he had chosen a pretty lilac-coloured vibrator and a pair of red silk ribbons, he strolled through the big shop, looking at the new arrivals and smiling at the advertisement.

There weren't many people at this time of day and he moved towards the cashier slowly until his eyes focused on a familiar looking back, hugged by a white shirt and accompanied by  dark-brown hair.

_What is the director doing in the sex shop next to your apartment? This is getting extraordinarily weird._

Hoseok didn't say anything and just stared, watching the tall man turning a package in his hands, examining it intently. He thought about coming closer, but the other man must've made his decision and walked towards the cashier. Smiling, he followed, lining up after the handsome looking man.

_You're a creep._

He was, at least a little bit. Glancing at the belt, he saw that it was the exact same cute, black prostate vibrator he had bought and had to exchange later.

_What would he need a prostate vibrator for? Dipping it into his coffee?_

A bright grin spread his cheeks as he put the lilac vibrator and the red ribbons on the belt and waited for Mr. Chae to pay for the expensive toy.

_Or he just wants to have fun too. He definitely should._

There was a little bit of awkwardness in the director's movements as he pulled out a few bills and paid for the vibrator without saying a single word. He didn't even reply to the cheerful ‘have a nice day’ that the cashier threw his way. Instead the brown-haired man fumbled with his fingers, then with the package of the vibrator before he placed it into a cotton bag with the words ‘I like big books and I cannot lie’ and prepared to leave the shop. That is until his big eyes met Hoseok’s and he stopped as if frozen, staring at him while hugging his cotton bag. Hoseok couldn't help it, but the director looked cute again. It was what it was.

“Wait, let me pay real quick,” he said and winked, before grinning at the employee and exchanging a few friendly words as she packed his things into a black plastic bag, commenting on how pretty the red silk ribbons were. As soon as the bag was handed to him, he turned and closed the distance to the tall man whose eyes looked as if he was about to panic.

“Hey! We see each other quite often. Coffee?” he asked and brushed his bangs back before playing with the big hole in his jeans, uncovering some of his thigh.

“Ehm-” The director glanced at the bag in his arms and back at Hoseok before nodding slowly. Just like back then when they had met randomly on the crossing in front of Hoseok’s house, the brown-haired man seemed a little lost. But not geographically this time.

_He probably thinks you'll judge him, or something._

“I won't steal it, I have the same one.” He grinned and pointed at the other man's bag before gesturing outside. “Let's go, the weather is amazing, we can sit outside.”

_At least you didn't offer to show how the thing works._

“I- know you have the same one. You gave me the bill before taking it back,” Mr. Chae muttered quietly and checked quickly whether his own bill was safely inside the bag.

“I know that you know.” He smiled and walked towards the exit before he looked back, beckoning the director over to follow him.

The other man didn't say anything this time and merely followed him. The way he wrapped his long arms around his bag reminded him of the way the director had held onto his own waist when they walked back to the set.

“Are you cold?” he asked, enjoying the warm rays of sunshine. He liked spring, it wasn't too hot and the scent of blooming fruit trees and flowers filled the air that seemed extraordinary fresh, even though they were in the middle of the city.

“No, I'm fine,” was the quiet reply as the director followed him, staring at his feet instead of their surroundings. “Do you... go there often?”

“Where? The shop? It depends on whether I need something new. I guess twice a month at least, but I have a big collection of fun things, so not as often as before. In addition, it's right next door, so it's convenient.” Hoseok hoped that the brown-haired man didn't mean the cafe.

“Ehm- I- Nevermind. Do you live in your apartment because it's close to the shop?” The director looked up and met his gaze briefly, looking for something in his face.

_He did mean the cafe, didn't he?_

Closing his eyes at the slight embarrassment, he returned his gaze to the older man's face.

“No, the shop just happened to be here and its selection is exceptional, so I just go there when I need something. I wouldn't move into an apartment because of a sex shop. I live here because I like the quarter and Minhyuk likes it too, that's why we decided to take the apartment here.” Smiling, he pointed at a cute, white metal table standing outside and put his bag on one of the chairs, gesturing for the director to sit down on the other one.

“Is Minhyuk your life partner?” Mr. Chae asked with a spark of curiosity and placed his bag next to Hoseok’s. “I understand your choice of apartment. It is surprisingly quiet but at the same time exciting here. The houses are beautiful too and seem to have a story of their own.”

“Noooo, Minhyuk is my best friend. I don't have a ‘life partner’, whatever that means. And you're right, I really like it here. Black and bitter for you?” he asked with a smile, making his way towards the entrance to place their order.

There was a brief nod as a smile appeared on the older man's face. He was positively surprised that Hoseok remembered even though it wasn't difficult.

“By life partner I meant the typical replacement for marriage that one has in gay relationships. Most men don't really go for the wedding, so I used the less suggestive term.” Sighing briefly the director shifted on his metal chair and crossed his legs. “There is one thing I'm curious about. How come a nineteen-year-old like you has such a hobby? Most men try to find themselves around that time, to understand what they enjoy and what not, but you- seem pretty sure about that.”

_He thinks you're too young for this, doesn't he?_

It was okay. Hoseok was used to this discussion, even though he had always been careful when telling people. It was mostly vague and in the context of a general discussion, but the response had rarely been different.

“I started experimenting early and had the luck to know what I enjoy after a short time. I'm also very open about it, so there are no misunderstandings and the- my partners know it too when they decide to get close.” He chewed on his cheek and entered the cafe, ordering a black coffee and a cappuccino. The chocolate cake looked delicious, so he got that too. He didn't need a tray and carried everything outside, placing the plate with the chocolate cake on his wrist, balancing it skilfully. As soon as everything landed on the table, he sat down next to Mr. Chae and took a sip of his cappuccino.

“You are pretty skilled at this. Have you been a waiter before?” the brown-haired man asked and finally seemed to relax a little. His eyes stayed wide but a charming smile played around the corners of his mouth.

“Yeah, catering for rich people. The part time job I have now is my favourite though.” He grinned and took a piece of the cake with one of the provided forks and put it into his mouth.

“I'm sure it's ‘more fun’,” Mr. Chae murmured and licked over his lips before glancing towards his bag like he suddenly remembered that he had bought a vibrator. “It's impressive that you are so free about this. Most people cannot talk freely about sex even when they reach their forties, but here you are doing it as a part-time job,  buying… equipment without feeling ashamed and sending videos to your movie director. That's- pretty brave.”

“Sex- I think calling it sex is oversimplifying it unnecessarily. It's way more than just sex, it's connected to your self-esteem, to your image of yourself, your pleasure and sometimes your pain tolerance, your personal boundaries and the ability to show yourself in your most vulnerable state, stripping down everything. Not only clothes. You show someone something intimate without having the safe space of a relationship, it's- impressive. The video, you would've found it if you wanted to, so it wasn't much. The equipment- it's for my partners to get everything they enjoy and that I enjoy doing to them.” It was a lot of intimate talk, so he gestured towards the cake before taking another piece. “I got two forks to share if you like. It's delicious.”

The brown-haired man in front of him was watching him intently, not paying too much attention to the chocolate cake he was pointing at. Instead the director's brown eyes travelled over his face in that strangely observant way while he rubbed over his suit pants-clad thighs.

“You are right. It sounds like a lot more than sex, a little bit scary even with how much your partners have to trust you. I'm no expert of course, but there has to be something about you that makes them willing to give up control for you.” Swallowing, Mr. Chae took a sip of his coffee and finally grabbed the second fork. Frowning at the cake, he chopped a chunk off it and placed it into his huge mouth. Huge was an understatement.

“I take care of it. Of the control. It's a lot of responsibility but I'm okay with it, they give me control and I give them breathtaking pleasure in return.” Hoseok watched how the other man tried to finish the huge piece of cake, wondering how humongous his mouth must be to take it like that. “Wow, your mouth, you can fit a lot of stuff in there.”

Suddenly the other man looked up, gaze intense, tongue licking chocolate from his lips. His right hand held the fork above the plate, frozen in place.

“Indeed,” the director replied, voice low, and Hoseok could see how the corner of his plump mouth lifted slightly in what resembled a grin.

_What was that?_

Hoseok didn't know for sure but his skin started tingling and getting warm. He didn't elaborate further and grinned back before taking a sip of his cappuccino and licking the foam from his lips to prevent bad plot lines, as the director liked to call them.

“What… do you do if you happen to meet one of your… ’baby boys’ in public, Hoseok?” Mr. Chae asked next and inserted the last piece of cake into his mouth. It seemed like he had purposefully waited for Hoseok to have some, so he was able to place the rest of it into his mouth at once.

“What happens? Sometimes it gets a little awkward, but not because of the things we did. It's more- the things they say while- yeah. To be honest, meeting one of my ‘baby boys’’ resulted in me meeting you. I took the order because I didn't want to spend 20 minutes explaining to this gorgeous boy how to do delivery while thinking about how he felt from the inside or what he said when I… I mean, it's a little weird because the way I behave is different and the way he behaves too, it's like meeting a stranger but a stranger who showed me something very very intimate before.”

“That's a little difficult to grasp for me I must admit,” was the quiet reply and the way the director avoided his gaze a little told him that there must have been blush on his face. “It's like you share a secret with them, satisfying something they want from you without telling anybody. It's a safe place somehow. Do you- think about them a lot afterwards? You mentioned… thinking about how they feel from the inside and the- begging I assume.” Suddenly the brown-haired man grabbed his coffee and took a large gulp, as if he wanted to wash his throat after his words.

_He looks really good when he blushes._

“I know, most people don't understand. I'm trying my best to provide a safe place. Regarding my memories, each person has something unique to them, sometimes it's the way they- sound, or how they tremble, how their muscles flex under my fingers or the look in their eyes. There are times I think about how their lips look, parted or… it's always something different, and I do think about it but not all the time. I have to study and now I have to film a movie too. The person from the video had similar lips. Not as plump but still there is some overlap,” Hoseok murmured absentmindedly while staring at the directors lips for no apparent reason. He rested his chin on his palm as he watched the other man's face intently. He really liked the pink shadow on his cheeks.

“Uh-huh,” was the simple and low reply as the brown-haired man focused on the content of his cup instead of Hoseok’s face. He was playing with his lips, beginning by sucking them into his mouth and inhaling sharply until he released them. They formed a pout while the director kept chewing on his cheek, in thought but still listening to him. The blush only increased the more time passed, colouring his face and his ears.

“Sorry, too much information probably. Anyway, I'm giving my best to be a safe place and it's been working pretty well so far.” He couldn't help tracking the way the blush spread over the director’s face, sucking in the sight. He loved it. The other man looked gorgeous, like a blooming cherry blossom.

_Oh god, here it goes. You're weak._

“No, it's- it's fine. You can share whatever you want. It's just that I might not have very much to say to that. It's not a scene or a shot, so I'm pretty helpless.” The older man chuckled suddenly and emptied the rest of his coffee, shuddering at the taste. “I'm wondering how you live like two split parts of yourself. How you keep them apart when you meet a person that has seen you differently. Would you- be able to keep the distance if a person invaded both realms?”

“Sure. It’s happened before, it's fine. The- the thing with getting close is that it's planned and it's usually a one time thing even though there are a few who I filmed two or more videos with because the chemistry was especially nice. Meeting outside, we both know that the way we showed ourselves was an intimate one so we respect that. I haven't had problems with it. Not yet.” He downed his coffee and asked himself whether a conversation like this was okay, especially with someone who he worked with. The other man didn't seem to understand that he had sent the video to give a glimpse of what he wouldn't be able to see on set. It made him feel at ease that the director had seen a bit of the other side of him.

“Hoseok, but- you did run away from the delivery boy. So it can't be that easy to keep the distance,” the brown-haired man murmured and pulled at one of the strands that had fallen out of his carefully styled bangs. His lips were still moving constantly, pressing together, then pouting, then he pulled at the bottom one with his fingers.

_Can't he stop?_

“I did, because it's not always easy. Sometimes there are situations when it's more difficult. But taking all of it into consideration, it's not a big problem. But- why do you want to know? Does it seem unreasonable to you?” he asked, watching the director’s lips like a movie.

Big eyes met his in a rough motion and he could hear the gasp that left the older man's lips. His question must have been unexpected.

“No, it's- I guess it's something I'm not really familiar with and it's part of you and- I like to understand the actors I'm working with to give them the best surroundings to do their art. There is so much innocence and tension in you on set, but all of-” Mr. Chae bit his lips and gestured towards him with his head, “the finer parts of your personality remain hidden. When you acted as Benjamin who fell in love with an older woman, there was so much innocence and insecurity to it. It was perfect, but I'm wondering about the erotic scenes we'll film next week.”

_He thinks that you won't be able to do it._

“You think I won't be able to show innocence?” he asked and leaned closer. “Or what is it that you want me to show?” He felt as if the director doubted whether he was suitable for the role. Hoseok couldn't blame him. He was doubting it too.

“You misunderstood. It's not… innocence that I want to see. Not in the scene that we are filming next week. It's more advanced in the movie and therefore less- restrained. I'm worried because Marlene is a woman and acting consists of genuine reactions to something unreal.” The other man looked up at him again. There was still blush on his cheeks, but his expression was stern.

“I'll use my imagination. Just like I did when you told me to undress in the middle of the set,” Hoseok replied and stared, placing his head on his arms that he crossed on the table.

“What did you imagine? If I may ask.”

_Don't tell him._

“Would be boring if I told you, don't you think?” He licked over his lips and watched the blush that still lingered on the director’s golden skin.

“You're probably right,” the older man replied and laughed wholeheartedly, lips becoming thin and cheeks lifting up, crinkling his big eyes. “I like professional secrets.”

Uncrossing his legs, Mr. Chae grabbed his bag from the chair and turned towards Hoseok, still smiling.

“Next time I will be the one to invite you. Thank you for enjoying a coffee with me even though it's not part of your job description.” The tall man stood up and brushed over the fabric of his suit pants with his long fingers. Once he was ready to leave, his brown eyes lingered on Hoseok’s face once more. “I will be very honest with you and tell you one thing, Hoseok. The video you showed me was impressive, it incorporated a confidence that most actors never achieve, be it with or without mask. You impressed me.”

The last sentence shocked him so much that he looked up with his mouth parted until he finally caught himself and swallowed.

“Thank you for saying that. It feels like a real compliment, Mr. Chae,” he murmured and licked over his lips, unsure what else to say.

“You can say ‘Hyungwon’,” the brown-haired man remarked with a rather shy smile. “When we meet by chance like this,” he added and left the cafe with a small wave.

_Hyungwon, huh?_

It felt meaningful. It really did.

 

***

_You're crazy._

It was common to hear other people call him crazy, be it Kihyun, the casting team or his own family. There were lots of things that others considered crazy, but rarely any that he did. Until now.

To his utter shame, Hyungwon had not only rewatched the video Hoseok had sent him several times, but he had also gone all the way to that godforsaken shop next to the red-haired boy's apartment and bought the same prostate vibrator that he had advertised so extensively when they had met about a month ago.

Nothing in the world would have convinced Hyungwon to buy something for his own pleasure before, but apparently the recommendation of an attractive nineteen-year-old with a mask was enough.

_You asked him way too many personal questions._

He had been curious. Hoseok seemed to live a double life, one that was difficult to sustain once the two sides collided, but apparently it wasn't as bad as Hyungwon had imagined. It seemed like the video was indeed a sacred place, thirty minutes that existed outside of the time-space continuum and wasn't allowed to be judged by the usual criteria. The sex, the affection and the kisses made him react, but the way the red-haired boy had explained it made it okay somehow, natural.

_You still feel bad though._

Sighing, he tried to remind himself that Hoseok was still an actor of his, somebody he worked with, but talking to the young man in private and having him on set were two utterly different things that Hyungwon hadn't been able to reconcile yet. He also didn't want to. His friendship with the assistant director was also separate, something he kept as far away from the set as he was able too, even when Kihyun didn't let him.

It was important. There had to be work and then there was everything else. Everything else tended to be nothing, but Hyungwon was capable of making exceptions for the few times that his social life was occupied by another person instead of his own thoughts. It was pleasant and Hoseok hadn't run away as fast as he was able to, weirded out by his shitty interaction skills.

_Sure, you talked about his videos and him fucking other men while wearing a mask. That's not a very common conversation topic._

Maybe his main actor was also not really capable of talking about decent things when somebody knew his secret. Hyungwon had also always talked about his scripts with people that knew about them. It was understandable.

He placed the bag that he used to carry the sex toy on his bed and stared at it for a full ten minutes until he finally convinced himself to unpack it and rip the paper into tiny little shreds. It was therapeutic and helped him to deal with the fact that he was acting unlike himself, suddenly in need of acting on personal desires and self-gratification.

_Because Lee Hoseok is good at it for some reason, despite being in the end stage of teenagehood._

Groaning, he massaged his temples and turned on his laptop. There wasn't any schedule to prepare because he had already done it before buying the vibrator, out of sheer panic and desperation to convince himself otherwise. It obviously hadn't worked and he didn't really regret it, not even when he held it in his hand and turned it on for fun. He didn't need more than his own two eyes to be able to tell that it was going to be all kinds of amazing.

Unfortunately he was a rather conservative person at heart and still needed some convincing and a double pair of curtains to feel at ease. The safe place the red-haired man had talked about resembled a utopian ideal for him, something dreamed up that didn't exist for individuals like him.

_How do you know if it's like that in every video? You only watched one._

Chewing on his lips, he contemplated how good a reason that was to watch another video, a different one.

_You would also see if he's always that confident on those videos. He could have chosen his favourite performance like actors do in audition videos._

His self-convincing was going pretty well and he hadn't even used a bad script for it. It was going from one present argument to the next. Hyungwon didn't even need to pull them out of his ass, not really at least.

He was mostly ready to explore what the red mask that appeared in his dreams and forced him to buy a sex toy, had in store for him. His fingers were trembling a little as he searched for the right community that he had to join to have access to all the videos through a subscription. Hyungwon had not even once paid money for gay porn in his life, but it didn't really qualify as gay porn yet. It was way too perfect and realistic to be porn.

His heart was beating fast when he clicked on an email link to verify his account and unlock his payment. His username was just a collection of numbers that only carried meaning for him and the VPN was turned on as well. Hyungwon was a little paranoid about his privacy and preferences.

The number of videos caught him off guard and woke his curiosity as to when exactly Hoseok had begun shooting them. There were a multitude of different boys, most of them slimmer than the red-haired man. The previews all had something in common, namely that the red-haired man only appeared wearing a red silk mask and his partners always wore a black mask that hid their features besides lips and eyes.

There were a few keywords for each video, but Hyungwon felt calmer without reading them, so he didn't. It was always disconcerting to learn about oneself by clicking because of particular kinks. He was pretty self aware, but he had a tendency to dwell in his own thoughts and memories. It was better when there was nothing to wallow in on the inside.

Swallowing nervously, he picked the first video, already feeling his body respond to the mere knowledge of what was about to come. The dreams that plagued him over the past few weeks only made it worse. It was always the same, a red mask, kisses, a tongue, touches. He woke up soaked like a teenager and hated everything a little bit. Enough to buy a toy to solve his problems constructively.

There was again a black screen and steps, similar to the first video that he had seen. As soon as the room was covered in reddish light, he could see Hoseok, this time sitting on the bed and dressed in ripped jeans only. After a few seconds another person appeared in the picture, slowly crawling towards the red-haired man. The other man was long and slim, body on display as he was completely naked. Stopping between Hoseok's legs, the other man opened the ripped jeans and took Hoseok's erection into his mouth.

Hyungwon's body reacted instantly at the sight, burning up and forcing him to spread his legs to accommodate his erection better. It was embarrassing to watch the man acting in his movie fuck another man, but Hoseok seemed like a different person once he wore a mask.

_Maybe his baby boys are different people too once they put on a mask. Maybe that is what turns the experience into a safe haven._

The way the red-haired man moaned was gorgeous. His pale fingers settled in the black hair and pulled, forcing sounds out of his partner. After some time, Hoseok had bent the slim man over the edge of the bed and had his tongue inside his body while the other man's slim arms were tied behind his back. Hyungwon couldn't help but recognize similarities between him and the men Hoseok slept with. They were all slim and about half his body mass. Some of them had plump lips, but the most defining feature was that they loved to be dominated, a lot.

Hoseok  was different. So different from the way he acted on set,  it was like day and night that never met. After another ten minutes, the red-haired man was taking his baby boy while standing, muscles flexing and forcing screams and other obvious sounds of pleasure from the boy’s throat. It was intense and Hyungwon was surprised by the sound of his own breaths, ragged and much quicker than usual. He found himself playing with the thought of pleasuring himself, with or without the new toy.

_It's not really him, it's a different side of him, one that he doesn't show._

 His memory begged to differ as it conjured the image of Hoseok with the gorgeous bookmark in front of his eyes. The red-haired man had used it like a mask, gaze darkening and intensifying in a matter of seconds. Hyungwon's dick twitched and he was glad that nobody was able to see or hear him. Hotels were mostly private and the blinds did their job.

In the end the black-haired boy begged Hoseok to be fucked on all fours and they landed on the carpet. Hyungwon could see them from the side, how Hoseok's huge erection disappeared in the other man's slim body, how Hoseok pulled the black hair roughly, sinking his teeth into the boy’s neck, how the slim body under him tensed and the man in the black mask came without being touched.

He hadn't even realized that his right hand slipped between his legs in the meantime, travelling along the length of his covered erection and reminding him how turned on he was. His face was burning and each moan and sound of pleasure only sent another wave of arousal downwards. He was barely able to take it and unbuttoned his suit pants, opened the zipper and pulled his underwear down to give himself some space. His breaths were loud in the hotel room, breathy and so much unlike him.

It was obvious which of the two individuals on the screen he identified with.

Hoseok kept slamming his hips into the boy, playing with his sensitivity and catching his moans with his lips by leaning down, whispering into his ear and biting his neck. After some time the gorgeous red-haired man buried himself deep inside the delicate body and let out a gorgeous, low groan before propping himself up on both arms and kissing along the boy's spine. It was sexy, but also so damn attractive. Hyungwon could imagine the motions and sensations so well, the way kisses littered his spine and teeth marks covered his shoulders and thighs. His head was dizzy and he felt close, so he replayed the last few minutes to imagine himself in the boy's position, to focus on the way his groin burned with pleasure. It must have been so freeing to be close without any implications.

_A safe haven without repercussions._

When he finally released himself into his hand he was barely able to catch his breath. His chest rose and fell quickly and his fingers trembled from the aftermath of the scenes on screen and his own imagination. It was wrong in a way, after all it was an actor, somebody who worked with him and Hyungwon never let himself go. He hated it.

But at the same time he was also someone else, a man with a mask.

His eyes opened after a few seconds and focused on the screen again. It was dark, but Hoseok's broad frame came closer to the camera, effortless movements accompanied by his dark gaze. As soon as the other man reached the device, he looked right into the lens and winked while licking over his lips, just before the screen turned black.

Hyungwon felt like a protagonist, but somehow he didn't mind in this case.

_

The set was the way he expected it to be, a little chaotic with everybody communicating everything they did and somebody constantly asking him about parts of the script, light arrangements or whether he wanted the actors to be oiled for the intimate scene or not.

Hyungwon had been worried that his recent fascination with Hoseok’s masked personality would make it difficult to be next to the red-haired man without harbouring inappropriate thoughts, but it wasn't at all. It didn't feel like the masked man he watched was the boy that stood in front of his camera lens, talking to the actress next to him in only his underwear and making jokes to relax the tense atmosphere. The two were independent entities and Hyungwon struggled to combine them into one, especially with the innocent smiles that Hoseok was blessing Marlene with. There was nothing mature and intense about it, but they were going to get there.

Erotic scenes were always the most difficult as everybody tensed up and struggled to show genuine affection. He would have loved to film the scene later, but they were already behind schedule and movies never filmed scenes chronologically, they filmed whatever fit the venue and the amount of people they needed. He had Hoseok and Marlene, so he was going to film as many scenes with the two of them as he was able to. The scene in which they lay in bed next to each other and Hoseok caressed her before kissing intimately, happened to be the next one.

 Marlene was in good condition and Hyungwon was pretty sure that she hadn’t eaten yet to keep her body slim and stomach flat for the shoot. It hadn't been necessary, but he knew that she wanted to look desirable on camera, especially since the scene was focused on her at first.

Hyungwon had spent the morning instructing the camera team and explaining to Hoseok what exactly he wanted him to show. It was yearning, unquenchable desire that he hadn't acted on yet, not fully. It was also the desire to focus on the body of another instead of remembering elements from his past that were going to pop up later in the scene. His main concern was whether Hoseok’s imagination was good enough to seem like he was attracted to an older woman that was unknown to him. Marlene looked similarly concerned, but for different reasons.

_She probably wants to end this as quickly as possible._

“Please get undressed,” he requested and sat down behind the main cam, examining the way the light fell on the woman's body as she removed her bra and panties and lay down on the provided bed. The make-up team immediately came running and adjusted a few highlights on her collarbones and shoulders to make the light seem more natural and her skin brighter. There was something ethereal to it, the way a beloved person could look. Both of them had already spent hours getting ready, having imperfections covered up and skin tone corrected, but the light made everything look a little different. He really liked the outcome.

Hyungwon smiled a little and turned his attention towards the red-haired man, hoping that his composure wasn't going to be broken because of seeing Hoseok undressed. The young man smiled shyly and got rid of his underwear without any hesitation and looked in his direction, waiting for further instructions.

It wasn't as bad as he had imagined. Hoseok was indeed different without a mask, even when he was undressed. Smiling briefly for reassurance since the actor looked nervous, he gestured towards the prepared bed with pearl white sheets. They were going to reflect the bluish light perfectly. Hyungwon had the idea a few days ago after recommending the mix of blue and red to the red-haired boy.

“Please lie down as in the script, you can say your lines later on top since your face won't be visible while you say them. We start with a wide shot, so please entangle your legs and kiss in a way you find natural.”

The lying down looked a little awkward, also the shy smile that Hoseok gifted Marlene, before entangling their legs and waiting for the start of filming, but as soon as he gave the sign and the camera rolled, Hoseok transformed into a different person, looking at the woman with his dark intense gaze and leaning in to kiss her sensually. He started with her neck and went higher, until the curved lips touched Marlene's mouth and moved over it naturally.

_He transforms, but how? It is still a woman that he is kissing._

It was exactly the way he had imagined it, dark and desperate to taste the beautiful woman's lips. Still, they would have to film it again, Marlene had been too surprised by the switch, jerking subconsciously.

He yelled ‘cut’, but didn't point out the blonde woman's mistake. She knew it very well herself and he didn't want to make her unnecessarily uncomfortable.

“Now you know what to expect, so let's do it again.” He got closer to the monitor to observe the way it slowly moved closer to the bed. They were probably going to cut it before the kiss and do a close up, but better have more material than none at all. “Rolling.”

Again Hoseok closed his eyes and moved his red, curved lips against the actresses’ neck, her jaw and finally lips. His eyes opened as soon as he leaned back between the kisses. Hoseok's gaze was dark and he almost looked as if he wasn't acting,  as if it was his authentic response to the naked woman next to him. There was something extraordinarily aesthetic in the way his pale thighs brushed against hers and how his muscles flexed to create sensual motions in his upper body, tasting Marlene’s lips as if it was the most desirable thing for him.

_Impressive, more than impressive._

“Cut,” he yelled and watched the instant transformation of Hoseok’s features. He couldn't tell whether the red-haired man was satisfied with his performance. There was something insecure that almost immediately returned to him once they stopped filming.

_What is he thinking to overcompensate so well?_

He looked around at the rest of the crew who were equally fascinated by what they had seen. Marlene was blinking and staring at Hoseok. The surprise was understandable. After all, the previous scenes had been innocent, insecure and more like the person in front of them.

_But you knew, you knew there was something. That's why you cast him._

Hyungwon hadn't known the degree though, the extent to which he found himself awed by what was happening in front of him. He wanted to see how it would differ with a mask, he wanted to know what was going on inside the red-haired man's mind, how he managed to transform himself to that degree.

_You'll never know._

It was still acting, he knew that because it wasn't the same. But he really wanted to see what it would be like if it wasn't, if Hoseok showed his real self in front of the camera, unprotected and vulnerable.

***

Acting with women hadn't been a problem before, not in Hamlet and not in Macbeth. He also had no problems with Romeo and Juliet, because his imagination was better than any script. Just like he had imagined undressing for the director back then (minus the part about pushing him against the wall), he exchanged the image of the pale woman next to him with golden skin. His image of choice ended up being a combination of the last person he slept with and the director's face. It was easy, he knew the body and he knew those plump lips, how the blush spread on the pretty cheeks when he talked about sex. He imagined it all and it was easy, so easy. When there was a sign to increase the intensity, he let his hands travel over the smooth thigh, lips tasting the plump mouth with more vigor. It was acting. He didn't want to kiss or to touch, but if he had to, it had to be perfect.

_Would be easier if you wore a mask, but then you still don't have any chemistry, so it wouldn't be the same._

He kept the thoughts away and gave his best to give the director what he wanted to see. As soon as he heard the familiar ‘cut’ he leaned back and smiled shyly, hoping that Marlene wasn't uncomfortable.

“Holy shit,” the blonde woman muttered as her blue eyes focused on him. “You lied when you said you hadn’t acted before. You probably grew up in an acting barn somewhere in the Austrian mountains, forced to recite lines.” She chuckled and remained lying in his arms, probably waiting for the director to tell them if it was good enough yet.

“No- nonono, I- I just didn't want to force you through hours of this, like the last time, only because I'm not experienced enough, so I tried to spare you. Also, I’m from Vienna.” Hoseok chuckled and glanced into the blue eyes, before the lips caught his attention, red and swollen from kissing.

_You went all out, didn't you?_

“Well, it's not the first time I've been naked on a bed while random nerdy guys with cameras ogled me,” the actress pointed out and shrugged. Her right hand reached for the blanket that she threw over them. “It's cold when they don't put the lights on us. Does he look satisfied? I can't see from here.”

A glance to the side revealed that the director was checking the footage, chewing on his cheek and puckering up his lips as he did so.

“I can't tell. He looks like a dissatisfied stone most of the time.” He laughed with his mouth open and leaned back against the soft pillow. “But it's quite comfortable I have to say. I could fall asleep.”

Marlene laughed and slapped his arm, hissing a playful ‘don't you dare’ at him. “They'll think I'm no fun if you just fall asleep with me naked next to you.” The hand remained on his shoulder and squeezed. “I still can't believe you're nineteen, Hoseok. You seem like it now, but once you act, wow. I think the director made a good choice to cast you last minute, I mean it. Even though I'm not sure you're actually looking at me, but I'll let that slide.” She winked and tried to look at the director again.

“It looks good. I only want a shot of Benjamin’s hand moving along Marie's shoulders to her waist and hip. Are you two ready?” the director's voice interrupted their conversation.

“Always,” he murmured and lifted from the pillow, throwing the blanket to the side and placing his hand on the woman's pale shoulder. “Ready?” he asked the woman, smiling shyly and waiting for the camera to roll.

A random crew member ran over to them quickly to arrange the blanket the same way it had been before, partially covering their legs even though they were filming a close up.

Marlene nodded once the guy ran away again and loosened her shoulders, a smile playing around the corners of her lips while she looked at him with adoration.

“Rolling.”

A sharp inhale and he focused his gaze on his hand, letting it slide over the woman's body, feeling how warm it was under his fingertips. Travelling over the curve of Marlene’s waist, he brushed his thumb over it in the same way he would've done with one of his partners and let his fingers dance over her hip bone.

“Cut, and now do it with your eyes closed,” was the instant comment once his hand paused. “Go with the flow of your hand instead of watching it, I'll do the watching.”

_Uh-huh._

Swallowing, he nodded and waited for the sign before closing his eyes and imagining a golden body, slim and hot under his fingers. He felt instead of watching, integrating his memories in his imagination and the hotness of the skin under his fingertips. He almost lost track as the stern voice disturbed his mental images by saying ‘cut’. His eyes opened and he looked to the side, smiling once again.

“I'm pretty sure that's a wrap,” the director announced and the whole studio collectively released a breath they had been holding. Loud noise returned as everyone began to disassemble the props and move the cameras. Just when he wanted to stand up, Marlene grabbed his arm and leaned in, speaking quietly.

“Whoever it is you're imagining, I really hope they know what they're missing,” she whispered and winked once before standing up and wrapping a bathrobe around her naked body.

“You are really beautiful,” he said with a very genuine smile and he meant every word. The actress was gorgeous and only an idiot would've said otherwise. “I will try to learn from you,” he whispered and grabbed his underwear, preparing to hurry off to his classes he was running late for.

_

 The past few days were stressful, even though he didn't have to film for Mr. Chae’s film. The coursework was piling up and there were a few emails related to his masked videos he hadn’t looked at yet.

_Because you were sad that you weren't able to film even though you had enough messages from boys wanting to play._

There was an email with a new subscription and the views on his videos increased, even though it had been one subscriber who clicked on a lot of them. Sometimes multiple times.

_The person must like them._

A smile spread his cheeks as he clicked on the next email. It was from the agency, they were getting more professional and requested an introductory video of 3-5 minutes where he showed his body and some features. Mostly it was undressing with close ups on his face and body parts. There was an example video attached.

_Damn it, you'll never be able to film it alone._

He could've asked Minhyuk, but his best friend was more of a disturbance, commenting and trying to make him do things they didn't agree on.

_But now you only have three days because you were too busy to look at the emails. Damn it._

He had no idea how he was going to do it. He needed someone who would film him, emphasizing what he wanted to show without making it cheap.

_The director could._

Oh god. He reached for his face and squeezed it with both palms, ridiculous thought not leaving his head no matter how much he tried to distract himself.

_Because he would make it perfect._

But he could ask, couldn't he? The other man could say if he didn't want to.

_He did compliment you on your video, so maybe you could finally show him what you can do if the camera is yours._

Grabbing his phone, he dialled the director’s number and waited for the other man to pick up. He could've been in the middle of filming, but then Mr. Chae would call back. It was  better than nothing.

“Is something the matter, Hoseok?” the low voice spoke into his ear instead of an introduction. There was background noise which meant he was most likely on set.

_It's a terrible idea._

“Not really, do you have a minute, or are you under time pressure?” he asked instead, hating himself for even thinking about asking the director to film his introductory video. It was like asking Picasso to draw him as a stick figure.

There was a chuckle before the background noises faded out and he heard a door closing.

“I'm always under time pressure, but I still have a minute to spare. Is there a problem with the schedule because of your studies?”

“Uhm, yeah, could we move the next filming a bit so I have time to finish my coursework?”

_Smooth, Hoseok, smooth._

“By how much?” the director asked and Hoseok heard him clicking on a mouse, probably to check out the schedule.

“By two days. I need to film an introduction for my channel too, but I'm alone and I will have to act as an actor and director and film 300 times until I'll get a proper result, so yeah, I think I'd need at least two days and I have to deliver in three.” He was hopeless, but at least he could buy time.

“Two days?” Mr. Chae repeated and the way he said the words didn't sound too good. There was no way the older man was going to delay filming for that long. “How many scenes does your introductory video have that it requires two whole days to be filmed? Are there different locations?”

_Have fun explaining._

“It’s- no, there is one location, but I need different camera angles to capture my body the way I want to, so I have to film and then monitor, adjust and then change the angle and then- yeah, imagine not only directing ‘The Bone Flute’ but also acting in it. That would be the same. Only naked, wearing a mask, having only one semi professional camera filming in one location.” He sighed and brushed his bangs back. “Anyway, I need a lot of time for this I figured and there’s no way I can shift it because the new page goes online in three days and I haven’t looked at my emails for four days, which is my fault, but I was busy. My point is I need two more days or a director.”

_You said it, you crazy bastard._

“You- need a director,” the older man repeated matter of factly and he could hear a little bit of shifting on the other end of the line. It seemed like Mr. Chae didn't really know where to put himself in his own office. “You said your videos are real, so why would you need to act for your introduction? Didn't you say that you sell reality?”

_That’s why you shouldn’t have called._

“No. I need time and I see it’s a problem, so I have to get to work right now. Have a nice day,” he murmured and hung up.

_Why? Why did you call him, Hoseok? Just leave it like it is, your own thing. You don’t need to involve anyone._

Sighing, he watched the example video and gave up on delivering anything similar. Once he finished watching the video a second time, his phone began vibrating on his table, slowly travelling towards the edge. It was the director.

_Damn it._

He thought of not picking up for a split second, but got angry at himself for being embarrassed and still did.

“Yes.” He closed his eyes and tried to calm down his nerves.

“I'll do it,” was the simply reply, voice low and stern the way he knew it from filming.

_He’ll do- what?_

“You’ll give me two more days?” he asked hesitantly.

“No, I'll give you one and direct your introductory video.” He could hear the older man exhale slowly and tap an irregular pattern on his desk. “One day will be enough for that, won't it?”

_He- oh god._

Hoseok didn’t really think that the other man would agree to direct his introductory video for an adult gay site, but life had a lot of surprises for him recently.

“You- really? If you help me it will be enough. I already have a picture, I just need someone who sees what I need to show and focuses the cam where it’s best. When are you free?” God, he was shameless, but he couldn’t decline an opportunity like this.

“You have to consider that I'm not just a cameraman, Hoseok, I'm a director. I express, I don't only film. We'll have to agree on the concept, so that both of us like the outcome.” There was a brief sigh and the sound of liquid passing lips. “I propose tomorrow to make sure we finish on time and you have some time to edit.”

_How could you forget? But it might turn out even better if he puts something of himself into the work._

“It would be an honor,” he murmured, feeling the need to apologize, but he suppressed it successfully. “Let’s meet at my place then. Just tell me the time, so I can prepare.”

“Let's meet at ten in the morning. Send me a text with your address.” There were a few seconds of silence as the director clicked a few times and typed something. “See you tomorrow, Hoseok,” the low voice murmured before the director hung up.

_This will be a challenge._


	6. 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I like the way your face looks when you blush.” Smiling brightly, Hoseok sat down across from him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 15th of April at 2 PM CET.  
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Hyungwon massaged his temples as he borrowed two portable lights from the set and picked out filters that he considered perfect for what the red-haired man wanted him to emphasise and show.

_His body._

This was rather far away from his usual topics even if erotic scenes have always been part of his films. Closeness and affection were part of reality, so he showed them, as unrestrained and raw as possible. What he was going to direct and film today was probably the realest bit of erotica he had ever done.

_In addition to it being a man. Usually it has always been women._

It had always been easier to film women and focus on the beauty of the shot instead of on the person that was lying naked in front of his camera. He hoped that it would be the same today, when he filmed Hoseok for his introductory video.

He had asked Kihyun to take over for the day and changed the schedule to film simpler scenes that he knew his assistant director was particularly good at. He felt a little bad for not giving a proper excuse for his absence but he didn't want to lie.

Once he packed the lights, three cams, two light reflectors and a little bit of makeup into his miniature filming bag, he felt like he was back in college, filming his small projects. It conjured a smile on his face at the memories of running after buses because he needed a shot of that damn bus and it was a Sunday and he didn't want to wait another hour for it to come around the corner again.

It was easy to find Hoseok’s apartment, after all he had stood in front of it once and visited the sex shop next to it twice. The first time he hadn’t bought anything and merely felt uncomfortable.

The taxi stopped right in front of the familiar apartment building and for a brief moment he wondered why there was only the name ‘Lee’ on the bell if Hoseok lived with a friend.

_Hopefully that friend isn't around._

Hyungwon really hated people on set that he didn't know about. Sighing once more, he rang the bell and wondered how awkward it was going to be to see Hoseok in a mask after watching him like that during the past few days. There wasn't a video left that he hadn't seen.

He was buzzed through and entered the building, immediately confronted with Hoseok’s red head that peeked down from the staircase. The other man’s eyes widened at the amount of equipment and he immediately ran down, taking all of it and curling his muscular arms around it.

“What is all this?” he asked, eyes wide and looking innocent, just like the first time they had met.

_Will it switch once he puts on his mask?_

“Equipment,” Hyungwon commented briefly and felt his muscles relax at the sudden lack of weight. He wouldn't have admitted it, but he was glad that the red-haired boy was so eager to carry everything. “We save time if we film from several angles at once.”

He made his way up the stairs after Hoseok and looked around. The house was old, probably survived world war two but was kept in pretty good repair. Hoseok kicked his door open and entered the bright apartment. The floor was made of old wood and the ceilings were high, decorated with stucco elements. The interior on the other hand, was modern. Probably IKEA.

“In here,” Hoseok called and entered a equally bright room with a big white bed, a white desk and a white wardrobe. The ceiling was equally white with a big red lamp hanging from it and the walls were red. Like the mask.

Hyungwon swallowed at the images in his head and pushed them away to focus on the light in the room. It was still bright, but he wanted to establish his own light unless the red-haired man wanted to have a less sensual and more bright introduction. They hadn't talked about it yet.

“Do you want it to be more natural and bright, or sensual and erotic?” he asked and walked over to the window to look outside. There was a really nice view of the street and the air seemed better too, seeping in through the tilted window.

“Sensual and erotic,” Hoseok replied without hesitation, as he put the equipment on the ivory-colored carpet carefully. “Usually I don’t have anyone who tells me what to do, I mean you know, you’ve seen a video. I hope that it won’t freak me out.” A shy smile passed over the other man’s handsome features as he rubbed over the fabric of his tight blue jeans. “I still can’t believe you agreed.”

_Neither can you._

“You’re the one who knows what is expected and what you want. I will merely work with the emotions and feelings you want to evoke. I assume arousal is one of those.” He closed the window and pulled down the blinds, covering them in darkness. Hoseok must have done the same when he filmed his videos, using the bright red light only. “Let's set up the light while you tell me what exactly you want.”

“Mhm. As I really suck at explaining, I thought- I thought I would show you once and you can determine how you want the shots and how to set up the lights. It doesn’t necessarily have to be arousal. Arousal is easy. Most of the- the partners I have, have an ambiguity in their desires. They are curious because of the mask, they don’t know what’s behind it, it seems dangerous somehow, but on the other hand they present themselves fully, without restrictions, deciding to ignore the feeling of danger and curiosity and to lose themselves in what I am going to show and do to them. That’s what I am working with,” the red-haired man replied before ruffling up his hair in a nervous gesture that was oh so familiar by now.

Hyungwon smiled because Hoseok had described emotions and impressions that were familiar to him. He had felt similarly when he watched the younger man's videos and had been captivated by the mask and the control he displayed.

His heartbeat sped up at the realization that Hoseok was most likely going to undress for him now, show him what he was going to present to his viewership.

_You need to figure out how to show it best. You thought about it before, now you can apply it._

“I think I know what you mean,” he whispered and turned on the red light. He wasn't quite satisfied with it, but he was watching for now, exploring what he had to film and how he wanted to do it. He fumbled in his filming bag for a few scene templates and a pen before sitting down on the floor with crossed legs and focusing his big eyes on Hoseok.

“Show me what you got.”

“I will act as if you’re the camera, I hope you don’t mind.” Another shy smile, before Hoseok took a white chair and placed it in the middle of the room, right across from him. He didn't wait for Hyungwon to reply and he liked it. It corresponded to the image Hyungwon wanted to show of the man in front of him.

Next, he reached for something in his drawer and pulled out the beautiful red mask that he had seen when they met coincidentally on the street. Hoseok hadn’t worn it in any of his videos yet. Practiced fingers put the mask against the pale face and tied the silk ribbon behind his head. As soon as Hoseok fixed it, his gaze met his eyes through the notches cut into the red silk.

Suddenly he became unusually aware of his own breaths and his wrist jerked at the sudden eye contact, almost dropping the pen. Still, Hyungwon kept himself in check and met the other man's eyes with his own focused gaze. It was probably easier for the red-haired man when there was somebody to focus on.

_But it's different because there is nobody but you to see it._

There were slow steps, sounding dull on the carpet, as Hoseok came closer to him, stopping half a meter in front of him. The black eyes stared holes into his own as the other man’s pale hands reached for the buttons of his white linen shirt, opening one after the other slowly. He didn’t know that fingers could move so sensually, walking from one button to the next and revealing more and more of Hoseok’s pale skin until the fabric hung loosely on his broad shoulders and he let it slip down with a fluid rolling motion of his shoulders, leaning into his personal space a little and smirking.

Hyungwon pulled his lips into his mouth to not make unnecessary noises and tightened his grip on the pen. He hadn't written anything yet and couldn't tell if time was passing or not. Hoseok’s hands were so unlike the hands of a usual man, smooth and delicate in one way and strong and determined in another. He had to show them up close, the way they travelled downwards. It was starting to get warm in the bedroom, but he doubted that it was the room’s fault.

Leaving the thin fabric to pool at his elbows, Hoseok unbuttoned his jeans and pulled down the zipper, before letting his hands travel over his naked chest, playing with a hard nipple and lips parting in a gasp. Travelling lower one could see how the other man’s abdominal muscles flexed at his own touch, head thrown back a little and revealing prominent veins and gorgeous collarbones. The shirt was thrown to the ground in a quick symmetrical movement and Hoseok traced the waistband of his pants before slipping one hand into his red underwear and hissing, eyes catching his gaze.

Hyungwon wasn't supposed to react, but he couldn't help it. His eyes widened involuntarily and his lips parted to allow him more oxygen at once. His thighs were trembling even though he was sitting in a cross-legged position and he tried to keep still by contracting his muscles and almost crushing the pen in his grip. His face felt hot, but the red light was hopefully sufficient to hide his embarrassing blush. He didn't say anything and followed Hoseok’s hand to his groin, seeing the way his jeans bulged out. Oh god.

Hoseok played, pulling his jeans down only a bit to reveal his vline and how his hipbone melted into his muscular thigh. Without any warning, the other man slid down his jeans and underwear, kicking them to the side and turned around. Walking to the chair, he presented his muscular backside, the broad back, lean legs, huge tattoo on his behind. Again there was no warning, as Hoseok turned around and sat down on the chair, letting his hands travel over his chest, playing with his nipples, hissing and travelling lower. The masked man ignored his prominent erection and stroked over his thighs, burying his fingers in the firm flesh before curling the delicate digits around his thick length. The gaze ate him as Hoseok moved his hand over his erection once and patted with his other on his thigh, as if inviting him to sit on his lap. A smirk, a short sensation of a tongue travelling over his bottom lip, a whisper, ‘cut’.

Hyungwon struggled to abandon the vivid image of standing up, crossing the few meters and sitting down on the red-haired man's thighs, to find out how hot they were against his own skin and how firm Hoseok’s erection would be in his big palm. He bit down on his bottom lip, enough to hurt and blinked a few times to snap the fuck out of it.

_He knows exactly what he's doing and how to reach his goal._

There was no doubt that not a single gay man would have been able to resist the red-haired devil with a mask, sitting on the chair with a rock hard dick and patting his own thigh in invitation.

His body was burning and he was painfully hard, erection straining against the fabric of his suit pants and reminding him why most men enjoyed wearing track pants. He swallowed again and dared to meet Hoseok’s gaze. There was nothing he could have said, not while the young man was still naked and hard on that chair.

The black eyes travelled over his body. At least that’s how it looked, before the muscular man lifted from the chair and sat on the bed, throwing a white blanket over his groin and leaning back on his muscular arms.

“I guess- something like that.”

“Uh-huh,” Hyungwon muttered and was suddenly very grateful for the piece of paper on his lap. He hadn't written anything on it, but it was positioned perfectly to hide the way he felt. There was the genuine hope that his eyes didn't look like he was on drugs.

He turned around in a quick motion, lying down on his stomach on the floor and hating himself as he began scribbling on his scene sheet. There were quite a few ideas, but he already dreaded seeing the whole performance again and reacting in the same way if not worse. Damn, he had to calm down before arranging the lights. He really didn't want to run around with a boner and adjust cameras. He never had such problems while directing.

_You're also further away usually, watching it through a screen._

With the masked man in front of him, even the version through the screen made him react in the same way.

“You can lie on the bed, it’s more comfortable,” Hoseok commented, not bothering to take off his mask. “Did you like it?”

_Enough to want to sit on that stupid lap of his._

He hummed again and continued sketching Hoseok’s body from different angles, the close up on his hands opening the buttons, the gaze and smirk at the end, a close up for the hand that tapped his thigh. God, everybody was going to want to fuck the red-haired man when he was done with this video.

_Work is safe, focus on work._

“Can I do something good to you?” the low voice asked as Hoseok shifted on the bed. “Coffee?”

Hyungwon bit his lip again to suppress a snarky remark regarding the first question. There were a lot of nice things to do, but it wasn't his place to request them. He was there to direct instead of getting an erection and struggling to focus.

“Well- I'll just- I'll make a scene plan and then I'll put up the lights and the cams and then- then I guess we're good. I'm fine without coffee. It's- nice here.” He wanted to slap himself after the last sentence, since he was lying on the fucking ground to avoid running around with an erection. Suddenly he regretted not having a small dick.

“You must be weirded out. I can also leave for a bit if you would feel better working without me lying on the bed only wearing a mask. Just tell me.” Hoseok must be staring at him lying on the floor and babbling. The question was the height of embarrassment and he felt anger bubbling in his veins at his ridiculous behaviour.

_He's hard too, so fucking what?_

Hyungwon pursed his lips in distaste and jumped up from the ground in a smooth motion, rubbing over his thighs briefly to remove imaginary dirt.

“I apologise, I was merely being childish. It would be best if you'd stand where you did when taking off your clothes so I can adjust the light and cameras for that at first before we do the last bit on the chair,” he elaborated and brushed back his fringe. He hadn't styled it up and already regretted it. It was going to annoy him to no end while filming.

“I see. Naked? Or dressed?” Hoseok threw the blanket back and stood up, walking towards him slowly.

“Naked since that's the nice part,” Hyungwon replied and got to work by pulling the lights and the cameras out of his bag. He purposefully packed blue to combine it with the dark red. It was going to look gorgeous. “Just stand where you did just now, maybe a bit more symmetrical to the chair so the background looks good.”

“Yes, sir,” Hoseok commented and chuckled, examining his face while he stopped on the spot where he had undressed before. “I mean, Hyungwon.”

He froze at the mention of his first name, wondering why it disturbed him so much. After all, he had been the one to tell the red-haired man to call him by his first name. Maybe it was the fact that he was here to film, it was work related instead of a private meeting.

_But it's not work. You're doing him a favour, so it's fine, isn't it?_

It had to be, so Hyungwon smiled briefly by pulling one edge of his mouth upwards and focused on placing two blue lights around Hoseok. One was aimed at the front and the other more from the side. It created a beautiful effect with the red light, coloured shadows that gave the whole thing something mysterious. He was already getting really excited about the result.

“That's how I'm going to have the light for when you undress,” he explained and used one of the screens he brought to distribute the light better. It looked perfect.

“I love it,” Hoseok murmured and watched him intently throughout. The fact that he was still mostly hard remained at the back of his head as he set up the three cameras and positioned them accordingly, one for a full shot, another for Hoseok’s face and the last one for the delicate motions of his hand.

“I should be ready now,” he commented and rolled up the sleeves of his white shirt. The lights were pretty hot, so Hoseok was going to sweat if they didn't hurry up. “Ah, right. Do you want oil for reflections? I also wanted to emphasize your eyes a little.” He took out the small makeup kit and made sure he had everything he needed. The flask of oil was also there.

“I didn’t think about it because I usually sweat when I film due to the motions. Uhm- what would you suggest? Would you like it more if it reflected?” It was really intimidating how Hoseok kept watching him through the mask, it was very different from how the other man behaved when they were outside or even if he didn’t wear the red mask.

_It’s like you thought. The mask gives him something, but instead of hiding behind it he presents it all on a platter._

“It'll be good with a little bit of oil. It won't look like you've been sweating, but instead it can make your skin seem smoother. Like- a really nice scrub, that brown sugar stuff or whatever.” He arranged a bit of pale foundation, eye shadow, eyeliner and the oil on the bed and lifted his hands in the air. “Where can I wash my hands?”

“When you go out, next door on the right. I’ll trust you on the rest.” The pale hand gestured towards the door.

Hyungwon smiled brightly at the words and nodded before quickly making his way to the bathroom. It was spacious, more so than he expected and he was glad that his groin didn't look as attention-seeking anymore. He could be professional about this. Actors also got hard during sex scenes, such was the job.

After washing his hands quickly, he returned to the room and kneeled on the bed. He had a clear image of what he wanted to achieve and couldn't wait to see the end result. It was going to look mesmerising with the light, probably too good for its purpose.

_But you'll still see it, that's enough, isn't it? You're doing him a favour._

“Come here,” he murmured and applied a little bit of foundation on a brush. It was weird, but nothing happened for a few seconds as the red-haired man kept staring at him, before his lip corner lifted up in a smirk and he finally stepped closer. So close that there were only a maximum of ten centimeters between them. “Like this?”

“Y-yeah,” Hyungwon breathed out. He was no makeup artist and the closest he got to his actors was when he explained their scenes to them or how he imagined them to be positioned. He couldn't even remember the last time he did makeup, lighting and camera work himself. Luckily Hoseok had taken over the costume design.

Instead of focusing on the way the red-haired man was able to intimidate him in his mask, Hyungwon leaned in and applied a little bit of foundation under Hoseok’s eyes, under his nose and on his eyelids. He wanted to have neutral colour before applying the eyeshadow. Next he added a bit of contouring and highlights to Hoseok’s chest. He chewed on his cheek when his brush touched the younger man's nipple, emphasizing it a little. Red light removed contours and he wanted to return them. There was a hiss, right into his face.

“I’m sensitive,” Hoseok commented and resumed staring at him through the red mask.

“I'm sorry,” Hyungwon replied quietly but wasn’t able to resist another careful touch of his brush to the sensitive bud.

“You’re not,” Hoseok hissed again as a smile spread his cheeks. It was gorgeous but misplaced for the situation. He wasn't supposed to arouse the man in front of him with a damn brush.

Sucking his lips into his mouth to not make any noise, he continued drawing on Hoseok’s face and chest, adding a bit of contour to his arms and below his collarbones. He was really attractive and muscular, just the way he had looked on camera.

“This- should be enough,” he murmured and allowed himself a brief glance downwards. “I'll do the eye makeup now.”

“Feel free,” Hoseok's low voice replied and he could feel the hot air hit his skin.

He nodded carefully and grabbed the eyeshadow. His plan was to add a mixture of light orange and red to the gorgeous man’s lids. That way the dark gaze would gain depth on camera, especially with the mask covering it.

“Would you- take off the mask for a moment?” His heartbeat picked up again even though it was meaningless. He had seen Hoseok without the mask more often than with the mask, at least in person. There shouldn’t have been anything dramatic about it, but still he felt his face heat up and his body tremble.

_It’s because he seems in control of everything that is happening around him. It feels like he could refuse and there is nothing you could do._

“Why? I usually don't.” His voice was stern, as if Hyungwon had asked something ridiculous of him.

“I- I can’t put on the eyeshadow and eyeliner when you wear the mask. Your face is difficult to access,” he murmured and let his hand drop to his lap as his teeth settled on his bottom lip. It felt a little swollen from the constant abuse.

“It's difficult,” was the short reply, black eyes piercing through him.

“Okay,” he replied softly, voice barely a breath. “I will try it like this.”

He wondered whether it was because Hoseok was undressed, kneeling next to him on display and without anything to hide behind apart from the mask on his face. Hyungwon couldn’t understand, but he also couldn’t oppose the words. Nodding again, he applied a little bit of light orange to his brush and leaned in. His left hand wrapped around the younger man’s chin and held it in place as his brush moved past the mask towards Hoseok’s eyelids.

“Please close your eyes,” he whispered and felt all too aware of the warmth of Hoseok’s skin under his fingertips. They rarely touched.

The other man complied, closing his dark eyes and removing his intense gaze, giving him a few seconds to breathe.

He inhaled sharply and focused on not hurting Hoseok accidentally. The bright color looked beautiful with the mask and he smiled a little, still holding the red-haired man’s head in place. It felt strange to touch, like the person in front of him wasn’t the boy that acted in his movie anymore. It was someone else, a confident and dominant man that refused to take off his mask.

His heartbeat distracted him as he applied a darker red color, inhaling sharply at how breathtaking it was. The eyeliner was last.

“You- you need to open your eyes for the eyeliner so I can get it right at the bottom,” he murmured and slipped a little closer, accidentally making their knees touch.

The black orbs opened and caught his gaze.

“I like the sound of your breaths,” Hoseok's low voice replied. Hyungwon’s eyes widened at the comment and he felt his body move forward subconsciously, as if that was the right response instead of leaning as far back as possible.

“What do you like about them?” he asked quietly and opened the eyeliner, trying it out on his wrist once before he reached for Hoseok’s jaw again, holding the other man’s head still. His fingers felt like they were burning.

_This isn’t normal, is it? What are you doing instead of preparing him for filming?_

“I like that they whisper to me about how you must feel even when my eyes are closed.” Leaning forward, Hoseok let him apply the eyeliner.

Hyungwon’s lips pulled together at the answer, at the hidden meaning that the tone of voice added to the words. The implications were clear and only when he began to reflect on them, to think about the way his breaths sounded rough and his thighs pressed together, his reaction began to make sense. His hand was shaking a little from the realization.

_You’re aroused, only because he looked at you while sitting naked in front of you._

He held his breath and met the dark gaze for a few seconds, wondering what Hoseok was able to see on his face, before he returned his attention to the black line that he drew at the corner of the red-haired man’s eyes and above his eyelid. This was too much, too close and too intense for what he was actually here for.

_He’s nineteen, an actor of yours, Hyungwon. Watching his videos in private is okay, but what is this?_

“Don't worry. This is a safe space,” was Hoseok's low reply after observing him for a few more seconds.

He hummed, remembering the time when the younger man explained the significance of his part-time job to him. That it was much more than sex. Still holding his breath, he shifted to reduce the pressure on his groin and finished up the black line around Hoseok’s left eye.

“Do you- do you want to apply the oil yourself?” he asked carefully and lifted the flask, moving it from side to side to focus the red-haired man’s attention on it instead of on his face for a few seconds. It felt like he was caught when their eyes met, like there was nothing he could do apart from staring back.

“You can do it.”

Hyungwon almost whimpered in frustration at the words, chewing on his bottom lip without stopping and dripping some of the oil onto his left palm. Dipping his fingers into it, he reached out and tried to suppress the way his chest rose and fell, attempting to get enough oxygen for what he was about to do. It wasn’t supposed to be special, it was just oil on a bit of skin, but the way the younger man looked at him and the fact that he was naked made it so much worse.

His fingers reached out and touched a muscular shoulder, spreading the oil over it carefully while keeping his own body as still as possible. He didn’t want to react to touching the red-haired man, but he couldn’t help it. It was out of his control.

_Because he takes all of it with his sheer presence._

Hoseok was observing him throughout, hissing when he came close to sensitive spots and licking over his lips frequently until he was done and there was so much tension in the air that one could've cut it with a knife.

_This is too crazy, Hyungwon. It’s not what you came for._

“Let’s start,” he whispered and slowly lifted himself up from the bed, all too aware of the erection between his legs and the obvious color that arousal left on his cheeks.

He would have run away, left the bedroom and returned to his familiar routine of filming and solitude, but he had never left a project unfinished. It wasn’t only his own determination to finish the project, it was also that dark look in the other man’s eyes, following his every move.

_Even if you wanted to leave it wouldn’t let you go._

***

It had been a bad idea. Of course it had, but there were so many things that he learned during the hour that they got ready for filming. As soon as the mask covered his features there was only him and the person next to him. It didn't matter who the person was, the identity was secondary. The response was the most interesting, the important part, the fuel for the tension.

_He likes it._

It was obvious. He didn't need to look between the director’s legs to know that the other man was aroused beyond belief, his eyes told him everything he needed to know. The ragged breaths that sounded like music to his ears kept fuelling the tension between them, just like Hyungwon's hot fingertips that slid over his skin, applying oil for reasons he didn't care about. God knows he would've loved to pull the gorgeous man on his lap, to taste his pretty, plump lips and to tie his hands above his head, just to hear him whimper and beg to be touched.

_But he's here to direct your video._

He was, but thoughts were thoughts. Just like him holding his dick in his hand and patting his thigh was a reaction to Hyungwon's face. It was for him, he wanted the tall man to come and sit on his lap, to explore how Hoseok was able to make him feel. He didn't even know whether the director liked men, but his reaction told him that he definitely liked the way Hoseok presented himself.

_That's already something._

“Let's start,” the brown-haired man murmured and crawled down from the bed. He was thankful, any longer and he would have snapped. The video. He was there for a video.

“Yes,” he replied, “Perfect timing.” A grin spread his cheeks and he walked to his clothes, putting everything back on.

The brown-haired man was clearly unsure what he meant, but didn't dare ask as he checked the  cameras again and adjusted the blue backlight.

Clicking on the record button for all three cams, Hyungwon bit down on his lips and nodded at him before positioning himself behind the center one. The director was surprisingly quiet. It was okay, so he closed his eyes for a short moment, before focusing on the cam in the same way that he had focused on the director before, remembering his gaze, the unsure glimpse turning into a more obvious stare, the red lips that the other man abused with his teeth and how white his knuckles were when he held onto the pen. Hoseok loved it. He loved it so much.

Even now dark eyes were meeting his, staring at him instead of his face through the camera in front of him. There were minor adjustments, but mostly he could feel the permanent gaze. It was perfect, he wasn't acting, not at all, he was undressing for the brown-haired man, just like he had done before. His fingers worked with the same sensual movements and his body reacted in a similar way, goosebumps and arousal that were visible as soon as he got rid of his clothes and sat on the chair. He couldn't help it but there was more intensity to his movements, his reactions and the sounds he was making. Because it was real, the thick tension between them was real and it showed in his behaviour.

“W-wait,” Hyungwon stuttered and lifted a palm instead of saying ‘cut’ as he usually would have. Focusing his gaze on the dark eyes, he licked over his lips, sinking his nails into his thigh. His mannerism surprised the tall man as his eyes widened and he fumbled with the sleeves of his shirt, rolling them higher up, past his elbows.

“I need to film you going to the chair differently, because of- your back. I wanted a close up of it. You’ll- see what I mean later.” The director was unwilling to elaborate as he glanced away and licked over his lips quickly, moving the cameras around and adjusting the lights. Hoseok nodded and stood up, moving back to the spot where he had undressed, watching the director intently.

“And now turn around for me,” Hyungwon murmured once he had adjusted the cameras and clicked the record buttons again, eyes focused on him instead of the screen. Only briefly, he saw Hyungwon’s big brown eyes stare at the camera screen, adjusting it to follow his steps. Smiling, he turned around, staring at the chair instead of the far more appealing eyes of the man behind the camera.

“Now walk towards the chair, slowly, the way you did before.” It was so quiet in the room that he could hear the other man swallow and the camera tilt downwards. He loved how Hyungwon's voice sounded, the micro changes in tone and how he breathed after Hoseok started walking slowly, naturally, as he did before.

Once he had sat down, there was a little bit of shuffling and he could see how the brown-haired man stopped recording. He lifted one of the cameras at the side and pulled it a little closer, arranging it to film Hoseok’s lap from the angle. His suit pants were tight, accompanied by his wide eyes and parted lips as he worked and returned his eyes to Hoseok’s body in regular intervals, like he couldn’t really help it.

“This will be the last part,” he whispered and stood in front of the center cam again, the one that showed a full view of Hoseok. “Touch yourself.”

He couldn't help the way his eyebrow lifted at the command, but smirked it away and let his hands travel in different directions, his right hand stroked up his thigh while his left hand sunk down from his chest and stomach until it finally curled around his dick. God, he wanted Hyungwon to touch him, so he moved his hand up and down slowly before licking over his lips and patting his thigh, eyes not leaving the camera before he glanced to the side and caught Hyungwon's gaze.

The slim man muttered a curse, but didn’t look away, holding the eye contact as the camera continued filming. He might have been crazy, but he just patted his thigh again, watching the big eyes intently.

Hyungwon settled his teeth on his plump bottom lip, a dark red color with blue shadows in the light. His motions were careful as he stepped to the side and slowly made his way to the left. Instead of coming towards him he reached another camera and changed something about the settings, tilting it downwards.

“Do that again,” he whispered.

The tension was making it hard to breathe, but he was used to delaying his pleasure, so he smiled and patted his thigh, gaze glued to the other man's face. It was the best gratification. Hyungwon stopped the recording of that camera, turning it off and stepped to the side to the one on the right, adjusting it as well.

“Touch yourself again, the motion,” he muttered, watching him intently. His chest was rising and falling quickly, forcing the director to keep his lips parted. It was understandable, it was the same for him, he kept swallowing his harsh breaths, especially after making the ring tighter and stroking himself again, lips parting in a low moan, other hand patting his thigh while his legs spread a little.

He could hear a hiss as the tall man stopped the recording and also turned off the second camera. His steps were slow and careful when he returned to the center, to the last one. Meeting Hoseok’s eyes he licked over his lips and nodded briefly.

“Look at me and do it one last time.”

It was easy, so so easy. He focused his gaze on the wide brown eyes, licked over his lips and smirked, hand moving over his dick while he did so.

“Cut,” Hyungwon whispered, sound barely leaving his parted lips as he turned off the camera and stared at him, seconds stretching between them. He should have removed his hand and stood up, but he kept sitting there and staring at the director’s gorgeous face, the way his body reacted to him while listening to their ragged breaths.

_But he isn't gone enough. He would've fucked the camera and sat on your lap._

Removing his hand, he stood up and reached for his clothes, slipping into his underwear and jeans before glancing over at the director.

“You would've liked it,” he said as his shirt covered his shoulders.

The director didn’t say anything, merely standing behind the camera and following each of his movements with his eyes. His hands were shaking where he held onto the tripod.

“Do you- want to see the footage?” he whispered quietly, ignoring Hoseok’s comment.

“Sure. Show me,” he murmured, voice low and closing the distance to the other man with slow steps. He could see how Hyungwon instantly drew a deep breath and held it in his lungs the closer he got, hands shivering a little more as he turned the camera back on and clicked something.

“Here,” the brown-haired man whispered, but didn’t look at the camera screen, staring at his face instead. He was making it really hard. Hoseok looked at the screen, glancing at the other man's face in between, unable to help it. It was fascinating.

The light of the video was intense, emphasizing every line and vein on his body, showing even more of his muscles than the red light had done. The director inhaled sharply as he showed Hoseok a close up of his behind as he walked towards the chair.

“Do you like it?” the low voice asked after showing him a few scenes, fingers barely able to press the button properly.

“Mhm. A lot. How about you?” In the end it had been his reaction to the director.

“It’s perfect,” Hyungwon whispered and turned off the camera. Big eyes returned to his. The other man was taller, towering a few centimeters above him, but it barely mattered with the way he responded to him, teeth remaining on his bottom lip and eyes unsure where they were supposed to look.

“Because it's real.” He stepped a little closer, yearning to see more of the expressions on the gorgeous face. Thinking about it, Hyungwon was everything he found attractive, but the lack of expressions made it hard to recognize when they interacted.

“I hope you will be satisfied with the end product.” The brown-haired man cleared his throat and rubbed his palms over his suit pants, attempting to get a hold of himself judging by the calming breaths and the way he averted his eyes. It must have been easier when he wasn’t looking at Hoseok.

“Thank you. Really.” There was no use, there was still a wall between them, a very thin and transparent one, but separating them nevertheless. Reaching behind himself, he undid the silk ribbon on his mask and removed it from his face, smiling shyly. “It will be my best video.”

There was something resembling relief on the director’s face as he smiled back and brushed through his brown bangs.

“I doubt that, but thank you for trusting me enough to film this.” The distance grew with each spoken word, as if taking off the mask had broken something. “I guess I’ll...pack up and get home then.”

“I didn't want to hold you here for so long. Thank you so much again. Hyungwon.” He put the red mask on his desk and started taking the equipment apart until everything was packed and he helped carry it down. He felt a little empty, it was a first. Maybe because there was so much tension but neither of them acted on it, or maybe because he had the feeling that he showed his authenticity whereas the director didn't. In the end there was no rule. Hyungwon was there to help him film, but the emptiness still hurt.

“Oh my god,” a familiar voice exclaimed as he saw Minhyuk stop in front of the entrance to their building, right where he put Hyungwon's equipment as the director waited for his taxi. “Holy shit, Hoseok, he's gorgeous.”

_Just kill yourself._

“No no- he's not- he's-” he started, but there was no point.

“I think I've seen him somewhere, is he a model? Now it's models? I'm shaken, why didn't you tell me?” There was no other reaction besides curling his arm around Minhyuk and putting a palm in front of his mouth.

“I'm sorry. Minhyuk is ‘conduct zero’ in human form. Your cab is here,” he whispered apologetically before turning towards his best friend. “He's not, Minhyuk. He helped me film a video. Film. Not participate. Shut up,” he hissed.

“It’s- fine,” Hyungwon murmured carefully and focused his big eyes on his best friend, examining him intently the way he always did. “You must be his friend.” The director hesitated to get into the cab like he realized he was being impolite and stretched out his hand instead. “Chae Hyungwon.”

Minhyuk bit into his hand so that he had to pull it back, wincing at the pain in his palm.

“Oh god. Chae Hyungwon, the film director? I thought I'd seen you somewhere, oh my god. Are you- ah- you are the one who cast him for his art house movie! I'm Lee Minhyuk.” His best friend had one realization after another while he tried to push Hyungwon into the cab.

“Yes, he's amazing and also super busy, so let the poor person go, Minhyuk,” he hissed and curled an arm around the other man's slim waist, hissing into his ear to let Hyungwon go.

“We'll see each other at the studio and- just share the access to the material, so that I can finish up,” he murmured before waving at the cab as the door closed and the emptiness became even more apparent.

***

Hyungwon had never before been so glad and at the same time utterly disappointed to be in his familiar hotel room, as close to home as he could get. He had thrown his equipment bag somewhere in the hallway and immediately retired to bed. He was lying on the soft sheets in his white shirt and suit pants and didn’t care about his clothes getting wrinkled. He could wear something else the next day, he always did.

His heart was still beating furiously even though he was alone. There was no masked man, nobody to make his blood boil and fingers tremble with the desire to reach out. He had been so close, so close to just kicking the camera to the side and sitting down on the other man’s lap. He had been at the brink of following the beckoning of the pale hand that slapped an equally pale, but muscular thigh, and asked him to take his spot.

He had been overwhelmed, suffocating from the tension in the room and how easy it would have been to forget about the filming. Hoseok had been in control, pulling him with thin strings he wasn’t able to see, teasing everything that he wanted right out of him. It showed everywhere, in his motions, on his face, even on the footage that he had filmed. All of it screamed how much he had wanted the younger man, how much he still wanted him.

_Why didn’t you do it? Why didn’t you just go to him and wrap your arms around him the way you wanted to?_

Hyungwon buried his face in the pillow below him and inhaled the sweet scent of the hotel’s detergent. It was distracting, but not enough.

He hadn’t acted on his desires because it wasn’t his place. He had come there as a director, as somebody to help and not somebody who expected pleasure from the red-haired man. The expectations were different. The beckoning and playful smiles- he didn’t know if they were meant for him, even if it had felt that way. All the young man’s movements had seemed like they were performed for him, but behind all of his interpretations was the factual knowledge that he had filmed an introductory video, a video in which the gorgeous man presented himself, showed how desirable he was to all the viewers that indulged in his videos.

_You included._

His body was still burning hot from the arousal he had felt towards the younger man, towards Hoseok who was somebody he worked with and he wasn't supposed to have thoughts about apart from professional matters. It didn’t work with Hoseok, not when he was wearing a mask, making him impossible to resist. There was confidence, there was lack of inhibitions, there was everything that Hyungwon considered attractive and more, even if he would never admit to it.

_You have admitted to it, right there in his bedroom when you showed him how you respond to him._

He felt scared. Worried that something had changed now, that he wouldn’t be able to work with the red-haired man. He didn’t want to be constantly reminded of the tension between them, that he was only a heartbeat away from wanting to sit down on the masked man's lap and feel his teeth buried in his skin. There was so much to it, so many thoughts that fought for attention and returned arousal to his groin as if it had never left.

Groaning, Hyungwon covered his eyes with his left hand as he let the right travel along his body, pausing at a nipple and brushing over it. He remembered the way he touched Hoseok with a brush, innocent and brief but eliciting a gorgeous hiss. He moaned at the sensation and the images in his mind. Chewing on his bottom lip, he allowed his fingers to travel lower, playing with the button of his suit pants until he finally released it and sank his hand into his underwear, moaning at how fucking good it felt after not being touched for hours.

_You’re going mad, Hyungwon. This is too much for you. You never needed this before._

He hadn’t, not before and not in the past few years. But temptation was terrifying, capable of breaking a lot of walls, even the one he prefered to erect between himself and the actors he worked with.

No matter how much Hyungwon thought about it. He wished he could be one of the chosen ones, one of the boys with a mask.

_

When Hyungwon corrected Hoseok’s posture and asked the red-haired boy to focus more on the innocence he wanted to portray in the scene, something that stood in direct opposition to his scenes with Marlene, he realized something about their relationship.

There wasn’t really one. At least not when they were at work. Hyungwon was still the director and Hoseok was the shy and new actor, listening to his suggestions for improvements, interacting with his co-actors and asking for advice when it was necessary. There was none of the tension that had been there a few days ago when he was filming the way the red-haired boy’s hand wrapped around his erection and how his other hand beckoned him over. Hyungwon had dreams about that moment, making him much more tired than he had been during the past few weeks. Kihyun had already asked him if he had trouble sleeping.

_No, only trouble with your libido._

“Lunch,” Hyungwon yelled and massaged his temples. A brief glance towards Hoseok revealed that the red-haired man wasn’t going anywhere yet, at least not to the lunch tables like everybody else. The set was like a school around lunch time, everyone ran and tried to get food.

_Apart from the two of you._

“How are you? Less nervous than on the first day?” he asked the younger man and smiled a little. He was still in charge of the actors feeling at ease on set.

_Like he creates a safe haven for his partners in his bedroom._

He swallowed at the thought and pretended that it had never happened.

“No, it's the same. The scenes are different and the things that you want me to portray are different too, so of course I'm still nervous.” The young man pulled a book out of his bag and fumbled with the red mask-bookmark.

_It's like he's teasing you with it._

“Do you want to go for lunch?” Hyungwon heard himself ask and hoped that it wouldn't get awkward since they rarely stayed with their respective jobs when they were alone.

“Sure, why not. I should invite you, I think it's definitely my turn.” A shy smile appeared on the curved lips as the red-haired man got up and met his gaze.

“I don't keep track,” Hyungwon replied and smiled back. He had no idea what was going on in the other man's head, whether he hinted at Hyungwon helping him film the video or not. They hadn't really talked about it apart from Hyungwon sending the red-haired man a link to the footage. He was pretty glad that he had it too.

“Let's go to the cafe from before, eat a sandwich and get proper coffee. How have you been? Is school giving you hell?” He asked a lot of questions to stay far away from the topic he was really interested in. For example what happened inside Hoseok’s head once he put the mask on.

“Uni is okay, a lot of work, but nothing I can't manage. I've been fine. Had to reject quite a few professional filming offers after the masterpiece you've directed for me,” the red-haired man replied and followed him, taking the wallet out of his bag and throwing a black leather jacket over his shoulders. “How have you been?”

_He called it a masterpiece._

Hyungwon knew that it was, there was no way to think anything else about it. Still, he hadn't expected that the red-haired man would get professional filming offers, at least not for porn.

_He's amazing as Benjamin._

“You are an amazing actor, so you shouldn't be too surprised about it.” He squeezed Hoseok’s shoulder once, the way he always did and thought about how he was actually doing, apart from his unhealthy interest in the younger man with a mask. “I've been doing fine, mostly filming even when you're not there.” He couldn't find his coat, so he decided to freeze for the few minutes on the way to the cafe. He had arms, they would have to do the job. “I'm glad there is such a positive response to the video. You've done a good job editing it.” He smiled and led the way towards the cafe. As soon as they left the building he wrapped his arms around his waist, hoping that the torture would end soon.

“I'm sorry in advance for the bad plotline,” Hoseok murmured and took off his jacket in a smooth movement, similar to the way he had thrown the white linen shirt off his shoulders. The red-haired man put it around Hyungwon's shoulders before continuing walking as if nothing happened. “Yeah, I know that you're filming, it must be exhausting but also amazing because you can see something you like turn into reality.”

There are a lot of things Hyungwon liked and not all of them turned into reality. Some things he didn't like and those tended to turn into reality quite a lot.

He frowned and puckered his lips in distaste, torn between telling Hoseok to take it back and not freezing like an idiot. Telling the younger man to take it back was also a bad plotline. Independence and all.

“At least I didn't blush,” he muttered and pulled the jacket tighter around him. Their shoulder width was similar, but Hyungwon was way thinner, drowning in the jacket.

“Sad,” the red-haired boy commented and grinned, before holding the door open for him to enter the cafe.

“Why would you want me to blush, Hoseok?” he asked and gestured around them. “In the middle of Vienna on the way to lunch? I'm definitely not blushing.” Pressing his lips together in distaste, he hurried into the cafe before taking off the jacket and returning it to the red-haired man. “I hate being cliche, but weren't you cold?”

“I like the way your face looks when you blush.” Smiling brightly, Hoseok sat down across from him. “I'm almost never cold. My body temperature is pretty high.” Suddenly a hand wrapped around his wrist and pulled a little. It was hot, really hot. “See?”

“Y-yeah,” Hyungwon stuttered stupidly and looked around, hoping that nobody was watching them. Hoseok saying he liked his blushed face meant that he'd seen it.

_Which means he could tell._

He wanted to groan at the embarrassment that washed over him, but then he remembered the way the red-haired man with the mask had told him that it was a safe place.

_Don't think about it._

“I- I freeze quickly. My body doesn't really save energy,” he remarked and waved one of the waiters over, quickly ordering coffee and sandwiches to distract himself.

“You run around without your coat a lot, considering that you freeze easily. I hope that the hot coffee will warm you up.” There was another breathtaking smile before Hoseok pulled his phone out of his bag and declined a call.

“Who was that?” Hyungwon asked and decided against telling the actor that he sounded like an advertisement.

“Don't know. Might be someone who wants to play, or someone else, I don't know the number.” As soon as the coffee was placed on the table, the red-haired man took a long sip, eyes rolling back and mouth parting in a hiss. “So good.” It was similar to the way he had hissed when Hyungwon touched his nipple with a brush.

_Stop thinking about it._

“Your- baby boys have your number even if you don't know them?” he muttered in disbelief and took a sip from his own cup, shuddering as he always did. It woke him up.

Hoseok grinned, taking another sip.

“No, it goes through the agency. They request, get checked and then they get it. They mostly have to fit a certain type that I like.”

“Slim, plump lips, golden skin?” Hyungwon asked immediately and wrapped his hands around his cup, regretting his words. He remembered how the boys in the videos had looked. Hoseok seemed to think about it before speaking.

“Perfect, just add tall, big eyes and ready to let go, then you have perfection. You seem to know my type pretty well. How come? Don't think that you can tell from one video.” The other man tilted his head to the side and watched him intently.

_Well, fuck._

“That's what the boy in the video looked like, apart from the plump lips.” Hyungwon tried to remember. He had seen so many boys by now. “Fine, his eyes also weren't that big, but the rest fit. I've seen more than one.” He shrugged to seem nonchalant about purposefully watching the red-haired man fuck boys that looked like him.

_Maybe that's why he reacted to you._

“You did?” Hoseok swallowed and took his cup, sipping on his coffee and watching him from under his red bangs. “I'm honoured.”

“What do you think when you put on your mask, Hoseok?” he asked and leaned forward, licking over his lips briefly because they suddenly felt dry.

“What I think?” The other man repeated the question and put his cup down, intertwining his fingers in front of his face. “I guess it's something like ‘it's safe now’ because I can be myself in a way that I can't otherwise? My desires are louder in my ears than when I don't wear it. I mean- you've seen me with both, what do you think is the difference?”

Hyungwon pulled his lips into his mouth and thought about the best way to explain it, to elaborate on the impression he had. His fingers tapped a random rhythm on the table until he decided on the words.

“I think the difference is that you become more confident, more stern and dominant. It is difficult to deny you, but there is no such thing when you don't wear it. I got curious what happens inside your head because of that.” He smiled to make the conversation seem a little lighter than it was. “I'm curious what would happen if you acted with a mask on, that's why I looked at more videos.”

_Among other reasons._

“Ah. The thing is- when I wear the mask, I don't act. That's the difference. I- have an expressive face so it takes a lot of time and effort to keep my facial expressions neutral, otherwise people consider it too intense or creepy. That's why I love stage acting, because on stage you're not weird if your face shows everything.” The pale hands grabbed the cup as Hoseok took another sip while looking to the side. “It's not that I'm more confident with the mask on, it's because it's a safe space on the one hand, and on the other hand I don't have to pay attention to my face so I can concentrate on pleasuring my partner.”

“I don't see a problem with having an expressive face. It's perfect for acting, be it in theatre or a movie,” Hyungwon remarked and focused his eyes on the red-haired man's features. Maybe that was the reason he had been so fascinated on the first day, intrigued by his smile and polite replies, hiding something else. “It must be freeing for you to wear the mask then. How did you end up doing this? Did somebody offer?” He couldn't imagine how one studied theatre and then suddenly ended up making videos, sleeping with men.

“The mask was there before the videos. I- used it to practice different roles in front of a mirror when I was in school and- my boyfriend back then- well it's a little embarrassing, so I'll spare you the rest. The mask, it's been with me for four years now, so you can consider it my one and only relationship. Also the longest lasting one.” Hoseok pulled his lips into a thin line before smiling at the waiter who had brought the sandwiches.

“You beat me there,” Hyungwon muttered before grinning and leaning on his crossed arms. “Also, you mean you'll spare yourself the embarrassing details, not me.”

“Yeah. But then, confidence is not something I only have when I wear a mask. It just shows in a raw form. I had sex for the first time with the mask on. It had never been different. Please enjoy the embarrassing detail,” Hoseok replied and bit into his sandwich.

_He only sleeps with people when he wears a mask?_

Hyungwon's eyes widened at that. He had never worn a mask while being close to somebody. It seemed like it would establish distance, but maybe that was exactly what Hoseok needed.

_It's what you need now._

“Even when you have a boyfriend? Are they okay with that?” He realised how personal the question was and grabbed his sandwich to inhale it after apologising. “I'm sorry if it's too personal.”

“It's okay, you've seen me naked with my dick in my hand. The whole relationship topic is- not a thing for me. I'm in a relationship with my drama major, my mask and my Tarkovsky books. Also Minhyuk, but that's a friendship. How about you? You don't seem like someone who fancies relationships much either. I often think that you only talk to me because you feel responsible.” Pausing, Hoseok bit another chunk from his sandwich and chewed furiously.

Hyungwon couldn't help but laugh at how true that was. He could really relate to Hoseok’s relationship with inanimate objects and the red-haired man wasn't wrong about him feeling responsible. He always talked to his actors to make them feel at ease and if they weren't his actors he doubted that he would bother.

“You're probably right. I've been in an intimate relationship with my head for as long as I can remember. There were times when I left it for a while, but those are few and rare. I gave up a few years ago. You're- right about my responsibility towards you, but there is more. You're fascinating because there is something to you, something I can see but not grasp. It's difficult to explain.” He shrugged and inserted half of the sandwich into his mouth. It tasted okay as far as he could tell. Hoseok looked at him trying to chew and smirked. His dark eyes changed while he did so.

“Whatever it is, I hope that it's really there.” Smiling, the red-haired man finished his sandwich and drank the rest of his coffee. “I hope that I can contribute to your relationship with your head by doing a good job on set.”

Hyungwon nodded slowly as the doubt that it was what he wanted got worse and worse each day. He didn't want Hoseok, not really at least, not the smiling sunshine that bought him a sandwich. But the grin though, the brief moment that had followed his explanation, _that_ made it difficult to stay composed.

“I'm convinced that there is much more to you than even you yourself can tell, Hoseok.”

 


	7. 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But he watched your videos. He did. So he might watch if you make another one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 17th of April at 2 PM CET.  
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Attraction was scary - especially with how his memory worked. He remembered it, the shaking, the ragged breaths and the dark, wide eyes, eating him up.

_You could've made him feel so good._

Throwing his head back, Hoseok groaned in frustration, trying to prepare for his interpretation of Schiller’s Don Karlos. He had no reason to make the director feel good, he seemed okay on set, a semi-emotionless existence as the other man liked to portray himself. Not interested in humans, barely eating, freezing, hating bad plotlines. He only had interest in art. His art. And apparently Hoseok.

_Especially when you smirk. Or talk about the mask._

The mask had been his friend the longest, if he could call it that. It only gave and never took. It enabled him to be himself without insecurities, it gave him power, superiority. Inhibitions didn’t matter when he felt the red, gorgeously decorated silk against his face. There was only him and the mask, raw and inseparable, forever tied together like an actor and his stage. One could’ve said that the mask had become his personal stage.

_If there was a choice to make, you always chose the mask._

More than once, he had ended a relationship or decided against them from the start because of the beautiful disguise, because it wasn’t compatible. He missed it.

_He should’ve sat on your lap._

Shaking his head at himself, he pulled the red mask out of the bottom drawer of his desk and observed it intently. The newest one was gorgeous, not comparable to what he had worn before. There was a red silk flower attached to the left side at eyebrow level, in addition to the red stones and beads that covered the borders and emphasized the shape. It was perfect.

_But he watched your videos. He did. So he might watch if you make another one._

Licking over his lips, he ditched Don Karlos, making a promise with himself to immediately return to studying as soon as he was done with the video. Uni was important, but the tingling in his groin made it impossible to concentrate. He hadn’t been able to film for a long time due to Mr. Chae’s filming schedules, uni and the warning from the media team, but it was okay if he was alone, was it?

_Just do it. Since when do you worry about things like that?_

Hoseok was quick, setting up the cam and focusing on  his bed that was bathed in red light, just the way he liked it. It wasn’t comparable to the gorgeous lighting the director had set up for his introductory video, but oh well. ‘Rolling’ he whispered to himself while tying a ribbon behind his head. Stepping closer to the cam to check the settings, he fixed the fit of the mask and smirked.

_Welcome home._

He wore blue ripped jeans and a white t-shirt, bare feet silently walking over the carpet to the bed. He lay down completely dressed and stared into the camera while his hands slid under his t-shirt and played with his nipples. Concentrating on the lens, he imagined the big brown eyes. It was easy, almost real, how detailed his memory of the director was. The other man’s brown hair that fell into his eyes because he didn’t style it, his bare arms, pulled up sleeves, slim waist, bulge visible between his long legs due to the perfect light. It was as if Hoseok did it for him.

_You do._

Smirking, he licked over his lips slowly, before lifting his shirt and stroking over his flexed abdominal muscles. After what he considered  enough teasing, he removed the fabric and threw it to the side, remaining half naked. Hoseok loved how his pale body looked under the red light, how the shadows fell and how his fingers looked under it when they travelled over his muscles, brushed his nipples and sunk into his jeans, teasing himself with lazy strokes. He moaned while staring into the camera lens and finally opened the button of his jeans, pulling down the zipper and freeing his erection. It must’ve looked hot, touching himself while still wearing jeans and sprawled on the pillows, body on display. He looked at the camera and beckoned it over, smirking and biting down on his bottom lip. Shit, he wanted the director to appear, close the distance between them and sit on his lap.

_You want him. It’s real._

Moaning at the thought, he continued stroking himself before lifting his fingers towards his mouth and covering them in saliva. The viewers would love it, he knew, but he did it for the image in his head, for the blush, for the parted lips and the strained breaths, for the long fingers that grabbed the tripod as if to hold onto the last string of sanity, still scared to abandon it and surrender to him. To what he was able to do.

Speeding up his motions, he spread his legs and released himself with a groan. It felt amazing, so he threw his head back and rubbed his red hair over the white pillow. The postorgasmic bliss kicked in, but he was aware, aware that the image in his head kept watching him. His eyes opened and found the camera in a matter of seconds, his gaze stayed as his lips curled up in a smirk and he patted his thigh. ‘Cut’ he whispered to himself, before cleaning up and turning everything off.

_Now, if only you could see him watching it._

He took off the mask and sighed.

_Schiller, Hoseok. Go and study._

_

 

The days passed without anything major happening, there were calls and there were film offers, but he declined all of them. It was a little frustrating as he was used to being sexually active at least twice a week, but it had been ages since he touched a nice body and heard a pretty moan.

The university gave less coursework than usual, the Easter break was just around the corner and he concentrated his efforts on finishing the tasks he had been putting off. The set was also the same as before. The director didn’t appear different, it also didn’t seem as if he had seen his video and Hoseok couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed.

_Because you only did it for him._

He sighed as he heard the familiar low voice announcing the lunch break and lay down on the three chairs that he had prepared because he didn’t sleep at all last night, talking to Minhyuk about filming, about the mask, about uni, about still feeling like a waste of a precious spot in the drama study programme and about desires. Stupid desires. Again he groaned, but quietly this time, before lying on the uncomfortable chairs behind the partition wall and covering his eyes with his naked forearm. It took only a few minutes of background noise and weird confusing thoughts for him to slide into unconsciousness.

The sensation of warm air that brushed over his lips and the tip of his nose pulled him back into awareness. It must have been breaths as the same sensation returned after a few seconds, hot and pleasant. He inhaled carefully, trying to determine the scent, it smelled like hot black coffee.

_Delicious._

Exhaling again he licked over his lips, but refused to move or open his eyes yet. He had no idea where he was, but it was definitely fucking uncomfortable.

Again air blew over his face, this time with a little bit more force and he could feel cold fingers wrap around his upper arm. It was gentle, like the person next to him wanted to wake him, but at the same time tried not to. There were loud noises around them, people talking and something being shoved across the floor, producing an unpleasant screeching sound.

_Oh for god’s sake._

He opened his eyes, but there was nothing, until he realized that he had covered his eyes with his forearm. Sucking his bottom lip into his mouth, he moved it a tiny bit up, just enough to see.

The director was crouching next to him on his knees, chewing on his cheek and staring at a random spot on the floor.

“Oh come on, this isn’t the ‘sleeping beauty’ contest, just punch him or something,” Kihyun yelled from somewhere further away and he could see the brown-haired man groan in response.

“Oh shut up,” he muttered and tightened his grip on Hoseok’s arm. Then his head lifted and their eyes met.

“Oh- you’re awake. We- wanted to continue filming.”

He hummed, but didn’t make any attempts to remove his arm or get up, even though he should have. His butt hurt from the uncomfortable position and he definitely needed to drink some water with how his head felt like a brain-cell-cemetery.

“Why are you on the floor?” he asked, voice low after not talking for a while.

“Because-” The tall man’s eyes widened like he suddenly realized he had no real explanation for it. “I wanted to wake you up, carefully, so- I sat down here.” There was a twitch in the corner of his right eye like he really wanted to slap himself or suddenly felt angry, lips pulling together into a pout. “It doesn’t really matter. The point is that we wanted to continue filming and you fell asleep on a bunch of chairs, probably ruining your back and cosplaying your second personality.”

_Your second personality?_

“You don’t make any sense. Are you sure that I’m the one who fell asleep and is a tiny bit confused?” He felt the cold fingers tighten around his arm and couldn’t help a grin. Any touch was a good touch, he was a little desperate.

“When you cover your eyes with your arm it resembles the mask,” the low voice commented before the touch suddenly disappeared and the director stood up quickly, brushing imaginary dirt from his suit pants. “You have ten minutes to wake up and get the smudged eyeliner fixed and then we continue.”

“Yes, Sir.” Grinning brightly, he kept lying on the chairs and watching the director’s antics.

There was a frown that transformed the older man’s lips into a really funny shape, slightly parted but at the same time his upper lip was lifted in disgust. His right hand massaged his temples as he hurried over to his spot at the set, fumbling with various sheets and avoiding looking in his direction.

“Don’t mind him, he’s probably under time pressure because we lost a day,” Marlene commented next to him and patted his head briefly. “Are you feeling okay? Want some water?”

_The day that he filmed you. It's because of you._

“Oh my god, yes. You’re way better at this than him.” Hoseok isolated his index finger and pointed in Hyungwon’s direction, mouth curling downwards in distaste. He was most definitely nailing the other man’s expression. His face was perfect for stuff like this. “I’m okay, just a little sleepy.”

Marlene started laughing loudly, quickly covering her face with both palms to not make too much noise. He must have looked exactly the way he had wanted to look.

“Oh god, I’ll get you a glass of water before I end up choking,” she muttered with a bright grin and walked behind one of the fake walls. He stood up and rubbed over his butt. Fixing his pants and shirt, he tried to remove whatever eyeliner there was by wiping his fingers under his eyes. Stretching his body after the uncomfortable position, he looked to the side and met the director’s gaze.

_No risk, no fun._

Smirking a little, he winked purposefully, before walking off towards the dressing room.

_Maybe you should try to concentrate on someone else? Someone available?_

A video. He needed to film a video.

 

***

Hyungwon was going mad, but not in the way that he enjoyed. It wasn’t insanity that stemmed from memories reappearing much more frequently and occluding reality in the same way that grey clouds occluded the sky. No, it was much more focused and precise than that. It also wasn’t madness that yearned for art or to finish a project, filming non-stop and forgetting about his basic needs like food, drink and sleep.

But the madness wasn’t located within him, inside his head and his thoughts. Instead it was outside, positioned in reality and given a body through the person that evoked all those crazy desires and thoughts in him.

He wasn’t naive or stupid. He also had experienced his phase of being particularly fond of and interested in sex, masturbating more than twice a day if he had the time and the opportunity to do so. However, that was in the past and had been at a stage that required a bit of exploration, time to get to know his own body. There was no need for that anymore, he was perfectly aware of his desires and especially the lack thereof.

_It’s his fault._

Blame was pointless, it didn’t help him to solve the problem, but at least he knew the source of it all. It had started with the mask, the grin that had been directed at him without the knowledge of what all of it meant. The knowledge had made it much worse though.

He had watched every video, some more than once because they stimulated a stronger response in him than others did. It was almost a tradition by now, he got home to his hotel after filming and engaged in several long minutes of self-love, mostly for the duration of the video because he liked to time his orgasm with that of the boy Hoseok was pleasuring so extensively. Maybe he did it because it felt like the screaming boy was him, it was difficult to tell. Reasons and explanations were the last thing on his mind when he allowed himself to delve into reality. It wasn’t in his head anymore, not really at least, but it wasn’t as real as it could have been.

_It would have been real if you had acted on your desires. If you had crossed the distance and sat down on his lap. That’s when it would have become reality._

But Hyungwon avoided reality. He was the opposite of Benjamin, preferring to surround himself with memories and chunks of emotions that he conjured through imagination instead of the feelings and experiences he could really have. It was safer and nobody got hurt in the end. This way it was about him, he could pace it, he could decide when he wanted to turn off the video and not be overwhelmed by the urges it stirred in him. All of it was his choice, but he knew that as soon as he had the masked, red-haired man standing in front of him there would be nothing to decide anymore. There would be no opposition from his side, nothing.

_You are meant to direct a movie with him, you cannot succumb to his touch, even if he says that it is a safe place._

Hoseok hadn’t mentioned his arousal back then or how much Hyungwon had wanted to feel close. It seemed like the younger man accepted his direct avoidance of the topic and gave him space.

_That makes it even more tempting though._

Hyungwon had seen the video, the newest one in which Hoseok pleasured himself instead of having a boy to play with. Of course he had seen it. How could he not? Curiosity was stronger than him when he was safe in his own hotel room and nobody was able to see or determine what happened inside his head.

_But you don’t want it to be in your head. You want it to be real._

He bit his lip and let himself fall on top of his bed, body still tingling from his recent orgasm. There was something inside of him that was intrigued by Hoseok, by the way he presented himself once he wore a mask and how he lured him in without even trying hard. The grins that the red-haired boy was sending his way could mean a lot, but they were definitely not boyish and innocent. It was like Hoseok still patted his thigh impatiently, repeating the same gesture, the same desire, but concealing it with other actions.

_Either that or you are making all of this up because you want him._

Hyungwon hated the position he was in. He hated that he was older and not really in the demographic of men that wanted to be nailed into a mattress (at least in his opinion). He also hated that Hoseok continuously provoked him without invading his personal space. There was nothing to complain about, nothing at all apart from the way that Hyungwon overreacted to it. He was lucky that his acting skills were not far off from his directing skills and that keeping his face emotionless was as natural to him as falling asleep.

There was no denying it, he was trying to look for ways to meet the nineteen-year-old boy that was starring in his movie, be it on set, for a cup of coffee or in general. He hadn’t hesitated for long when Hoseok asked him to film his introductory video in the least subtle way ever. It was something he had wanted and he only stalled to not be too obvious about it. Now there was no real reason to see the other man privately. Hyungwon couldn’t visit a sex shop just because he wanted to see him and hanging around the area was suspicious as he lived far away. He hated being predictable. He generally hated being part of a plot.

_You don’t want to be the protagonist, but when you were in his bedroom you didn’t mind, you even begged for it inside your head._

Hyungwon needed a way to act on it, to get close enough to feel the freedom Hoseok always talked about. It sounded like a cage lifted for the red-haired man as soon as he put on his mask, like his consciousness was finally able to escape the cloudy walls that surrounded it and slipped out. He could imagine it so well, the way it filled out his body all the way to the fingertips and controlled it instead of letting his sedated rationality make the decisions.

_He said it was a safe place, one where you can be whatever you want. None of it matters there, neither your memories nor your fear of losing art._

The distraction was already there. Instead of basking in thoughts and visions that he put into scenes and plots, his head was circling around a red mask and unspeakable things that pale hands were able to do to him. It was a madness that needed a solution.

_If you cannot pour it out in thought you have to pour it out in reality, Hyungwon._

_

His shoes were surprisingly clean for the muddy weather outside as he rubbed them over a brown, bushy mat in front of the apartment complex he had seen only once from the inside.

_Your memory is impressively good for seeing it only once._

He suspected that he could have navigated Hoseok’s bedroom with closed eyes, aware of the spots he placed the cameras before and the exact arrangement of the bed and the rest of the furniture.

It was Tuesday evening and he was a little tired after filming. They had started at 5AM and had filmed for fifteen hours straight. His voice was a little rough from yelling instructions and he could feel the weight of his head on his shoulders. It had been worse before, but Hyungwon would have prefered to be in a better condition for what he was about to do.

There weren’t many reasons for seeing Hoseok, especially not unannounced at his apartment, but he genuinely hoped that a present was a decent one. Social interaction wasn’t his forte and he had no idea whether what he planned on giving the red-haired man even qualified as a present, but it was better than saying that he was desperate and wanted to see him in private. He couldn’t relax and act free when they were at work and he also didn’t want to. It had to be independent, private and without observers the way it was now.

_The way it had been when you filmed him._

He sucked the fresh air into his lungs and reached out to press the bell, waiting to be buzzed through like last time. He was, but instead of a red head there was nothing until he reached the door.

“Oh my god, Chae Hyungwon!” a black-haired man exclaimed, ripping the door open and pulling him inside. After a few seconds he recognised Hoseok's friend. “Did you come to visit Hoseok? He's away for a bit, he'll be here in twenty minutes or something. He's usually gone on Tuesdays until nine and Thursdays until six. All the other days his courses end at 4PM. Coffee?”

Hyungwon swallowed at the influx of speech, overwhelmed by so much input at once. He wasn't a man of many words, but Hoseok’s friend was a waterfall. He reflected on everything he had been told and put away the red-haired man's schedule for when he might need it. It sounded useful.

“Y-yes,” he muttered and wondered if he'd be able to leave if he wanted to. Hoseok’s friend hadn't hesitated a single second before pulling him into the apartment like a freshly delivered Amazon package. “Lee Minhyuk, right?” He was still holding onto a box with a ribbon around it. It was decorated because he had written that it was a present, like an idiot. Chewing on his cheek, he put it down as subtly as he was able to.

_You expected Hoseok._

“Did you get him a present? Oh my god, you're so attentive! It's a shame that he's gone the whole day on his birthday, but on the other hand he doesn't care about it much, so I guess he will be even more happy to receive something. I got him new - things, he was very happy. Yes, I'm Minhyuk.” The waterfall continued as the black-haired man made two cups of black coffee after pulling him into the small kitchen.

_It’s his birthday?_

Hyungwon didn't feel prepared at all. A blue light for filming was in no way good enough as a birthday present. He panicked and tried to think of something else, more decent, that he could give the red-haired man on his twentieth birthday but he had no idea. Shit.

“Oh no, it's a terrible present,” he murmured and glanced around, heartbeat thumping in his ears and making his dizzy. He had a necklace, but it was a present from his birth mother and he was rather attached to it. There was really nothing to give apart from himself.

_Don't go there._

“What? No! He will be ridiculously happy that you came, he talks a lot about you.” The handsome man handed him the white cup and blinked unevenly. First his left eye closed, then his right one. “I just have to make a long call because I promised to call Hoseok's mom because he never does, and I said I'll do it in the next ten minutes. That was ten minutes ago.” Chuckling, the black-haired man gestured towards Hoseok's room. “You can wait in there in the meantime, he'll be here in a bit, ten to twenty minutes max.”

Hyungwon nodded and felt thankful for the chance to escape and be able to hear his own thoughts. The speed at which Minhyuk talked resembled a heavy bass drum roll, so loud that thoughts were not possible next to the onslaught of words.

He grabbed the present from the hallway and carried it into Hoseok’s bedroom. It felt a little wrong to be in the other man's private space without him being there, but Hyungwon merely swallowed at the memories and thoughts inside his head and thought about where to place the present. In the end he decided to put it right on the bed. Hoseok couldn't miss it there, not unless he slept on the floor.

His brain helpfully supplied an image of Hoseok fucking a slim boy on all fours and he sucked his lips into his mouth to have a sensation apart from the tingling in his chest. The room created associations because Hyungwon only knew it from the videos he watched and the introduction he filmed. Both were heavily loaded with arousal and tension.

Closing his eyes for a few seconds, he inhaled the air and tried to image what Hoseok must feel when he was in his own room, what significance it had for him. For the red-haired boy there wasn't only sex, there was probably also coursework, friends, books he read, a lot of activities,  but for Hyungwon there was only yearning and the red mask. Even now he could imagine it with closed eyes, red and beautiful.

_You know where he keeps it._

He licked over his lips and opened his eyes again, gaze wandering over the different shelves and drawers. It didn't take long for him to identify the drawer that contained the mask. Swallowing once to overcome the hammering in his chest, he walked towards it, fingers brushing across the soft wood and pulling at the handle. The drawer gave way easily, opening up and revealing the gorgeous mask, lying on its side with the ribbon covering half of the space.

_That's his pathway to freedom, isn't it?_

Hyungwon inhaled slowly and let the air fill out his chest before he reached into the drawer and took out the mask. He rubbed his thumb over the silky texture, enjoying the way it felt in his hands. It was so easy to imagine Hoseok’s face behind it, the way the black eyes ate him up while sitting on a chair or on the bed, tempting him to give in.

His chest fell as he exhaled and turned the mask around, seeing what only Hoseok saw of it. Closing his eyes, he lifted it up until it rested against his face. It was cool to the touch, but pleasant. Licking over his lips to fight the nervousness, he let his fingers slip behind his head, playing with the long ribbon until he pulled it tight and finally opened his eyes.

“I see you’ve met my friend,” Hoseok’s low voice spoke as the other man stared at him, standing in front of the door, right across from him. “But-” the red-haired man came closer, slow but determined steps, until he was only a few centimeters away. “I’m sure that black suits you better.”

_Black._

Hyungwon's eyes widened at the shock of being caught and at the implication of the words. Hoseok’s sexual partners always wore a black mask, the complimentary piece to his own.

“I-” he began, but didn't know how to explain himself. He was standing in the younger man's private space and had tried something that was personal and dear to him. “I... was curious about what it's like.”

“And? What is it like?” The muscular body shifted closer as Hoseok stared at him, licking over his lips and arms lifting past his shoulders, as if to curl around his neck, body heat transferring through the fabric he was wearing.

He froze in place at the sudden proximity, a little scared that he would act without a second thought. But his body obeyed him as his hands dug into his own thighs and his eyes widened. The mask had a different effect on him. He didn't feel as protected and hidden behind it as Hoseok must have felt. Instead it seemed like he was part of something, included in the safe place that Hoseok created in his bedroom. It scared and intrigued him at the same time.

“I don't think the mask has the same effect on me,” he whispered and bit down on his bottom lip, feeling the texture of it with his tongue.

“It’s because it’s mine,” Hoseok whispered against his lips before pulling at the ribbon and catching the mask as it fell from his face like a obsolete facial expression.

“It's not only that. It- doesn't hide what needs to be hidden. My eyes and lips are too expressive,” he whispered and continued to abuse his swollen lips. “You can still see it all.”

“They’re perfect. Your eyes and lips.” The red-haired man licked over his curved mouth as he switched glancing between his eyes and lips, sucking in his features it seemed. “It’s not about seeing or not seeing something. It’s about developing trust in a person without being sure of what will happen. I’m- like someone who is standing at the bungee jumping platform and holding your rope, making sure that you don’t get hurt while giving you the whole experience of falling from a cliff.” Inhaling sharply, Hoseok stepped back, giving him at least a little more space to breathe. “If you want to fall and experience what freedom is, that is.” The black eyes looked down and observed the red mask in his hands, before Hoseok sighed and put it back into the drawer.

Hyungwon had never felt as relieved and disappointed as he had at that exact moment. His fingers were shaking a little but he forced his features to behave. It was easier when Hoseok was himself and didn't stand as close to him as he had before.

_You get triggered by the mask, whether he wears it or not._

“But who is holding your rope?” he whispered and reached out to grab the drawer next to him, hoping to stabilize himself and lose the tension that remained in his muscles from the adrenaline.

“The mask,” was the other man’s short reply, as he looked to the side, trying to hide his facial expressions, much like he tended to when they were together and talked about something uncomfortable.

_But the mask doesn't hold on tightly enough, does it?_

“Happy birthday, Hoseok,” Hyungwon commented to loosen the tension and the discomfort on the red-haired man's face and stepped closer. “I got you a present, but it's better as a ‘random’ present instead of a ‘birthday’ present, so I apologize. If there is something else I can gift you, don't hesitate to tell me.” The other man’s black eyes widened and he stepped closer again, this time it wasn’t sexual, more surprised.

“How do you know that it’s my birthday? You got a present for me? Why? Oh my god- what am I supposed to do?” His pale hands reached for his face and squeezed it.

Hyungwon chuckled at the sight. It was the first time that he saw somebody at a loss for words because of something as basic as a birthday gift. It wasn't even a particularly good birthday gift.

“You're supposed to accept it, what else? Also, hopefully you won't throw it at me because it's not all that nice. I'd probably die, just saying.” He shrugged and pointed at the package on the bed. It was heavy enough to knock him out. Keeping his face squished, Hoseok turned to the bed and moved closer, hands falling to the sides.

“Holy shit. Is it light? A blue one? Oh my god, oh my god, I was so sad when I filmed the video for you because I only had red, and now I have both, this is amazing!” A bright, genuine smile spread the other man’s cheeks and he jumped like a happy bunny, before curling his arms around his waist suddenly and twirling him like a paper doll, before putting him back on the same spot, happiness written all over the ridiculously handsome face. “Thank you, really, oh god, it’s the best present ever.”

_He filmed the video for you? Oh god._

Hyungwon was baffled and grabbed the other man's shoulders in shock, releasing an embarrassing yelp. Hoseok was adorable when he was happy, but it didn't help him to figure out how to act. It was easier than confronting the red-haired man with a mask though. The images of the video were quick to take over his mind, sending a shudder down his back and clouding his senses briefly. The most innocent touch turned meaningful suddenly, like the hot hands around his waist, applying pressure.

“It's- it's really not worth mentioning. I'm glad you like it,” he murmured and tried to ignore the thoughts and associations in his head. It didn't fit. He didn't feel sexually attracted to Hoseok’s sweetness and innocent happiness, but the way the red-haired man grabbed him sent blood to his groin.

“I’m sooo happy. Really, thank you. It’s the best! Ah- what a nice ending to a shitty day.” Suddenly the other man’s face changed, something mingling into the innocence and taking over like a drop of ink in water. The warm hands slid over the curve of his waist slowly, before Hoseok stepped back, eyes not leaving him, even though his hands did.

“I'm glad that…I could improve it,” he whispered and returned the dark gaze with equal intensity. Hoseok always surprised him with the quick changes he was capable of, innocent one moment and dangerous the next. There was something biting to the air, like the situation could change any second, turn everything around and close his escape route. It was everything Hyungwon wanted, but-

_Not as yourself, you can't be yourself and he can't be Hoseok. It has to be an alternative reality, one that is far away from your art._

“You did. It’s perfect. Did Minhyuk give you coffee at least?” The red-haired man turned around and walked back to the bed, pointing at the ribbon and smiling brightly. “I love it.”

“It's fucking cheesy,” Hyungwon groaned and pursed his lips. “I wanted it to look as non-pressuring as possible, but they never give me what I want.” He brushed his bangs out of his eyes, annoyed that he hadn't styled them again. He looked like a mushroom, that was probably the reason Hoseok turned away.

“I-” there was a grin as the black eyes settled on him, gaze travelling from his face to his neck, his arms and legs, he might have imagined it, but it definitely looked as if Hoseok was checking him out. “I really like ribbons.”

“I know,” he whispered before crossing the distance to the door and hugging it halfheartedly. He regretted escaping, but it wasn't the time for it. They weren't alone, they were themselves, Hyungwon was still the director and Hoseok was the actor. It had to be real, but there had to be a thin layer for safety, to allow him to let go the way the red-haired man wanted him to.

_That's why he needs the mask, it's an alternative reality. Succumbing to real desires in an imaginary relationship._

“I would love a coffee,” he spoke eventually and hoped it wasn't too obvious how tight his grip on the door was, knuckles turning white.

A breathtakingly beautiful smile was his reply as Hoseok jumped up and crossed the distance, leaning into his personal space and impersonating some cartoon character or something equally ridiculous by widening his eyes and opening his mouth in an ‘o’.

“Black like your soul? Or what was it, Mr.?” A playful grin and the red-haired man slid past him to the kitchen, letting him feel the hotness of his body while he brushed over his arm on his way.

It was the sweetest torture he had ever experienced and the worst was that he knew Hoseok could do so much better.

He followed the muscular man to the kitchen and leaned against the door, glancing towards the young man's friend who had just stopped talking on the phone. How Hyungwon had blocked out his undoubtedly unstoppable word-flow was a mystery. Hoseok must have distracted him.

“I hope I am not too much of a bother,” he commented and pursed his lips. It was Hoseok’s birthday, so the two must have had some plans, be it not seeing anybody or eating way too many snacks. At least that was how Hyungwon spent his birthdays.

“What? No! Hoseok is probably ridiculously happy, I told you- just yesterday he was-” The black-haired man couldn’t finish his sentence as Hoseok’s arm curled around him and shut him up smoothly.

“No. You’re not a bother. I’ll make you a coffee. Are you hungry too? We have pizza.” There was something that the other man whispered into his best friend’s ear before removing his hand and wincing while the black-haired man grinned in self-satisfaction. Hyungwon had no idea what it was about and he didn't have the balls to ask. It looked dangerous.

“I see, well- I won't stay for long. I'll accept the cup of coffee and then leave you to… whatever it is you do on your birthday.” Pizza sounded good, but it also sounded like too much, so he preferred to go home. His blood was still boiling and he doubted that it would stop any soon unless he returned home and indulged in self-love and his imagination. His life had gotten unnecessarily complicated. “Are you also very young, Minhyuk?”

“Me? I’m older than Hoseok, twenty-two. But we have lived together for almost four years now, he moved out when he was barely sixteen.” The black-haired man prepared to elaborate, but received a gaze from Hoseok that looked way too dangerous to continue. “Anyways, happy birthday,” he muttered and crossed his arms. “And we mostly talk and eat unhealthy stuff.”

“That sounds very much like me apart from the talking,” Hyungwon replied and shrugged. Hoseok didn't seem too fond of sharing personal information, but he could understand that. He hated doing that too, it removed the carefully constructed professional distance he was so fond off. It was what kept actors from propositioning him, at least some of them.

“Come over sometime, you can show us good movies and we will give you snacks.” Minhyuk gestured wildly while Hoseok handed him his black coffee without a comment. There was only a shy smile, the one he had seen when they first met.

“Maybe,” he replied, but knew pretty well that he wouldn't follow through. He rarely went anywhere apart from his walks along memory lane and apparently his actor's house to give him a birthday present. He inhaled the scent of coffee before taking a sip. It was decent.

They talked about this and that with Minhyuk leading the conversation and both of them stealing glances at each other that were everything but innocent until he was done with his coffee and called a cab.

“See you on set,” Hoseok murmured, leaning against the wall in the narrow hallway. “And thank you again for the present. I will use it well.”

Hyungwon licked over his lips once more, preparing himself to step outside and turning right when he reached the stairs, fighting with himself to say his last comment out loud.

“Can't wait to see,” he whispered before hurrying down to the exit and missing the way the red-haired man responded to it.

He had hoped that it would keep his mind free of the image that would have accompanied him home, but the effort hadn't been necessary.

His imagination did it all by itself.

***

 

He felt so damn close to combusting. He didn’t want to. He didn’t want to think about the director wearing a fucking mask. A mask only.

_That’s why you need to film again. This will bite you in the ass, it’s not how it usually goes. He is curious, but he doesn’t want to let go. He won’t let go and you won’t force him._

His decision had been a fast one when the agency called, voice disappointed in advance, thinking that he would decline again. He didn’t. Instead he scrolled through the pictures and agreed, hoping that he could concentrate, feel and act without having his head filled with images of the director. Why did the other man have to wear his mask, providing him with the image of the big brown eyes and thick lips uncovered and gorgeous while the rest was covered in red silk? Black. He wanted him to wear a black mask and nothing else.

“Did it get better?” Minhyuk asked, as he set up the lights, using the blue one that the director brought him, commenting that he was looking forward to Hoseok using it. This fucker.

_Does he know what he is doing to you?_

“It got worse. I’m dying,” he murmured and checked the settings on both cams, one of which Minhyuk had gifted him for his twentieth birthday. He had never felt like this before a filming.

_If you still feel like this when he’s right in front of you, you’ll have to stop._

“It’s- I guess a little understandable? He is extremely handsome, his face is- wow. And judging by his body, he might also magically integrate everything you like. I feel sorry for you. Sincerely.” His best friend brushed his bangs back and got his shoes, slipping them on and tying his shoelaces.

“But it’s no use, he’s- caught. It feels as if he is stretching out his finger for me to grab but pulls it back immediately, letting me touch it for a brief moment before there is nothing again. Maybe this is the reason for being like this, for thinking about him. I just need to remember what freedom feels like and forget about everything else.” Smiling, he pulled his mask out of the drawer.

“You’ll fuck up your working relationship and you need to concentrate on uni, Hoseok. I don’t want to act as your mom, but you have to be reasonable sometimes, okay? Film the fun, be careful not to show too much and forget about everything else in the meantime, okay?” The black hair disappeared behind the door and he occupied himself in the routine of camera settings and angles, preparation of the toys and other stuff he might need in addition to checking the bed that was perfectly made. The final step was looking at himself in the mirror as he tied the mask behind his head.

Suddenly the bell rang, even though he wasn't expecting it for another twenty minutes, but his partners sometimes came earlier, scared of being late. He smiled as he walked towards his door and pressed the key-button, ready to forget everything.

A few seconds passed until there was a careful knock on the door. It was hesitant at first, pausing after the initial contact with the wood until two more followed, more decisive this time. He felt his heart start pumping blood, ready to welcome the person behind it, to envelop and to create a perfect space to fall. Curling his fingers around the handle, he pushed it down and opened the door.

Instead of the boy with black hair and rosy cheeks he had seen on pictures, he was met with familiar plump lips, almost red in colour and chestnut brown eyes that darkened upon meeting his. It happened in a matter of seconds, brown giving in to the black of the iris that spread out. Hyungwon was dressed differently than usual, long legs covered in a pair of black jeans that didn't leave much to imagination and a loose, white silk shirt. As if the brown-haired man wanted to tempt him there was a big bow at his neck, resembling a choker.

_Fuck. Fuck, Hoseok._

He stared. Stared at the dark eyes, at the lips, the attire, heartbeat deafening in his ears. He had no idea what he was supposed to do in a situation like this.

“What- are you doing here?” he asked, fingers holding onto the handle like it was his saving grace.

The gorgeous man blinked slowly, lashes throwing pretty shadows on his cheeks and white teeth settling on his plump bottom lip, enhancing the contrast. Apart from the seconds during which Hyungwon blinked there was no interruption to the eye contact, as if Hyungwon didn't dare to look away, heartbeat visible at the spot where his collarbones met.

There was no reply, only a slow motion that he saw in the corner of his eye. The brown-haired man lifted his right hand, gradually reaching towards his face until Hoseok realized that he had been holding something. A black mask covered half of the beautiful man's face, leaving the intensity of his eyes and the indecisiveness of his lips. The silver lines and decorations emphasized the form of his face, the soft features and big eyes. It was the same mask, the same black silk mask that lay in his drawer, ready to be worn by someone who wanted to fly.

His chest rose and sank in an attempt to get more oxygen, to make sure it was really happening. His fingers uncurled and he opened the door wide. A smooth movement of his right arm and he had wrapped it around Hyungwon’s ridiculously slim waist, pulling him flush against his chest.

“Black is your colour,” he whispered against the red lips, eyes eating up the gorgeous features while holding the taller man as close as was possible, before he slammed the door shut.

“It is,” Hyungwon breathed out as he still held the mask to his face with one hand. His lips parted at the proximity and his left hand wrapped the loose, black ribbon of the mask around his index finger, watching him intently. “Will you… hold the rope as I jump, Hoseok?”

_You will do it all._

“There is nothing I would love more,” he whispered and lifted his hands, taking the beautiful black mask and placing it over Hyungwon’s gorgeous features carefully, before tying the ribbons behind his head, making sure that it wasn’t uncomfortable. “Give me a second.” Exhaling sharply, he stepped back and pulled his phone out of his pocket, dialing the last number and lifting his gaze to Hyungwon’s face. There were no words, he looked like everything Hoseok thought about for the past few weeks and he was finally getting something that he wanted for such a long time. A voice sounded on the other end of the line and he licked over his lips and said ‘Don’t come’ before hanging up. He didn’t care, the person on the other end of the line wasn’t inside his safe space and he had no responsibility. He had taken responsibility by putting the black mask on Hyungwon.

“Will you let me show you what flying feels like?” he asked, before stepping closer and exhaling against the other man’s parted lips. God, he wanted to taste them so badly.

The sudden gasp was music to his ears. It was echoed in the yearning he could see in Hyungwon's eyes, the way his body subconsciously moved closer like it had as little patience left as he did. Slim arms wrapped around his neck, pulling their bodies flush and a rough exhale brushed over his mouth.

“Do it,” the low voice murmured, bottom lips touching.

There was one last inhale as he watched the way Hyungwon’s pupil took over his iris before clashing their lips together. They felt so soft and warm, even though the skin that he could feel through the silk shirt was cool. He loved the mixed sensations and let his hands slip under the material, exploring the smooth skin, the tiny waist, the prominent spine. Shit, he wanted him. Hoseok wanted him so badly.

His lips caught a moan in response to the explorations of his hands as Hyungwon kissed back and sank his long fingers into the red strands of Hoseok’s hair. The taller man leaned into the embrace, reducing the height difference between them and making him seem shorter as he licked over his lips hungrily and let his eyes flutter shut behind the black mask.

The hallway was a shitty place for what he wanted to do to Hyungwon, so he walked backwards, pulling the taller man with him by the grip on his waist, until they stumbled into his bedroom. Everything was set but he knew too well that he wasn’t able to film. Not with him.

“I won’t film. You can do whatever you like here,” he whispered against those delicious lips and pushed Hyungwon on the bed, looking down at him, gaze sliding over his clothed body and impatient to see him without the fabric.

There was a soft nod, barely there as Hyungwon chewed on his lips and spread his legs a little, just enough to accommodate him.

“Touch me,” the beautiful man whispered and let his right hand travel over his own thigh upwards to his neck, where it stopped to pull at the bow, loosening it slowly. The movement ate his attention as he barely managed to remind himself of what Hyungwon had said. Smirking a little, he started unbuttoning his shirt and crawled on the bed slowly to making sure to see every twitch in the extremely attractive body under him. Once there were no buttons left, he let the fabric slide off his shoulders and fall down. His eyes were focused on what was visible under the mask, the big eyes and the plump, parted lips.

Hyungwon's hand was shaking a little when he suddenly lifted it to reach out for Hoseok’s chest, cool fingers sliding over his abdomen and travelling upwards along the line that led to the center of his collarbones. The gorgeous man was fascinated, every thought visible in his eyes and apparent through the irregular tremors that passed over his legs. Hyungwon was so responsive, gasping even though Hoseok hadn't touched him yet. He also didn’t know what he could and could not do, the options were wide open.

_Just go with the flow, let him decide for now._

He loved the reaction, and he showed his own without restriction, hissing at the feeling of the other man’s fingers stroking over his skin, especially when they brushed over a nipple or the outline of his collarbone. Hoseok almost rolled his eyes at how amazing it felt to finally be touched by the man he had been thinking about for such a long time. Instead, he returned his attention to Hyungwon. Propping himself up on one arm, he leaned down and kissed along the other man’s neck, right where he had loosened the bow. He used his teeth to undo it completely and nibbled on the revealed collarbone, one hand sliding under the silk shirt and exploring the slim body, the toned stomach and the hardened nipples. Hoseok wanted to see him naked.

His touches earned him a moan, low and loud. Hyungwon moved his head to the side to allow more access to his neck and trembled whenever his teeth lightly grazed the sensitive skin. A hand wrapped around his arm and responded by tightening its grip whenever he did something that the brown-haired man enjoyed. He could feel Hyungwon's lean muscles contract whenever he slid his fingers over them and heard the moans increase in intensity when he brushed over a nipple and nibbled on the gorgeous man's neck at the same time. Impatient, he unbuttoned the silk shirt, concentrating on how it revealed more and more of the gorgeous golden skin. Hoseok was so fucking lucky. Hyungwon was- everything he considered enticing. All of it.

“How can you be everything I find attractive?” he hissed and leaned down, sucking one of the gorgeous small nipples into his mouth as his hand moved over one of Hyungwon’s lean thighs. Nails dug into his shoulder as the gorgeous man moaned and pulled at his hair, inviting him to continue and litter his chest and body with his caresses. The thigh he stroked over lifted towards him in invitation before he felt it brush along his leg.

“I've been thinking about you,” the low voice whispered, lips parting to pronounce each word carefully as Hyungwon's eyes watched him attentively. “It felt like you were calling for me with... everything you did.” Another moan passed over his lips and he buried his fingers in Hoseok’s shoulder, pulling him closer to his body.

“Because I couldn’t think about anything else, I wanted to touch you and to taste you, have you melt on my tongue and against my body.” His mind was going places as he couldn’t get enough of Hyungwon’s golden skin under his lips before he bit into the other man’s neck lightly. The touches became more desperate in nature as Hyungwon's lips tried to meet his and his fingers slipped in between their bodies, brushing over the skin right above his jeans.

“Let me taste you first,” Hyungwon murmured and let his eyes flutter shut again before clashing their lips together and thrusting up against him. The motion resulted in a low moan as he let his body sink lower, giving the other man more friction and pushing him against the mattress, while Hoseok licked into his delicious mouth, catching himself at the thought that he didn’t want it to end.

“Do it,” he replied and watched the features under the black mask. There was so much desire in Hyungwon's eyes, like a glass under a bottle of whiskey that didn't stop pouring. Big hands grabbed his shoulders and applied strength to turn him around and let his back touch the soft sheets as the gorgeous man climbed on top of him, straddling his lap. He could see the increased respirations and how affected Hyungwon was in his motions, thighs tightening around him and hands shivering as they roamed his body.

“You’re finally where you belong,” he whispered as he stroked over Hyungwon’s clothed thighs, brushing over his groin and feeling how excited he was. There was a twitch in the right corner of Hyungwon's mouth that transformed into a grin as the slim man rolled his hips on top of him, smooth and right over his groin.

_He’s fucking gorgeous, Hoseok._

Damn it. Hyungwon wasn’t the typical submissive baby boy he usually went for, or that went for him, but he loved it. He loved it so much. Grinning back he grabbed the other man’s slim hips and rolled him over his erection, thrusting up a little and moaning loudly, before lifting his upper body and going directly for those sinful lips. Shit, it was different. So different.

“Fuck, do that again,” Hyungwon breathed out and wrapped his arms around his neck. His grip was loose as he used most of his strength to push his slim hips down on Hoseok’s lap, moaning into his mouth.

“You can have it all, babe,” he hissed and repeated the motion, biting into the other man’s neck and groaning at how the friction made him go crazy.

There was a sound that resembled a whimper as one arm disappeared from around his neck. The hand travelled down his naked chest and rubbed over a nipple, but instead of continuing over his waistband Hyungwon unbuttoned his own jeans, slipping under the tight fabric, bringing forth a loud moan that echoed off the walls.

“Shit,” the beautiful man cursed again and narrowed his thighs around Hoseok’s body, squeezing him. He was dazzling in his motions and the way his plump mouth parted, just to release another moan, another hiss, he wanted to hear more, way more.

“Let me taste you,” he whispered next to the small and cutely curled ear, hands roaming over the gorgeous body. Hoseok wanted him naked. “I want to see how you look in only a mask.”

Again there was a smile as Hyungwon paused the motions of his hand and lifted up from Hoseok’s lap, enough to tower above him and brush his clothed erection over his chest. Dark eyes watched him intently as the other man's long fingers pulled down the zipper. Stroking over his thighs, his thumbs dug under the waistband of his underwear, pulling it down just enough to reveal a prominent hip bone.

“More?” he asked and licked over his lips, mouth remaining open for the soft moans that left it repeatedly. Being watched visibly aroused him, chest rising and falling quicker the longer Hoseok stared at him.

“Mhm,” he hummed as he traced the gorgeous hipbone with his index finger. “Everything.”

There was a twitch against his abdomen, a sign that Hyungwon enjoyed his voice, responding to it without any other stimulation. The brown-haired man nodded and continued to pull his pants and underwear lower until he slipped down from his lap and removed them completely. Throwing the clothes to the side, he climbed right back on top of him, hot erection pressing against his stomach. Hyungwon was stunning, long arms and legs, lean stomach and a tiny waist, straight erection that he couldn't wait to taste and an insane responsiveness that made him wonder how much more intense it could get. The older man must have shaved just before, skin hairless and perfectly smooth.

He watched, smirking a few times at the ragged breaths that he enjoyed beyond belief, before he turned them, attaching his lips to the golden body under him, sucking on Hyungwon's skin and tracing his hip bones with his hot tongue until he finally settled between the other man's legs, watching him intently from under his mask.

“God, yes,” Hyungwon moaned and threw his head back, erection twitching in his face and long fingers disappearing in the white sheets. The gorgeous man's knuckles were white from how tightly he held on while his thighs trembled in anticipation. A gorgeous leg lifted up and landed on his shoulder and he felt the other man's heel push down between his shoulder blades, attempting to have him closer. Hyungwon was much more eager than he had let on, mouth open and dark eyes wide. There were no words to describe how much he loved it.

Blowing air against the tip, he curled his hand around the base and closed his lips around it, licking and sucking in succession. He tasted just like Hoseok imagined, clean and smelling like some expensive soap. He could've sucked him off for ages.

“Fucking hell,” Hyungwon cursed before throwing his other leg over Hoseok’s shoulder and flexing his thighs each time he sucked on the tip because it felt so good. The brown-haired man pulled at the sheets to remain in place and thrust into his mouth impatiently, moaning loudly and without restraint. Whenever he sucked his way up the gorgeous man whimpered, twitching in his mouth and shaking from the intensity. “Give me- give me more.”

“Later, first I want to taste more of you” he replied as he let the other man's gorgeous erection slip out of his mouth and continued by biting into his left thigh, before bending Hyungwon a tiny bit and licking over his entrance. The videos that the beautiful man had watched contained a lot more, so he assumed that it was okay.

The whimper and the obvious way the other man's entrance convulsed at the brief touch of his tongue was confirmation as Hyungwon cursed quietly and whimpered into the palm that he pressed to his mouth, toes curling.

“Shit, you're gorgeous, what am I going to do?” He smiled and grabbed Hyungwon's hips tighter, pulling him against his face. His tongue circled the other man's entrance, applying more and more pressure.

“Mm, fuck me with your tongue, god, fuck me with your tongue, Hoseok,” the brown-haired man suddenly muttered against his palm desperately and threw his head from side to side, muscles contracting and hips attempting to get closer. Hyungwon's eyes were tightly shut as his body basked in the preview of the pleasure that was to come. “Fucking do it- do it.”

The eagerness sent another wave of desire through his body, making him twitch against the jeans that he was still wearing,  it felt crazy and he was thankful that he didn't film it because he knew all too well that he would watch the footage over and over again, going crazy until there were no thoughts inside his head.

“Shh, you can have it all, but later,” he murmured before biting into Hyungwon's right thigh. He enjoyed the whimpers and the desperate attempts to make him do it. He wanted to, but he held back for a few more seconds before finally pulling the slim hips into his face and pushing his tongue inside the tight body.

Hyungwon yelled, low and loud as his body contracted and he buried his hands in Hoseok’s thighs instead of the sheets, whimpering right after and attempting to catch his breath. His erection twitched again and he caressed the spots that bore the half-moon-formed indents of his nails, as if in apology before gasping for air again.

“Shit, again, give it to me,” the gorgeous man moaned and lifted his legs a little higher.

“Your reactions make me want to play with you for hours, teasing you until you lose your mind,” he whispered before repeating the motion, but this time he kept moving, faster, listening to the sounds the stunning brown-haired man was making.

“Don't you-” Hyungwon began but gasped in between. His hair rubbed over the sheets from the way he kept throwing his head from side to side, struggling to speak as his hands dug into Hoseok’s thighs again, pulling him closer. “Don't you dare- tease me, Hoseok. I'll- I'll combust.”

“You might, but I also might, you're torturing me,” he hissed and leaned back, watching how eager and responsive Hyungwon was, how blush covered his face and spread down to his neck, how his hands shook and how red his lips were. Hoseok wanted him.

“I- I want you to grab my hair and fuck my mouth,” Hyungwon blurted out suddenly, teeth settling on his lips in hesitation and eyes wide.

_Fuck yes._

“Come here and undress me,” he whispered, pulling the other man up to his knees after grabbing both arms. His lips looked so red, tasty, he couldn't help it and licked over them. He was rewarded with a whimper and an eager tongue that met his as Hyungwon's fingers made quick work of his jeans, unbuttoning them and pulling down the zipper. When their lips separated, the slim man began to kiss along his neck and nibble on his collarbones. His plump lips closed around his nipple and sucked harshly while long fingers slipped into his underwear and wrapped around him.

“Oh fuck,” Hyungwon hissed against his skin and rubbed his thumb over his tip before pulling his jeans and underwear down at the same time. He didn't even finish, leaving them around Hoseok’s thighs, before a hot tongue licked over his tip.

“Do you like how it feels?” he asked after moaning at the tongue that felt so fucking good. How many times did he think about Hyungwon touching him? He couldn't remember, but he wanted more. More of him.

“I like how it tastes even more,” the beautiful man exhaled against his dick and began to draw circles around his slit with his tongue before dipping it in. His hands were rubbing over his hips, digging into them when he finally closed his lips around Hoseok’s tip and sucked before letting go.

“I want you to- fuck my mouth,” Hyungwon breathed out and looked up, eyes almost black and body trembling from arousal.

“You're going to be the death of me,” he whispered as his hand curled into the brown hair and his gaze focused on the almost black eyes that were looking up at him.

And just like that, danger entered his safe place and made it it's own.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 19th of April at 2 PM CET.  
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The calmness that assured him, after days of unquenched desires and yearning, took him by surprise. It was like a tsunami that collapsed in on itself instead of reaching the shore, stopping in the middle only because of a single thought in his mind.

_Your decision to go through with it._

Hyungwon felt calm and collected as he spent an hour identifying every mask shop in Vienna and another two to visit the three that were closest to Hoseok until he found the black mask he had been looking for, the same silky texture and silver decorations. It was all carefully planned. He moved from one action to the next, following invisible instructions that told him how to reach his goal, an alternative reality in which he could let go.

Why did he want it so much? It must have been related to the difference between Hoseok’s abilities to focus on what was around him and Hyungwon’s infatuation with his own thoughts and experiences. Breaking from them required a place where he wasn’t himself and nobody had offered him such a sanctuary before. Nobody apart from the red-haired man when he told him it was a safe place while kneeling naked in front of him.

_You believed him._

He found himself comparing his calmness and calculated steps with those of a murderer. Of course he had no such intentions, but was it the same sudden smoothness and tranquility that had taken over his mind? The decision was the trigger. It happened as soon as he knew that he was going to do it, that he was going to buy a mask and go to Hoseok’s place, ask him to treat him like everybody who had worn the mask before him. Maybe he was killing something, his connection with himself that he wanted to severe so badly, at least for a few extended moments.

Only when he had been standing in front of the wooden door on top of the stairs did the adrenaline return, rushing through his veins and blurring his vision for a few seconds. He had paused because meeting Hoseok had been the moment at which it didn’t matter anymore how prepared he was, whether he had executed every step correctly. The red-haired man’s reactions were not his to predict, not with how quickly they were able to switch and burn him down.

It had felt like fate when instead of the expressive face and big eyes that he had expected, he was met with a red mask and black eyes that spoke of mystery and opportunities upon meeting his. There had been no hesitation left then, he knew what he wanted and it was too late to go back. Hyungwon didn’t want to go back.

The mask had said enough, adjusted to fit his features perfectly because he wanted it to be his, the way the red mask was the other man’s. It had to be perfect and it finally was when hot, muscular arms wrapped around him and enabled him to forget himself for as long as their lips were touching.

It wasn’t quite complete yet, Hyungwon knew that Hoseok was capable of so much more, but he was exploring it like a child, taking slow steps into a space and an experience he wasn’t familiar with. The motions were familiar, but everything else wasn't. The way he responded with much more intensity than he usually did, the trembles that passed through his legs and the exhilaration that elevated as soon as his tongue licked over the tip of the beautiful man’s erection. It was thick and hot, a little heavy when he let it rest on his tongue and he liked it. He hadn’t been able to hold back a breathy ‘oh fuck’ when he felt it for the first time.

But he was still too aware of what he was doing, able to think and calculate, to be concerned about his desires and the way the red-haired man reacted to them. He didn’t want to, he wanted to free fall, barely aware of the rope.

Leaning back, he buried his hands in the soft sheets and met Hoseok’s black eyes, inhaling sharply at everything they promised. He hesitated for only a second, body shaking with need as he spoke.

“I want you to- fuck my mouth.”

A whimper left his lips when a strong hand entangled in the strands of his hair, grabbing a fistful and tilting his head back. His lips parted at the sensation and he could hear himself pant, lust surging and erection twitching at the motion. He hadn’t been aware of enjoying roughness before, but there was no point in denying it. The black eyes that still observed him intently made him want to melt and forget himself, give Hoseok regency over his body.

He couldn't see it as Hoseok's grip only allowed him to see the other man's eyes, but he could feel the hot tip sliding over his bottom lip, soft and velvety before the red-haired man pushed himself into his mouth, moaning in his gorgeous, low voice, eyes not leaving him, not even for a second.

It felt intense because he wasn’t the one controlling the motions, it was the man in the mask, controlling his body but remaining fully aware of his state, the way he responded and the moan that vibrated along the length between his lips. It was then that Hyungwon wondered if the sensation he felt was what Hoseok had meant by calling it a safe place, somewhere he could give up his control by following the tugs on his hair and at the same time feel taken care of, protected even. It was crazy.

Hoseok experimented first before developing a steady pace, it seemed as if the masked man was attuned to his response and gave him precisely the amount of roughness and stimulation he needed without crossing the border of making it uncomfortable. He made sure to not push himself inside completely due to his size, but the tears still collected in the corners of his eyes before it suddenly stopped and a red mask appeared in his vision.

“I want you,” the low voice spoke to him while the other man's hand still held his hair in a tight grip.

His breaths were ragged and he licked over his throbbing lips, suddenly and exquisitely aware of the the way his erection pulsated between his legs and goosebumps spread over his skin. It must have been a reaction to Hoseok’s voice, low and dangerous.

“Show me how much,” he breathed back and leaned his head into the touch. His hands reached out to caress the scratches he had left on Hoseok’s thighs, following the red lines with his fingertips.

“I have so many things here to drive you crazy for hours, but I'm so fucking greedy that I just want to feel you around me.” A smirk spread the red, curved lips as the black eyes observed him like the ultimate object of desire. “Lie down there and spread your legs for me,” the red-haired man commanded before leaning in and licking over his lips hungrily.

Hyungwon kissed back eagerly and pulled Hoseok’s bottom lip into his mouth, enjoying its texture and the curve, tasting it with his tongue. A grin spread his cheeks as he remembered the way most men had reacted to his body and lay down on the soft sheets. He wrapped his hands around his thighs and pulled them up while spreading his legs, eyes focused on the change of expression on the red-haired man’s face. It was gorgeous.

‘Fuck’ Hoseok whispered to himself before getting rid of his pants and underwear and crawling on the bed. Black eyes were eating him up before teeth sunk into his calf and nibbled along it. “Do you want me to prepare you or- do you like it like without?” There was something inherently sensual in the way Hoseok moved his body, how smooth and fluid his motions were and how well they integrated with the look in his eyes, his curved lips, the tilt of his head.

“I prepared myself,” Hyungwon replied quietly and broke the eye contact to avoid the small spurt of embarrassment that took over. He hadn’t seen Hoseok prepare many boys in his videos, so he had assumed it was mostly taken care of beforehand.

“Mhm… good boy,” Hoseok purred against his thigh before preparing. “Although I would've loved to feel you around my fingers too.” Another rush of blood moved south at the praise and Hyungwon had to catch himself not to express the surprise at his own response to being called a good boy. It wasn’t really applicable to him as a person, but the way Hoseok said it made it seem like something worth aspiring to.

“You can try,” Hyungwon purred back and licked over his lips to contain the grin that pulled at the corners of his mouth. “But it might take away a little bit of the surprise. I've made people faint before.”

“Oh, you're challenging me? Intriguing. I hope I'll have the opportunity to pay it all back later.” Hoseok grinned back and lubed up his huge erection after rolling a condom over it. “I really want to hear what kind of sounds you can make.”

“Come in and find out,” Hyungwon whispered and bit down on his bottom lip as adrenaline announced how excited he was and how much he wanted to feel Hoseok inside of him. He had imagined it countless times, playing with himself and covering his own hand in his release. It was going to be different now. His thighs shook and he flexed them to contain it, but it was futile.

“Shit, you're perfect,” Hoseok hissed and licked over his lips before crawling closer and lining up. Before he knew it, his legs were thrown over the other man's muscular shoulders and he felt the warm, wet tip circling around his entrance, teasing him as Hoseok's mouth spread in a familiar smirk.

Hyungwon felt a burst of desperation in his limbs and almost slapped the younger man’s shoulder, but contained himself in time. He inhaled sharply and kept the air in his lungs. There was no way that Hoseok could continue teasing him forever, so he dug the heels of his feet into the broad back and attempted to push his hips forward, lips pressed together to hide how much he actually wanted him. Damn it, the other man knew exactly what he was doing.

“You know- those videos you watched. They're edited really nicely, one video ends up being about forty minutes long, instead of the over two hours of footage that it actually is.” Another smirk passed the curved lips before Hoseok sunk his teeth into his thigh.

Hyungwon moaned loudly and his eyes widened involuntarily at the implications. The masked man above him was hinting that he could tease him for hours, much longer than he had expected him to. His lips pressed together again and he exhaled roughly through his nose. His body was still shaking, showing his state like a cue sheet.

_He's merely trying to provoke you, to make you crack first._

“Why would you deny yourself though?” he replied and spread his legs a little more. The mask on his face made confidence easier, like he could say everything on his mind and provoke the younger man back if he wanted to. His right hand reached out to rub over Hoseok’s nipple, stimulating it. He remembered that the red-haired man was sensitive.

“Because I don't want it to end,” Hoseok whispered and hissed at his ministrations. A few seconds passed before he felt more pressure and the other man finally entered him.

He cursed, muttering nonsensical words under his breath at the unfamiliar breech and the sheer thickness of the other man's erection.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he moaned and buried his nails in the red-haired man's shoulders. He hadn't planned on hurting him, but his imagination hadn't prepared him for how damn thick Hoseok was. He squeezed his eyes shut and willed his body to relax. His teeth chewed on his lips mercilessly as he focused on the way the red-haired man slowly filled him out.

Hoseok looked overwhelmed, breathing heavily and eyes fluttering shut. A sharp exhale followed before the black eyes finally met his. Leaning to the side, Hoseok kissed his calf, hips moving a bit back before moving forward and bridging more distance, until their skin touched and the other man let out a breathy moan.

“Do you- do you like it?” Hyungwon gasped, too dizzy to watch the other man's face and be able to find out himself. He wanted to wrap his limbs around Hoseok’s muscular body and forget himself, be reduced to the pleasure that centered in his groin and only increased with the additional fullness. It felt really good and Hyungwon barely remembered the last time he had somebody inside of him.

”It feels as if someone spilled gasoline all over my body and I didn't know. Until you came with a lit match, throwing it at me.” It seemed as if Hoseok had trouble speaking, tongue licking over the red lips and hands shaking a little bit against his hips. “Is it okay for you?”

_He likes it, let’s see how far you can go, Hyungwon._

“I want to jump off but you're still holding on tightly,” he whispered back and contracted around the other man. The stretch was exquisite, but he was still able to think and he didn't want to. He wanted to close his eyes and jump, just the way Hoseok had promised. “Set me on fire too.”

“Spread your wings, Hyungwon.” A few ragged breaths, a dark gaze and Hoseok moved, first sensual, slow, testing out and letting him accommodate to his size, before it got hot, overwhelming, lips and teeth against his skin, strong hands holding him in place and the sparks of pleasure that hinted at how he was going to burn if Hoseok decided to finally bless him with everything. It was teasing. It definitely was.

_He could give you more, but he isn't yet._

“H- Hoseok,” he moaned, unable to say anything else and let his fingers sink into the younger man's red hair. He pulled at it in the hope to feel more, to be blessed with rougher thrusts. His body was shaking from pleasure and stimulation and he couldn't believe how easily Hoseok figured out his body, perfectly aware of what he needed and how to give it to him. His feet dug into the red-haired man's back and his eyes stayed wide open to watch the red mask. “Fuck me harder, come on.”

“Mhm, I really want to,” the low voice moaned into his ear as Hoseok's red hair tickled his neck and chest, sensation of hot lips and tongue travelling over his skin in addition to Hoseok's hands that couldn't get enough of his waist. “Do you want me to aim a tiny bit higher? Just a little bit?” There was a fluid hip roll and pleasure turned his vision white for a split second. “I also want to take you on all fours, I want to take you while standing, I want you to sit on me, to tie you up, play with you, I want to do all of it, everything.”

_Please._

Hyungwon whimpered and nodded furiously while attempting to meet every thrust, muscles tensing in his abdomen at the effort. Sweat developed on his forehead and rolled down, a sign of how much he tried to have all of Hoseok but only got a little taste, a hint of what could be.

“You tease,” he whispered and hit his heels against Hoseok’s back in frustration as the images filled his head. There was so much the gorgeous man in the red mask could do to him. It was all his to have as long as a black mask covered his face, but the red-haired man denied him the pleasure. He barely contained the loud moans that passed his lips. “You know exactly how much I want you, you can see it in my eyes and in the way my body trembles. Make it yours, Hoseok.”

“I know- I could watch you for hours but I don't have footage, so I need to pay attention to you closely now that you're here,” the other man whispered and closed his lips around his nipple, playing with it before a barely audible sigh passed Hoseok's red curved lips. He could feel it against his skin. “But you're here, so I should make you fly as much as I can, Hyungwon.” Again, there were dark eyes before the grip on his hips tightened and Hoseok slammed his body into him, pulling him higher, biting into his calves and groaning in ecstasy.

Hyungwon straight out screamed, sound echoing off the walls and inside his own head. His vision turned white and he buried his nails into whatever was closest to keep his grip, half out of his mind. His whole body trembled and his groin felt on the verge of exploding, throbbing with a desire for more. To be filled out again, manhandled and thrust into roughly. It felt so fucking good that he wasn't able to express it, screaming instead.

“On your stomach.” Again there was the deep voice, before he felt empty, so empty. He must've moved too slow for Hoseok's liking, so he simply turned him like a doll and settled on top of him, filling him out again and breathing heavily right into his ear.

“This should feel even better.”

“Oh my god, yes,” he muttered until his ability to speak was taken from him again and he buried his hands in the sheets, pushing back against Hoseok’s hot body. It felt so fucking good, he didn't want it to end. He wanted the red-haired man to grab him with firm hands and let him see stars until he lost it. Fuck.

Hoseok stopped the motions of his hips and sank on top of him, teeth nibbling on his shoulder and neck. He could feel the other man's hot muscular thighs on each side of his hips and how he moved his hips in circles while burying himself deep inside him, brushing over the sensitive spot repeatedly. It was torture, pure torture.

“You're- you're so fucking thick, shit-” he cursed and buried his face in the soft sheets, chest rising and falling quickly while his body continuously screamed at him to move and feel more of it. He loved the way Hoseok filled him out, how he was barely able to move when their bodies were connected. He bit down on his bottom lip and contracted around the muscular man, hoping to pay back for pausing right when he was beginning to grasp salvation.

He was rewarded with a gasp and he felt fingers curl into his hair and pull, followed by the sharp sensation of teeth combined with an intensely precise thrust, raw and rough. Hoseok groaned.

“Fuck me,” Hyungwon almost yelled, much louder than before as his dick twitched at the tugs on his hair and he contracted again. The combination drove him fucking mad. He wasn't sure what he was doing anymore apart from holding onto the sheets, enjoying the slight pain on his scalp and pulsating around the red-haired man's erection. He couldn't think anymore, he could only feel, too much. “Fuck me, Hoseok, fuck me.”

His words forced another low groan from Hoseok's lips before the gorgeous man finally complied, keeping his fingers in his hair and slamming his hips into him. The sensations of hot skin, pleasure, friction, slight pain and the arousing low voice that kept whispering into his ear combined into a giant wrecking ball. Hoseok was driving him crazy, with what he said, with what he did, with how he touched him while moving inside him, enveloping him with his body like a safe haven.

Hyungwon was shaking uncontrollably from the onslaught but it didn't matter, not with how tightly the other man was holding onto him, keeping him still while he fucked him into oblivion.

“I- I don't even care if you- break me,” he murmured helplessly as Hoseok kept moving inside of him roughly and turning is vision white. A few more thrusts and bursts of intoxicating pleasure were sufficient to have him covering the sheets in his release and screaming loudly, enough to feel the vibrations in his throat when he stopped. Fuck.

“Why would I break you? You're fucking perfect,” Hoseok hissed as he continued moving before he felt the other man's thick length twitch inside him repeatedly and Hoseok released himself, sinking lower on top of him, making him feel his weight and hear his rapid breaths.

Hyungwon contracted around him on purpose and tried to catch his breath, vision still blurry as he tried to recover from his intense orgasm. It was crazy and way more than he had expected. His body still burned with residual arousal and his face was hot.

“I'm heavy, right?” Hoseok asked into his ear and he could hear a smile and felt a warm kiss against his neck.

“You're just right,” he answered, voice absolutely wrecked as he ignored the fact that he was wearing a mask and buried his face in the sheets again. He was sensitive after orgasm and Hoseok was thick enough to get him going with a single twitch, so he tried not to move. Chuckling, Hoseok continued littering his neck and shoulders with kisses, stroking over the curve of his waist and propping himself up on one arm to not squeeze him. “Let me take care of you,” the low voice whispered and he felt the thickness disappear, leaving emptiness behind. It didn't take long before he felt something cool and wet wiping over his behind. “You have to turn around.”

Hyungwon felt confused by the attention Hoseok put into taking care of him after orgasm and he honestly would prefer to lie around and not move until strength finally returned to him. There was no strength to be found yet, so he didn't move.

“I don't want to,” he grumbled and buried his face deeper in the sheets, hands strategically placed at his ears to reduce noise. Reality was getting pretty loud suddenly, much louder than his thoughts.

Another chuckle and the mattress gave out next to him as he felt a hot palm on his lower back and was covered by a blanket. The warm hand travelled over his spine carefully and the other man's hair tickled his shoulder along with the tingling sensation of lips against it.

“Okay.”

“That's nice though, you can continue with that,” he replied and moved a little closer towards the pleasant sensation. It was also not really what he was used to, but it was definitely welcome. He rubbed his cheek over the soft pillow and hummed at the touches. “You can add a massage if you're up for it, my thighs feel like I ran a marathon.”

“Can relate. I’m sweating as if I ran one too,” Hoseok commented. “I have no regrets.” The warm hand continued its path downwards over the curve of his butt and finally reaching his thighs, strong fingers loosening his sore muscles.

_Perfect._

It felt so good that he hummed again, legs spreading almost automatically. He didn't care whether it sounded like he was purring or not. It felt amazing and he had endured enough adrenaline and indecisiveness before finally coming to the red-haired man. It had been worth it, definitely, but now he was tired.

_You experienced a different kind of reality, escaped your thoughts just like you wanted to. Now you can return to art and memories._

 The caresses continued and Hoseok didn't say anything anymore, there were only hot lips against his shoulder and the warm hand travelling along his tired body.

His eyes remained shut and he listened to the sound of his heart, getting slower and slower as his limbs continuously got heavier. Wanting to film a movie about a mask was the last thought on his mind until the darkness took over all of his senses.

 

***

_He's asleep._

This had never happened before. A lot of things had never happened before, no teasing, no playing for hours and no dominance games, at least not really. There was just him trying to hold Hyungwon's rope and not let go of his own. After the other man refused to clean up, he lay next to him and enjoyed the warmth of his usually cool skin until he had asked something and didn't receive an answer. Hoseok didn't want to wake him up, but he needed to at least remove the cameras and tell Minhyuk to stay a little longer at his boyfriend's house. They had planned to cook together, so he hoped that it was okay.

_But still you need to write him._

Suddenly Hyungwon's ‘I don't want to’ seemed very relatable to him. He also wanted to fall asleep next to the other man's gorgeous warm body and not be forced to go anywhere or do anything.

_You have to keep the mask on until he takes off his. It's a rule._

Cursing quietly at the prospect of having to make calls and do household chores while wearing a Victorian style mask, he removed his hand that rested on Hyungwon's gorgeous behind and crawled out from under his warm and cosy blanket, longing gaze still lingering on the other man's stunning features. He couldn't believe that he had come to him.

_And he bought a mask. He bought one, Hoseok. The same one you have._

He had no brain cells left to elaborate on what it meant, so he slipped into his underwear and jeans and took a bunny sticky note from his desk.

‘I hope that you had a nice sleep. I'm probably running around somewhere in the house, or if you're sleeping really well, I went to meet Minhyuk. Don't hesitate to take anything you might need. Hoseok,’ he wrote and put it on the pile of clothes that he placed on the chair next to the bed.

_Won't it be weird if he wakes up and you're gone?_

The other man would've probably been more uncomfortable if he was there.

_Probably._

_

 

“Since when do you let them scratch?” Minhyuk raised one eyebrow, watching him while he tried to change quickly to be on time for filming. His professor had given him another lecture about wanting to see ‘his core’ when he acts. It was frustrating, he had no idea what they meant by that.

_It simply ruins your mood, nothing else._

“I don't,” was his low reply as the fabric covered the deep red lines on his shoulders and sides. Hoseok liked them, they kept reminding him of Hyungwon, of how the other man looked under him, delirious and asking him to make him fly. Just that they started to fade slowly, every day it was a little less and it seemed as if the reality of what happened slipped away just like his skin renewed itself.

“Uhm- what's the matter, Hoseok? You're being weird. And there's no video. I wanted to see whether the guy was weird, like the one guy who tried to take off your mask a year ago. Did he try to take it off?” His persistent friend stepped closer and examined his face intently, right after bringing back uncomfortable memories.

_He knows so well how much you hate talking about it, but he still does._

“No, he didn't. We just couldn't film that's why there's no video. Why would you mention that? The agency always gives them instructions what they can do and what's included and how it works.” Sighing, he ruffled up his hair. He hated that he had to move, to go somewhere, he wanted to curl up in his blanket and listen to silence until his eyes closed. “I'm just- I'm just really tired, I have the feeling everybody imagines this ‘something’ in me, and all of them are here, staring at me in expectation, waiting for it to magically appear, no matter at uni, or on set. The thing is, it doesn't. Because it's not there. It's not and it would be really nice if people would stop expecting it. There is nothing.” Throwing his clothes on the chair, he took his bag and walked towards the front door. “I want to be left alone,” he murmured and slammed it behind himself.

_

Everything was the same, the set was the same, the actors trying their best to finish their scenes, the director's voice giving instructions and the noisy, stressful atmosphere. It was lunchtime and he hid behind the main dressing room, a place where no-one had managed to find him yet. It was a dark corner with extra props, additional lights and screens leaning against the walls and creating pretty shadows.

He sat on the floor and put on his noise cancelling headphones that he bought with his first paycheck from filming. His eyes closed and he enjoyed how the noises suddenly appeared like part of a film, so far away from everything and from him.

There was a tap on his shoulder, coming out of nowhere and his eyes met a pair of big brown ones, staring at him intently. The director said something, lips moving, but he couldn't tell what. He got startled, eyes widening, and ripped his headphones from his head.

“Sorry?”

“I said that I've been looking for you,” the brown-haired man replied and pursed his lips, observing him carefully. “You look like you hate everybody.”

_Now he knows this place too._

“What? No- I just wanted to listen to silence for a bit. Is something the matter? I thought it was lunch time, or not?” He glanced at his watch again, making sure that he wasn't mistaken. The director and him hadn't talked since they had been close, not really at least. There had been nothing apart from ‘I need you to show this’ or ‘Let us do another close-up of that’.

_But there is also nothing to talk about, is there?_

“I wanted to ask you if you are fine with changing up the scenes that we film. Instead of doing your argument with your brother I want to film another scene with Marlene. George had a family emergency and had to leave just now. Would you be fine with that? I want to do scene 15, the one in which she unbuttons your shirt but you have a flashback.” The older man spoke clearly and matter-of-factly as usual, eyes remaining focused and expression static.

“Sure,” he muttered and got up from the floor, brushing the dirt from his butt. “Now?”

“No- you can still eat of course.” The director's gaze switched to his hands as if to check whether he was actually eating. “I merely wanted to have your agreement before setting everything up, otherwise all of us would be wasting our time. The make-up team will take care of you once the lunch break is over.”

The brown-haired man stood up again and stared at him for a few more moments, lips pressed together.

“I'll go for a walk then. I'll be back in fifteen minutes.” He avoided looking at the handsome man, his face must be especially obvious in showing what he thought, there was no need to emphasize it by the look in his eyes.

“Hoseok- you don't need to leave just because I found you. If you- if you want to, I'll make sure you have your peace. You can also use my office if you would like to be on your own. It's difficult on set, but we try.” There was a smile, then the director reached out and brushed over his shoulder. His hand weighed almost nothing and slipped down to his upper arm. “Can I help you somehow?”

_There he goes with his responsibility._

It was nice, it really was. The director always made sure to take care of everyone on set, asking questions and providing practical solutions for arising problems.

_But he doesn't have a solution for your problem._

Smiling in reassurance, he shook his head and ruffled up his freshly dyed hair.

“It's fine. I'm not going because you found me, I'm going because fresh air might be a good idea in general. You don't need to worry. Not about me.”

There was a hum of agreement but the fingers remained wrapped around his arm.

“You look like you are doing the one thing I am particularly good at, being preoccupied by your thoughts. I wish it was an Olympic sport, I might win the gold medal.” The tall man grinned and squeezed his arm once more before suddenly wrapping the other around his neck and pulling him into a tight embrace.

_What? What is happening?_

He was so taken aback that he froze for a few long seconds, eyes widening and lips parting to suck in oxygen. Why did the director hug him? Sure, one could say that they had been much closer before, but it was different. He was different, Hyungwon was different, it seemed as if time and space shifted accidentally.

“I-” he murmured, unsure what to say. “I'm sorry that you can see it.”

“That's not something you should apologize for,” the low voice murmured above him, breaths tickling the spot where they hit his hair. “Try to focus on the outside again, what's around you, the smells, sounds, impressions. Your thoughts are mostly in the past. At least that is what I try to tell myself.” The embrace tightened and Hoseok felt the brown-haired man press him flush against his skinny chest, face buried in the crook of his slender neck. A shudder passed through his body as his hands curled around his slim waist automatically. It was simply weird to stay motionless in an embrace, like a tree.

“My thoughts are not in the past. My thoughts are like a grey rain cloud, settling on top of the present I'm living in and forcing me to look up. To see the rain and to see how big it is, that there's no escape because it stretches out as far as I can see. I can smell that you drank black coffee and that your hotel always uses the same detergent to wash your clothes, I can hear the sounds and see the things, it just- loses its colours?” he murmured against the other man's warm skin. “Just forget what I said.”

“Why would I? It matters.” The slim man was warmer than he had been before, probably because he hadn't left the set. His hands felt big on his shoulders and back. “It's interesting that you describe it as a loss of colours. The French word for sad, triste, has a similar word in German, at least so I have been told. If I'm not mistaken it means ‘plain’, possibly even ‘colorless’. That grey cloud of yours, what made it expand so much and cover the sky for you?”

_It didn't expand. What is this drama? Here you are, in the corner, hugging the director while he gives you life advice instead of filming the movie like you should be doing._

“It's always there. I just prefer to not look up, but look around instead. Or I distract myself. Don't worry- it's nothing major, just me trying to hide my face for a bit.” He smiled and stepped back, glancing at his watch. The lunch break was over. “I'll hurry up and get the make-up done.”

It would've been nice if makeup could have covered everything.

 

***

Hyungwon was familiar with the face of misery and disappointment. It was the first expression he had seen on the red-haired boy when he arrived for filming, mind occupied somewhere else, in a place they weren't able to reach him, not yet. It reminded him of himself a lot, the way he kept his head in the clouds and forgot about what happened around him, that changes were possible and occured all by themselves sometimes.

_Other times they needed a little push._

He had embraced Hoseok because it felt appropriate. Not for their relationship, but for their situation. An embrace could distract and calm a person down, but it could also be a reminder of something unpleasant. He hoped that it was the first for the younger man and attempted to forget that it was the second for him.

His mind was also distracted, returning to his thoughts and established reality on set after his escape from it. It wasn't difficult to be himself, keep distance the way he always did and focus on filming, but the change in Hoseok’s eyes worried him.

_His concerns don't seem to be something you have access to._

The scenes had to be right, that was his main concern and as long as Hoseok was able to put a different face over his own, act as somebody else, it was okay. Only the fact that the red-haired man was much closer to the core of Benjamin than he liked to show remained on Hyungwon's mind.

_You are turning your experience with him into another memory, something you will hide away from reality and recreate in art._

Marlene's loud exclamation of ‘holy shit’’  caught his attention. It stemmed from the make-up room and he panicked for a brief moment as he rushed over, worried that she or somebody else had been hurt.

Instead his eyes fell on Hoseok’s broad back and his exposed shoulders, covered in fading red lines and scratches.

“Who was that? Wow,” Tina remarked and applied a little bit of concealer to the lines, adding more once she realized that it wasn't enough.

He was just about to turn around as quickly and quietly as possible when Marlene caught his eyes with her blue ones and waved him over.

“Will it be fine to film like this?” she asked, concern obvious.

“Well-” his eyes met Hoseok’s and he felt strangely aware of the fact that the scratches must have been from him, the result of losing his mind and burying his nails in the red-haired man's shoulders. “In the worst case we can cover it up digitally in post production. Does it- hurt, Hoseok?”

Marlene lifted an eyebrow at him, but he ignored it.

“No. My skin is sensitive, that's why it looks like this. Sorry.” Hoseok looked at the brush that slid over his skin in an attempt to cover the scratches that Hyungwon left on him.

“No, I'm sorry for changing the scene so suddenly. I'll see you in a bit then,” he murmured and turned around, walking back to his spot with quick steps. Once he sat down he glanced at the script and tried to focus on the scene he was about to film instead of the marks he knew were still visible on the younger man's skin. That made it real again, took the thoughts away from him and projected them into the red-haired man, onto Hoseok wearing a mask and making him scream.

He shouldn't have walked into the office.

_

“Let's stop here,” he yelled over the set and tried to silence the surprised comments and questions that immediately rained down on him. He wasn't where he was supposed to be, focused, aware of the scene he wanted to film and the messages he wanted to get across. It was cheap, mechanical, meaningless and he hated it, every second of the footage he had filmed in the past two hours.

“Is something off? Maybe we can correct it?” Marlene asked and she looked nervous. Acting was always so fragile, something genuine that could be broken with the slightest disappointment. Hyungwon didn't want to be the source of that, but he couldn't continue filming like this, not with the thoughts and associations in his head.

“No, your performance was perfectly fine, Marlene and the same applies to you, Hoseok. I cannot concentrate, so we will stop earlier today. Maybe a few of you can call your families and not struggle with the time difference for once.” He smiled a little in reassurance and massaged his temples, frustrated by his inability to focus on the scene. Film business was so dependent on everybody, a delay of a few hours could cost them money and good footage.

“Let us all go home and enjoy some proper food,” he added and forced another tired smile over his features before grabbing the light coat that hung over his chair and throwing it over his shoulders. He left his laptop and notes in the office, so there was no way he could leave immediately.

_You need to leave though, take a walk maybe and focus on what you wanted to say._

Once the door closed behind his back, he felt calmer, sinking down in his chair and resting his head on top of his closed laptop. His shoulders felt tense and his head was throbbing from his fruitless attempts to focus. He was only allowed a few minutes of  silence before he heard a loud knock.

_Kihyun, he always worries._

He hummed but didn't lift his head, crossing his arms around it instead. There was no need to look up to know what the other man would say, asking him what happened, that it hadn't happened in years and if he wanted time off that he couldn't take because they had a tight schedule. It was going to be a pointless talk. Instead of the immediate speech, he heard the door lock and steps, until they stopped right next to him.

“Are you okay?” a familiar low voice asked.

_Hoseok._

Hyungwon's head lifted up immediately, quick enough to pull a muscle and make him wince, right palm instantly reaching out to press down on the area. Fuck, it hurt.

“Y-yeah,” he forced out but knew that it wasn't very believable at that moment. “Just tired I guess.” Hyungwon hoped the actors hadn't talked about him once he left for his office, saying that he never ended a filming early unless somebody was hurt.

“You have to stretch it.” The red-haired man reached for his face, grabbing his jaw and turning it into the opposite direction of the pain. It hurt even more. “Tired? Is it because of me? Do I make you tired?”

“Right now you’re only breaking my neck,” he muttered and whimpered at the pain, eyes squeezing shut. “It’s not you, not at all.” He buried his hand in his thigh to distract himself with some other sensation and silently hoped that he’d just faint and stop struggling. Fainting was good at erasing everything, just like sleeping. He needed both.

“You must've pulled it badly, it'll probably hurt until tomorrow,” Hoseok commented and rubbed over his neck, creating more pain before finally stepping back. “I'm sorry. I know that you have a certain way to portray your scenes and I'm really sorry if I'm messing it up. I'd tell you that I'll give my best- but I'm not sure it'll be enough. I've watched all of your movies during the past week and there is no way I will be able to help you to create anything similar. I hope that the other actors will make up for my lack of skill.” Sighing, Hoseok ruffled up his red hair and met his gaze. “Anyways, I'm sorry.”

Hyungwon lifted his palm to his neck and rubbed over it slowly while focusing his gaze on Hoseok’s face.

_Is that what he is so worried about? Not being good enough?_

He knew that actors tended to blame themselves when the director was dissatisfied, but he had emphasized that he was the reason for the break. Hoseok must have been disappointed in himself to think that way.

_He was focused on his thoughts instead of concentrating on the person in front of him, but the camera couldn’t see that, not with the mask of acting he expertly applied._

“You’re wrong,” he replied while still staring at Hoseok’s features intently. The red-haired man looked insecure. “You are not messing up and so far you have perfected the image of every scene I had with your portrayal of the character. Marlene and others have already come to me and apologized for doubting my casting choice, so why are you still doubting it?”

“Change of topic, but why did you suddenly cut short filming? You were so stressed earlier and the others said they haven't seen you do that before. There must be a reason for it. I mean- god it's not my business, I don't know why I'm like this.” Again, there was a nervous gesture, a lip bite, a glance to the side. “Anyways, I wanted to make sure that you know that I'm sorry, but I'll keep trying.”

_They told him, of course they did._

“I stopped filming because I can’t focus. No matter how deeply I try to look into my head, I can’t find what I wanted to say and show, there is just a specific picture in front of me and nothing else. I am not somebody who films what’s pretty, it’s meaningless. I don’t want to push my inability onto anybody else, so I cancelled the rest of the shoot.” He sucked his lips into his mouth and let his head fall into his palms, ignoring the pain in his neck as well as he could. “You were fine, Hoseok, you really were- just- god.”

_It’s the set, you don’t talk about it on set, Hyungwon._

“I- I see. Just- just call if you want a coffee or some distraction, or- whatever you need,” the red-haired man muttered and put both hands into the pockets of his jeans, before turning around and walking towards the door.

“How about now?” Hyungwon asked and stood up. His question went against every intuition to simply return home and think, to take a walk on memory lane the way he liked doing, to remember the bits of his experiences that made him want to film the movie. Instead he was standing in his office, palms flat on his desk and staring at a twenty-year-old boy, asking him for distraction.

“Now? Sure. You just gave me a free evening anyway, so use it however you like.” Hoseok leaned against the wall and looked at him intently.

“I’m not the one who owns it, Hoseok.” He licked over his lips and returned his attention to the papers on his desk that he hadn’t touched yet. “You have free will after all. Whether you want to spend your free time with me is your own decision and one that I shall obey.”

“I know,” the other man shrugged nonchalantly, gesturing towards the door. “Let's go.”

He met the boy’s dark eyes briefly before letting the papers he had been holding fall back to the desk. He grabbed his backpack and slid his laptop into the pocket, glancing around the room. Once he was sure that he had everything important, he stepped out after Hoseok, meeting a mostly empty set apart from a few PAs that were cleaning up for the day. Hyungwon nodded and wished them a nice evening before making his way out of the studio. It felt strange, too early to be leaving, but his brain felt like melted cheese.

“Want to enjoy ‘The Kiss’ at night?” Hoseok asked as his lips spread in a smirk. The expression looked like a rare guest, sometimes visiting the boy’s face when he least expected it and reminding him of the mask. His response was immediate as he swallowed and nodded, hands slipping into the pockets of his coat to not reveal how tightly he was clenching them into fists.

“There aren’t many things I’d rather do at night to be honest,” he replied and wasn’t sure himself if he meant seeing the painting or kissing itself. Hoseok's smirk turned into a beautiful smile while his eyes focused on his.

“It's the same for me, so nice that we agree.” Hoseok opened the door before stepping outside. “‘The Kiss’ is a part of me and a part of my city. I can't wait to share it with you. Belvedere too, there is something magical about it at night.” The other man's gaze went up as soon as they stood under the night sky.

“Is it even possible to go there at night? I have been only once and unfortunately it was a Saturday around lunch.” He smiled back before grimacing at the memories of tourists that merely wanted to snap a picture next to the famous painting, ignorant of everything else.

“It is possible, when it's museum’s night. And when you fucked the main guard from the night security,” Hoseok replied nonchalantly and furiously typed something into his phone.

Hyungwon didn’t know what to say to that, eyes wide, and merely stared like an idiot. He stopped walking and thought about the ramifications of that. Hoseok had told him before that he he only slept with men once his mask was safely covering his face, so it must have been one of those boys.

_Maybe you have seen him in a video._

The blood left his face quicker than he anticipated and he cleared his throat before staring at a random lamp post that had just lit up because the sun went down.

“Good, we can go, but we only have another two hours until his shift ends. I love being there at night, because there is no-one. I hope you'll like it too. Ah- also please keep silent if you recognise him.” Gesturing wildly, Hoseok got a cab and told the driver something in German before climbing on the backseat next to him. “Let's go.”

_Amazing._

Hyungwon stared straight ahead and hoped that he wasn’t going to be obvious about recognizing the man they were about to meet. Probably a boy if the partners Hoseok had in his videos were any hint. Maybe it was one of the few that had spoken German during the clip, incomprehensible to Hyungwon apart from the gasps.

“I have a question,” he muttered quietly and leaned closer towards Hoseok to make sure the taxi driver didn’t hear, in case he spoke English that is. “Is there a reason for speaking English in your videos? You’re German, aren’t you?”

There was a smile as the other man leaned back against the leather of the seats.

“Because there are less formalities and my voice is lower when I speak English too. Of course, it’s also in keeping with the mask. It's perfect.”

“For effect I see,” Hyungwon murmured and leaned back, head resting against the cold window as he watched the streets pass by. He knew approximately where they were going, but it also didn’t really matter. He needed to return to his senses and art was the best way to do that.

“That's what you say because you don't understand what it's about. But it's okay, you don't have to. I have to.” Hoseok put a bill into the drivers hand and climbed out of the car, grabbing his hand and pulling him out right after. “Look how dazzling it looks!” the red-haired man exclaimed and pointed at the beautifully illuminated castle.

Hyungwon barely kept his balance as he stepped onto the slightly wet street. It must have rained a little and he hadn’t even realized. His eyes settled on the Belvedere, stunning by day and especially by night. “It’s gorgeous,” he whispered and stopped right where he was standing, fascinated by the sight. There was almost nobody around, only a couple or two that enjoyed the sight at night much like they were.

Hoseok's warm hand wrapped around his wrist and he pulled him around the castle to some entrance that didn't look as if it was meant for the public. Smiling brightly, the red-haired man greeted a tall, black-haired boy with plump lips who was wearing a suit and hugged Hoseok by wrapping his arms around his neck. Hyungwon recognised him.

“So, how much time do we have?” Hoseok asked the boy while smiling brightly.

“Forty minutes, after that I have to get ready to change shifts. Have fun!” the boy replied, nodding at him quickly.

Hyungwon nodded back while keeping his face as expressionless as possible. It seemed strange to meet people he had only seen in videos, men that had been in a position that he had yearned for and taken for a few hours. There were so many similarities even if the boys never really looked like him. The features were still there.

_Almost like Pygmalion, just that you are not a statue and also not the ideal._

“Thank you for the opportunity,” he whispered since they were still close enough to the guard and turned towards Hoseok, examining his face. The red-haired man was nodding at something the guard was telling him before whispering something into his ear and walking inside.

“Let's go, forty minutes are nothing, believe me. I'm usually here for at least two hours.”

“Do you plan on repaying the favour?” he asked after examining the way Hoseok had acted towards the guard and smiled at him. It spoke of promises.

“The thing is- he was asking me to film another video and I was telling him that I don’t know yet. It’s been a few months, so he was a little sad.  Our chemistry was okay, maybe I will, I don't know.” Hoseok led him through a barely lit corridor, brushing his hand against his own.

“Understandable,” he replied until he realized that the comment needed clarification. There was something mysterious to a museum at night with the main light being turned off and only security lights remaining. It felt different and Hyungwon had to fight with himself to stop paying attention to the hand that brushed his. “I mean to expect a promise to be fulfilled.”

“I don't make any promises that I can't fulfil,” was the short answer, as he felt Hoseok's hand around his wrist, pulling him after the red-haired man until they reached the exhibition hall. It was not illuminated, but  there was still enough light to see. “And now you can enjoy the promised kiss.”

“What do you do if someone misunderstands your promises?” he asked as his eyes took in the gorgeous painting. The golden paint on it had a little less of an effect without the bright illumination, but the work was still mesmerizing and expressive, the way he wished he could be at all times. Art had a way of wrapping itself around his disappointment and making it fade away. He smiled at the sensation in his chest and turned towards the red-haired man, lips pulled into his mouth.

“I don't know. It’s never happened before,” Hoseok whispered and looked at the painting, mouth corners lifting up in a smile.

“‘The Kiss’ seems to create the same sensation of happiness and calm in you as it does in me,” he murmured and stepped a little closer, wanting to see more of the younger man’s face, the brightness that appeared because he enjoyed their surroundings, the dark and the beautiful painting in front of them.

 “It's because it's real.” Dark eyes met his gaze and stayed without moving anywhere else, just looking at him.

“Is this…,” he began but trailed off, swallowing at the thoughts and intentions in his head that mixed with what was right and wrong, “the kiss that you promised me?”

“I don't know. Is it?” It was intense, the black eyes that didn't let him go, the pale hands that appeared to only wait for the right moment to take him and envelop him and the barely lit room with the gorgeous painting looking down at them.

“You made the promise, shouldn't you fulfil it?” Hyungwon pronounced carefully, voice low and barely more than a breath. It felt dangerous to speak louder in the darkness, standing so close to each other. The moment had changed from one second to the next, from an innocent smile to a dark and meaningful gaze. His heart wasn't able to catch up, beating furiously.

“Should I?” Hoseok asked quietly.

There was a slow, careful step, bringing the red-haired man closer until they had only a few centimetres between each other. He could feel Hoseok's shaky breaths hitting his lips as the other man's hand lifted and reached for his face, curling into his hair gently. Another arm around his waist and a barely appreciable touch of the other man's warm lips announced what was about to happen.

Hyungwon's lips parted and he closed his eyes. It was too dark and too close to see anyway, he didn't want to. He wanted to focus on the hot hands holding him and the soft lips that brushed his, evoking a fluttering in his lower stomach. It felt right, perfect, surrounded by art and darkness, so he bridged the last bit. It was like a spark, but not one that burned him down and set him on fire, it was more like a spark that felt like tiny bits of electricity travelling through his body as Hoseok kissed back hesitantly at first, only moving his lips over his, before he could feel the other man's hot tongue lick over his bottom lip. He shuddered at the touch but opened up, arms slowly circling Hoseok’s waist.

It felt much more intimate than before, but it must have been the place, the time, the confusion from before, so he allowed it to happen. The kiss warmed him from the inside, pleasant like something familiar and safe. It wasn't familiar though, not the careful nature of it, a gentle press of lips. Even the hands that held onto him were tender and didn't apply too much pressure. The kiss deepened and was accompanied by pleasant raking through his hair and travelling fingers around his waist, adding to the tingling sensations. The beautiful man parted his lips with his tongue only for the briefest moment before leaning back.

“This one is real too,” Hoseok murmured before turning to the painting again. Hyungwon licked over his lips, still tasting the other man and the sweetness of his mouth and did the same. He examined the bright brushstrokes that were applied on the canvas to create the same thing that he felt right now, burning in his chest and on his mind.

A kiss.


	9. 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You can go to him again, at night, not as yourself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 21th of April at 2 PM CET.  
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He loved acting. There was something incredibly calming about it, the lines that he knew by heart, the script that told him what he had to do while giving him the tiny bit of freedom to interpret, before showing it for everybody to enjoy. Real life interaction on the other hand- was not really much appreciated. Not that he was asocial, or didn’t like talking. It was more subtle, there was no script and instead of the calming routine and clear instructions there were real feelings to hurt and get hurt. He didn’t like getting hurt and didn’t want to hurt anyone either, it was such a thin line between various behaviors, between their looks and touches, it was blurred and unrecognizable, especially in the dark.

His heart beat like crazy, even though the director's comments had announced it beforehand. A misunderstanding, an expectation, an innuendo. He was playing with it when he suggested enjoying ‘The Kiss’ at night, pulling at the thin threads of communication like in a stage play, expecting some kind of outcome, be it consciously or not. He  had felt strange over the past few days, more grey than usual and his personal grey rain cloud seemed bigger too, so he considered it okay to be a little reckless.

Was it because of the intensity of their previous meeting that he couldn’t breathe while leaning into the other man’s personal space, watching his gorgeous features in the dark and wrapping his arm around his waist hesitantly? Was it because it was dark and it felt safe? Because it reminded him of a safe space? Because there was ‘The Kiss’ judging from the wall and making him fulfil his promise? Hoseok didn’t even remember making any promises. He never had. His lips were trembling when Hyungwon closed the distance between them, he was ready to melt but at the same time terrified of what he felt. It wasn’t right, it didn’t seem right. The overwhelming nature of the sensations shooting through his body confirmed his thoughts, it was strange. He was strange.

_Since when are you like this without the mask? Since when are you like this in general?_

It wasn’t the same. It wasn’t comparable. Not to how he kissed Hyungwon when he wore the mask and not to how he had casually pressed his lips against his ex-boyfriend’s lips when he didn’t wear the red silk over his features. There was nothing, no category and no experience where Hoseok could’ve put the feeling. So he stopped.

_This is crazy._

Exhaling sharply, he turned to the painting and stared. “This one is real too,” he whispered to himself, but it was so quiet around them that the director couldn’t help but hear.

“Let's go. There are more paintings. I wanted to show you a nice spot to look at the castle too. We need to make you be able to focus again.” He moved towards the next exhibition hall, glancing to the side and making sure that the other man followed. He needed to go somewhere else before he lost his mind.

“I have never been more focused,” the older man’s deep voice whispered back as a warm arm brushed his lightly, walking next to him along the empty hallways. It was deadly quiet apart from their steps, echoing along the walls. How was the director able to focus when his skin still tingled from the intimacy that accompanied their kiss, from the hesitation he felt, so unfamiliar to him, scary even.

“I’m glad that at least one of us is able to focus. Ah- here is Judith. I really like the painting. It’s- it’s so raw but at the same time enriched with beauty from the outside, with the golden color he used, making it more precious than it is,” he murmured, focussing on the painting and stepping closer to see the delicate brushstrokes. The painting was safer. Safer than Hyungwon.

“It was modeled after his friend and lover, Adele Bloch-Bauer, if I am not mistaken,” the brown-haired man murmured and Hoseok could hear the accent in his pronunciation. “It was the height of his erotic view of her I think. There is something tempting about her and he portrayed it perfectly. I understand why he struggled to keep his hands to himself, even if I don’t share his attraction towards her.”

“There are- I guess there are people like this who make you lose your mind, behave in a strange way and confuse you until you can't get out. She was like this to him. Probably.” Turning around, he met Hyungwon's brown eyes, staring at him in the darkness. “Do you know this kind of feeling?”

“I do,” the other man replied and he sounded grave, voice more emotional than it had been a moment ago, changing the tone. “Have you seen Judith II? It is much darker than this one, a little intimidating even. I think the same can happen as well. A person is familiar but becomes terrifying the more time passes. You might think that you know them, but you don't at all.” The director sighed and put his hands into his pockets. Hoseok could see that he had been clenching them, knuckles white.

“I don't know if I do. I'm not sure. But I've seen Judith II. It’s more intense than the first one. She looks as if she's ready to act.” A smile passed his lips at how different their perspectives were.

“It's too rough for me, gives me unpleasant memories,” the taller man replied and shrugged. “Perspectives differ and so do we. You mentioned before that you understand Benjamin's focus on reality and what's around him. To me it is more like a dream, something unattainable.” The director wasn't looking at him, eyes fixed on the painting. It was difficult to tell if he was really looking at it.

“For you reality is like a dream? What do you mean? Does it feel like a dream to you right now?” Hoseok stepped in front of him, blocking his sight.

“It's difficult to tell, I rarely leave my head,” was the careful reply as the other man's eyes slowly focused on him, losing their dreamy gaze. “Right now it feels dangerously real, like a place I tend to avoid. But somehow I don't when it is you.”

_He's confusing._

“You tend to avoid reality, but you don't when it's me? Why?” It was dark, so he stepped a little closer to be able to see the other man's features in the barely lit room.

“Because it feels safe.” He saw the director’s lips move and the way his big, brown eyes focused on his own, gifting him his undivided attention.

_Safe?_

_You're able to create a safe space for him. But it only applies when you wear the mask._

“But- it's only true when there's a mask involved, right now- it's different, or not?” he whispered, confused that the beautiful brown-haired man considered being around him safe.

“No, it's the same,” was the reply as the director stepped a little closer still, leaving a few centimetres between their faces apart from their height difference. “At least to me.”

His mind worked, furiously trying to analyse his own and the director’s behaviour, to explain why they were like this, why Hyungwon felt safe next to him even though he wasn't wearing his mask, why he kissed the other man, even though he never did, not like this, not while feeling like this.

_Maybe it's attraction. You're attracted to him, so much that it's ridiculous. That must be the reason._

But attraction didn't create safety. And it didn't create fear.

“Something doesn't fit,” he whispered and furrowed his eyebrows. “How can you feel safe while I feel terrified?”

“Because I explore my mind and its uncertainties and you run away from it.” There was the hint of a smile on Hyungwon's lips until he suddenly lifted his arms and wrapped them around him, pulling him into a tight embrace the same way he had on set. A shudder passed through his body and he gasped at the sudden proximity, unsure how to react. He knew oh so well how he would've reacted if he had his mask, but like this he felt vulnerable. Naked. As if there was nothing protecting him and the brown-haired man could’ve buried his nails in his skinless flesh.

“I- don't run away,” he murmured, placing his shaking hands on Hyungwon's lower back, careful to not apply obvious pressure.

“Not physically,” the taller man replied and exhaled against his ear.

“It's- it's just the situation, it's- it's strange. Come over with that black mask of yours. I'll show you.” Biting down on his lip, he inhaled the scent of Hyungwon's detergent, his perfume and the scent of his skin that he thought about frequently after they had been close.

“It seems like that because it isn't familiar, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it is strange.” He could hear the smile in Hyungwon's voice as a warm palm stroked over his hair once before letting go. The brown-haired man stepped back and smiled at him, expression genuine. “We should go back soon, Hoseok. I don't want that friend of yours to get into trouble because of us.”

“Let's go,” he murmured, not replying to any of the things the other man mentioned. He didn't want to think about it and it seemed weird and unfamiliar. He preferred staying with what he knew, the familiar script and the lines he knew by heart.

_

 

There was warmth of a body next to him and the smell of fresh sweat and sex mixing into the air freshener and the jasmine detergent he used to wash his sheets. There was also tiredness from almost two hours of extensive pleasure and play, blurriness in his mind, just like he liked it. Thoughts? There were none. At least no whole, formulated ones, they seemed more like fragments, unrelated to anything and curling in his head, peeking from under the thin silk of unconsciousness, before slipping back under it. Feelings? Not really. He felt spent and happy that he had managed to turn off the cameras before crawling back into bed. Smiling, he kissed the black-haired boy once before he had taken off the black mask and got dressed. He kept his face hidden, as always, licking over his lips and watching the tall figure leave through the door of his bedroom.

_Now you’re alone again._

He didn’t like being alone lately and tried his best to keep himself busy, be it at university or privately. He even went out with Minhyuk and his cute, red-haired boyfriend, watching his best friend be disgustingly happy and rub his nose right in it. Once again, he confirmed for himself that he definitely wasn’t the relationship type. No way.

_You’re better off alone with your mask and your baby boys._

The days got warmer and he kept avoiding the director on set. It seemed safer. The kiss they shared at the museum at night still lingered in his memory in vivid bits of visual and sensory sensations. They reappeared as soon as his thoughts took him back and they did so much more frequently than what he was ready to deal with. He didn’t want to think.

As soon as he decided to clean up the mess that were his sheets, he jumped up and showered quickly before stuffing everything into the washing machine, just like he usually did. It was familiar and it calmed him down. Next were the cameras, he saved the footage and started working on it. Thankfully there were no major disturbances and he decided to post the whole thing while telling himself that he didn’t do it because of what he had told Hyungwon last time.

_You told him to come back and let you play with him._

Sighing loudly he uploaded the video and added the tags, answered his emails and called his agency to confirm that everything went well, briefly mentioning that they shouldn’t answer any media inquiries about him in case there were any. He also watched more of Hyungwon’s movies, they were- special, but so damn good. It was art and it was easy to see, recognizable from the first scene, just like it should be. Just like his dad used to say.

_He’s a real artist. You should be thankful that you are able to work with him and that he considers you worthy to act in his movie, instead of thirsting after him and kissing him at the museum at night without wearing a mask and having no excuse. None at all._

His phone rang and he picked up quickly, thinking it was the agency again, but it wasn’t.

“Hello Hoseok, it’s Professor Meyer speaking, our Faust got ill and the play is in two days. One of your fellow students told me that you have an amazing memory and can learn your lines in only a few hours, is it true?” The woman’s voice quieted down and he almost choked with how he tried to suck in air and not die from his quickened heartbeat.

“Y-yes,” he whispered in reply, wrapping his fingers around the phone as if his life depended on it.

“That is lovely, I would love to have you as a substitute for our Faust then, could you come over so we can talk about it? The rehearsals are today 6-8 p.m. and tomorrow starting nine in the morning until we’re done, but expect it to be a very long day because you have to rehearse everything from scratch. The premiere is Tuesday at 6PM. You can have two tickets to bring some friends, they are the last two, it’s sold out. So, see you in a bit then?” The professor waited for his embarrassing reply, thanking her and promising her to do his best and to come over as fast as possible, and hung up.

_You have filming schedule, Hoseok._

He did. But there was no way he could ditch being Faust in a major sold-out production, so he took his phone and wrote Hyungwon a message.

‘I’m sorry for all the mess I will create, but I can only film starting Wednesday. I really want to stand on stage. It's my safe place.’

_It’s the safest place of them all._

***

A quickened heartbeat, a feeling of butterflies in his stomach, hands that curled into fists from anticipation. Hyungwon knew the signs, he knew them all. It all started with unnoticeable and simple details, a spark of curiosity, more attention than usual. It was always the same, a hundred years ago, fifty years ago and now.

_You know the signs of infatuation, Hyungwon._

He hadn't thought of it before, not when filming was the only thought on his mind and the only exception was his sexual attraction to Hoseok when he wore a mask. The mysteriousness and simultaneous distance and closeness that he provided was different, allowed. Hyungwon had wanted to experience reality without the risk of losing art, of putting too much value in a current experience and forgetting the artistic value of memories. It had been decided and calm. He had lost his mind, but it was only for a brief moment, for the time that he wore his mask and embraced the red-haired man. It was under control, his control as he came and left and Hoseok’s control when he let himself drop into uncertainty. It wasn't real uncertainty because he knew what would happen, but the excitement remained. It was sexual attraction that he could influence.

But the night at the museum was different.

He hadn't seen it earlier, the way his eyes searched for Hoseok as soon as he entered the set, the moments of excitement when they were close and he anticipated a touch, brief contact, even if it surprised him.

_You never initiate contact but with him you do, as if it's natural._

Hyungwon was infatuated. He was infatuated with the person that was Lee Hoseok, the shy gestures, bright happiness upon seeing art and hesitant arms that wrapped around his waist. It was the one thing he had understood while kissing at the museum, basking in closeness without any urgency. He was infatuated and Hoseok must have felt the same, body trembling with a fluttering feeling spreading out in his stomach the way it had for him. They felt the same, the only difference was that Hyungwon knew and Hoseok didn't, scared of what it meant and how to interpret the sensations he didn't know.

The red-haired man was running away from his own impressions, avoiding him as well as he could, be it physically or mentally. It was easy to tell from the almost black eyes that had locked with his when he let go at the museum and when Hoseok had broken the kiss. It had been clear then, like a movie plot that he suddenly understood. But it was a new one, a plotline he hadn't seen nor experienced yet. The decisions were his, from beginning on, and he knew which ones he was going to make.

Hoseok had tried to distract himself, avoiding his gaze and presence on set as soon as he reached it, disappearing in a new corner of the set that Hyungwon hadn't attempted to find yet. He wasn't going to. The distance was good, it was right even.

He was aware of his infatuation now, of the way his heart beat upon seeing Hoseok smile or when their hands touched accidentally, how his body shook independent of sexual arousal when they kissed. He knew it all and knew what it meant, what had happened, but love and affection was not what he needed, nor what he was looking for.

_You leave art when you love, you become unable to create, a shell of what you can be._

His hand was resting on his laptop mouse, hovering over the play button of Hoseok’s newest video. It was two hours long, like an invitation and proof at the same time. Hyungwon smiled at the implications. Sex was safer for Hoseok, something he knew and reigned over like a king over a country. It was a skill, a particularly well developed one.

_He's showing you what he can do, he invited you before._

The infatuation with the boy, with Lee Hoseok, the actor that was starring in his movie and felt insecure about his skills and the expressions on his face was one thing. It was a thought that he wasn't going to act on, it was dangerous and uncertain. It was there and he acknowledged it but it wasn't going to become real, to materialise in his actions.

It was difficult with the red-haired man in a mask.

It was sexual attraction, something that lasted for a few hours and disappeared again, it could be satisfied easily and was always safe, constantly under the control of one of them. Hyungwon was able to split the feelings perfectly, the way he hadn't felt arousal while kissing Hoseok in the museum but had blood rushing downwards upon the first touch of the other man in a mask. He agreed with the avoidance of personal contact as themselves, in reality the way they knew it, but their sexual meetups were different, it was an alternative reality, the one he allowed himself to enjoy.

_The one thing that broke your artistic abilities wasn't the sex, it was the infatuation you didn't understand yet. As long as he isn't yours to have, you can drive art from it, remember your experiences, your memories. You can't act on it because you will lose art._

The red-haired man had considered it strange because he didn't reflect on it, not really. Reflecting and remembering was all that Hyungwon did.

Hoseok had made the distance much easier by cancelling filming for several days even if Hyungwon had almost suffered a mental breakdown while attempting to rearrange the scenes to allow their main actor to be gone for several days. The one who understood was his assistant director, throwing him apologetic smiles and pointing out that acting in a theatre play mattered for somebody who mostly focused on stage acting.

Hyungwon understood. It was a dream, art that Hoseok wanted to pursue and the days of distance allowed him to reflect on what he was going to act on and what not. Hoseok was afraid to be close, to explore the infatuation as himself, as the boy Hyungwon had developed feelings for. It was fine, he didn't need to. Hyungwon wasn't going to confront him, instead he would let him escape and hide behind the mask to feel safe.

_Because that is the part that is allowed, the one that has no influence outside of the bedroom._

A day had passed without Hoseok on set and Hyungwon accepted it, welcomed it even, thinking of him once in a while and returning back to his art. Yearning was good, it fuelled creativity, his ability to express what he wanted to show. It allowed him to focus on his developing need to be close, to have the few hours in which he wasn't a director and Hoseok wasn't an actor.

_You can go to him again, at night, not as yourself._

A smile passed over his lips and he finally clicked play, watching the way Hoseok devoured a slim black-haired boy that could have been him.

_It will be you soon enough._

His eyes focused on the grin on Hoseok’s lips and the playful way with which he pulled moan after moan from the boy’s lips, not even really touching him. The sight let arousal burn in his veins, travelling downwards and making his pants tight. His teeth settled on his lips as he thought of Hoseok doing the same to him, taking more time and pulling sounds from his lips, for longer than he had before.

As the gorgeous, red-haired man's hand travelled over the boy's body, brushing over his nipples and cupping his mask-covered face, something disturbed Hyungwon. An unpleasant sensation settled in his chest and he instantly paused the video. Discomfort and sudden anger wasn't the point of the video, but still he felt it, fingers curling up and lips pressing together.

He stared at the still frame, at the way Hoseok looked at the black-haired boy, but that wasn't it. There was nothing beyond fascination and arousal behind Hoseok’s mask, nothing that deserved Hyungwon's anger. Hurt mixed into the anger and he inhaled sharply, staring at the individuals on the video until his eyes focused on the boy in the black mask and he finally understood.

_It's the guard._

The realization pulled another wave of anger out of the depths of his emotions and he clicked to turn off the video, staring at his generic desktop background instead.

_He did it on purpose._

Hyungwon had no proof but that was what it felt like, the two hours of playing, the time that Hoseok had told him about, in addition to the museum guard that he had promised to be close to. The black-haired boy was the only one that had been there, that has vaguely been present when they kissed and shared something intimate, more than Hyungwon allowed himself to.

_He's trying to erase it, to push sexuality over it all and make it meaningless._

Jealousy, Hyungwon responded with jealousy but that didn't make the feeling meaningless or force it to disappear. He chewed on his cheek and stared at the door that led outside his hotel room.

_He provoked you to come._

And Hyungwon was going to follow like a naive little boy.

_

 

It was reckless and not as calm as the first time when he arrived at the familiar apartment complex, black mask in hand. The taxi driver hadn't commented on it and neither did Hyungwon, but he knew that both of them thought their part.

Compared to the black mask, his fingers looked pale, even though they weren't, and he observed the contrast for a little longer before he finally rang the bell. His eyes passed over his ripped jeans and the simple white t-shirt he wore this time. He didn't try to impress, it had been a last minute decision and nothing planned. He wore what he had worn the moment he decided to leave and see the red-haired man, to feel pleasure himself instead of watching others have what could be his. It didn't matter that Hoseok fucked a boy, it didn't matter at all. Hyungwon knew that and lived with it like actors lived with their spouses kissing and sleeping with others on camera. It was the fact that it had been the guard, it was something meaningful, a provocation that he couldn't ignore because there was infatuation.

_But there is no place for infatuation now, you're not meeting the Hoseok you are infatuated with._

It took a while but he was finally buzzed through and made his way up the stairs, wondering how to act this time. There was no real script to follow anymore. He had been so thoughtful about the first time, sure about what he wanted to do and that it was what he wanted.

_You still want it, but you just want it to happen to you._

He held the mask behind his back as he reached the door, eyes meeting Hoseok’s dark ones that were wide in surprise. It was impressive, again, there was a switch of different emotions on the other man’s face as he scanned him and his face, before his gaze settled on the way he held his hands behind his back. It must’ve been clear then.

The sight calmed him, immediately. The large eyes, opened in surprise, and the visible features worried him for a moment. Had the expression not changed it might have been Hoseok after all instead of the controlled situation that Hyungwon had agreed to, the one he allowed himself to enjoy.

“Come in,” the other man’s low voice murmured, opening the door for him to enter.

He passed through, tongue licking over his lips quickly before he turned towards the younger man and let his mask touch his face, waiting for Hoseok to fasten it for him. Last time it had been the other way around, Hoseok had been wearing the red mask back then and he could see the difference. The other man’s gaze was ambivalent, switching between his mask and his lips hesitantly and he could swear that the other man’s hands shook a little as they lifted behind his head, tying a perfect bow.

“Give me a second,” Hoseok whispered and disappeared inside his bedroom. All was still for a few moments before the door opened and the familiar red mask appeared in his sight, pale hand lifting and beckoning him over.

He licked over his lips again, affected by the smooth motion of Hoseok’s fingers. He let his own trail over furniture as he slowly moved closer, building up tension with each step towards the red-haired man. He wanted to run, but he didn't, gradually coming closer until he was finally standing in front of the man with the mask, his body reminding him of what he had wanted all this time.

“You came,” the red-haired man whispered before curling his muscular arm around his waist and pulling him flush against his chest. Hyungwon could feel the warmth of Hoseok’s body through all the fabric in between, heating him up in addition to the hands around his waist and the black eyes telling him everything he needed to know.

“You told me to, didn't you?” he replied and leaned in, tongue moving along the pulsating vein on Hoseok’s neck and tasting the other man's delicious skin. He had missed it, touching him without repercussions and consequences. “You called, I came.”

He didn't know why he admitted to it, why he told the red-haired man that he had come because of his provocation and his invitation. It must have been the atmosphere and the look in those almost black eyes. Hoseok enveloped him, one arm holding his waist while the other sank into his hair, fingers curling around the strands and tugging on them. There was the hot sensation of lips against his neck, his jaw and finally his mouth, tasting him hungrily and taking him further into the room. He heard the door fall into its lock.

“I missed you. I missed you and I hoped that you’d come.”

“Well, I came, just for you,” Hyungwon whispered and licked over Hoseok’s curved lips, tongue briefly slipping in between them. The kiss was different, without the attached feelings and concerns and he was glad, basking in the arousal that developed and ignoring the way Hoseok’s words sounded. He hadn't said it to other partners, but Hyungwon hated being delusional. The words could have been there, spoken before the camera began filming.

“Let me make you fly then.” There was a low chuckle, before Hoseok leaned down and lifted him in the air, pushing his back against the closed door and sinking his teeth into the skin of his shoulder, tongue soothing the spot right after and searching for more skin, hungrily exploring the curve of his neck. “Fuck, you make me go crazy.”

“Show me how much,” he whispered and sucked Hoseok’s earlobe into his mouth, enjoying the taste and the way the other man reacted to it. He was more careful this time, not scratching over Hoseok’s shoulders, at least not yet. Their breaths sounded strained already, mixing into the sounds of Hoseok’s steps as he let him down on the white sheets. The bed wasn’t made and not as neat as the red-haired man hadn’t expected him. This time there were no cameras and no additional light. Just them.

“Undress,” Hoseok hissed and went to his desk, pulling red ribbons out of the bottom drawer.

Hyungwon watched him intently as he used one hand to pull his white shirt off his body, plain and irrelevant to what they were about to do. Next his hands travelled down to his ripped jeans, slipping into one of the rips on his thighs playfully.

“And what do I get for doing that?” he asked teasingly and licked over his lips again. They felt dry whenever Hoseok’s black gaze met his.

“What you get? I'll tie you up and then I'll make you beg for me.” Turning around, the red-haired man watched him intently, sensual gaze and blood red lips complimenting his features that were covered by the mask.

“Tempting,” he purred even though it was so much more than tempting. It was exhilarating and he couldn't wait to experience it, to see if Hoseok was really able to make him beg, to cross the veil of his awareness. Hyungwon loosened the button of his jeans and opened his zipper, one hand still playing with one of the rips on his thighs. It was like a performance, a show and he had done it before, differently, but he knew what he was doing.

Hooking his thumbs into his jeans, he let them slip down, purposefully leaving thin lines with his nails. It riled him up in addition to the look in Hoseok’s eyes.

Once the fabric reached his knees, he leaned back and lifted one of his legs in the air, pulling the fabric off it before spreading his legs and repeating the same with the other. Remaining in his underwear he bit down on his cheek and turned around, showing Hoseok his behind as he pulled the trunks down his butt and off his long legs. His heart was beating furiously and he barely heard the red-haired man's breaths behind him. Feeling courageous, he reached behind himself and pulled one cheek to the side, showing Hoseok how extensively he had shaved and prepared. He was simply crazy, provoking somebody that had him at his mercy.

“You're definitely going to beg for making me feel like this,” he heard Hoseok's deep, vibrating voice behind him, in addition to the sound of clothes hitting the floor next to the bed.

“Make me,” he whispered and spread his legs, curiosity telling him to turn around and look, but he didn't, anticipating what Hoseok was going to do to him. A click, shuffling and hot hands around his ass. Then a warm tongue against his entrance, teasing him without giving him what he wanted before Hoseok pushed something cool and wet inside his body in a quick motion.

“You bet. Your begging will be my music for today, I touched myself while thinking about you and now you're here on my bed showing me how fucking gorgeous you are.” The other man's hot palms stroked over his back, delicate fingers walked over his spine and brushed over his sides. “Let me tie you up. I want to see you squirm because you can't touch me.”

Hyungwon swallowed at the words, a little overwhelmed by the sudden roughness and patience. Hoseok had been rough before, rough in his thrusts and the way he conjured white sparks onto his vision, but this was a different kind of rough, the controlling type. He gasped and let his eyes flutter shut at the sensations before he slowly turned around, butt touching the soft sheets and wrists held out towards the man in front of him, giving him his freedom. Shifting, he could feel something inside of him, not big enough to resemble the red-haired man, but enough to notice.

Hoseok was completely naked, pale, muscular body on display and thick erection twitching at the way Hyungwon presented himself. Licking over his red lips, the gorgeous man crawled on top of him, firm thighs settling on each side of his narrow hips and hands making quick work to tie his wrists together while using a red silk ribbon. Hoseok had only used one and he almost asked before the red silk was wrapped around his neck and Hoseok tied a bow.

“Because you're my present for holding out and not going crazy and fucking you like I want to.”

Hyungwon's eyes widened a little behind the black mask on his face and he nodded, staring at the contrast of red ribbon and golden skin. Anticipation began building up and he couldn't really predict what Hoseok was going to do to him. The options were endless if the videos he had watched were any indication.

_You've never played like this before._

As soon as Hoseok had registered his nod, his curved lips spread into a smirk and he crawled higher, lifting his tied wrists over his head and brushing the tip of his erection over his bottom lip.

“Do you want to taste me before I play with you, Hyungwon?”

Instead of replying he let his tongue lick over the other man's tip, tasting a bit of precum and humming in approval. It seemed like he could rile the other man up if he tried hard enough, straining Hoseok's patience before he lost his mind in the upcoming pleasure. There was a hiss and the other man's pale thighs and toned stomach flexed right next to his face. Hoseok had a gorgeous body. After Hyungwon dipped his tongue into the slit the other man changed his mind and crawled down, taking something from the bed and clicking it around his erection. Right after feeling the restriction around his base, Hoseok took him into his mouth, sucking on his tip harshly and teasing him in any way possible.

_He just put a cockring on you. He won't let you come._

The realization dawned upon him as a breathy gasp left his lips and his eyes fluttered shut. Hoseok was in control and Hyungwon had no intentions of being easy and giving him what he wanted just like that. Biting down on his bottom lip,  he shut up but couldn't suppress the way his hips stuttered, attempting to have the heat of the other man's mouth surround him. His senses were already on overdrive from the ribbon around his wrists and whatever was inside him, moving whenever his muscles contracted.

“You're so pretty when you try. It gets me going how you desperately try not to give me what I want even though your face and body tell me everything I need to know,” Hoseok commented and grinned. Reaching next to him, the other man lay down on the side and let his hand travel from his neck to his collarbones, brushing over his nipples and stomach. “I think it's time to listen to some of your pretty moans.” The pale hand lifted with a small black remote control and pressed a button, resulting in vibrations inside him that exploded in a sea of pleasure and sensations behind his eyelids.

_Shit, a prostate vibrator._

He screamed and fell to the sheets, body burning up and sending wave after wave of pleasure over him, resembling the sea when it stormed, unable to calm down. Hyungwon didn't know where he put his hands, still bound and somewhere above his head as his legs trembled uncontrollably and he tried to remain quiet but couldn't. Loud moans left his lips until he held his breath to contain them and released them with the next inhale. His eyes were only opened for a few seconds, barely focusing on the man next to him until they fluttered shut again.

“Hoseok-” he whimpered but didn't allow himself to speak further, body burning and dick twitching repeatedly. It wasn't fair play, not with the small device that vibrated right where it felt good and where he lost his mind. “Fuck.”

“You're stunning,” Hoseok commented before letting out a breathy moan. He felt the other man's warm hands travel all over his body, play with his nipples, count his ribs and scratch along his thighs as Hoseok crawled between his legs and attached his curved lips to his entrance, teasing it with his tongue and blowing air. “Shit, I want you so badly.” The vibrations continued and the red mask disappeared from his sight before appearing again. Hoseok put a chair right across from him and sat down, watching him intently with the remote that he placed on his thigh. A few seconds passed before the beautiful man started exploring his gorgeous body, hands stroking over his muscular thighs and chest, flexed abdomen and tracing his prominent vline. Hoseok was watching him shake under the vibrations and curled his delicate hand around his thick length, stroking it lazily and moaning. He was too far away for Hyungwon to reach out and touch him.

He whimpered again and attempted to hold his breath as the pleasure made him dizzy, body shaking while his eyes remained fixed on the person he desired, on the man that had fulfilled all his expectations since seeing him on the first day.

“I- I knew I was right about you,” he gasped and buried his nails in his palms to have something to hold on to. “You’re innocence and pure sin all at once.”

“I don't know, am I?” Hoseok grinned and increased the vibration intensity before spreading his legs wider along with quicker motions of his fingers that tightened around his thick length. A low moan passed the curved lips and the red-haired man threw his head back.

Hyungwon was barely able to watch him, pleasure reaching unknown heights and making him desperate. He inhaled sharply and gave up, screaming at the way he felt and his inability to control it. He wanted release so badly, to have Hoseok pull his hair and move inside of him roughly. His vision was only blurred spots, a vague silhouette of where the red-haired man was sitting, face a bright red.

“I'm losing it,” he whispered while desperately holding on to the threads of consciousness that were left, the fragmented thoughts that told him he needed and wanted the other man. Suddenly, when he thought he was about to dry orgasm, the vibrations stopped. Hyungwon groaned.

_That asshole._

“How does it feel?” Hoseok’s low voice asked as the other man didn’t show any signs of joining him on the bed.

“Like I'm lying on the ashes of my awareness,” Hyungwon whispered, shaking his head to get a grip but it didn't help as he felt wrecked and desperate. He wanted to be touched. “Like- like I'm dying and you're the only salvation, Hoseok. Touch me.”

“Should I? Or should I turn the toy back on?” The pale hand was slowly stroking over the other man’s length as Hoseok watched him from under the red mask, visibly enjoying the way he lay on the sheets, spread-legged and eager.

“Touch me,” Hyungwon repeated, mouthing it again and again when nothing happened and his voice didn't produce the sounds anymore. His lips had to be enough as his eyes stared at the red-haired man.

_He wants you too, Hyungwon. He is only delaying it to make you crack._

Hyungwon doubted that he could resist it forever though. It was an unfair game, one in which he was the one to soar in ecstasy. He already felt like walking over to Hoseok and sitting down on him.

_Why aren't you doing it then?_

Chewing on his lips, he forced himself to get up, limbs like jelly and body still overly sensitive. He couldn't see himself, but he knew his eyes must have been pitch black. His steps were careful, one naked foot placed in front of the other until he finally arrived in front of Hoseok. Exhaling roughly he put his tied hands behind the red-haired man's head and settled on his lap. He couldn't contain a whimper at the motion of the toy inside him, the vibrations had made him more sensitive.

“You're the red devil,” he whispered and leaned in to kiss the superior grin off Hoseok’s curved lips.  


***

Hoseok hated it. He hated the way his thoughts made him feel and how his memories didn’t let him live, repeating inside his head and forcing the other man’s image into his consciousness, his eyes, his lips, his facial expressions, the hint of a smile when Hyungwon decided to show it. He also hated how the older man had ripped through the distance he had created and entered his apartment with the black mask, as if making fun of his provocations and rubbing all of his secret desires in his face. The way Hyungwon presented himself made him want to throw every concern out of the window and take him. Make him scream and, at least for a limited amount of time, make him his.

Instead he created distance, torturing himself with the sight and touching himself even though he could’ve touched Hyungwon’s dazzling body, drown in his moans, his touches, become one with him.

_This is not about becoming one, Hoseok. This is about you holding his rope._

He hadn’t calculated it well. He knew, as soon as the gorgeous, brown-haired man stood up from the bed and moved towards him, slow steps of his naked feet sounding like a clock ticking, the seconds until he lost his mind. As soon as the warm body settled on top of his lap, he gasped, showing his thoughts, before grinning to compensate. Hyungwon called him the red devil. He really wished that it was true.

“I fear that you’re my exorcism,” he whispered, before curling his arms around the other man’s waist, licking over his neck, his jaw, sinking his teeth into his shoulder and moving his hips under Hyungwon’s lean thighs to feel more.

“Fuck me,” Hyungwon whispered and covered his neck in kisses and bites, alternating between tender caresses and rough grazing of his teeth over Hoseok’s pale skin. The gorgeous man pressed down and rolled his hips, eager in his motions and the way he worshipped Hoseok’s body. “I know you want me too. Take it out and replace it with you. This is not enough, but you are perfect.”

_You can’t give up like this. Since when are you so weak?_

He lifted his hand and curled his fingers into Hyungwon’s silky strands, pulling the other man’s head back and tracing the curve of his delicious, golden neck with his lips.

“Beg for it,” he hissed.

“Make me,” Hyungwon hissed back and rolled his hips again. A moan was on the plump lips, threatening to escape at the way he pulled the brown strands. The gorgeous man obviously enjoyed the roughness, trembling a little in his hold. “Show me what you're offering me.”

“I should’ve tied you to the bed,” he hissed in reply and pulled the toy out. He needed lube and a condom, so he pushed the beautiful man from his lap and went to the bed, prepared himself and returned to the chair, eyeing Hyungwon who sat on the chair spread-legged, tied up and so so pretty. The brown-haired man's eyes were black as they watched every step of his, head tilted back and chest rising and falling quickly. He must have been much more desperate than he let on.

‘Take me,’ he mouthed.

‘Make me,’ he mouthed back, fingers shaking from the wish to grab the other man and make him his.

A few seconds passed during which Hyungwon didn't react apart from blinking slowly and curling his hands into tight fists, knuckles turning white and thighs contracting visibly.

Another deep inhale followed until the gorgeous man suddenly stood up and crossed the distance in a few seconds and pushed him back, hard and sudden enough to fall on the sheets. Hyungwon didn’t wait to climb on top of him, slim hips settling over his groin and rolling in a smooth motion.

“Watch me,” Hyungwon whispered as he leaned in and licked over his lips, motion perfectly paired with a hand wrapping around the base of his erection. Hoseok could feel the tip of his dick prop against the beautiful man's entrance. His body shuddered in anticipation, hands travelling over the other man’s thighs as he sucked in Hyungwon’s gorgeous features.

“It’s the only thing that I do lately,” he murmured and tilted his head.

Hyungwon's pink tongue licked over his luscious lips before licking over Hoseok’s and he lowered his hips, rolling them so that the head of his erection was rubbing over his crack. The handsome man hummed and contracted the muscles in his stomach and thighs, as if he wanted to remind Hoseok of what he was missing.

“I think-” he started and compensated his burning desire with a sneaky grin. “I think you should sit on it.”

Teeth settled on Hyungwon's full lips and his mouth corners twitched, hinting towards a smile. Spreading his legs a little wider, Hyungwon let go of Hoseok’s erection and inserted a few fingers into his body as far as Hoseok could tell. He pumped them in and out a few times with as much leverage as he had with tied wrists before removing them again. The smile grew a little and only when he lined up and simply sank down in a rough motion, holding his breath, did Hoseok understand. The sensation was overwhelming, sudden and without much of a warning. He moaned and threw his head back at the suffocating tightness paired with burning pleasure that spread in his groin. Grabbing the other man’s hips, he lifted his upper body from the sheets and clashed their lips together while moving his hips in circles to tease. The game was not over yet.

Hyungwon whimpered and slipped his arms around Hoseok’s neck by pulling them over him, keeping the ribbon that tied his wrists behind Hoseok’s head.

“Fuck me,” the brown-haired man whispered again and tried to push his hips down, body contracting around Hoseok’s length repeatedly. He had almost forgotten what it felt like to be inside the other man. “Take me, fuck, do it, Hoseok.” He tried to resist but it was no use, not with how Hyungwon clenched around him and not with the other man’s ethereal face right in front of him, blood-red lips whispering and asking him to take him.

“You make me weak,” he hissed and let himself fall back onto the sheets, holding Hyungwon’s hips in a tight grip and thrusting into him from the bottom, using the mattress as leverage. He wanted more, shit, he wanted so much more. “Give me your wrists,” he ordered.

Hyungwon was quick to obey as he moaned loudly and met each of his motions. The hands that he had been holding in the air were stretched out towards him as the gorgeous man threw his head back, showing off his long and delicious neck. He only needed a few seconds to undo the knot, leaving the ribbon hanging loosely around one of Hyungwon’s wrists. He was determined to make the other man scream from pleasure.

“Turn around, reverse cowboy.” He licked over his lips and stroked over Hyungwon’s back as soon as the other man turned. Wrapping his arms around the ridiculously slim waist, Hoseok pulled him on top of himself and curled both hands around Hyungwon’s smooth thighs, lifting them in the air. “Ah, I want to stay like this,” Hoseok muttered and started moving, rough, precise thrusts that made him lose his mind even more than the games they had played before.

Hyungwon screamed, low, unrestrained, just the way he had wanted him to as the beautiful man reached out and dug his nails into Hoseok’s thighs. He must have been delirious and incoherent, saying his name and curses in alteration while contracting around him. The brown-haired man wasn't able to come, not with the ring around his erection and the way he gasped and tensed like he was close made it even more obvious.

“H- Hoseok,” Hyungwon gasped again and screamed right after. The slim man threw his head back on his shoulder as his body spasmed, dry orgasming from overstimulation. “Let me- come.”

“Should I?” he teased and sunk his teeth into Hyungwon’s delicious neck, covered in sweat and partially by the red ribbon he had put on the other man.

“You could…” Hyungwon contracted on purpose and hissed loudly, “also come before me.” The slim body on top of him was trembling so much, responding to every little shift. “Fuck me hard like you want to and let me come. Come on, Hoseok, make me yours. I want to scream your name.” Hyungwon spoke much faster than usual as his nails scratched along Hoseok’s thighs.

“I never come first,” he hissed and turned them, lying on his side and holding Hyungwon’s thigh to be able to thrust into his tight body smoothly. Reaching between Hyungwon’s legs, he opened the ring and started slamming his hips into the gorgeous man, moans and curses raining down from his lips as he felt his orgasm approach at an insane pace.

Hyungwon lost it, muscle tension reducing and allowing Hoseok to treat him like a rag doll as he screamed and moaned with his mouth opened and his head thrown back. The grip he had on Hoseok’s thighs was painful but not enough to penetrate through the thick layer of arousal and pleasure that centered at the connection of their bodies.

A few particularly rough thrusts were enough to pull a low scream of his name from Hyungwon's lungs and feel the gorgeous man contract around him as he finally orgasmed. Hoseok was so thankful that he could lose himself in his motions, in the feeling of Hyungwon’s beautiful body in his arms and around him, the moans that still spilled from the gorgeous red lips. A few rough movements and he orgasmed, body shaking during the aftermath and previous intensity. It felt crazy. When his eyes opened he saw that the black mask had shifted, revealing Hyungwon’s dazzling features. Biting down on his bottom lip, he fixed it and buried his face in the warm crook of the other man’s neck, holding onto him tightly.

Hyungwon leaned back against his chest and exhaled roughly, still shaking from the aftermath. “Kiss me,” he whispered and cupped his face with his left hand, turning to the side to make it possible. It felt different all of a sudden, but the beautiful,  brown eyes that watched him from under the black mask made the longing worse. It seemed as if the man in his arms knew very well that Hoseok wanted it too. He licked over his lips and leaned down, covering Hyungwon’s plump mouth with his own, tasting him and melting into the intimate kiss.

Hyungwon turned in his embrace while they kissed, still cupping his face and meeting his lips tenderly. It was the opposite of the rough sex they’d had just now. It still burned, but differently.

“Will you accept me if I come again?” Hyungwon whispered and placed another kiss to his chin and his jaw before turning to his lips. The big hands were so hot on his face.

Hoseok hummed, eyes fluttering shut to feel more of the gentle caresses of the other man’s fingers and lips. “How could I not?” he replied and leaned into Hyungwon’s hands, wishing for time to stop for once.

“You don’t film us, after all it is just for your pleasure,” the deep voice replied, rough from screaming his name. A thumb carefully brushed over his cheek and a little bit under the mask, but without removing it. “And for mine.”

The words hurt, as if they carried a message he couldn’t agree with. But why? Hyungwon was right, all of it was for their pleasure. Or not?

“Is it?” he asked.

_Is it?_

_

Agreeing on playing Faust has been the best decision he had ever made. His mind couldn’t torment him with the images of the brown-haired man leaning into an intimate kiss while tenderly holding his face in his big hands. There was no such thing, there was only him, the insanely complicated character, the beautiful words and the people around him, watching him become someone else. Sucking in a long breath, he felt the familiar tingling spread all over his skin, making him aware but at the same time shielding him from everything that was inside him. There was only Faust. Faust and his ambivalence.

“ _You are aware of only one unrest;_  
Oh, never learn to know the other!  
Two souls, alas, are dwelling in my breast,  
And one is striving to forsake its brother.  
Unto the world in grossly loving zest,  
With clinging tendrils, one adheres;  
The other rises forcibly in quest  
Of rarefied ancestral spheres.  
If there be spirits in the air  
That hold their sway between the earth and sky,  
Descend out of the golden vapors there  
And sweep me into iridescent life.  
Oh, came a magic cloak into my hands  
To carry me to distant lands,  
I should not trade it for the choicest gown,  
Nor for the cloak and garments of the crown.”

_He is basically you._

The realization would’ve made him smile if he wasn’t on stage, accompanied by the intent gazes of people, strangers watching him and listening to his words, whole theater quiet like a cemetery. It was perfect. He was perfect.

“ _Then give me back that time of pleasures,_  
While yet in joyous growth I sang,  
When, like a fount, the crowding measures  
Uninterrupted gushed and sprang!  
Then bright mist veiled the world before me,  
In opening buds a marvel woke,  
As I the thousand blossoms broke,  
Which every valley richly bore me!  
I nothing had, and yet enough for youth  
Joy in Illusion, ardent thirst for Truth.  
Give, unrestrained, the old emotion,  
The bliss that touched the verge of pain,  
The strength of Hate,  
Love's deep devotion,  
O, give me back my youth again!”

The lines made him feel more than usual, more than they should have, there was something shaky in his voice, something desperate, as if the words came out of a hidden place deep inside him, sounding vulnerable and raw. As soon as he finished the last sentence on an embarrassingly emotional note, his eyes settled on the familiar brown ones, staring at him from the second row, just as the crowd responded with a deafening applause. He knew that the director would come, Hoseok was the one who gave him the ticket, but still he wasn’t ready to meet his calm gaze. Why was he calm? Why was Hoseok the only one who was in an emotional turmoil every time they met, talked, touched.

_Get a grip._

He tore away his gaze and concentrated on his fellow actors, who took his hands and bowed along with him, enjoying the generous applause. He smiled and forced himself not to look into the crowd, knowing too well that his eyes would meet the big brown ones, unable to resist. Just as he felt the most vulnerable, unprepared to be met with the familiar face, the curtain fell over his features and insecurities like a mask and drowned him in darkness.

He loved being on stage.

 

***

A line was meant to be simple, thin, black on white, easily recognizable. It should have been trivial to see it, to understand it and to avoid stepping over it.

_Since when do you struggle with that?_

Hyungwon had defined the line clearly, it was acting on his feelings. He wasn't going to do it and Hoseok being unaware of his own was to his advantage, it made keeping the distance between them even easier. If Hoseok had no awareness of being interested in him, then he wasn't going to be close or do risky, youthful things. It was fine for as long as the younger man didn't know, as long as it was only his own feelings.

_But not when his actions become emotional._

Hyungwon had struggled when they embraced after sex, when his thumb had a brief taste of the soft pale skin under the mask. It was forbidden territory but he had still explored it.

_But you have an excuse. You were spent and barely aware._

His feelings were for the person behind the mask and his body could have a taste of what the mask showed him. It was an easy line and he wasn't going to cross it, not anymore.

The seat was comfortable and the flowers he had brought were safely tucked away under it. It was almost the end of the play, the last monologue before the curtain closed and the red-haired man would reappear and bow in front of the fascinated audience. He had delivered an outstanding performance, emotional, accurate and genuine at the same time.

Hoseok called it ‘real’, the way he behaved towards the people he slept with. He said it was him, behaving genuinely and showing his self without fear. It was true, there was no fear.

_Because he defeats it by wearing a mask, hiding his emotions and the micro expressions that make him who he is._

The younger man was fascinated by acting on stage, by being in a play and turning into somebody else from beginning to end. Watching the way Hoseok moved, spoke, glanced at the audience, told Hyungwon how fragmented his view had been.

The reason Hoseok loved acting wasn't the possibility of being somebody else, to show emotions that weren't his while being expressive. The red-haired man _seemed like_ , but wasn't somebody else. He was himself, with all his depths and peculiarities. The difference was the excuse. The role was like a mask, an excuse for the things he could show and do. Hoseok was himself and nobody else.

_The stage gives him the freedom to be himself._

After the play ended, Hyungwon moved past the mesmerised crowd, bouquet of flowers in his hands. As soon as his eyes met the friendly blue eyes of the theatre director, he smiled and closed the distance.  The surprise on her face was the pleasant kind.

“Mr. Chae! What gives us the honour to have you in the audience?” she asked excitedly and accepted a bouquet of flowers from an unfamiliar girl that hugged her briefly before nodding at them and disappearing in the crowd.

“One of my actors happened to participate in your production. I hoped you'd do me the favour of letting me meet him and give him these flowers.” He smiled again and gestured towards the area he knew he needed special permission to enter.

“Oh, of course, who is it?” she asked and Hyungwon only smiled more.

“Faust himself.”

“Oh, Hoseok acts for you? In a movie? How come I haven't heard of it?”

“We're in the middle of filming, he excused himself to participate in the production,” he elaborated and hoped to end the talk a little faster and finally meet Hoseok. His desire to see the red-haired man wasn't plain politeness or a favour, but he was going to keep it professional nevertheless.

_You're his director and everything else has no space in your relationship._

Unless they wore masks. That was different.

“I hope you understand if I don't apologise and have no regrets whatsoever. The performance was superb, as if he was living the character.” Laughing briefly, the dark-haired woman gestured for him to follow and moved backstage.

_That's because he was._

 He blurred out the rest, remaining polite but distant. He had fulfilled his purpose and too much small talk only tired him out. He didn't know the woman very well, but he had been invited to premiers before, mostly when familiar actors were part of the cast. Therefore he needed to show at least basic communicative interest.

Once he was shown Hoseok’s dressing room, he was thankful that she left, giving him the privacy to give his flowers to the young actor.

His heartbeat sped up and it was almost ridiculous how excited he was about meeting Hoseok and possibly making him happy. Infatuation could be scary. What didn't evoke any particular emotions in him suddenly affected his heartbeat.

He didn't bother knocking and opened the door, eyes meeting the red-haired man who stood half naked in the dressing room, leaning over the make-up table, and staring at his own reflection.

_He's trying to see beyond it, isn't he?_

“Congratulations,” he exclaimed cheerfully and stepped closer, holding out the flowers. He had picked them according to meaning. Most likely no-one was ever going to check and figure out what he was trying to say, but he always liked small meaningful gestures and details. They were all throughout his movies. He probably wouldn't even be sad if nobody realized. “You were amazing, Hoseok.”

The other man was obviously startled, eyes widening and gaze sliding over his face and body, before locking with his. The nudity didn't seem to throw him off, it was more the fact that Hyungwon had seen him staring in the mirror.

“Oh- you came,” Hoseok murmured and took the flowers, hiding behind them. “Thank you- you didn't have to. And I'm sorry again for fucking up your filming schedule.”

“You're not sorry,” Hyungwon replied and laughed. There was no way that Hoseok regretted starring in the production and he wouldn't allow the red-haired man tell to him otherwise. “You are well suited to the stage. I can tell it makes you happy.” He stepped a little closer than was strictly necessary and watched Hoseok’s face. He seemed a little nervous, overwhelmed, a mixture of many things. “But I'm also happy to have you back as Benjamin. We're going to Hallstatt soon, I hope you've finished most of your term projects.”

“I- yes, I did. It'll be a new experience,” Hoseok replied and looked mildly terrified. “Thank you for coming. You didn't have to.”

“But I wanted to. The flowers express all of my complicated feelings.” He wanted to facepalm at his pride getting in the way and wanting his hard work to be appreciated. He smiled a little in the hope that Hoseok would ignore it and gestured around the room. “It's really spacious, that's nice.”

He sucked at non-professional talk, especially when he tried to keep a polite distance to not act like an obvious idiot.

“Your- your complicated feelings? What feelings? Is it some kind of puzzle? Do I have to solve it now? I don't know anything about flowers, fuck- Hyungwon you-” Hoseok’s face changed, a range of various emotions suddenly appearing before they disappeared as the red-haired man turned around, showing him his pale, muscular back.

“No, you don't have to solve anything if you don't want to. It's- god, I was just being obsessive about pointless things. I like putting some details into every gift, like the stuff that's engraved on the light I gave you. My head works like that.” He sighed at himself and hoped Hoseok would turn around again. He was sensitive to anything that even mildly resembled rejection. “It's- stupid, really.”

“There is stuff engraved on the lights? What?” The flowers landed on the white table as Hoseok pulled a black shirt over his muscular body, stepping closer, almost too close. “Why are you so detailed? Everything you do seems so conscious, perfectly planned, clear and then there's me.” The red-haired man looked vulnerable, chewing on his bottom lip while his eyes switched between his eyes and his lips.

“Sometimes it's nice to just let things happen as they do. It's not that I don't want to be spontaneous anymore, I can't, not without being painfully aware that I'm doing it,” Hyungwon replied and sighed. It was true. He hadn't always been so meticulous, but after some time one stops being surprised. Things that happen become familiar plotlines that can be easily predicted, there is nothing surprising anymore and in the end one doesn't even bother to start the plotline because the ending is clear.

_You're not a protagonist and don't need to become one, it's pointless. You know how it will end._

“You're under control, huh?” The other man tilted his head and the familiar intense gaze visited the handsome face before disappearing again. “I see. I'll get ready then, can't occupy this room for hours. Thank you so much for coming and for letting me do this even though it was hard with the filming schedule. Thank you, really.” The black eyes left him and there was distance again.

_He doesn't like it._

“Well, I'll leave you to it then. Enjoy the rest of the day and I hope to see you tomorrow for filming.” Hyungwon licked over his lips and prepared to leave. He felt disappointed, but it was the infatuation speaking, the knowledge that he could be closer if they spent more time with each other. Hoseok’s reaction made it easier to leave.

“I'll be there. There isn't much left of the day. I'll just sleep. But then, I should maybe film another video before we go to the mountains.” Smiling to himself, Hoseok packed his phone into the pocket of his jeans, grabbed his backpack and the flowers Hyungwon gave him and made his way past him to the exit. “Are you staying here?”

_Is he provoking you again? What does he want you to do, film with him instead?_

Hyungwon pursed his lips, thinking about the best course of action. There was a difference between being alone with masks and being alone without masks. The first was fine, but the last wasn't.

“Is the point of filming, the video in the end, or…?” he asked and lifted an eyebrow. They could be entering a dangerous zone, but that depended on the outcome and where their conversation was going.

“If it was, what was the point of our meetings then? It's more complex. For me it's like returning to something I do best, something familiar, safe.” Hoseok held the door open for him while looking to the side and elaborating on his question.

Hyungwon smiled at the answer, it was closer to an invitation and calmed the dissatisfaction in his heart that told him not to leave. He needed a good reason though, one that justified playing with the line he had created in his mind.

“Is this an invitation, Hoseok?” he asked and stepped past the red-haired man before putting his palm on top of his hand, holding the door handle together.

“It's me wanting to take this control of yours and rip it to shreds,” the low voice answered before the warm hand disappeared from under his grip.

Hyungwon smiled at that, crossing his arms in front of his chest and examining the younger man's face. Playing with control was a little risky, he didn't pay too much attention to what he was doing afterwards.

_Like stroking over his face tenderly._

“Tempting, but I believe that you should sleep for today. You’ve had a few very long days and I would like for you to be at your best tomorrow. We're doing the last few scenes within the house.” Thinking about what those scenes were, Hyungwon swallowed down a brief thought of dissatisfaction at the sex scene they still had to film. His infatuation was going to give him a hard time with that, Hoseok’s reactions were real, even if they weren't towards Marlene.

_If only you knew what he thinks about._

“Oh, I really appreciate you for worrying about my health, sir,” Hoseok hissed and walked a few steps before turning around briefly. “Don't worry. I'll be on time. Mr. Chae.” Throwing his backpack over his shoulder, the red-haired man turned around and left, fluid motions increasing the distance between them until he disappeared around a corner.

The formal name was like a slap in his face and Hyungwon tried his best to swallow it down with the bitter taste in his mouth. His hand was still on the door handle, so he pulled it shut, listening to the way it echoed in the mostly empty hallway. Feelings like the ones he had at the moment were fine, they disappeared eventually. He had upset Hoseok and it hurt, but it had been his decision to not get too close.

_You are too affected right now, if you go to him with that mindset you will make a mistake._

He sighed and brushed through his hair, frustrated that he couldn't decide to just stop caring and focus on his movie instead. He couldn't, he kept thinking about the spiteful way in which Hoseok had said his last name and how quickly he had left, everything about him screaming anger and disappointment.

His steps sounded empty, much like he felt, as he walked outside to grab a taxi home. The brain was fascinating in the way it found parallels to all emotions. Rain was more obvious when one felt sad and colours were more dull when one was bored. There were always associations, like the brain tried to find confirmation for the way one felt in the outside world.

Hyungwon didn't really need confirmation, he only wanted to stop before Hoseok realized what was going on.

Please.

 


	10. 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Birthday Update. Thank you so much everybody for your nice words. I love you!
> 
> “I like it,” he whispered. “Your weakness.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 23rd of April at 2 PM CET.  
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
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>   
>   
> We are always so damn grateful about every little bit of feedback, be it a comment, kudos or a message on Twitter :D You guys are the major reason that we write! (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)

If there was something that he hated, then it was the way some people tried to make him look stupid by showing fake superiority. You have money? Great. You are experienced? Also great. You feel calm and ready for anything? Fucking great, but weakness was not something bad, not something that should've made him feel inferior, but the director managed. He managed to make him feel weak and needy in a bad way. Needy for his confirmation, greedy for his touch, his attention. He hated it and he hated himself for being like this.

_Stay away. Just stay the fuck away, Hoseok._

He was tired after acting like an idiot and letting someone come at midnight, filming for two hours, even though he was exhausted and not in shape, but he had literally pressed it out of himself, regretting everything as soon as it was over.

_Now he also makes you regret doing what you have been doing all the time._

Groaning loudly he opened the door to the set and searched for the blonde woman. They had become close during the filming and talked about this and that. He had wanted to give her the ticket to his play, but she was busy in the evening, so he gave it to the director.

_You shouldn't have done it._

He couldn't remember having as many regrets about life decisions as he had during the past week. Maybe it was the stress from the prospect of leaving the city, or it was the anger that kept boiling in his veins as soon as he thought about the brown-haired man, or saw his stone-like expression on set.

“Hey. Did the schedule change, or are we filming as planned?” he asked the pretty, blonde woman who was getting her makeup done. Smiling, he sat in the chair next to her, stretching out his arms and placing his head on top of them. “How was your evening yesterday?”

“Pretty nice, my husband found the time to come to the city, we live in Salzburg as I told you, and we looked at works by Gustav Klimt in the morning and ate out in the evening. I am basically a happy wife. The museum looks gorgeous at night, I'm sure you've seen it.” Marlene chuckled and turned her head to the side as somebody from the makeup team drew on her face. “Too bad it wasn't museum night.”

“You should've told me, I have this friend and I'm allowed to go there at night sometimes. It's relatively dark though and you can't see well, but on the bright side, there are no people. I'm glad that you had fun, you must miss home.” He could only imagine how terrible it must've been to stay in a foreign city for months without the safe space of one's home. “You should've seen me in Faust. I was way better than anything I can show here.” A smile lifted his cheeks and he fixed the blonde woman's sleeve that was stuck.

“Oh my god, yes, I'm sorry! I wanted to congratulate you, especially after seeing you in the paper. You should be happy that the director went instead of me. They interviewed him later cause they recognised him and he basically gave a lecture on how amazing you are.” Marlene laughed again and glanced to the side, probably to check whether the director was watching them as they prepared for the scene. Leaning a little closer, she grinned. “I didn't even know that he knew so many positive words.”

The comment made him swallow, bitter feeling spreading inside his chest. He didn't want the director to talk nicely about him. He didn't want the director to care.

_He probably did because he knows that you're mad. He just doesn't know why._

“Did he? I'm happy that it wasn't a waste of time for him. My professor praised me, it was the best.” He smiled shyly and ruffled up his hair, still lying on his arms and watching his colleague get ready for the scene. “I think I will miss you when the movie's over.” Standing up, they both went to the bed and he lay down as they waited for the PA's to set everything up.

“Don't tell my husband, he's already pouting because you're twenty and all buff and he feels ugly.” She smiled and slapped his arm, probably to emphasize how muscular he was. The beautiful woman lay down next to him, arms wrapped around his neck. “He'll still watch the movie though, he always does,” she whispered when they were too close to speak normally.

“But isn't it weird for him? I mean- to see you being close to someone else?” He liked how natural their skinship was. There was nothing sexual about it, at least not for him. Marlene was a beautiful human and he really enjoyed her company, making the touches even more intuitive and innocent. “I mean, I have no-one who would care about me being close to someone. Besides my best friend Minhyuk, maybe, and he would just watch to make fun of me.”

“He'd do it in a loving way, I'm sure,” Marlene remarked with a wink. Whenever he talked about Minhyuk, she was convinced that he was a pure and affectionate friend at heart. Her face got a little more serious when she prepared to answer his question. “It's- different. Sometimes it doesn't matter, it's basically me with a husband, pretending and dry humping  a man who has a wife. Both of us know it's meaningless, but it still feels strange, especially with all those people watching. When I just started out there was something you could kind of, cover your vagina with, being blunt with you. But that was uncomfortable and fell off and at one point I decided ‘why am I bothering so much?’. You're amazing, you instantly didn't care, off with all those clothes. To be honest with you, the filming only gets difficult when there is chemistry, real chemistry, but you- shouldn't act on it. You're married and have somebody, but you still have to be close to that person. It makes it hard to separate what's real and what's acting.” The blonde woman sighed and leaned her head against his naked shoulder as she was supposed to. The camera team was adjusting the angle. There had been something that the director didn't like.

Hoseok let his hand travel over Marlene’s forearm as he thought about the woman's words.

“Ah, that's why I'm not made for relationships. I live for chemistry. And there can be chemistry with a few people. I don't know if I could ignore it if it's there. I probably couldn't,” he murmured more to himself and looked to the ceiling.

_You definitely can't._

“It's not the same though. There is the chemistry that means you can film together well, like you and me, but then there is also the chemistry that makes you want to drop everything and kiss that person senseless after every scene because you feel so much. Like- when you are done with the scene, it's over, you know that both of you should return to the distance between you and live your life, but you still reach out and kiss them. It's like that, continuing to play because you don't want it to end. That's not simply chemistry, it's much more than that.” Again Marlene sighed and pressed her naked upper body against his chest. “This is a little weird now that we're not filming, but you never respond, it's nice but also not. The complicated feelings of a woman.”

“You want me to get aroused? I can. Are you sure that you'll feel better?” he asked and grinned brightly. “But I know what you mean. I think I've experienced something similar before.”

Marlene lifted her head and stared at him with her blue eyes, probably because of his first comment.

“Dear God, you sound so innocent saying that, like I asked you to flex your leg or something, your third leg.” She giggled before she covered her mouth. “Please don't. That's what I meant, if you get hard it's awkward, if you don't it could mean I'm undesirable, but I already figured that you like something else.”

“Don't cover your mouth. You look beautiful when you laugh.” Hoseok smiled brightly and wiggled a little in an attempt to shake off the cringe. “But- what do you do when you feel like you mentioned with someone on set? Do you ignore it?”

“The first time it happened I got married,” Marlene replied and smiled again, expressions soft like the memory was a very pleasant one. “The second I was very conflicted, it was only a year ago. I talked to my husband about it, said I don't really know what to do about it and it drives me mad. He was really nice and understanding, he also acts after all, but in the end I didn't do anything. I was too scared.”

“Understandable. The thing is, you always give something in return when you're about to get something. The question is always: is what you get worth it? I doubt that it mostly is.” He sighed and prepared for filming as the guys started shuffling around them.

“I regretted it later,” Marlene whispered and didn't say anything else, face switching to that of Marie, affectionate and aware.

_But it's biased. She could've made a different decision and regretted it too. She will never know._

He nodded and curled his arms around the woman's waist, turning into Benjamin. The Benjamin that the director had been so fascinated with. The Benjamin that he believed was Hoseok.

***

Another carefully folded shirt landed in his suitcase, joining the others and three pairs of suit pants. There were only a few casual outfits, reserved for the days when he planned on exploring the village they were going to or climbing up a mountain.

Hyungwon knew that he was going to be overdressed, but he always made sure to be formal when he worked. It had something to do with the way he felt, a trick to convince himself to stay professional and focused. It worked, so he continued to use it.

The equipment had already been taken care of by the company they hired. They had moved everything to the little village they were going to film in. The filming location wasn't the village itself, but rather a small house further up the mountain with view of the lake. The scenery was beautiful and had the melancholy that Hyungwon had been looking for. The last time he had been to Hallstatt was over half a year ago now. He had explored a few recommended places and decided on the gorgeous little village next to a lake and with view of the mountains. A bus was the chosen method of transportation because of the big crew and he genuinely hoped that it wouldn't end up like his high school class trips.

_Everybody is loud and this one kid throws you nasty glances because he hates you._

Hoseok was probably going to throw him nasty glances or pretend that he didn't exist unless he gave him an acting instruction. At least that had been the way the two of them had spent the past week. His jealousy hadn't made it any better, words much rougher and less considerate than they usually were. Kihyun had even asked him if something bothered him recently. It was a bad sign.

_Your own decisions and their outcomes bother you._

It could have been easy. Hyungwon had imagined a safe distance for the time they were on set, closeness when they wore masks and nothing apart from that. Well, unfortunately Hoseok was still angry at him for pointing out that he wanted him without acting on it. It made sense, it was mean, especially from Hoseok’s perspective. But Hyungwon hadn't wanted to make an amateur mistake, lose his senses and get closer than he intended which could possibly make Hoseok realize that their feelings were mutual. That was definitely a no go.

_While hating you, he can't realize that he actually likes you._

He sighed. Watching Hoseok act with Marlene and give her all of his attention had hurt, a lot. Not even once had Hoseok looked at him, be it when he talked, reprimanded him or asked him a question. Of course the younger man had pretended to look to be polite, but he couldn't trick Hyungwon, he knew what genuine attention looked like. He knew those almost black eyes all too well.

_But there is nothing you can do, only wait until it disappears, stops hurting and you can start being ignorant about who Hoseok is close to._

The two videos Hoseok had filmed over the past week, hadn't made it easier either. Instead they served as a reminder that Hyungwon had rejected him, giving him time for others and their bodies. Even the way Hoseok repeated a few things he had done with Hyungwon was a punch in the face. A childish one, but a punch nevertheless.

_It doesn't matter, as long as it works, and it works because you care._

Adulting hadn't made Hyungwon immune to emotional manipulations, if anything it had made him more vulnerable to getting hurt. Crying and getting angry at the other person for the way they made you feel was easier than having nobody to blame but yourself while still knowing it was the better decision.

_Maybe the fresh air will help you to distract yourself, see him in different contexts and find something you don't like, something that makes him less likable._

Possibly the red-haired man was also going to be close to others, spend time with Marlene and ignore him like a hateful classmate. It would make his attempts easier. Who could, after all, like somebody that gave them no affection at all? Rejection was supposed to make it easier to break with the thoughts.

_But the sexual attraction will stay and right now he might not even give you that. He seemed furious, even yesterday._

Groaning at his own complicated thoughts and the lack of a solution, Hyungwon threw his prostate vibrator into his suitcase and hoped it would give him peace when nothing else did. He wasn't dependent on sexual gratification and toys, but it helped to unwind when his mind slowly left the realms of his thoughts and memories and entered the dangerous zone of reality.

_That's why you stay as far away from it as possible, your mind comes up with unrealistic scenarios that it tries to play out for real._

No matter how Hoseok was going to feel over the month they were in the village, Hyungwon hoped that it wasn't going to disrupt the filming.

Because when it came down to it, art was the only thing that really mattered.

_

It really felt like a school trip when he threw his suitcase into the storage compartment of the gigantic blue bus and walked over to the entrance door. Most of the seats were already taken by the actors and some members of the sound team. Kihyun was sitting at the very back but Hyungwon would only feel nauseated if he joined him, so he tried to look for an alternative. The front seat was the optimal choice for him, if it hadn’t been already occupied that is.

Hoseok was sitting at the window with Marlene next to him, patting his shoulder like he wasn't feeling too well and she attempted to encourage him. Hyungwon's blood boiled even though his brain instantly supplied that it was meaningless and she had no interest in Hoseok whatsoever which also applied the other way around.

_But it's not what it means, it's the attention that's not yours anymore._

“Excuse me,” he began and chewed on his cheek, feeling like he was the unpopular kid that wanted to sit next to a cheerleader in a high school movie. A bad plot line, again.

Marlene looked over and immediately squeezed his hand in greeting, telling him about how excited she was since Hallstatt was one of her favourite villages, the prettiest in Austria according to her grandfather. Hyungwon nodded politely as his eyes kept switching to Hoseok who simply stared out of the window, as if his thoughts were floating somewhere outside and he attempted to catch them.

Hyungwon swallowed at the discomfort of having to chase away Marlene and sit next to Hoseok at the same time.

“Marlene, could you- could you do me a favour?” he forced out and felt pain on the inside of his cheek from biting down too harshly. He hated being vulnerable, feeling like a single judgemental glance from Hoseok could break him into pieces. “I- feel really nauseated on bus trips and need to sit at the front. Do you think it's-”

“Of course.” The blonde woman was quick to reply even before he finished, grabbing her small handbag from between her legs and moving to the back where she sat next to Kihyun. He couldn't help a brief moment of embarrassment when she winked at him.

_They must have realized that the two of you act strange around each other._

Hyungwon hated it, he hated how obvious it was, how his blood ran cold in his veins at the memories inside his head and how afraid he was of what was going to happen next.

“Can I?” he asked quietly as his hands dug into the seat and his stomach already began to turn uncomfortably. Hoseok must’ve been mentally absent as his black eyes settled on him and widened in surprise before showing a vulnerability he hadn’t seen in the red-haired boy before. He seemed like a boy during this brief moment.

“But-” Hoseok started and looked around, eyes searching for Marlene, who smiled at him in reassurance. “Sure- I mean, sure, please take a seat.”

Hyungwon nodded and sat down, fingers shaking at the adrenaline still running through him and all the negative scenarios he had invented in his head. It had seemed so easy to imagine Hoseok giving him a fake smile and coming up with a legitimate reason for also sitting further in the back.

_But he seems so different, like he's scared and Marlene knows why, calming him down._

“Are you feeling okay?” he asked, even though the question seemed like a filler, something anybody could ask when they didn't know what else to say. It was more than that to Hyungwon though. Maybe it was his alternative for ‘are we okay?’. Hoseok didn’t answer immediately, instead the other man kept looking at the studio building as the bus slowly moved away from their parking area.

“I guess. How are you feeling?”

“Mixed,” he replied, choosing the most genuine expression without revealing too much. He did feel mixed, a mixture of hurt, disappointment at himself for not being able to deal with the distance, anger at succumbing to it and wanting to apologize. A lot of things.

_But it's basic human decency. If you hurt someone you need to apologize._

“I'm sorry.” He was, he was sorry for hurting the red-haired man enough to ruin their relationship on set and eradicating opportunities for any conversation they could have had. Even if Hyungwon wanted distance, this wasn't what he had imagined.

“Why would you be sorry?” Hoseok’s pale fingers dug into his jeans-clad thighs, as if attempting to hold on. The black eyes stared at the dirty looking floor instead of meeting his gaze.

“Because I acted cowardly and hurt you in the process. I mean every word, I'm sorry. I-” Hyungwon paused and listened to the way the others were involved in their own conversations, not paying them any attention. “I wanted to come with you, but got scared at the last moment, making it seem like you were the only one who wanted to be close.”

He had to be careful with his words, but the adrenaline and the fear of not getting his point across made him desperate to make up, to return the way they acted around each other before, calm and without pressure.

“Is this the reason why you sat next to me?” Hoseok asked, biting down on his lip and looking outside.

“No- it's-” Hyungwon stared at his feet, then at the barricade that he could hold onto in front of him, preventing the two of them from flying through the windshield. He felt uncomfortable and rather sick and only when his eyes focused on the moving cars in front of him did he realize that he hadn't kept his attention on the street.

_You'll vomit, Hyungwon, focus._

He stopped talking, instantly feeling nausea crawling up his stomach as soon as he wasn't distracted anymore. He hoped that it wasn't too obvious, face a deadly colour, but his hands already looked a little pale. Pressing his lips together, he  desperately watched the street in front of them.

“No? I thought you wanted to see more of my flaws so you could step on them and make me feel bad for being weak. You’re really good at that, I’ve never felt so stupid for showing vulnerability before, I always thought it was okay, it was human, it was likable even, but I guess it’s not your style. I’m not your style. It’s fine. I’m not mad, I’m trying to not lose my shit.” Hoseok’s low voice stopped and he heard the other man inhale deeply and keeping the air inside his lungs for a long time before exhaling again.

“No, Hoseok, that's not-” Hyungwon's breathing frequency increased as he tried to keep his body from overreacting to the curve that followed the previously perfectly straight road. He didn't want Hoseok to misunderstand and assume that he disliked him and considered him weak, but he was also just about ready to empty the contents of his stomach on his lap. “You're very likable, Hoseok, so likable that it's scary to me, so I- god- I just didn't want to get closer than you consider comfortable, like last time- I-” He held his breath, eyes widening a little and hands shaking on his lap. Shit.

“Last time? Last time you told me to go to sleep like a good boy. That definitely made me uncomfortable, yes.” The other man turned and faced him for the first time since they started talking. “Are- are you okay? You look really pale.”

“No-” Hyungwon began and hoped that it answered both questions. He kept staring at the street, almost obsessively and dug his fingers into his thighs. “The last time you fucked me, Hoseok, and now- this might seem really weird, but could I please please lie on your lap? Right now?” Saliva was collecting in his mouth and he started to panic.

“You want to lie on-” Hoseok started but must’ve realized that it was urgent and curled an arm around his shoulders, pulling him down until his face touched the warm fabric of his jeans. “I have a plastic bag if you need to vomit. I didn’t know how I would react to the trip so Minhyuk gave me a few. He also gave me weird pills and alcohol to sleep through it.”

Hyungwon nodded quickly to show he was listening and buried his face deeper into the other man's muscular thighs while breathing calmly. It helped, it helped so fucking much that he wanted to embrace Hoseok’s waist and thank him for saving him from his misery. He licked over his lips and kept his eyes closed as he turned so that his face was towards the ceiling. It calmed the uproar inside his stomach and returned it to a vague sensation of sickness. The sudden relief gave him the ability to think about Hoseok’s words.

“You've never travelled on a bus before?” he asked, eyes still closed and voice a little strained.

“I- no. I always went to school by bike and then I got a scooter driver’s license.” The other man didn’t know where to put his hands, so he propped his right one against the window and let his left one rest on his chest. It was warm. Really warm.

_He sounds like somebody from a sweet village and not Vienna._

“Oh, you didn't get a car licence?” he asked and finally opened his eyes, focusing them on Hoseok’s face. “Why not?”

“Because I never wanted to go somewhere where I would need a car. I know the city like the back of my hand and the scooter is completely sufficient to go anywhere. I wouldn’t be surprised if you had a pilot license to just fly away from other people’s bullshit.” A low chuckle followed the other man’s words and he continued looking outside, watching the highway even though there was nothing much to see.

Hyungwon chuckled, but stopped as soon as it evoked an unpleasant motion in his stomach.

“I have a driver's licence, but I don't drive in Europe because I’m American and Americans can't drive for shit.” He smiled because that didn't hurt as much and shifted his head a little to place it into the hollow between the other man's thighs. It was more comfortable, like a pillow that adjusted. “I walk mostly. Apparently I also get lost in the process.”

“Don’t we all get lost sometimes?” Hoseok asked quietly and he remembered they had been the same words the other man had spoken to him as they sat in the small cafe next to Hoseok’s apartment and he had struggled with admitting that he got carried away and got lost.

“We do,” he whispered, feeling the much heavier meaning of the words sink in. “I'm still sorry, Hoseok. You are an amazing person and I really miss talking to you. I apologize for saying this while lying on your lap, but...will you forgive me?” He swallowed and looked up at the other man's face.

“I hate you for making me feel as if my vulnerability is something that I should be ashamed of,” the red-haired man whispered, looking right into his eyes, gaze serious and teeth abusing his bottom lip that already gained color and looked redder than the upper one. “Don’t be like this if you only want me wearing a mask. There’s no point in apologizing then. You didn’t want to come, it’s fine. I found someone else who really wanted to.”

Hyungwon's eyes widened, observing the delicate changes in Hoseok’s expression, in the way there was so much strength to it, covering the prior insecurities. He didn't know what to say because he couldn't tell the consequences, not with the way the red-haired man responded. Hyungwon hadn't predicted it, none of it. Hoseok should have preferred the mask, his way of hiding himself while showing everything at the same time.

_But he wants you to want more._

Hyungwon did, he wanted much more, but he had decided not to act on it. The only exception was friendship, being close without sexual intent and the pressure of requited feelings.

_It's the truth though, much closer than anything else. You missed talking to him, the attention, the coffee, the exchanges about art._

“I missed you, Hoseok, independent of the mask,” he replied and pulled his lips into his mouth. The feeling was right back, the fear of a negative reply or something he hadn't anticipated, terrifying him.

_This is how he must have felt, only that he hadn't anticipated it and the rejection hit him out of nowhere._

“I don’t know if you know what I’m talking about. If you think that you are the only person who knows me and gets all excited when thinking about me wearing the red silk on my face, then you’re terribly mistaken. It’s literally the same for 90% of the people. It means nothing. They’re all like that. What _does_ mean something is when someone who I share personal things with and who comes to see me act on stage, stomps on my insecurities for whatever reasons using my safe space to make me feel bad. I’m not going to tell you anything about me if you think that’s an okay thing to do. And I won’t wear the mask for you either.” Hoseok must’ve thought about it extensively, words clear and well formulated, whispered at him to not attract any curious listeners. It really wasn't the right place for their conversation, not with their current proximity and the strength with which Hyungwon's chest burned, hands shivering at the pain. Fuck, he must have really hurt Hoseok, much more than he had imagined.

The realization created dread that seemed to wrap around his heart and lungs like pitch, covering them whole and sinking to the pit of his stomach. It was the wrong time for such feelings and the wrong time for showing how emotional he could be. It was a side that he reserved for his memories and for when he was alone. Hoseok was hurt because Hyungwon had wanted him to stay oblivious, to remain naive about what was happening between them, to be confused by their chemistry and the way they were drawn towards each other.

_You used his insecurity to keep the distance, of course he feels hurt. You're an asshole, Hyungwon._

“I'm- oh my god- I'm so sorry, Hoseok. You don't need to- you don't have to wear the mask around me if you don't want to and-” He inhaled sharply to keep his voice under control. His eyes burned, in a damn bus. “I also understand if you don't want to talk to me. Fuck, I was being a coward, but I didn't think it was that bad for you. I like you as a person, Hoseok, but I thought it showed even- even in your safe space. That's why I- why I suddenly said no.” Hyungwon was barely able to talk and placed his right palm over his mouth to shut the fuck up already and calm down. Their conversation reminded him of something, big, hurt eyes and quivering lips until a door shut in his face.

_Get a fucking grip, it's a memory._

“It’s not for you to decide when I wear the mask and when I don’t. You like me as a person? I like you too but I also hate you. As mentioned. You know, I thought about it, you can think that I’m weak and rub my nose in it as much as you like.” A soft smile played around the corners of the curved lips. “Let them be helpless like children, because weakness is a great thing, and strength is nothing. Because what has hardened will never win.”

Hyungwon swallowed and thought about the citation, the implications that Hoseok was drawing. He had told the red-haired man before that not everything about his actions was choice. There was much more to it. He would have loved to explore a theme and pretend that it was new, that he had never seen it before and didn't know what would happen, but he did. He knew and he didn't want to get hurt.

_You don't want either of you to get hurt, but it's too late for that already, isn't it?_

“In everybody’s life there’s a point of no return. And in very few cases, a point where you can’t go forward anymore. And when we reach that point, all we can do is quietly accept the fact. That’s how we survive,” he cited back but kept his palm carefully lying on top of his lips. He didn't want to show his face when he was emotional, his eyes already showed enough. “Maybe I give up too early,” he added quietly and bit down on his cheek, enough to taste blood.

“Maybe.” Hoseok looked to the side, watching the rest of the crew members sleep or stare into their phones, attempting to kill time. “Maybe it’s not worth fighting for, who knows?” Again there was a soft smile and he felt the other man’s fingers rake through his hair carefully, intimately and hidden from everybody else.

It was pleasant, calming how the hot fingers applied pressure to his scalp. Hyungwon found himself leaning into it subconsciously. Licking over his lips, he hoped that the taste of blood in his mouth wasn't visible on his lips. He wanted to be close to Hoseok, be it to see him act and have black eyes meet his or not. Everything else didn't really matter, not at this moment when he felt the younger man's hands on him and could listen to his breaths.

 _Maybe you are the weak one, making decisions but not following through._  
  


***

Leaving Vienna was terrifying. More than terrifying. Minhyuk had done his best in giving him all kinds of advice, useful and definitely unrealistic, but it still didn’t prepare him for the way his heart clenched when he sat in the blue bus that took him further and further away from the place that he called home, the place where he felt safe. It didn’t help that he took his mask and it also didn’t really help that the brown-haired man apologized. He felt so weak that he wanted to tell Hyungwon, to say that he had never been outside of Vienna before, that he had never had sex without wearing his mask before, that he hadn’t been in a relationship before, that he had never felt like this about someone else before.

Instead he listened to Hyungwon talk, watching his eyes, big and vulnerable, pretty mouth telling him small details about his way of dealing with things that seemed so different from his own. Smiling softly at the way the beautiful man had held his big hand in front of his face, he couldn’t help thinking about how the mask made him feel.

“You know- when I saw you lost on the street, I think it was the first time that I realized that you were really beautiful. Funny, right? I think because it was the first time that I could see something weak in your face, it showed and it was stunning.” He kept raking through the other man’s hair, careful to not attract too much attention, but it was easy as they were sitting in the first row and the bus driver had other things to pay attention to.

Hyungwon's eyes opened after being closed for a while, fixing on him at the new piece of information. He was still holding his palm over his lips, like a precaution. “You mean insecurity, right? Do you… find that beautiful?” the brown-haired man asked and slowly removed his hand, as if it was a silent agreement. His lips were unusually red, a much brighter colour.

“Consider this, Mr. Chae. If everyone was strong and confident and had no issues or insecurities in sight, would we want to be next to someone else? I think insecurities and weaknesses are what brings people together, they are what makes us want to get close to someone else because we think: oh, he is weak, this is interesting, I am weak too, but differently. We can be weak together and can create something strong out of it.” Looking away again, he brushed his thumb over Hyungwon’s lips, testing whether he was bleeding. “Yes, I do find it beautiful.”

_Also, you’re one to talk about being strong together while not being able to date properly since forever. Not that you ever wanted to though._

There was a twitch in the corner of the other man's mouth as he glanced up at him, lips parting a little at his gesture. “You mean like me being barely able to move my body and you can punch through a wall? As an example. Isn't it a little utopian that those insecurities will align so beautifully? They might for a while, but in some cases it is clear from beginning on that they won't, isn't it?” There was a slow exhale and the gorgeous, big eyes closed again. “My insecurities are kept on the inside, in my thoughts and memories. It's what gives me inspiration and fuels my creativity. That's why I can't let them come out, it breaks me when I do.”

“It’s a choice you make. If you don’t want to let them out, keep them in. Whatever makes you happy. I never said that everything will align beautifully. I said that it’s what makes us want to get close, to see more, to understand. In the process we might get thrown off, leave, or stay to know more. That’s how it is. It’s not good or bad, it just is.”  The talk distracted him from the fact that he felt uneasy, heart beating fast and thoughts about being far away from home forcing an unknown wave of sadness to rush over his already messed up emotions.

“You sound book smart,” Hyungwon replied and smiled. For a brief moment he felt a hot palm on top of his own, stroking along his fingers until it disappeared again. “And you are very mature. Sometimes.” Chuckling, the other man grinned up at him before stopping and holding his breath. It must have made him a little sick. The red colour of his lips remained, but got less when he licked over his lips. “Is something worrying you, Hoseok? You're all tense.”

_Just say it._

Inhaling deeply, he looked outside which made his thoughts even scarier, so he focussed his attention on the man on his lap.

“First of all there is an attractive man on my lap,” he started with a grin, before remembering that he had wanted to show more weakness. “And secondly, I’m fucking terrified because I’m getting further away from home and my brain is trying hard to think of ways to ditch everything and go back as soon as possible.”

The older man's eyes turned humongous at his first comment and he glanced around briefly before listening to his confession. Once the words were out Hyungwon settled back on his lap and nodded once. “But… it is only for a month, isn't it? In addition, it is a very pretty village, I was overwhelmed when I saw it for the first time.”

“I don’t care whether it’s pretty.  And a month is a really long time. It’s terrifying. I’ve never been away from Minhyuk for longer than four days and it was terrible.” It sounded really pathetic, but it was the truth. He had been devastated back when the other man had been on a trip with his study program.

“But- what did you do before you lived with Minhyuk? Didn't you go on class trips or somewhere with your parents?” The brown-haired man seemed a little confused but a cool palm returned on top of his own, squeezing in reassurance. “I barely remember the last time I was ‘home’. There is no such thing for me.”

“No. I’ve never left Vienna. Not even once.” Swallowing, he looked at how the other man’s brown hair slipped through the spaces between his fingers. “You are like the North Pole and I’m like the South Pole. We meet and are really far apart and you have the arctic fox whereas I have the penguins, but we’re both cold.”

_You should stop talking._

Hyungwon blinked at the comparison, eyes fluttering shut for a fraction of a second until his eyebrows pulled together and his lips formed an almost perfect circle.

“Uh, that sounds a lot like the plot of a children's movie. It could be very cute and you have to think outside the box, in the end they build a tunnel through the earth to warm up and meet.” The older man laughed and turned his legs so that they hung over the edge of his seat. They were too long to lie in a bent position. “But to return to your concerns, isn't it nice to experience something new? To learn something? You develop as a person through experiences, so I always felt like I could grow on my travels. You're not alone either, there are so many people with you.”

“There’s nothing good about it. The only reason why I’m not losing my shit is because you keep rubbing against my crotch and it distracts me from the fact that I’m fucking terrified,” Hoseok murmured and leaned back against the seat, closing his eyes and trying to calm down his breathing. They had already left the highway and it didn't look anywhere close to Vienna.

“But what are you afraid of? What is the worst thing that could happen?” the low voice asked while fingers slowly intertwined with his, carefully, while hiding them between their bodies. Hyungwon's thumb brushed over his palm, applying pressure.

“I'll be alone.” Exhaling slowly, he kept his eyes closed and enjoyed the sensation of Hyungwon's slightly cooler hand against his own, really warm one.

“But there are so many people with you, Hoseok,” Hyungwon whispered as the motions continued. “Are they not enough to not feel alone? Who do you need with you? Is it Minhyuk?”

“The city,” he muttered, asking himself why it was Vienna that he missed. “It's familiar, it has my childhood, my teenage years, everything. It's me.”

Hyungwon hummed at that, thumb continuously drawing circles over the back of his hand. It was fascinating how well the other man's thin fingers fit in between his own.

“I think I know what you mean. The difference for me is that I took the memories along, my childhood, what hurt me, everything that happened. I took it all with me and drown in it instead of needing the place. I detached all these experiences and now they are always there.”

“I feel as if I'm not myself. I mean, look at me, I was really mad at you, absolutely sure that I wouldn't get close to you after what happened, and look at me now. I'm weak.” He chuckled and stroked over the director’s silky hair. “I even brought the mask to feel better, but it doesn't work.”

“Maybe because you aren't wearing it. I can come up with an excuse if you like, that we are practising something. You can read me Faust for the last hour, will that make it better?” It was surprising how expressive the brown-haired man was, watching him intently the way Hoseok was used to but there was much more emotion in the way his lips moved and how he turned towards him.

“It's fine. I'll try to sleep, I didn't sleep over the past two nights to be able to sleep on the bus.” Hoseok smiled apologetically and looked to the side, ruffling up his hair after removing his hand from Hyungwon's head.

“I would propose to switch positions, but- I might end up throwing up on you.” The older man pressed his lips together and groaned as the bus drove up a mountain and kept moving like a snake.

“No no, you can stay like this. It’s- it's nice,” he whispered and closed his eyes, feeling the weight on his lap and the exhaustion taking over him in a matter of minutes until it was dark and soundless.

_

The first day of filming went well, he managed to wear Benjamin's mask and Hyungwon seemed satisfied, but nothing managed to close the void that kept spreading inside his chest. Their pension was located at the lake and it was beautiful, really, but it was also foreign, strange, unfamiliar. He missed Minhyuk and he missed Vienna. He missed the way the furniture was located in his room, he missed the slight buzzing of the coffee machine that Minhyuk and he still hadn't managed to exchange, he even missed setting up the cameras, the lights, being close to a stranger. Damn it.

It was stupid, really, but he wanted to cry and he did, lying under his white blanket that didn't feel right and didn't smell right in the bed that was too soft on the pillow that felt too big. He hated it. He hated it so much.

The filming was usually finished around seven in the evening, sometimes earlier and he had spent the evenings in the terrible hotel bed, crying and imagining his own room, his furniture, his best friend, anything that reminded him of home. Hyungwon had been wrong. Wearing the mask didn't help, not at all. It was as if he needed his home to be able to create a safe space for himself.

He couldn't cry all the time, so he read and drank sometimes. He liked the taste of the white wine they served, so he bought two bottles and drank in slow sips, but it only made him more emotional.

Today too, he opened the bottle and poured some of the yellowish liquid into the provided glass and took a long sip, staring at the ugly picture on the wall. He felt like crying again.

_You can't be doing this every day, can you?_

Downing the rest, he took his room key and the bottle and stepped out, walking along the corridor until he stopped in front of an identical door and knocked.

He could hear a chair screech over the wooden floor, probably the same one he had in his own room. Steps followed until Hoseok heard a metallic click and the door was unlocked from the inside. He instantly met the director’s familiar face, eyes widened in surprise and lips parted to comment, but nothing came out yet. He was dressed very differently than on set, a pair of ripped, washed out blue jeans and a simple, white t-shirt.

“Hoseok, you-” Hyungwon began but seemingly wasn't too sure how to continue. Instead, he opened the door a little wider in invitation.

“Wine?” he asked, holding the bottle in front of the other man's face, grinning brightly like an idiot.

“Sure, it's produced here and really good. We can drink some, if you like.” Hyungwon reminded him a little of that time when the older man had gotten lost, unsure what to say, wide eyes and hesitant motions. He stepped to the side to let Hoseok in and chewed on his cheek. The room looked almost exactly like his with the exception of a very orderly suitcase and a pile of papers on the desk.

“It tastes like water. Tasty water.” He walked inside and put the bottle on the table, searching for glasses and finding only one. After a few seconds of thinking, he poured some wine into the glass and drank out of the bottle. “Here, the glass is for you.”

Hyungwon closed the door in the meantime and accepted it with a brief nod, watching him intently. There must have been something about him that the older man considered worth staring at.

“Are you okay, Hoseok?” the director asked eventually and took a careful sip, glass positioned perfectly between his middle and ring finger. Hyungwon didn't bother to sit down, standing close to the desk and leaning against the corner.

“Why? Do I make you uncomfortable? I can leave, it's just- you are the only person I could think of. But I can also go.” He smiled as if it was his stage and he was the happiest character on earth before walking towards the door, fingers curled tightly around the wine bottle.

“No- fuck- don't misunderstand,” Hyungwon muttered quickly and wrapped his long fingers around his wrist, holding him back. “I just didn't expect you, but I'm glad that you came. I had hoped to show you a few pretty places but you always disappeared after filming, so I thought you had better things to do. You- did you drink a lot?”

“A lot? You mean right now? No, a glass plus the sip just now. I didn't have anything awesome to do, I just hid under my blanket. I planned to do the same today but my brain malfunctioned and I came here.” He forgot to get back in character and kept smiling happily.

“Why did you hide under your blanket?” Something changed in Hyungwon's gaze and he carefully placed his glass on the desk at the side before stepping closer towards Hoseok. They were still standing in the middle of the room.

_Yeah. Why?_

“Because- I guess because under the blanket it looks most similar to home? You know, when you lie in bed and put the blanket over your head it seems as if the outside is not relevant. Only, the problem is that the blanket didn't feel right and the bed doesn't either and the scent is wrong. Anyways-” he took another sip out of the bottle, “you did an amazing job with the scenes. Your mind is stunning, really. Did I disturb you? You were probably busy, looking at all the notes.”

The director’s hand was quick to grab the bottle and place it on the desk before Hoseok felt warm arms surround him, press him against a flat chest as his face sank into the crook of the older man's neck, smelling like familiar detergent. The embrace tightened as Hyungwon exhaled against his ear, holding him with as much strength as the older man was capable of.

“Is this… better?” the low voice asked carefully.

He couldn't breathe, but not because of the embrace. It was because he didn't expect it, didn't prepare for the feeling of the other man's slim arms wrapping around him. Licking over his lips, Hoseok curled both arms around Hyungwon's waist and didn't say anything for a while.

_What is there to say?_

“I don't know,” he whispered because they were so incredibly close.

Hyungwon hummed in reply and let his fingers travel over Hoseok’s back and into his hair. The touches were careful, the opposite to the strength with which the brown-haired man held him close. Fingers entangled with his hair and let go again, caressing his neck instead before they returned to his back and resumed the whole game of exploration.

“I think I forgot how to breathe,” Hoseok murmured and pressed his lips against the other man's delicious neck. He was crazy, he had no idea what he was doing. The mask still lay in the drawer in his hotel room. There was no reason for being like this. None at all. “I'm sorry, I always talk about showing weakness, but only showing weakness kind of sucks too. I'll show you something nice when I find what to show.”

“You don't have to look for it, you show me nice things about you all the time, Hoseok,” the older man replied and resumed raking through his hair. A quiet hiss left Hyungwon's lips in reply to the brief touch of lips to his neck. Hoseok knew that the brown-haired man was sensitive, reacting easily when he let himself.

“This doesn't sound convincing, sir.” He grinned and moved his hands over Hyungwon's lower back, right over the beautiful curve of his behind. “Are you trying to distract me from the bottle?”

“No, I was hoping that I'm… more familiar than the hotel bed,” was the quiet reply, not responding to his innuendo. Hyungwon kept one arm wrapped around his shoulders while the fingers of his right hand danced over his shoulder blades and neck, applying pressure and pulling him close enough to be able to taste the golden skin if he wanted to. It felt dangerous. He knew what he would've done if he wore his mask, but like this he felt naked, vulnerable and hesitant. His thoughts mirrored in his actions as he let his lips travel along the other man's warm neck, exhaling carefully and pulling Hyungwon's slim body closer to his chest.

“You're not familiar. Not at all,” he whispered and looked up.

There was a little bit of colour in Hyungwon's face, mixing prettily with his golden skin. The older man was looking back, bottom lip pulled into his mouth and only leaving his top lip, curved interestingly with a thicker part in the middle. When the brown-haired man let his bottom lip return, Hoseok realized there was a small mole in the centre of it.

Hyungwon didn't let go of him, even after his comment and merely inhaled slowly like he needed the time it took to find a way to reply.

“I...I hoped that the scent would be. When I was with you the bed smelled just like mine with the exception of your own scent,” he replied eventually as his index and middle finger drew the curve of Hoseok’s ear.

_Does it?_

He watched the micromovements on the other man’s face before leaning in and sucking in a long breath, trying to remember whether Hyungwon smelled familiar. He might have.

“I like your scent. I don’t know if it smells like my bed, but I like it.”

“I'm glad,” the older man murmured and wrapped his right arm around his shoulders again, pulling him closer than they had been. Hoseok could feel soft exhales tickling his skin and plump lips that brushed over the shell of his ear. “I hoped that it could help.”

_He wants to help you by being close._

“But you don’t have to- be close to me. Just give me my bottle back and let me look at you,” he murmured, subconsciously leaning into the other man’s touch.

“Can't you see it's my excuse? Can't I have it for the briefest of moments?” Hyungwon murmured, barely perceivable with how deep and breathy his voice was. It seemed like the words were difficult for him, more than he allowed himself to say. Hoseok enjoyed the moment, letting his lips trace the line of the other man’s golden neck.

_Rushing into explanations is always a sign of weakness._

“I like it,” he whispered. “Your weakness.” Leaning back he met Hyungwon’s beautiful brown eyes. “It’s prettier than mine.”

“I don't think you can compare weaknesses.” The other man looked a little uncomfortable, observing his collar bone instead of his face. His confession of wanting to be close must have returned his insecurities. “After all they are always worse for the one who has them than for the observer.”

“Look closely at how fucking weak I am,” he murmured and took Hyungwon’s round chin between his thumb and index finger, biting down on his bottom lip and closing the distance, until their lips touched. It felt like bungee jumping from a cliff, only that he didn’t have anyone to hold his rope for him.

Hyungwon's arms carefully wrapped around his neck as the taller man bent his knees to equal out their height difference. His plump mouth brushed over Hoseok's and a hot tongue dipped in between his lips to be let in, to deepen the kiss. The brown-haired man's behaviour changed so quickly, in a matter of seconds during which he let go of the distance he valued so much and melted into his embrace. Through a single kiss. It was dangerous, unknown for him, but he wanted it so much. He tightened his embrace and stumbled back, almost losing balance and sitting down on the edge of the bed, just in time. The connection broke and he stared up at the stunning man who stood in front of him, breathing heavily and trying to think about what was the right thing to do.

Hyungwon's lips were a little plumper and seemed to tremble with hesitation, big hands curling up at the other man's sides. It was unfamiliar to see the director in casual clothes and affected, but without a mask. He visibly struggled, but it was almost impossible to distinguish the cause. Seconds passed until Hyungwon suddenly bit down on his bottom lip and moved forward, climbing on top of his lap and clashing their lips together. Something exploded inside him, flooding his veins and making it so hard to breathe. His hands curled around the slim waist, pulling the other man tight against his body and licking into his hot mouth hungrily. It was a mixture between deep hesitation and the reflexive desire to be closer, even closer, taste everything there was.

Hyungwon's thighs slipped a little forward, enough to make their groins touch and the brown-haired man kept pulling at the strands of his hair with his right hand. Their noses brushed against each other and there was so much skin contact, lips briefly placing a kiss on his cheek before returning to his lips and nibbling on them.

_You need your mask, you can’t just go with it._

His hands seemed to act independent of his body, shaking hesitantly as they stroked over the other man’s back while his mouth ran forward, tasting Hyungwon as much as it could, licks of his tongue mixing with sharp exhales. His mind was on fire, just like his body was, it felt dangerous, like burning, like dissolving in the hot exhales and kisses of the man on his lap. He tried to get a grip, to think, to determine what he was supposed to do, until his lips moved automatically.

“I- I need the mask.”


	11. 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “And how does the easy way feel?”  
> “Like shit,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 25th of April at 2 PM CET.  
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Hallstatt was beautiful, gorgeous, everything that Hyungwon remembered it to be. Returning to the small village that stretched along a mountain and lay right next to a picturesque lake, felt like it was able to cleanse everything that was on his mind, leaving a pure and addicting sensation of peace.

Those had been his feelings during the first few days as he took walks along the lake, sat on the pebbles at the shore in casual jeans and hoped not to meet anybody. It was always easy so far out in the countryside, there was enough space for everybody without having to meet. Hyungwon had enough time to delve back into his thoughts, memories, the reasons he chose Hallstatt for filming. It was perfect, almost.

Back when he had chosen the location and the small pension, he hadn't thought about how his thoughts and emotions would change, how a single person might have found a way to step through his fog of memories and thoughts. It was easy to ignore somebody in a professional setting, when there were plenty of things to do, scenes to check and when he returned home there were so many other things to think about or he was simply too tired for it all.

In the countryside, in the middle of nowhere, it was different. He had his responsibilities, but as soon as they were over there was so much time to kill, time that he would have usually spent by thinking and walking, but he wasn't.

_Because he is so close._

The thought terrorized him like a nightmare, like the way regret was able to make somebody feel. Hoseok had told him that he wasn't going to wear the mask next to him anymore and there were also too many other people around to act, to meet the red-haired man. Everything he did could have been misinterpreted and Hyungwon didn't want to fuel his feelings by getting even closer than they already were. It was torture, sitting in his room, at the desk and staring at nothing in particular because he knew that Hoseok was only a few doors away, a single decision away.

_The mask was your excuse to see him. Now that you can't, you suffer._

Hyungwon felt sexually attracted to Hoseok’s confidence and dominant behaviour, but he was infatuated with Hoseok’s insecurities, innocence and smiles, the openness that he showed despite wanting to hide behind a mask. There was no way to justify seeing Hoseok without fuelling his feelings and his affection for the younger man.

He had been fighting it for days, forcing himself to stop remembering the way it had felt to lie on Hoseok’s lap on the bus and enjoy the proximity that he couldn't even dream of the past few days of filming. Hoseok disappeared immediately, as soon as he yelled ‘cut’ and ended the day. He had been going absolutely mad, until the beautiful red-haired man suddenly appeared at his door with a bottle of wine.

Hyungwon knew immediately that he wasn't fine, that he wasn't the cheerful self that he attempted to present himself as. The smile didn't reach his eyes which were a little puffy like he had been crying and his hands were trembling. It was a lost cause. He had the strength to keep distance when they were being professional, when both of them understood their situation, but not when Hoseok felt terrible, lost. He couldn't bear to stand there, drink wine and pretend that there was nothing.

So he had embraced him, as tightly as he was able to while finally experiencing the relief he had been yearning for. It was shameless, to hope that his embrace helped the younger man even though it was plain that the need to be close was his own, his need to let his fingers run through his hair and touch his hot skin.

Hyungwon had still been sane, aware of his choices but as soon as soft, curved lips touched his, something cracked inside his head, the wall that he had between his thoughts and his actions ripped apart. Hoseok pulled him into reality, out of his mind and memories and into a space where he could get hurt, easily dropped and broken like a porcelain vase.

When Hoseok stepped back and their lips separated, Hyungwon hesitated, eyes jumping from Hoseok’s gorgeous face, over his lips to his hands, to his lap, to his face again. There were so many implications in what they were doing. There was no safe space, it wasn’t agreed on. There were no rules, only the two of them and their need to be close. It was terrifying but Hyungwon couldn't stop, not now, not when he just got a taste of what he had been desiring for weeks. His heart was hammering in his chest and his blood felt like poison in his veins, burning as he crawled on top of Hoseok’s lap and covered his face with kisses. It was the first time that he tasted the skin of the red-haired man's cheek, brushed over his nose and saw the full form of his eyes when they were this close. It was intense and Hyungwon couldn't resist, clashing their lips together and pushing his groin forward, meeting Hoseok’s that responded exactly the same way. It wasn't just his imagination, it was rough and terrifying reality.

“I- I need the mask,” Hoseok suddenly whispered as he interrupted the kiss and pulled back. The younger man's hands were still wrapped around his waist, stroking over the skin of his back.

_But he said the mask is something you cannot have, it isn't yours to have anymore._

“But-” he began and couldn't resist to place another kiss to Hoseok’s soft cheek. “You said the mask is not something that is mine to have anymore. I-” He didn't know what to say. Every word seemed like it could take away what was in his hands at that moment, like sand that slipped through the spaces in between his fingers. He tightened his embrace and held his breath, terrified of what was to come.

_You have to stay strong, Hyungwon. Don't succumb, you didn't want this, you decided that you don't._

“I- I want to be close to you- but I need the mask. I- I’m not able to otherwise,” Hoseok whispered and stared up at him before looking to the side where the door was located. “Just- let me get the mask and I will give you everything you want.”

_It's safe, isn't it? Then you can be close and have an excuse. You won't burn like this, Hyungwon._

“I don't know if we can, Hoseok. It's- not as private here,” he murmured and tried to be rational, to figure out what they could do and what they couldn't do. He didn't want to think, he wanted to kiss Hoseok and didn't care about what else happened, but he had to care, he had to be rational and stay aware of who else was in the hotel, the roles they were playing.

_You told yourself not to act on it. What are you doing?_

Suddenly Hoseok stood up, letting his feet touch the carpet and let go of his body. The black orbs were full of emotion, fighting for dominance to be shown on the other man’s gorgeous face, before it all disappeared just like Hoseok. The other man turned around and walked to his suitcase, rummaging through it for a few seconds before coming back with a black tie in his hand.

“Close your eyes.”

_He doesn't want you to see._

Hyungwon's eyes widened and his heartbeat picked up. His thoughts had been right, there were no rules, he didn't know what would happen, what _could_ happen. They were still in a pension, surrounded by crew members and thin walls. He swallowed and sucked his bottom lip into his mouth, letting his tongue run over it to calm down and make a decision. There had been so much emotion on the red-haired man's face, he must be just as insecure as Hyungwon was if not more.

_He is giving you something, he is sharing vulnerability, so accept it._

Hyungwon inhaled sharply, holding the air in his lungs and nodded, eyes slowly closing and covering him in darkness. Suddenly, every sound was much louder, the shuffling of the black tie, Hoseok’s steps, their rough breaths. He could feel Hoseok's warm hands putting the silky fabric over his eyes and tying it behind his head.

“I have no idea what I'm doing,” Hoseok whispered, voice shaky and hesitant as his arms curled around him and pulled him into a warm embrace. “I've never done anything like this before. Not without wearing anything on my face.”

Hyungwon swallowed and nodded again, chin rubbing over Hoseok’s shoulder in the process. He had never let anybody blindfold him. Of course he had touched and kissed in the dark before, but in that case the other man had seen just as little as he had.

“What- what happened the first time you were close to somebody?” he asked and wrapped his arms tightly around the younger man's neck, it felt safer to be close, to feel the broad and muscular body under his fingertips.

“I was told that I look scared, so I looked to the side and saw the mask that lay on my bedside table, I forgot to put it away after the performance back then. It was like fate. I haven’t been close to anyone without the mask. As soon as it gets intimate, as soon as there’s skin involved, loss of control, the mask is what makes it bearable. As I said- I have no idea what the fuck I am doing.” He felt hot lips travel against his neck, but it was different, Hoseok was different and it was noticeable in the way the other man touched him, held him gently and hesitated.

“I'm scared too, I just pretend that I'm not,” Hyungwon replied and inhaled Hoseok’s scent. It was sweet and reminded him of the kiss at the museum. It had been the same back then. He wasn't scared of being sexually close or of making a mistake, he was scared of the implications, of how it would change their relationship, how his feelings might change. All of it was a burden and he didn't know how to bear yet.

_You know all that, but still you want it._

The other man pulled him on top of the bed until both of them lay on the sheets.

“Is it okay for me to touch you?” Hoseok asked quietly, warm fingers slowly slipping under his t-shirt and drawing circles on his naked skin. It would have been a lie had Hyungwon said no. It felt nice, intimate and intense because he couldn't see. He didn't know where exactly on the bed he was, where Hoseok was apart from the fact that the muscular man was in his arms.

“Please do,” he whispered and licked over his lips, fingers tracing the crook of the red-haired man's neck, his jugular vein and the form of his jaw. Travelling further up, he brushed over his cheek, touching spots that were usually occluded by the mask. Hoseok’s lips slipped from under his fingertips and attached to his neck, then his stomach, kissing and tasting his skin while the other man undressed him carefully. His shirt left his body and was replaced by hot hands and lips, travelling all over his naked skin and undressing him further. There was nothing for a few moments until the hot sensation returned.

He gasped, but tried to remain quiet, heart skipping a beat whenever those burning hot lips returned and licked over his nipples. A tongue dipped into his navel and tasted him everywhere it could reach, arousing him beyond belief. It wasn't as directed and purposeful as it had been the last couple of times, but Hyungwon loved it. There was so much uncertainty to it, the inability to predict what would happen next, his body burned at the unknown sensations that were still to come.

“You take my breath away,” the low voice whispered before licking into his mouth, arms curling around his body and sensation of hot skin overwhelming his senses. Hoseok was naked.

Hyungwon's breath hitched at the realization, as if it wanted to prove that he was the one who couldn't really breathe. His hands instantly began to explore the other man's muscular body, the warm skin and each dip he could find. It felt amazing, like there was much less space between them, space that he couldn't see and therefore it wasn't there. His nails scratched over Hoseok’s shoulder to test it out, to experiment what it felt like, how the skin gave in to his fingers. Moving his leg upwards, he identified the space between the younger man's thick thighs and slipped in between, enjoying the heat that surrounded him.

“You are so warm, like you are burning from the inside,” he whispered into Hoseok’s mouth and licked over his tongue. Maybe this also wasn't real, it happened behind his eyelids, in the dark of his own head. If it was in his mind, something that he had extended beyond his own body it was okay to let go, wasn't it?

“I am. You’re setting me on fire and I have no idea how to put it out,” Hoseok whispered back and held him tighter. He could feel how turned on the other man was but his behavior was so different compared to what Hyungwon knew. It was careful, exploring, gentle and somewhat hesitant. A hiss escaped the other man’s lips at his thigh between his legs and he whispered into his ear. “You are stunning, Hyungwon.”

“You make me feel like it's not real, that it's okay to let go,” he breathed out, worried about being so truthful about his thoughts. The darkness made him forget where they were and what he was doing, what was allowed and what wasn't. He removed one of his hands from Hoseok’s neck and reached out towards his thigh, stroking over it. The skin was perfectly smooth and warm, getting hotter the closer his fingers travelled to Hoseok’s groin.

“I- I won’t sleep with you or anything, I just really want to touch you,” the other man’s low voice breathed into his ear before he felt lips against his skin travelling further down and sending shivers from his intense response.

“Then touch me, I really like it,” he replied and tried to make sure his hands were always in contact with Hoseok’s skin, brushing over it with his fingertips. “But I want to touch you too, may I?”

“I-” There was hesitation in the other man’s voice. “Yes. Please,” Hoseok replied finally before kissing along his thigh, patiently travelling upwards.

_He's scared of something happening that is out of his control, even though you cannot see him._

Hyungwon hummed and reached out, worried for a brief moment when he lost contact with Hoseok’s skin until he finally found the soft strands of the other man's hair. He pulled a little, hissing at the way the kisses felt. His body quivered and he could feel his thighs shake with urgency. His reactions must have been so obvious. He couldn't tell, but Hoseok must've watched him before the hot lips took him, enveloping him in the wet warmth, sending explosions of pleasure with every lick against his most sensitive spots. Hoseok knew them all.

“Fuck,” he cursed before clasping a palm over his mouth, silencing the noises and moans he produced as well as he could and pulling with more vigour on Hoseok’s hair. He wanted to make the red-haired man moan too, to have him enjoy what was happening between them as much as Hyungwon did. His thighs trembled again and he spread them almost automatically, granting Hoseok more access.

 The other man hummed around him, audibly enjoying his reactions and the way he filled out his warm mouth. Hoseok started moving faster, taking more of him and letting him hit the back of his throat. His thighs tensed in an effort to remain focused and especially quiet, barely breathing to prevent loud moans from leaving his lips.

“Hoseok,” he gasped and licked over his lips, thighs shaking uncontrollably and erection twitching inside the other man's mouth. “You too, I want to taste you too. Turn around and-” He bit his tongue as another moan threatened to escape and he whimpered. He wanted to please the red-haired man, taste him on his tongue while being pleased himself.

“No- it's fine, I love the way you shiver and how your hips move, how you spread your legs and the way you feel in my mouth, trying to feel more. Come for me, Hyungwon.” Hoseok whispered the last words and took him back into his mouth, deepthroating him repeatedly until he couldn't hold out anymore and released himself between the other man's lips that tightened around him as Hoseok sucked up. “Damn, you're beautiful,” he said and he felt hot, muscular arms wrap around him, silence spreading in the darkness.

His lungs were burning from holding his breath and he inhaled as much air as he could, eyes fluttering open even though they were covered by a black tie. Hyungwon still felt a little dizzy after orgasming and attached himself to Hoseok’s hot body, hoping that it would give him hold.

“I don't need to see you to know that so are you,” he whispered and stroked upwards over the younger man's body until he reached his face, thumb brushing over his cheeks and curved lips.

“I think I’m going crazy. I’m sorry that I covered your eyes, I- I just can’t otherwise. Next time I will get the mask.” Hoseok’s voice was breathy and hesitant while he held him as close as possible, making no attempts to remove the fabric from his eyes.

“It's okay, Hoseok, you don't need to apologize. I agreed after all.” Hyungwon talked calmly while still trying to catch his breath, one hand sneaking between their bodies to wrap around Hoseok’s thick erection. He liked the way it felt in his hand, like it belonged there. Applying a little bit of pressure, he rubbed over the tip. He wasn't too sure where Hoseok’s face was apart from his left hand that was still on Hoseok’s jaw, so he leaned in and found the red-haired man's lips by placing kisses along his jaw.

“I- you- you don’t have to, I just thought I would go crazy if I didn’t touch you, I loved your face when you came.” The other man jerked at his touch, lips parting in a gasp. Hyungwon covered them with his own, licking inside the hot mouth and made sure to use his skills by narrowing his grip and rubbing his thumb over the head of Hoseok’s erection. His thumb dug into the slit a little for additional simulation. He wished he could have used his throat, but he doubted that he could slip down along the other man's body fast enough.

_Why do you always give up so easily?_

Moaning into the kiss once, tasting himself, he moved back and slipped down as quickly as he could, one hand holding onto Hoseok’s erection while the other stroked along his chest and rolled a nipple in between his fingers. He resisted for a few seconds, finding his goal before he covered the red-haired man's erection with his lips, sucking intently and twirling over the slit with his tongue. He loved it.

Hoseok moaned in his gorgeous low voice and trembled, reacting to his touch.

“Close your eyes,” he hissed and reached behind his head. Hyungwon nodded immediately because he didn't have his eyes open in the first place. He kept his hand wrapped around the base of Hoseok’s dick and kept sucking on the tip, playing around with his tongue. He wanted to have it down his throat and listen to the other man moan, enjoying the way it felt. Suddenly the fabric was taken away from him and he heard Hoseok shuffling before there were the other man’s fingers curling around his hair.

“Oh god, I’m going nuts. But- but you can open your eyes.”

Hyungwon let his eyes flutter open and was met with Hoseok’s beautiful, toned stomach, a little too bright, so he closed them again. He didn't pause his ministrations and used one hand to massage Hoseok’s balls when he opened his eyes again, this time glancing further up, along the muscular chest and finally to the gorgeous face. The gorgeous face that was partially covered by a tie.

_He tied his own eyes, but why?_

Hyungwon let his tongue run over the wet tip as he observed Hoseok’s face, the way his lips parted in a moan and how his chest contracted each time he found a good spot. He was pretty good at giving head, so he decided to show it, slowly moving down while holding his breath. He enjoyed the sensation, a preference he rarely talked about. Keeping the air inside his lungs, he tested out how far he could go, stopping about halfway and sucking on the tip before he moved all the way down, lips touching the soft skin of the younger man's groin. Hyungwon hummed for effect. The sound was gorgeous, he was blessed with something between a moan and a groan that escaped the other man’s blood-red lips as he threw his head from side to side, fingers tightening in Hyungwon’s hair.

“Oh god, what are you doing to me, fuck.”

Hyungwon wanted him to pull more, so he teased a little, moving back up and rubbing the head of the younger man's dick over the top of his mouth. It felt nice, but not as nice as his throat did, so he whimpered and hummed, moving towards Hoseok’s grip before sucking on the tip again. Shit, he liked this too much, senses blurring a little.

“I want you, I want you so much, I want you so fucking much, Hyungwon, fuck.” The red-haired man moaned and pulled on his hair roughly while thrusting into his mouth. Hyungwon almost screamed around his length and relaxed his throat, allowing Hoseok to slide as far as he wanted to. His own body was burning at the motions and he dug his fingers into the younger man's hips, pulling him deeper into his mouth. The sounds Hoseok was producing were beyond arousing and he moaned each time the strong grip tugged at his hair. He wanted the red-haired man to lose his fucking mind.

“This feels insane, you make me lose it, I have no idea what I’m doing, oh god.” Hoseok used the grip on his hair to fuck his mouth, hips moving automatically and curved mouth parting in the most gorgeous sounds he had ever heard. It was as if Hoseok let go because he couldn’t see.

Hyungwon moaned at the sight and kept breathing through his nose while ignoring the tears that developed at the corners of his eyes. It was perfect and had he not been feeling too good to think, he might have felt embarrassed about the precum he smeared on Hoseok and the sheets. He loved the roughness, so he encouraged it by moving forward himself when Hoseok sounded particularly beautiful, swallowing around the thick erection. He removed his left hand from Hoseok’s hip and used it to play with Hoseok’s balls again. The other man was twitching uncontrollably and it was so beautiful.

There was no warning as Hoseok pushed him against his groin and released himself down his throat, moaning his name repeatedly until his body shook a few times and there were only harsh breaths and silence.

“Oh god. Oh my fucking god.”

Hyungwon hummed again and enjoyed the way the younger man still filled out his mouth, sucking a little to get the last bit. His lips were still brushing over Hoseok’s groin when he finally inhaled through his nose and sucked his way up, placing a kiss on the red-haired man's tip as a finish. He was hard, but if Hoseok didn't take off his tie immediately there was a chance that he would never find out. Hyungwon rubbed over the head of his own dick briefly to remove the precum and wiped it off on his thigh. Hoseok didn’t know what he was doing, but he was too strong for his own good, taking him and simply pulling him on top of himself.

“Oh.”

_Lovely._

“Just happened,” Hyungwon muttered quickly while his brain tried to come up with a more reasonable explanation as to why he was hard after coming not too long ago. Simply getting hard wasn't something that happened to a man over twenty. Fucking hell. “I-” His brain wasn't quick enough, not with the proximity and the warmth of Hoseok’s body.

“Is there- something you would like me to do? I- I can’t see anything and I don’t think that I can lose my shit more than this, just tell me. I’d love to please you.” Hoseok kept licking over his lips, probably unaware that Hyungwon had been staring at him. “Do you want me to touch you?”

He thought about it, watched the way Hoseok lay there, beautiful, spent and breathless. Hyungwon wanted to make him look like that all the time. He wanted to have the red-haired man look wrecked instead of getting hard like a teenager because of getting his throat fucked.

“No- it's fine, it'll disappear again.” He still had the opportunity to pretend it was a random erection and that he hadn't just covered everything in precum. The tie was really handy, so he placed a kiss on Hoseok’s lips and lay down, ignoring it expertly. He was really good at it.

“Oh- okay- as… as you like.” It was silent after Hoseok murmured his last words and let his hand travel along his back, shivering at the feeling or the thoughts that the motion evoked. Hyungwon enjoyed the proximity and added another, more intimate kiss to the previous one, licking over Hoseok’s lips before lying down on the hot chest. He could have fallen asleep in a matter of seconds, had he not been hard that is. “I really enjoy lying on top of you.”

_What are you even talking about? Where's the distance?_

The tie. The tie was the distance.

 

***

 

It didn't help. Nothing helped. Everything he did seemed in vain, not aiding and not easing his sadness.

The brief moment of being close to Hyungwon was freeing, as if he had been allowed to inhale after not being able to breathe, but still it was in vain. As soon as it was over he got dressed and hid in his room, lying under the blanket and hating himself for not getting the mask, for pulling the director into his misery and for not being able to make it any better. In the end it felt the same.

_Maybe it's wishful thinking. You're just clutching onto him because he's the one who knows the most about you even though it's still nothing._

He wished he hadn't done it. He should've stayed in his room and cried until falling asleep. The mask had been his safe place, one he felt comfortable in, one that enabled him to stay himself and to be someone else at the same time. It was the salvation and the premise for being close. To anybody.

_You broke it. You were close to him without getting it from your room._

The only reason for staying relatively  composed had been the fact that he had used a tie, covering Hyungwon's eyes before covering his own and thereby creating a space where they didn't exist together.

_You couldn't look into his eyes and he couldn't look into yours. The fact that something happened between you two could've been an imagination, a play, a memory._

Still the feeling in his body remained. Sometimes he woke up at night, feeling Hyungwon's long fingers against his skin, stroking him gently.

The days went by and it was almost bearable during filming, when he had to concentrate to play Benjamin and to leave his personal concerns behind. The director had praised him for acting out a scene where Benjamin has another flashback and thinks about what it means. He didn't have the energy to act, so he was simply himself, got lost in his misery, in the huge dark grey rain cloud that threatened to swallow him because it felt like the ground was ripped from under his feet. It was funny that he got praise, but it was also sad. Comedy was tragic if one looked closely.

He had the feeling that Hyungwon had wanted to involve him in their regular collective get-togethers, proposing to eat out and whatnot, but it was tiring. It was tiring to pay attention to his feelings and to not cry in front of people, so he always declined, locking himself inside his room. Sometimes he took out the mask and put it on, staring at his reflection in the mirror for hours, attempting to feel better, but he was connected to the mask as much as the mask was connected to him. There was nothing he could have done and no matter how much his colleagues worried about him and tried their best, it still was what it was.

_You're alone._

_

 

“I knew that you would feel bad, god, I waited for you to call me, I had everything packed, ready to leave. I can only stay for two days though. I'll try to make it better, okay? First of all, you need a whale plushie.” Minhyuk opened his suitcase that was way too big for a two day stay and pulled out a whale. Why wasn't he surprised?

_Because it's him. He's real._

Smiling, Hoseok watched his best friend unpack his things, throwing half of them on top of his bed before winking at him and curling his thin arms around him. Minhyuk smelled like home and it put a smile on his face.

_He's home._

“And now we will go out. I bet that you just stayed here and hated everything, but not with me, my friend. This village is really pretty and it's your ultimate chance to get to know something else besides Vienna. Forcefully, but still.” Minhyuk grabbed his hand and pulled him out. He asked himself how his best friend could be this strong while hating everything sports related in addition to lying on the couch most of the time.

_His mind is strong._

They walked along pretty narrow streets and he got strange gazes from the village people for his hair, or his face, or Minhyuk's arm around his own, or all of the above but he didn't care. He wanted to go back to Vienna.

“Aren't you close to the director? I thought you might compensate a little by hanging out together. Or is he busy?” Minhyuk curled his fingers around his arm and leaned in, examining his face intently.

“I- don't want to hang out. I want to go back. I can't compensate. I'm already thinking about you leaving and want to cry. Why did I agree on filming? I should've known that it was a bad idea.” The street they took led to the lake and he could see how the sun painted it in a beautiful green.

“I don't know why you agreed. It was weird,” Minhyuk murmured before stretching out his index finger and pointing at something. Looking closer, he could see the familiar tall figure walking slowly along the lake promenade. “Look who we have here. Hey, Hyungwon,” his best friend screamed, not giving a shit about distance, human etiquette, or basically anything else.

_Oh no._

“Why would you call him, leave him alone,” Hoseok hissed, but it was too late. The director had already lifted his gaze from the lake and turned towards them, eyes widened uncharacteristically. Only when he stepped closer and frowned a little did it become apparent that Minhyuk had called him by first name even though nobody usually did.

“Lee Minhyuk?” the brown-haired man asked and crossed the last few steps. “I'm surprised to see you here. Have you come to visit Hoseok?” The question was perfectly polite, face barely moving like Minhyuk's presence immediately meant that Hyungwon couldn't show anything. He was just like on set, professional and distant.

“Yes, I'm here to save you, because Hoseok would've lost his shit otherwise. I'm staying for two days and will go back. Actually, I didn't want to disturb, but he was crying really badly and didn't sound well, he even stopped calling which is basically the loudest siren there is, so I had to come.” Hoseok wanted to disappear. Sincerely. Ignorant of his struggles, Minhyuk continued cheerfully. “And you can say Minhyuk, I mean you filmed Hoseok's video and engraved all those pretty words into the lamp and we drank coffee, so I'm sure we can call each other by first name.”

_You still don't know what's engraved on there._

“I- struggle to have people that I don't really know call me by my first name, but I will call you Minhyuk if you like that,” the director replied and chewed on his cheek, showing the first sign of discomfort. His big eyes focused on him the more time passed, hands buried in the pockets of his suit pants. Even though he was outside and not filming, the brown-haired man wasn't wearing casual clothes. “I also didn't know that it was that terrible for you, Hoseok. I apologize for not doing anything or sending you back for a few days if that would have made it better.” There was something genuine and much more vulnerable in Hyungwon's eyes as he sucked his lips into his mouth, watching him intently. “I should have realized, I'm sorry.”

_You did tell him how terrible it was, but maybe it's his usual reply. He feels responsible for you. But in the end you'll never know what he thinks or feels._

“No no, it's- you didn't have to, it's not your responsibility or anything,” he murmured and wanted to wave with his hands, but one of them was occupied in Minhyuk's grip.

“You're uncomfortable? Aren't you from the US? Literally anybody is called by their first name. I think it's weird. It's not as if you're my grandpa's age or that you haven’t seen my best friend naked or anything. I hope you'll understand.” The black-haired man pressed his lips together into a thin line and turned towards him. “Didn't you say that you were close to the actress? Why didn't you two go out for a drink?” God, he really didn't want to discuss his crazy behaviour in front of the director.

_Also, Minhyuk must be pissed._

“You must have a wrong impression of the US, Minhyuk.” Hyungwon put particular emphasis on his best friend's name, prior expressions disappearing like they had never been there or were only something particular people were allowed to see. “It's possible that a lot of people are addressed by their first name, but it's meaningless. They might invite you over but they'll get offended if you actually come. There is a lot of fakeness involved and I prefer not to be fake. I might have seen Hoseok undressed, but how does that make me closer to you? I don't know you, even if I appreciate you for being Hoseok’s friend and for coming all the way here. I'm genuinely thankful and would invite the two of you for dinner this evening if you like.” The director rarely spoke that much at once and he must have realized it himself, licking over his plump lips and sighing briefly.

_He's harsh though. It wasn't necessary._

“Nah, I think I'd rather spend the evening with him in private. I don't have much time and I think that there's a lot we have to talk about. But thank you so much for your invitation.” Minhyuk smiled and pulled him closer, burying his nails in his bicep.

“I didn't want to disturb you, you looked like you were deep in thought. Please continue and see you tomorrow, I guess.” Looking to the lake, Hoseok couldn't help but miss the palace, the old facades of the residential buildings in Vienna and the modern glass constructions that were so beautifully familiar.

“You're never a disturbance, Hoseok,” the brown-haired man muttered before nodding at both of them and walking past, continuing over the pathway along the lake. The older man needed only a few moments to disappear and stop paying attention to what was around him, eyes focused on nothing in particular and hands deep inside his pockets.

“What's up with you two?” his best friend asked, leaning into his personal space.

“Nothing. Why would something be up? He's as usual, reserved and lost in his thoughts,” he muttered, looking in the direction where the brown-haired man disappeared not long ago.

“Why? Because he invited us for dinner. He didn't want to see me, Hoseok, he doesn't care. He wanted to see you.”

 

_

His eyes opened but it was dark, only warm fingers resting on top of his arm and reminding him of his dream.

_You dreamt about him. You dreamt being close to him again. There was no mask, that's why you're terrified._

His heart didn't stop pounding no matter how long he lay in bed with his eyes open and told himself that the dream happened because of Minhyuk who was sleeping next to him. It seemed as if he needed to see the brown-haired man who didn't let him sleep, to make sure there was nothing crazy and magical happening without him being aware of it, without being able to name it, put it into a category and finally forget.

_It's what you two talked about. He is living inside his thoughts and you are looking around, unable to glimpse inside and realize what is happening with you._

Maybe the foreign village and his own dark-grey cloud was the sign that something had been knocking on the realms of his consciousness. It was no use, there was no sleep for him.

Watching Minhyuk curl up in his blanket, he put on his ripped jeans and a black t-shirt before taking his room keys and stepping out. It was only a few steps before he stood in front of the familiar door.

_You must've dreamt about coming to him so often that you are able to recall it to this degree._

It was deep in the night, but there was nothing else he could've done. He needed to pour everything out. Knocking carefully, he listened to the sounds coming from the inside the room.

There was the rustling of paper and the rather loud thud of a bunch of it falling to the ground. The director was still awake, even though it was in the middle of the night. Similar to the last time a chair screeched over the floor until the other man finally walked towards the door. The brown-haired man must have been worried about somebody trying to break into his room as there was the prominent click of a lock before the door finally opened and he was met with big, brown eyes, long fingers that held onto the wood and a barely covered Hyungwon. The other man only wore a formal shirt that was mostly unbuttoned and black trunks that were barely visible under the white fabric. He swallowed, unprepared to see naked skin.

“Come in,” he whispered without waiting for Hoseok to speak. He looked tired.

As soon as Hoseok stepped into the room he was met with masses of crumpled-up paper, littering the desk, garbage can and floor. It seemed like the brown-haired man had grabbed one sheet after the next and thrown it carelessly behind himself, dissatisfied with whatever it was that he had written or drawn on it.

“Why aren't you asleep?” he asked and stayed next to the door after closing it behind him.

“I was trying to come up with good ideas,” the other man replied quietly and glanced towards the desk with an expression that resembled mild disgust. “In vain.”

“Maybe this is the reason for dreaming of you.” He smiled to himself and leaned against the door. It was safer. “You could sleep and try again tomorrow.”

“If I go to bed I will only be thinking about pointless things, like hurt feelings and the fact that you only want to see my face when it is night time.” The brown-haired man sighed and pushed some of the crumpled papers out of the way with his foot. Once he created a small pathway to the bed, he let himself fall on top of it, white shirt lifting and showing more of his trunks, endless legs and the hint of a collarbone at the top. Hyungwon seemed tired, dark lines below his eyes suggested lack of sleep and his motions were more sluggish and less precise than they usually were. He was gorgeous, no matter what.

“But- I see your face the whole day long, how you pierce me with those huge eyes of yours, making me uncomfortable and everything,” he muttered and left his gaze on Hyungwon's long legs for longer than appropriate, but there was no-one to judge him, so he continued. “And I will go back to my room. But not before telling you what I wanted to say.”

“I meant outside of filming. I’m the director when we film and not the person you see right now.” The brown-haired man sighed and crossed his legs while one hand reached out to massage his temple the way as he liked to do. “But please speak. A very genuine and irrational part of me is euphoric because you are here, no matter what the reason is. How are you feeling? Has the presence of your best friend helped you?”

“I dreamt of you touching me but when I woke up I realized that it was Minhyuk, this was a little terrifying. Otherwise he makes me feel like home and gives me a safe space to think, so I guess that's why I'm here now.” A part of him wanted to close the distance and pull the gorgeous brown-haired man into his embrace, but he curled his hand tighter around the handle behind him instead.

“I dreamt of you too,” Hyungwon replied and smiled for the first time, cheeks lifting up and making him look so much younger again. It was a brief moment, illuminating their shared space like a bright lamp until it disappeared again and made room for an expression Hoseok hadn’t seen before, lips parted and eyes glancing to the side. “I would ask you to sit down, but you seem a little scared of me.” The taller man’s hands dropped to the sheets and curled up, holding on tightly as he watched him, eyes big and focused. He smiled in reaction to the other man’s brief expression of joy before sighing loudly.

_They all think that you’re scared. There must be something about your face._

“You think that I’m scared?” he asked. “I see you can’t really tell, but you also don’t really know me. I’m hesitant, but determined, scared, but sure, weak, but strong. It’s all about ambivalence. I’m not scared. I feel.”

Again Hyungwon smiled a little, toes rubbing over the wooden floors in small circles. Looking away for a few seconds, the brown eyes returned to his face. The other man dropped the expressionless face he had when they met outside, showing every little twitch of his body, his lips and his eyes.

“Scared is the better alternative out of the ones that I could choose from. When I asked you to meet me, you- nevermind. Let’s just say that having fear as the reason was easier to bear than everything else. I’m human, I take the easy way out.”

_He thought you didn’t want to meet because of him?_

“And how does the easy way feel?” he asked again, chewing on his lips and forcing himself to stay at the door.

“Like shit,” Hyungwon replied and chuckled before pushing himself a little further up on the bed, sinking into the too-soft mattress and having his feet hang over the edge. “But I am glad that your friend found the time to come and be close to you. He is definitely more familiar than I am and as you said- he is the one that was missing around here.”

“Want to know what I think?” It would’ve been so easy to step closer, to reduce the distance between them and to melt into the other man’s gorgeous body, feeling his slightly cooler skin with his fingertips and not feel the distance he created artificially by staying back.

_Because there is less and less distance between you._

“Of course, after all I was better at understanding you when I didn’t allow my own mind to play a role in this.” Hyungwon sucked his bottom lip into his mouth and observed him carefully, eyes following each micromotion and the way he shifted his weight from one leg to the next. “When you are biased it is easy to interpret something in your favour and I am trying not to.”

“I mean, you can of course think whatever you like, but I’ll still tell you my point of view. My weak self was trying to keep functioning during the past few days by crying myself to sleep and trying not to lose my shit because there was nothing familiar around me. Even you. You are not familiar to me, Hyungwon. You are cold and then you’re hot again, you’re calm and collected and then you throw everything away as if it wasn’t there in the first place, making me go crazy with your unrestrained screams and your gorgeous body. It would be easy if it was only this, but it’s not. You are responsible and care for your actors, being all professional, but then- there are those gazes. You look at me, thinking that I don’t realize, but I do and they make me go crazy even more because it’s the same fucking way I keep looking at you, Hyungwon. I want you. I want you close even though I don’t know you and I don’t know what you think or how you feel about this, but I still want you. With or without my mask. I feel like I’m dying every single time that you get close to me and I don’t have my mask and I don’t know what to do because I have no experience in this, but I-” He stopped and inhaled deeply, eyes fluttering shut before opening again and focusing on the beautiful man on the bed. “I want you to melt into me to see how weak you are.”

The longer he talked, the wider Hyungwon’s eyes became. The brown-haired man was staring at him in shock and had attempted to say something a few times, but gave up in the middle, lips remaining parted and hands grabbing the sheets next to his hips so tightly that they turned white.

“Hoseok- I-” he murmured and swallowed, as if he couldn’t decide how to reply to him yet, how to answer to the bucket of feelings he had just emptied over the older man’s head. “You see me as hot and cold because I am trying to separate how I am with you and how I am around other people. I- rarely get close to people, to be honest I never do. But I do like you, I told you before, you make me want to see you and talk to you and be close. I rarely show my weaknesses, Hoseok, but somehow you make me.” Hyungwon licked over his lips and broke eye contact, staring at his naked legs instead.

Hoseok smiled brightly at the sight.

“I like your weaknesses. They’re pretty. Like your legs.” He didn’t mean to say the last part, but it just slipped out, so he grinned. “Anyways, that’s what I wanted to say. And now I’ll go back and you should go to sleep too.”

“W-what?” Hyungwon looked shocked again as he basically crawled to the edge of the bed to get up on his feet. The white shirt he was wearing slipped down one shoulder, revealing more of his chest and collarbones, but the brown-haired man didn’t seem to realize, staring at him with wide eyes. His lips pulled together slowly, resembling a pout. “You can’t just say all that, telling me that you weren’t rejecting me in the first place, at least not really and then leave as if you are rejecting me after all. Just- what?”

“Huh? I never rejected you. If we’re being honest you have been the one rejecting me. I wanted to be close to you with my mask on and I showed you myself without, you just chose to ignore it. I’m telling you all this because it’s true and because it’s not my style to pretend that nothing is happening between us.” The other man’s visual made it hard to breathe, it was all of Hoseok’s kinks and if Hyungwon had tied a ribbon around his neck he would’ve sunk to his knees.

“What?” Hyungwon looked utterly shocked. “You told me on the bus that you don’t want to be close to me with the mask on, so I accepted it after hurting you. When you were here at night, I thought it meant something, but you disappeared again and didn’t come back either. I tried to invite you to spend the evening with me, but you rejected the offer. Of course I think that you are rejecting me. What else was I supposed to think?”

_Oh god, he misunderstood you._

“First of all, I told you that I won’t show you anything including my masked self if you think that it’s a cool thing to stomp all over my weaknesses, not that I won’t be close to you in general. I left because I was fucking terrified. I’ve never been close to someone sexually without the mask. The mask is my sexual self and I improvised by using the tie, but it’s not the same. It’s too- too intimate and I don’t really know what to do or how to feel. Moreover, I’m so fucking homesick, I was losing my shit. I came to you with a bottle and you were a heartless dick for pretending you didn’t know when we met you at the lake. You like being heartless? Amazing, but this is not what I like you for.”

Hoseok had never seen so many emotions cross the older man’s face at once, beginning with understanding and finishing with so much hurt that he could see how Hyungwon’s bottom lip trembled in an attempt to contain it.

“I don’t like being heartless,” the brown-haired man whispered, sound barely reaching Hoseok’s ears. “I tried to talk to you and invite you to meet me, but you didn’t want to. I didn’t know how to act around you after that and your friend made it even more difficult. I have no idea how to get close to people without losing face or making them uncomfortable unless it’s perfectly professional, which it isn’t with you. I didn’t know how to act around Minhyuk because he wasn’t you, so I just did what I always do. I tried to explain, but-” Hyungwon swallowed and broke the eye contact, blinking more often than he usually did. “But he simply called me weird for being unable to open up. I know that, I know that I can’t fucking do it.”

“But you can open up. I mean- look at me? I can’t touch anyone's body without wearing a stupid mask like a weirdo, but this is a part of myself, a weakness, a strength, I don’t know. Do you know why I wear it? Do you know the reason behind it?” He shouldn’t have started this talk, but it was too late and Hyungwon looked so vulnerable and he wanted to embrace him and tell him all the intimate and embarrassing things about himself.

“Because you don’t want anybody to read your emotions from your face, to see how much it means to you,” Hyungwon replied quietly and sucked his lips into his mouth, still not meeting his eyes and staring at one of the ugly pictures on the wall.

“Yes. Because apparently I look way too intense for what’s happening. But I put on the mask and I hide half of my face and create distance at the same time. Also, right now I’m standing at the door and ready to run because you’re too fucking tempting and beautiful at the same time, but I don’t have the mask, so I’m trying my best to hold back from closing the distance and finally experience what your red lips taste like right now.” He chuckled and looked to the ceiling briefly, before uncurling his fingers from the handle and letting his arm fall lose at his side.

“I’m not- not scared of anybody seeing what is on my face. That isn’t my concern. My concern is the way such relationships and interactions pull me in, they become part of the here and now, part of my reality and I am unable to leave it. I use my experiences and memories to tell a story, to express something in film, but if I am caught in reality I can’t. I can’t do anything.” Suddenly, Hyungwon let himself drop to the floor, kneeling on the ground with his hands wrapped around his naked thighs. The gorgeous man didn’t look up, staring at his naked legs and tightening the grip in his fingers. “When you wear the mask it seems like an alternative reality, a moment in time that has a finite ending, it lasts for a particular amount of time. I cannot get lost in it because it has to end, but when I am with you like this, then- then I forget everything else and I’m useless when I do.”

His chest hurt, but he ignored it, watching the man on the floor telling him that the mask was what he actually wanted.

_Well- you can’t blame him. It’s much more controlled and attractive than what’s behind it._

“I think I like you so much that I’m ready to give you any reality that you want,” he whispered and turned around. His heart beat like crazy as he walked through the door and closed it behind himself.


	12. 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Your weaknesses make me want to do something about my own.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 27th of April at 2 PM CET.  
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Hyungwon would have loved to say that he didn’t remember what an emotional rollercoaster felt like, how quickly feelings could be hurt, built up and hurt again over a short period of time. No, he remembered. He even remembered it rather well, using it as one of the sources for his creativity and the way his characters behaved in his films. A lot of it was taken from personal experiences or the way people behaved in his life.

But the memory of what it was like didn’t make it any easier to deal with the feelings as soon as they returned and took him by storm. His infatuation with Hoseok had easily slipped past his facade and showed itself in his actions and the way he looked at the red-haired man, how he allowed him to cover his eyes and touch him and how he pleased him while watching the expressions of his lips and the way his muscles tensed intently. It had been intimate, much more intimate than Hyungwon had allowed himself to be with somebody for years. Hoseok easily slipped past the barricades he created, the mask as a safe place in which his feelings didn’t matter, his distance at work that the red-haired man easily bridged once they were alone, the strength with which he tried to stay away but failed because Hoseok was right there, only a few rooms away and once he was in front of him there was no way to resist and stay apart, to not embrace the gorgeous man in his arms and try to make him feel better.

Hyungwon had never experienced home sickness. For him it had always been the other way around, after finishing his studies and filming a few movies that gained success he had left the US for good, trying to leave the people and everything else behind him and focus on his art. It had worked, for a while at least. Seeing Hoseok hurt, holding a bottle to drink away his misery had been a crack in his facade, the first step to opening up in a reality that was theirs, not invented and not with a limited time frame. At least that was what he had thought.

His opinion changed as soon as Hoseok got dressed in a hurry and left, leaving him alone in his room with the feeling that there had been a time limit. There was a border to what had happened between them and Hyungwon had made the mistake to not anticipate it, getting hurt as a result. Actually, he should have been relieved, enjoy the fact that the red-haired man kept the distance all by himself and didn’t allow him to act on his feelings. His brain knew that it was good, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. He wanted to see Hoseok, to meet him, to help him somehow and to be the person that he considered familiar, the one that could help him deal with whatever it was that ate him from the inside.

Hoseok didn't come to his room, even after a few days had passed and the way the red-haired man used his own misery to act out Benjamin’s left a bitter taste inside Hyungwon’s mouth. He couldn’t let Hoseok be and wait for him to come, he had to act himself. So he did, stopping him after filming and asking him if he wanted to join for dinner or a drink, talk and exchange a little. He wasn’t sure what exactly he had expected, but it wasn’t the fake smile and a head shake, leaving him standing where he was as Hoseok hurried back to the hotel. Rejection hurt, especially when it was unexpected.

Hyungwon hadn’t acted on his desire to see the younger man since then, focusing on filming and trying to flounder in his memories again, to return to the fake feeling of safety because he knew everything there was to know about his feelings and the way he acted. Hoseok brushed the dust from his rusted emotions like a fresh breeze and didn’t allow the small particles to return to their place, landing all over him and his unfamiliar emotions instead. Hyungwon didn’t want to be upset, he didn’t want to feel rejected and he wanted to focus on his film instead of his unrequited feelings towards a twenty-year-old actor. He had been done with actors for a long time now, not allowing anybody to come close, but somehow Hoseok had managed.

When he saw the younger man’s pretty face, accompanied by the best friend that he had missed so much, he felt sure that fate was playing a sick joke on him, emphasizing how he wasn’t what Hoseok needed. Of course he could have felt relieved at the thought, moved on and focused on something else, but feelings weren’t that easy, they found other gestures to hold on to, other signs that weren’t even there. Hyungwon couldn’t trust his judgement anymore, not with how strong his infatuation had gotten since they had been close that night, kissing without a safe space.

Instead of showing everything that his complicated emotions wanted him to scream out, he panicked, closing up like a rusty door in front of a newcomers face and tried to remain professional, calming his rapidly beating heart. He didn’t really know Minhyuk, not enough to show him how vulnerable he was next to Hoseok, following every single word that left the red-haired man’s curved lips. Hyungwon had attempted to hide it, but the other man was genuine with him, smiling cheerfully and supporting Hoseok who looked so much better in his presence.

_He really needs him, Hyungwon._

He had tried to give some of that back, to let go of his fear and show his insecurities, to tell the black-haired man that he couldn’t quite read him yet that he struggled with getting close to new people, that he barely let anybody call him by his first name. He had needed a long time to allow Hoseok to cross the border, to get close enough to make a difference, to be able to hurt him the way he had only recently. His nervous gestures returned immediately, teeth settling on his lips and hands curling up and hiding in the pockets of his suit pants.

Again he must have underestimated another person, expecting understanding and receiving an insult in return.

_Yeah, Hyungwon, why are you so weird? Why can’t you be like other Americans and get your shit together, you don’t even really look like one._

It happened immediately, every expression that he had allowed to paint his face dissipated into thin air as he pursed his lips and spoke formally, emphasizing how fake everything was back home. It wasn’t even home, it was a poor excuse of a home. The title was just as fake as the place itself. In the last minute he tried to save it, to invite Hoseok’s friend for dinner because after all it was still somebody who mattered to Hoseok, even if he insulted Hyungwon and stepped on his insecurities.

He had been hurt by the interaction, by the way Hoseok still stayed away, watching him carefully but not really speaking, rejecting him the way he had at the set when Hyungwon tried to bridge the distance between them. The encounter had hurt, but it also returned him to his memories, to thoughts that he had almost forgotten over the past few days, memories of similar insults, a pretty face that looked at him with disgust and stacks of paper that fell to the ground. Flashbacks were fascinating, maybe that was why Hyungwon always used them in his films.

Sitting at his desk and scribbling one scene after the next, coming up with plotlines or figuring out the backgrounds of characters that had not been relevant before, he tried hard to accept the rejection and see it as a chance. It should have been salvation, the way out. Hyungwon could have forgotten everything and returned to filming and dwelling in his memories on long walks along the lake, but he wasn’t. Instead he wasn’t sleeping and trying to focus his mind on something that it didn’t want to focus on. The ideas were bad and each of the shots and scenes he sketched missed the mark. Crumpling them up carelessly, he threw them into the garbage and when that was full, he started littering the floor behind him.

He didn’t want to sleep because he didn’t want to dream. His mind was easily caught by what happened to him and the thoughts in his mind. It had been apparent when he dreamt about the red-haired man after seeing his videos and it was apparent now as not even once the mask had appeared in front of him. It was Hoseok, bright smile and hot hands, embracing him and stroking over his hair the way he had on the bus. It was innocent and emotional and that was what made it terrifying.

His infatuation had reached a new high, a level at which he wasn’t able to influence himself with pointless mind games anymore. The mask was no alternative, it was an excuse to be close, the distance was an attempt to not get hurt, but he kept bridging it. The new experiences he had with the red-haired man were turning into memories that haunted him much like the previous ones, returning to him and influencing reality. The difference was that this time there was a way to influence it.

Maybe he had already succumbed to his feelings and his inability to control them when he opened the door, meeting Hoseok’s gorgeous face and the determination on it. It was childish and too early, but he had felt relieved, happy to see that the red-haired man wanted to see him after all. Even the fact that Hoseok remained at the door his brain easily explained with something pointless, fear of having to redefine their relationship, insecurity about what would happen. His mind had a lot of options and Hyungwon felt ready to accept any of them.

His heart was hammering in his chest and his palms hurt from the strength with which he buried his nails in them when Hoseok told him about his realization, about understanding that he wanted him, be it with a mask or without. There was euphoria blooming in his stomach at the same time that dread dripped down his chest. It sounded like a confession, like the red-haired man was admitting to his own feelings, to how much he wanted to be close independent of the sexual safe space that he created for his partners. There was much more to their interactions than just the physical contact and Hyungwon was excited and scared at the same time. Terrified that the younger man had understood.

There was so much between them, misunderstandings like the red mask being off limits even though it wasn’t really. Maybe it had been his heart, ripping the excuse from him to force him to confront the gorgeous man with open arms, show him what there was to him without the alternative reality that he could hide in. He tried to explain it, to show how scared he was of drowning in reality, of allowing himself to feel what was around him and forget what was in the past, what had happened and what still influenced him now, the thoughts that were the source of his creativity. Once Hoseok had worn the mask there was a safe space, but not because they were able to do everything, but because there had been a time limit, there was a point at which their interactions were over and they returned to their respective spots in society, fulfilling their role and acting out their predetermined relationship. It had been easy and allowed Hyungwon to stay focused on his memories and thoughts, to remain productive and inspired, but once he entered reality he lost himself, turned obsessed and dependent, vulnerable.

_You’re already vulnerable._

His thighs burned from the strength with which he dug his fingers into them, naked skin gaining color with each passing second. The floor was cold under his legs, but he barely realized. His attention was rather focused on the burning in his eyes and how to speak his next words, how to explain how much had changed and how he didn’t know how to control the situation anymore. It was ripped from his hands as soon as they stepped into the bus, eliminating his excuse and the distance that he had hidden behind.

“I think I like you so much that I’m ready to give you any reality that you want,” Hoseok replied suddenly, voice emotional and stepped outside of the room, closing the door behind himself with a painful thud.

_He misunderstood, he thinks that you only want the mask._

He swallowed as tears filled his eyes and he tried to fight them off, staring at the ceiling and focusing on the words that he had meant to say but that didn’t dare to pass his lips.

“The mask was my excuse to stay away, Hoseok,” he whispered and held his breath, burning in his eyes only intensifying. “And now it’s broken.”

He glanced down at the red marks on his thighs and his vision blurred as drops fell down and burned where his nails had been. Hoseok believed he wanted the mask and was going to give him exactly that, convinced that there was nothing else he wanted. But Hyungwon wanted the mask the least, he wanted what hid behind it, the smiles and caresses, the innocence that he seemed to have abandoned a long time ago, succumbing to hurt instead.

His legs quivered when he pulled himself to his feet, ignoring the time of night and how little he was wearing as he forced his body to cross the distance and rip the door open. Hoseok hadn’t gotten far, he could vaguely identify his broad shoulders in the dark, slowly walking towards his room. Inhaling sharply, he ran the last few steps, grabbed Hoseok’s shoulder with his right hand and turned the other man around, meeting dark eyes.

“I don’t want the mask, Hoseok, I want you and that’s why I’m scared.”

“You're scared? What am I supposed to say? I have no experience in giving anything else but the mask,” Hoseok whispered, eyes wide and even darker in the barely illuminated hallway.

Hyungwon used his left hand to rub over his face once, embarrassed by the state he was in. He hadn’t thought properly before running out and blurting out his thoughts at the red-haired man. Even now he didn’t know how to explain himself, lips trembling like those of a little child.

“You’ve given me a lot before taking it away again,” he murmured, remembering the kisses and the hot hands on his body until Hoseok created distance through using a black tie. “You make me open up and I never do, Hoseok. I- I like you a lot, so don’t think it is the mask that I want, please.”

Suddenly there was shuffling behind one of the doors, as Hoseok's eyes widened in panic and he took his hand, dragging him back to his room and closing the door behind them. The red-haired man was leaning against the door and breathing heavily, probably due to the panic and held his wrist tightly. It hurt and Hyungwon barely contained a whimper as adrenaline rushed through his veins, just as scared to be found out as the younger man was, if not more.

“You want me? I want you too. I told you. Right now I'm dying because of all the adrenaline but it doesn't make me want you less. You're absolutely stunning and I- I want to kiss you,” Hoseok whispered and his gaze appeared so much more focused all of a sudden, watching him as the curved lips parted to release a shaky exhale.

Hyungwon blinked, failing to understand how Hoseok would want to kiss him when his face was a mess, covered in partially dry tears and his hands were shaking from the emotional wreck that his body had turned into. But the words sounded so tempting, like he could wrap his arms around Hoseok’s neck and forget to think, enjoy the warmth that he missed so much and that nothing else was able to provide.

He used his left hand to rub over his face again, lips feeling puffy and stepped a little closer. Hoseok’s grip on his wrist had loosened a little and turned into pleasant warmth instead, a hint of what he could have once he stepped even closer and bridged the distance between them.

“I want to kiss you too, but you might be disappointed by the salty taste instead of what you are used to,” he whispered and swallowed once, body trembling a little in anticipation of what was about to happen, whether Hoseok would still lean in and grant him a kiss, embrace him the way Hyungwon had wanted him to for days. A soft smile played around the curved corners of Hoseok's gorgeous lips and the other man tilted his head a little.

“I think that your weaknesses are not only pretty but also incredibly delicious,” the beautiful low voice whispered in reply and a hot palm brushed over his cheek, fingers curling into his hair as Hoseok pulled him against his lips. The red-haired man met him halfway as their mouths touched and melted into each other, accompanied by shaky exhales and a strong arm around his waist that pulled him into a burning embrace.

Hyungwon whimpered at the sudden relief he felt, the way his heart almost jumped out of his chest to be granted this closeness, to have his arms wrap around Hoseok’s neck and pull him as close as was physically possible. His thighs burned from the marks he had created himself, but he ignored it as he clung to the younger man’s body.

“I missed you. I missed you so much, Hyungwon,” Hoseok whispered in between kisses, while holding him tightly, unwilling to let go and lips exploring every spot on his face, kissing the trails of his dry tears only to return to his lips again, kissing him as if there was no tomorrow.

“I- I was so upset when you didn’t want to spend the evening with me, I thought-” Hyungwon swallowed as the memory of how he had felt returned to him, arms only tightening around Hoseok’s neck and body attempting to melt into the other man’s. “I thought you didn’t want to talk or see me anymore.”

“I'm a person who is full of complexes, it wasn't because of you. I thought you wanted me to socialise. I didn't have the strength to keep my tears back after a whole day of filming, so I declined and cried alone by myself. I'm sorry for hurting you, I didn't mean to. I really like you.” Hoseok's lips emphasized each word with a kiss along his jaw, before the other man buried his face in the crook of his neck and hugged him even tighter.

Hyungwon would have chuckled at the fact that he never socialized had it not been so sad. He hummed and entangled his fingers with Hoseok’s hair, raking through it and enjoying the way the soft strands felt in between his fingers.

“I- never meet anybody outside of filming. The time when we… drank coffee because I got lost was the first time in two years.”

“I'm happy that I could give you something special. Do you like it that way, or is it something that you suffer from?” Hoseok's hands travelled under his shirt and applied pressure to have him even closer. It was impressive how hot Hoseok's skin felt at all times. Hyungwon couldn’t believe that the red-haired man was so calm about his inability to socialize, that he understood the distance he kept putting between himself and others.

“I- I like it, a lot,” he admitted, chewing on his cheek and burying his face in Hoseok’s hair. It smelled really good and their closeness gave him the courage to ask a personal question, to understand how Hoseok could easily cross the line of being close to strangers. “Hoseok, what makes wanting to be close to me different from the boys you sleep with? What makes you able to be close to somebody you don’t know?”

“You were different from the start to be honest. You knew what you wanted and you invaded the safe space I created and made it yours instead of letting go like the others do. I can remember thinking that it was dangerous after you went home, but my brain doesn't seem to perceive negative connotations well,” the young man chuckled and leaned in to nibble on his earlobe. “I can be close to somebody I don't know because I'm able to separate the body from everything else. My face is too emotional, so I cover it too. I know what I like and enjoy and it's easy to achieve while wearing a mask and providing a safe space in return. It's easy, but you- I'm genuinely sorry for this comparison, but you know Alien the movie, right? Where they get infected? This kind of thing. You came and planted something inside my head while showing me how gorgeous you are when you feel pleasure, then you got close to me in private, giving me a tiny glimpse of your weakness and getting me hooked. To come back to your question- what makes you different is that I like you.”

Hyungwon stared at the red-haired man for a few moments, leaning back sufficiently to see his face and to understand whether he was being absolutely serious. Hoseok’s face was easy to read for him, different from the way he looked when he acted or when he wore the mask. Smiling, Hyungwon leaned in and placed a careful kiss to the warm lips, licking along the bottom one to memorize the way it felt.

“For me it doesn’t matter if I like somebody or not. I cannot sleep with a stranger just like that,” he murmured and wondered whether he should point out that saying he infected Hoseok like an Alien was a really nasty comparison. If anything Hoseok had been the one to infiltrate his brain through his innuendos and videos and force him to forsake his usual precautions.

“But how come you came to my door? I- I mean, I definitely felt the sexual tension that was between us, you could've cut it with a knife, but I didn't think you would act on it.” Hoseok leaned in and placed careful kisses along his collarbone.

“Neither did I,” Hyungwon muttered and thought about how to explain his decision to act. It had been out of desperation, at least partially. “To be honest you… ruined my self control, at least in relation to my libido. I never bothered much with self-gratification but you sent me that video to watch and-” He sighed loudly and tried to hide his face by pressing it to Hoseok’s cheek. This was definitely not something a grown man was supposed to be telling a twenty-year-old. “I wanted to be one of those boys, to explore that side of you I knew was there from day one.”

“This is interesting.” Hoseok's voice turned playful as his hands continued to roam over his naked back, hiding under the fabric of his shirt. “Because although you do share some similarities regarding looks, you're still different when you're naked in front of me. You do not let yourself go and let me do whatever, you're specific and you try to fight me.”

“I know, I- switched in the middle. I can’t explain it myself either. My thoughts were different when I touched myself and imagined it to be you.” Hyungwon swallowed and sucked his lips into his mouth while he let one leg curl around Hoseok’s hips, experimenting whether it was okay.

“Oh god, you're making me all hot and bothered, I think I need to get my mask.” Hissing, the red-haired man attached his lips to the crook of his neck, nibbling on it carefully.

“Why can’t you be hot and bothered without your mask?” Hyungwon asked and snuck his hand in between their bodies, fingers tracing the outline of Hoseok’s length. The switch was difficult to understand for him. The red-haired man was different with and without mask, but he didn’t understand the necessity. Hoseok wasn’t showing more vulnerability than Hyungwon was, sex was always very intimate which was why he couldn’t have slept with a stranger.

“Habit. It's like always using condoms. If it gets sexual, I put on my mask. It's- I never had those problems before because I never date anyway and I only film at my place and everything is there so I don't need to go anywhere, but you're- oh god.” He was blessed with a gorgeous low moan. “But-” Hoseok grabbed his wrist and pulled it away from his groin. “How can you want me without the mask if you know how I can be when I wear it? It doesn't make sense. It should be the other way around.”

“Why? Because everybody has to be turned on by a dominant muscular dude?” he asked teasingly and used his thigh to stimulate Hoseok instead, small grin taking over his lips. He really liked the way Hoseok’s hand held onto him, so he allowed it to show with a brief gasp, body responding immediately. The two of them were crazy, getting close at a place that was as sound proof as a paper box.

“It was enough for you to jerk off while imagining that the boy I took was you, so I guess it was enough to be turned on.” Hoseok grinned back before biting down on his lower lip at the feeling of Hyungwon's thigh between his legs. “Why do you want me to lose it so much? I might get terrified and not get hard at all, wouldn't it be sad?” Hoseok asked, lying straight into his face considering his erection twitched against his thigh.

Hyungwon smiled at the attempt and leaned in to lick over the younger man’s bottom lip, tasting him briefly while he thought about how to fit his second wrist into the same strong grip that was holding his first. Goosebumps were spreading along his body at the thought and he felt his shirt slip lower on his shoulder.

“I was fascinated by the switch, Hoseok, by how far away from reality being with you in a mask was. I felt sure that it wouldn’t disturb my relationship to you and filming because it was something different, something limited. That’s why I finally acted on it, unable to help it anymore, but- if you are worried about not getting hard we can see what happens if I take you whole again. I liked the way you felt against my throat last time.”

“Oh my god.” Hoseok tightened his grip on his wrist by accident, reacting to his words with his whole body. “But what- what if you don't like the way my face looks when I touch you? I don't want to break anything, it was perfect with me and my mask.” The other man was almost begging with how his eyes turned big, making him look like a puppy while his strong hand was squeezing his wrist. The duality was impressive. Hyungwon really wanted him to hold both of his wrists and fuck his mouth.

“How can I dislike your face when there hasn’t been a single moment that I didn’t want to look at it?” he asked and moved downwards, using the fact that Hoseok was still leaning against the door and didn’t have to hold his own weight. Licking over his lips to wet them, he lifted the younger man’s shirt and attached his lips to one of his nipples, whimpering at the grip on his hand and pulling at it a little. He wasn’t trying to break free, for that he wasn’t trying hard enough, but he liked the sensation of being restrained. His free hand travelled to Hoseok’s groin and rubbed along his length once before making quick work of his jeans and pulling them low enough to see that there was no underwear. Smiling at the discovery, he covered the head of Hoseok’s erection with his plump lips and sucked intently. He loved the reactions, the big eyes, the immediate response. It seemed like the red-haired man took control when he lost it and Hyungwon couldn’t help but yearn for exactly that. Hoseok moaned and threw his head back against the door, free hand curling into his hair and pulling at it. Hyungwon instantly moaned at the pull.

“I- oh god, Hyungwon, fuck, leave- leave me some of my sanity to touch you or I'll lose it, you feel so fucking amazing,” the other man's low voice sounded loud in his ears. Hyungwon loved it, breaths picking up and thighs trembling as he sank to the floor and allowed more of the hot length to slide into his mouth. He played a little, rubbing it over his tongue and allowing it to briefly touch his throat before he moved back, tongueing the slit. His free hand pinched a nipple, rolling it between index finger and thumb before reaching out to hold onto Hoseok’s forearm. He liked the sensation, having both of his hands in the air while he only used his mouth to make Hoseok feel good. The breathy moans and gasps were like music to his ears.

“I can't groan, can I?” Hoseok pressed out and curled his fingers around his other wrist, pulling at both, probably to make him lift back on his feet. His voice was a traitor as he moaned loudly, sucking with more effort to stop as soon as fingers wrapped around his wrist and tugged. He let the hot erection slip out of his mouth and stood up, eyes meeting Hoseok’s and tongue sliding over his lips briefly to collect excess spit.

“Shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit,” Hoseok cursed, before he pulled his shirt over his head and cupped his face with both palms, hot against his skin. A few seconds passed as he could see all kinds of emotions on Hoseok's face before the familiar eyes darkened and the red-haired man clashed their lips together, pushing him towards the bed. Hyungwon whimpered at the sudden determination and wrapped his arms around Hoseok’s neck, one leg easily wrapping around the muscular man’s hip. He pushed most of his weight on it, allowing Hoseok to simply drag him along. His fingers sank into the red-haired man’s bright strands and tugged at it to tilt his head and give Hyungwon more access to his lips. He was going mad, acting out on his desires and wishes without any second thoughts.

It took a few seconds for Hoseok to step out of his jeans and crawl on top of him as the other man's hot fingers undid one button after the other, lips attaching to his skin, sucking on a nipple and moaning against him. It felt so fucking good that he simply threw his head back and lifted up his legs, lips parting in a louder moan. His brain turned on belatedly and he quickly clasped a hand over his lips, eyes widening.

“The sounds you make, you drive me completely crazy,” Hoseok whispered and settled between his legs before taking his length into his pretty mouth. Hyungwon pressed his palm firmly against his lips as he groaned and his thighs trembled, desire rushing through him instead of blood. His eyes fluttered shut and he buried his fingers in the sheets above his head while attempting to move closer towards Hoseok, hips slipping lower until his feet were able to touch the red-haired man’s lap. Rubbing over the muscular thighs with his feet he moaned again, sound muffled by his hand.

“This- this is not enough, I want more,” the other man muttered and looked at him from under his red bangs, crawling up slowly. “Would you take me while I take you?”

Hyungwon nodded enthusiastically and removed his palm from his lips, licking over them quickly to ease the slide. The wetter, the better and he couldn’t wait to please the gorgeous red-haired man. Something had wrecked his inhibitions, differently than when Hoseok wore a mask. He couldn’t explain it apart from the way he could read every emotion and thought in Hoseok’s face. As soon as the other man's length disappeared in his mouth, Hoseok started pleasing him as if there was no tomorrow, sucking harshly and pulling his hips against his face to take him deeper.

Hyungwon moaned around the thick erection in his mouth and licked over the head before sucking his way towards Hoseok's groin, trying to stay coherent in the process. He wanted to shut up, so he purposefully allowed Hoseok to thrust deeper, brushing over his throat and making his own dick twitch in the red-haired man’s mouth. He was so easy to read, reacting to the sensation the same way he had the last time, trembling and wanting more. The combination of tight lips around his dick and perfect slide over his tongue and against his throat was perfect, making him dizzy and conjuring white spots in his vision.

He could feel Hoseok twitch in his mouth while the other man deepthroated him and stole his senses in the same way that he stole Hoseok’s. It wasn’t long until they both orgasmed, only seconds apart. After sucking up, he could see the red hair in the corner of his eye as strong warm arms curled around him.

“Ah- you're making me do all kinds of things for the first time.”

Hyungwon didn’t reply and tried to catch his breath, body still burning with the aftereffects of his orgasm and the pleasant burning between his lips. Instead of burying his face in the crook of Hoseok’s neck as he wanted to at first, he leaned in and kissed the beautifully curved mouth, enjoying the way the soft lips gave in. The beautiful man kissed back, slowly wrapping around him and pulling him into a warm embrace, entangling their legs and throwing a blanket on top.

Inhaling the mixed scent of Hoseok and sex, Hyungwon couldn’t help but wonder if the red-haired man was going to get up and leave again, pretend that nothing had happened. On the one hand he wanted him to pretend that nothing happened, at least on set, but on the other he wanted to see him again, to drink coffee and show him his favourite places. He was being childish, but it was difficult to avoid when his infatuation took control of all of his thoughts.

“You feel too good to be true,” he murmured and buried his face in the crook of Hoseok’s neck, finally allowing himself to relax and abandon all muscle tension.

“I really like being close to you,” the low voice whispered back and the hot embrace spread further, pulling him into a calm, warm darkness.

 

***

Hoseok knew that it was bright outside, but he still didn’t want to open his eyes. Clutching onto Minhyuk’s slim body until it got too intimate, with the other man’s erection pressing into his thigh. He finally opened one eye and met golden skin instead of the usually pale black-haired man.

_Hyungwon. It’s Hyungwon._

He immediately panicked, sitting up on the bed and looking around. The room was littered with crumpled sheets of paper and their clothes while they lay naked in Hyungwon’s bed, embracing as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

_Why did you fall asleep?_

Hoseok had never stayed overnight besides at Minhyuk’s place before they moved in together. As if it wasn’t enough, his brain immediately supplied him with pictures of himself losing it without his mask and doing 69 with Hyungwon until they both collapsed next to each other.

_What is going on with you two?_

A look to the side revealed the older man’s gorgeous, lean body, sprawled out over the sheets, beautiful straight erection on display and long legs spread, as if to tease him, to remind him that he went crazy because of the other man. His own morning erection became painfully apparent and he lifted his gaze to Hyungwon’s face. The other man looked stunning while sleeping, so peaceful and beautiful, thick lips slightly parted and arms placed over his head, again as if to tease him, showing him that the director was everything that he liked and considered attractive.

_What are you supposed to do now? What time is it?_

He almost thought about getting dressed and fleeing from the crime scene, but Hyungwon’s previous words still circled in his head, reminding him of how hurt he had been that Hoseok had left after they were close.

Leaning closer, he chewed on his cheek, contemplating what to do, before placing a kiss on Hyungwon’s parted lips.

“Hey,” he whispered.

Beautiful, big eyes fluttered open at the words before closing again. Mumbling something incoherent, Hyungwon stretched out his arms before simply wrapping them around Hoseok’s neck like they belonged there. It felt so nice, but also new, unfamiliar. It was a little strange to be close like this, naturally. Still, Hoseok leaned closer and kissed him again, not to wake him up, just because he was selfish.

“Do you have a clock here?” he whispered against the shell of the other man’s cutely curled ear that resembled a cinnamon roll.

“On my wuist,” Hyungwon mumbled, obviously mispronouncing ‘wrist’ and only vaguely moving the body part in question towards him. A second glance emphasized that the brown-haired  man was indeed wearing a watch, a pretty, golden one. Instead of opening his eyes properly, Hyungwon blinked again and pulled his lips into a pout, plump enough to resemble a bow. He was gorgeous and Hoseok forgot to panic, watching his stunning features, how every single movement made him look even prettier.

“It’s morning and not only did I do 69 without wearing a mask and am mildly terrified of myself, but I also did it with the director of the movie I’m filming. And now I’m naked in his room and it’s definitely late morning and we are surrounded by staff and actors and my best friend will fucking kill me which is surely the worst of them all.” He got rid of everything he wanted to say and leaned in, licking over one of Hyungwon’s tiny nipples. They looked equally dazzling and tasted even better.

A gasp left the gorgeous, plump mouth and Hyungwon finally opened one eye, staring at him with surprising concentration, considering that he had resisted waking up only moments ago.

“So what? It happened already, so you can't change anything about it. Gotta make the best of it.” Shrugging, Hyungwon wrapped his right leg around Hoseok’s body and pulled him flush against the slim chest, erection pressing into his thigh.

_Oh god._

“Why aren’t you panicking? You should be panicking too, I’m not the only one with the complexes, you’re also all stuck up about not having any relationship towards your actors and now you’re lying under me in the middle of the day, making me want to have you,” Hoseok murmured, giving up on panic. His lips attached to the golden skin and he let his body sink on top of the beautiful man, feeling how aroused they both were. Maybe it was okay?

_Maybe Minhyuk won’t… oh god. He will. He will fucking kill you, Hoseok._

 Something about his words must have made the brown-haired man under him uncomfortable as he tensed up and turned away, nails digging into Hoseok’s back a little.

“I know I shouldn't be doing this. I'm not stupid. But I've also known this over the past month and it didn't change much. Adulting is an illusion, Hoseok, you grow up and think you can control things and make appropriate decisions, but then you turn around and see yourself from five years ago.” His voice sounded rough from sleep, but also emotional, body remaining wrapped around him but eyes avoiding his.

“I don’t know about adulting. I just know about goals. There are certain things I want and I will do everything to reach it. You have no idea how hard I tried to get into acting school. It was easy for some of my friends because they simply went to Germany or the US, but I had to try Vienna because I couldn’t leave. It seems similar with you somehow. You’re dangerous to me and you make me do things I have never done before, but I want you, so I’m trying to not lose my mind on the way while holding you tightly.” A smile lifted his cheeks and he kissed Hyungwon’s red lips, turning to the side and taking the other man along, intertwining their legs and deepening their embrace.

“I'm glad that you could fulfil your dream of getting into acting school. I hope to see you act on stage again,” Hyungwon murmured and buried his face in the crook of his neck. It seemed like the older man wanted to say more, but he didn't, relaxing in his embrace instead.

“Your weaknesses make me want to do something about my own,” he whispered, placing kisses on top of the other man’s hair that smelled so nice that he wanted to bury himself in the strands and never come out. “I’m so hooked on you.”

“What made you realize so suddenly? You- preferred avoidance before,” Hyungwon replied and shifted a little under his breath. There was the faint scent of sweat in the air, accompanied by detergent and a perfume that the older man must have used. It was particularly strong at his neck. “Something suddenly changed your mind.”

“Mhm. You changed my mind. But don’t kid yourself, I’m still avoiding. Namely the thoughts about what my best friend will tell me when I come back in the middle of the day. Because you know who’s scary? Minhyuk. Minhyuk is fucking scary.” He lowered his voice for effect and pulled Hyungwon closer to his body, enjoying how close they were because he knew that it was about to end very soon.

“He's a beanpole with black hair and a pretty, uneven blink that talks more in a minute than I do in a week,” the director murmured and shifted again. Suddenly he wiggled his right foot a little, turning it in circles while still holding onto Hoseok. It must have fallen asleep. “I don't see why he would be scary. He won't break your legs and arms, will he?”

“I’m not afraid of stuff like that. He knows everything about me, every single thing and he will use it to make conclusions, to tell me why I’m fucking nuts and what I should be doing instead of this,” Hoseok muttered and gestured around. “He will know that I like you. He already asked after meeting you at the lake, he knows and he will not let it go because he knows me. I’m- I don’t do things like this, Hyungwon. It’s not me. The red mask and the low voice telling you what to do and saying goodbye without any strings attached. That’s me.”

Hyungwon smiled suddenly, right hand reaching out to cup his face and brush his warm thumb along his cheek. The brown-haired man followed the shape of his cheekbone before leaning in and kissing him sensually.

“There are exceptions to everything, Hoseok,” he whispered and let go, unwrapping himself from Hoseok’s embrace and standing up in all his naked glory. His legs were gorgeous, long and golden and perfectly smooth as he walked towards his desk and grabbed a few papers and arranged them in a stack. Another few were crumpled up and thrown to the ground like many sheets before them.

“If we want to be smart about this we should leave before breakfast ends and everybody starts heading back to their hotel rooms or outside, which happens to be-” Hyungwon glanced at his watch, “in thirty minutes. Let's shower.”

“You- want to shower with me?” he asked, disbelieving that the other man would let him be part of his morning hygiene. “I can shower in my room.”

“Let me ask you an important question, do you want to smell like sex and sweat when you meet your best friend or like flowers and peace?” There was the hint of a grin on the other man's face, one eyebrow lifted up. A few seconds passed until he suddenly bent over to pick up a non-crumpled piece of paper, as if Hoseok needed a full view of what he couldn't have right now.

“I don't know, but I want you,” he murmured, staring at the other man's gorgeous body, trying to remember how it felt around him.

“Now?” There was a hint of surprise in Hyungwon's voice as he placed the sheet on the desk and turned around, eyes jumping from Hoseok’s lips over his naked body and finally to his eyes.

“Yes, but also no.” He must've looked like a pretty pile of confusion. “I don't have my mask,” he murmured and jumped up, sighing at himself. He should've brought it along, but then Minhyuk would've immediately known. On the other hand, not taking it along and staying over night had been more suspicious.

“You're complicated,” the director muttered and shrugged. “For me it's simple, either I want to sit on you, or I don't.” Licking over his lips, the older man made his way to the bathroom and left the door open. The screeching of the shower door followed and the sound of water and a brief hiss entered his ears.

_Can you join him, just like this?_

He stepped closer and peeked around the corner, watching the beautiful brown-haired man shampooing his hair in the huge shower. After a few moments of hesitation he finally decided to walk in.

“Can I join you?” he asked carefully, licking over his lips and attempting to remember any kind of reference to understand whether he was doing okay with all the unfamiliar behaviour. Unfortunately, the only movies he remembered were Hyungwon's and they were full of weirdos doing weird shit.

There was a hum in reply as the beautiful man threw his head back and washed the foamy substance out of his hair, long fingers drawing circles and lips parting a little at how nice it must have felt. Shit. He was so attractive that he felt a pull in his groin, just from watching. He brushed his teeth, thanking the hotel for providing a toothbrush for one-time use and stepped into the shower. The weird part was, that he would've felt absolutely sure if he knew that he was going to touch Hyungwon or get sexually close, but washing was weird. Was he allowed to take the other man's shampoo? What if Hyungwon didn't want to be touched, but they stood so close to each other and they were both naked. He reached for the shower gel that the hotel provided and scrubbed his body furiously.

“You're cute,” Hyungwon remarked before pouring some more shampoo in his palm and using the other hand to pull him further away from the water. He was met with a soft smile and big brown eyes that were focused on his as long fingers sank into his hair and began to massage the shampoo into it. The motions were pleasant and Hyungwon's hands applied just the right amount of pressure. The shampoo had a sweet scent, just like the older man's hair had smelled when they embraced in bed.

“And you're- I don't even know, it's hard to tell,” he murmured, sound covered by the loud noise of water. “Yesterday- when you told me that you don't want the mask, but me, I didn't really understand it. I still don't if I'm honest. I could've brought it and made you fall.”

“No, you couldn't, because it's limited. It's only for a fixed amount of time and that's the difference.” Hyungwon continued to shampoo his hair and stepped a little closer, eyes observing him intently. “When I say that I want you, I don't mean that I want a brief moment of pleasure, Hoseok. That doesn't mean all that much, it can be replaced by any arbitrary pleasurable thing. This though-” Crossing the distance, the brown-haired man kissed his lips and let his hands sink down his back and over his arms. It wasn't sexual, not in the way he did it, but it felt intimate. “This is different and that's what I want. But everybody wants a lot of things, right?” Smiling again, the director washed his hands and grabbed the shower gel, big hands easily distributing the foamy liquid over his long and lean body.

His eyes widened and his mouth parted, releasing a gasp that wasn't audible due to the background noise.

_He doesn't want to sleep with you. He just wants to kiss you and be close._

“I've never met a person who didn't want to sleep with me,” he murmured and let the water run over his head absentmindedly. What did it mean for them? Was it something he was able to do? He didn't know. Sex had been the only thing he was particularly good at and it felt terrifying to know that Hyungwon didn't want it.

“That sounds remarkably confident and I doubt that very much. I'm sure there is a person that doesn't want to sleep with you, Hoseok.” Still smiling, the older man washed off the shower gel and stepped closer again, lean arms wrapping around his neck while water cover their hair and shoulders. “What's the matter? You look so terrified. You're attractive and I'd love to spread my legs for you, but it's not the essence of what I like about you.”

“But what else is there to like? Plus, I said I've never _met_ anyone who didn't want me, not that there is no-one who can resist. Also you don't need to spread them, there are so many nice things one can do without that. I mean you've looked through my videos, you must know.” It was remarkable how fast his confidence returned as soon as he talked about sex.

“Don't use up all the sexual excitement, Hoseok, you won't have any left for your late twenties,” the brown-haired man commented with a grin, unaffected by his confidence and placed a kiss on his lips. “There is a lot to like about you, even if I spent a while ignoring it. You have a breathtaking smile, it was the first thing that got my attention, the reason why I saw Benjamin in you. You're very affectionate, even if you try to be all hot and demanding. I find you remarkably sweet and pleasant to be with and I don't care what your baby boys like about you, they haven't seen enough of you.”

“You know what's funny? That it sounds really nice, but you came to me wearing a mask, Hyungwon. You are probably only like this because I told you that I liked you yesterday, that I wanted to be next to you independent of my mask. You stood behind my door and I almost lost my shit but you pulled out the mask and I knew oh so well what it was about. You can't fool me.” Smiling briefly, he sighed. Hyungwon's expression changed immediately, eyes darkening before the taller man grabbed his shoulders and pushed him against a wall, lips trembling a little.

“I'm not fooling you, Hoseok, I am abandoning a lie that I was hiding behind. Listen carefully because I doubt that I am ever going to find the will and situation to say this again.” Hyungwon inhaled sharply but kept his big eyes focused on his. “I came to you with the mask because I couldn't take it anymore, I dreamt of you, thought of you, watched you during filming. I'm very good at keeping myself as far away from other people as possible, but with you it was so easy to separate it, to say that it wasn't you, that it was the mask. You fascinated me on the day we met, Hoseok, not sexually, that didn't matter back then, you were interesting and pleasant to be around. You didn't make fun of me getting lost and you listened to whatever I had to say, honestly admitting what you were feeling. Nobody does that, do you hear me? Nobody. People hide and if they find a way to hide something about themselves they will to do it, without even batting an eye.” The fingers around his shoulders got tighter, slim body shaking in front of him. “It's about my denial and not about wanting the mask. The mask was the excuse to be close, the sexual part that played into my fascination with you, it was consistent with the second part I saw, the opposite of the innocence you carried around but didn't really show. I stayed away from it, but you made me want to see it. Do you understand? I came to you to see it and to pretend that the mask was the only thing I wanted to see. That image broke when we kissed at the museum. It was over then and I tried to separate, to allow myself the sexual, but nothing else. I still think the same. Humans continuously want a lot of things, but it doesn't have to mean anything.” The brown-haired man swallowed and loosened the grip on his shoulders, left hand shaking as it reached for the tap and turned it off.

“I apologise, that was probably too much irrelevant information for you. You made me let go of my concerns too much.” Chewing on his cheek, Hyungwon opened the shower door and grabbed a towel before stepping out. It was scary to see how his hands were shaking as he attempted to dry himself. Sucking in a deep breath, Hoseok stepped out and curled his arms around Hyungwon's waist, pressing his chest against the other man's warm back and exhaled against his neck.

“Why would you apologize, Hyungwon? I'm sorry for misunderstanding you, I just really like you and you make running away so so so hard for me because there's nothing that I want more than being close to you and listening to what you have to say. I love watching you while you monitor the scenes, I imagine what you must see on the screen and try to fit your facial expressions to it, giving myself feedback on whether I've done well. I like how you sometimes show your insecurities before disappearing in the world of your selfmade preconceptions and coping strategies. I like how emotional you were just now, showing me that I've been wrong, but I guess it's more about the way I see myself and not how you see me.”

There was a slow intake of breath as Hyungwon froze in place and clenched his fists, visibly fighting with something.

“I hate being emotional, it's what ruined me,” he whispered and leaned his head back, resting against Hoseok’s shoulder.

_It ruined him?_

“Why?” he asked and tightened his embrace, exhaling next to Hyungwon's pretty ear. “There's no point in anything if there no emotion. Why would you bother if it's not what makes you feel alive?”

“It also happens to hurt like a bitch,” was the quiet reply as Hyungwon sucked in a deep breath and held the air in his lungs for a few moments. “If you make me cry I'll chop your dick off, Lee Hoseok.”

“I'm not scared of stuff like this. I think you're beautiful when you cry. Next time I'll make sure to call you over when I cry under my blanket, so you can watch me being miserable too. There are a lot of things that can hurt. You can always cry and I will always kiss every tear because it's the most precious to me. Because it means that you feel. Just like I do,” he murmured, overwhelmed at the intimacy they shared. He wasn't used to it, not at all.

But it felt right.

_

Minhyuk sat on top of the bed, legs and arms crossed. His eyes were narrowed and he simply stared without saying a word.

“Oh, you're awake,” he muttered, not knowing what else to say. His best friend huffed in reply, showing everything on his face.

“What? ‘Oh you're awake?’ Are you fucking kidding me, Lee Hoseok? Where have you been?” Tilting his head to the side, Minhyuk waited for a few seconds before pulling his lips into a thin line. “Don't you dare lie to me. Where have you been? Your mask is here, but you look freshly showered. You couldn't have showered here, I would've heard, so you must've been at someone else's place.” The black eyes narrowed and the black-haired man crawled towards him like in a horror movie.

“I- was in Hyungwon's room.” He stepped back and swallowed. “But it's not what you think.” Waiting for a few moments, he watched Minhyuk intently. “What do you think?”

“So my feeling was right. I mean, everybody is like this after watching your videos, but he gave you presents and was so fucking eager casting you. And then there's the way he looks at you. I understand everything, but what about your mask? Did you talk and hold hands, or what? I would believe you, but you showered.” Minhyuk was like one of those buzzfeed unsolved dudes. It was scary.

“It's- I like him,” he whispered, removing his gaze because he couldn't handle the intensity and the look in his best friend's eyes.

“You do? Don't, Hoseok, just don't. You'll get hurt. He's way older than you, he's just here for filming and he'll be gone in a few months. He'll create chaos out of what you know, will make you drop the things you were sure you wanted and disappear leaving gaping emptiness behind. Just don't. You panic as soon as someone wants to get close, so why don't you do it now? Now is the perfect time, Hoseok.”

The words were so painful that he had to hold the air in his lungs for a few moments, feeling overwhelmed by being confronted with all those things he didn't want to think about.

“But- do I have to keep being like this only because I've been like this forever? What if I don't want to? What if I want something else?” His voice was barely a whisper as his eyes filled with tears, mirroring his unstable mental state.

“Humans continuously want a lot of things, but it doesn't have to mean anything,” Minhyuk said, words echoing in Hyungwon's voice inside his head and making him want to close his ears.

“It does. It does mean something,” he replied and left the room, wiping the tears that streamed down his face.


	13. 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You need to save me to have me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 29th of April at 2 PM CET.  
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Once he was alone the sheer extent of his stupidity began to take form, materializing next to him like a much smarter version of himself. It was shaking its head in disapproval and pursing its lips.

Hyungwon had sacrificed his determination and pain-free existence by throwing his concerns out of the hotel window and pretending that he could act the way he wanted with Hoseok, that he could be nonchalant and free without half of the world holding it against him later.

His hands were shaking a little, still remembering how Hoseok’s fingers had fit in between the spaces and how good it felt. Only now that he was alone did he realize how painfully familiar the situation had been, sleeping in a hotel room, kissing like it was nothing and showering together while sharing intimate moments of affection.

_You've done it before Hyungwon and you promised that you wouldn't anymore. What are you even doing?_

It was too late now. Hoseok had realised his feelings, both of them had acted on them once. Hyungwon wasn't stupid to believe that they wouldn't anymore, it was naive and spoke of little experience. Even Minhyuk with his intimidating and dominant character wouldn't be able to keep Hoseok from being close. Once there was the yearning towards something and once there was the knowledge of what having it felt like, there was no turning back.

_There is no turning back for you either._

Hyungwon groaned in frustration and grabbed a random crumpled-up page before ripping it into tiny little shreds. The tear was loud, probably audible through the thin walls, but he didn't care. There was nothing else he could do to get over his desperation and inevitable infatuation, only paper and the proof of his dying creativity. He had to continue filming and focus on Benjamin and Marie, on the way the village helped him to show the boy's insecurities and his denial of what happened in the house. There were so many things he had planned, but his mind was circling around his main actor and the fact that his current feelings had no future. Everybody knew that the feelings had no future, but feelings were ignorant, they didn't care.

His hands reached out and grabbed another page, ripping it to pieces that fell on the wooden floor like snowflakes. They looked much prettier like this, representing innocence and levity instead of the death of creative genius. He could see the scene in his mind, starting with a single piece that flew through the air, like a feather until it became more and more, falling quicker and en masse until it was enough to bury, to cover everything that might have been there in the first place.

Hyungwon had made movies to finally grant death to a lot of things, but it had never worked with his feelings. They liked to stay like an old foe, smiling when he opened the door, but ready to stab a knife into his chest once he got close enough.

_

If there was something that Hyungwon had learned, then it was to calm down and be the personification of control as soon as he stepped out of his room, out into the world where other people could see him, take pictures and draw conclusions.

Once the door handle gave in under the pressure of his hand, he was prepared, prepared for everything, be it a random person, an earthquake, a crew member or Lee Hoseok in all his beautiful glory. The door gave in to the strength he applied and he stepped out, dressed in suit pants and a white shirt in case somebody saw him. He wasn't alone in his room and he wasn't going to hike, so formal wear it was.

When his eyes fell on the empty hallway, there was no relief. He didn't care whether there was somebody or not, his goal was to take a walk along the lake as he did every day and think about the scenes that still needed to be filmed. The end of the movie was steadily coming closer and Hyungwon needed to make sure that he was absolutely satisfied with everything. A single scene that needed to be refilmed could cost them another two weeks, not to mention the money.

A small motion at the other end of the hallway caught his attention. It was somebody leaving their room, closing the door with a surprisingly rough motion and running to the right, in his direction without really looking where they were going. Only when the broad figure stepped closer and Hyungwon finally allowed himself to give them a proper glance, he recognised the red-haired man. How he hadn't been able to tell from the hair at first glance could only be explained by his lack of attention, focusing on other things on purpose.

_You can deal with meeting him, you prepared for this._

He had prepared, but not for the sight that he encountered as soon as Hoseok was only a few meters away, thick tears rolling down his cheeks and over his quivering lips. He looked devastated.

Hyungwon's resolve cracked immediately, tense body stature falling apart and hands reaching out to stop the red-haired man by holding onto his upper arms.

“Hoseok? What- what happened?”

“Huh? It's- nothing much. Just my best friend hurting my feelings,” the beautiful man muttered and rubbed his palms over his face. “Are you going somewhere? For a walk?”

“Y-yeah, let's go together, I can show you a few really beautiful spots. Maybe-” Hyungwon swallowed to not pour out everything he thought and felt like a lake without a bottom. “Maybe it will help you to focus on- on something else.” He had wanted to be professional and tell the red-haired man that he could think about his character and portray him better, but he didn't in the end. He didn't want to hurt Hoseok more.

“Yeah. Let's go.” Plastering a cheerful smile on his face that didn't jibe with the wet trails on his cheeks and puffy eyes, Hoseok followed him along the hallway, hands buried inside his pockets. The temptation to reach out and rub the tears from the younger man's face was there, but Hyungwon resisted and clenched his hands into fists instead, staring ahead to manoeuvre down the stairs properly and get as far away from the hotel as possible. He hadn't cared about meeting anybody before, but now he really didn't want to, not with Hoseok next to him, crying.

_They'll think you told him something nasty._

“Do you want a coffee for the way? You can go ahead and I'll pop by the vending machine real quick. We didn't have breakfast either.”

“Ah, right. Sure, I'll wait on the bench outside.” Hoseok smiled again and walked out. Hyungwon smiled back, automatically and without checking with his brain first if it was okay. He turned around and hurried to get the coffee, but it had already happened, the smile, a sign that he stopped being careful.

_Whatever is happening between the two of you should remain between the two of you though._

Once he reached the old but clean coffee machine, he waited for the short man in front of him to get a cappuccino before choosing a cappuccino himself, long index finger pressing the button.

“Since when do you drink cappuccino?” A familiar voice next to him asked and Hyungwon almost snapped his neck with how quickly he turned around. His eyes met dark hair and Kihyun's face, lips pulled in a small triumphant smile as if his long time friend had discovered something remarkable he couldn't wait to share.

“It's not for me,” he replied carefully and watched the way the triumphant smile turned into a grin.

“That's awesome, who is it then? You don't even get me coffee unless I ask you to,” his friend asked while Hyungwon made sure to press the espresso button, twice.

“I'm currently working something out with Hoseok, I hope it'll make the future scenes easier for him.” His answer sounded like he was talking about filming, but it could also be interpreted differently, which meant that he wasn't lying, not really.

“I'm surprised you are taking time out of your free day. Usually you would take a walk all on your own and think about life.” Kihyun hit right where it hurt of course, reminding Hyungwon of the way he had changed his habits already and how he had started to integrate Hoseok into his rather rigid routines. It was already messy and it was only going to get worse.

“I will think about life, just about somebody else's, it'll be Benjamin's or Marie's,” Hyungwon muttered in reply and grabbed both coffees, ready to leave as quickly as possible. His feet had already carried him to the exit of the cafeteria area when his friend’s reply entered his ears.

“We both know that your movies are never about somebody else, Hyungwon.”

He ignored it and hurried out the door of the pension, steps quick and heartbeat hammering in his chest. The conversation was uncomfortable and Hyungwon was glad to have escaped it. He didn't want to think about it now, neither what he was running away from nor what he would have to face eventually. Right now he was going to take a walk with Hoseok and show him pretty places, hopefully cheering him up in the process.

Once he walked through the wide double doors, his eyes settled on Hoseok’s bright red hair. Unexpectedly it was intermingled with bright blonde hair that partially covered his shoulder and hid his face. Hyungwon knew the curved body of the woman in front of him, he had observed her often enough to recognize her in any attire, even loose jeans and a blouse.

Marlene had her arms tightly wrapped around Hoseok’s neck and was whispering something in his ear. A spark of anger fumed in Hyungwon's chest, not because he believed that there was something going on between the two. He knew that it was ridiculous and for that, Marlene didn't show enough interest. It also wasn't about suspecting provocation or feeling excluded.

_It's much simpler than that._

Hyungwon simply hated that he couldn't have done the same, not without worrying about the crew talking, speculating about their private life, somebody taking a picture and then when the time was right all of it was going to bite him in the ass. Marlene had no such worries, being married and affectionate and having embraced so many people in public that the media simply didn't care anymore.

Stepping closer to the two of them, Hyungwon observed the embrace, looked at the way Hoseok wrapped his muscular arms around the short woman. Would it have been the same if they had hugged in private? In Hyungwon's room, or Hoseok’s? Would it have been comparable or would there be differences in closeness, in expressions, in motions? There was no way to find out.

“I got the coffee,” he commented and held the cup with cappuccino closer towards his two actors. For a brief moment he thought about going somewhere else and pretending that he had other plans, but his professional reply that he had given Kihyun would have become a lie then.

“Are you torturing him, director? He seems to be having a really hard time,” Marlene remarked and pursed her lips as she looked at him. It offended him a little that she thought of him as somebody who made other people cry.

“No- it's not him,” was Hoseok's quick reply as the black eyes met his gaze. “Thank you so much, you even got a cappuccino.”

“Because you like cappuccinos, don't you?” Hyungwon replied, a little confused why it would be that surprising until he remembered that he rarely acted on his knowledge of other people's favourite things. Unless he wanted to fascinate them for his movies that is, he could get really creative then.

The blonde woman was looking at him with surprise, both eyebrows raised and Hyungwon felt the sudden need to clarify the situation.

“I'm glad that you care about him, but so do I. We wanted to get a little bit of fresh air and talk,” he explained to Marlene and hoped that she got the point and left them alone, preferably without additional questions.

“Will you be okay, Hoseok? You don't have to talk about work on your free day, you can do whatever you like, you know that, right?” The blonde woman was obviously very concerned about Hoseok as she didn't let go of him and squeezed his shoulder. It made Hyungwon want to peel her fingers off one by one. He was ruthless when he was emotional and his state was already pretty bad.

“I know. I will be fine. Thank you so much for listening. I'll come over in the evening as promised.” The red-haired man smiled and took Marlene’s equally pale hand, squeezing it a little. The sight reminded him of movies in which the main character had to leave for a long time, either moving away or going to war and said farewell to a sister. Hyungwon couldn't quite tell if the association made him feel better about the situation or not.

Hoseok stood up from the bench and turned to him, taking his cappuccino out of his hand and smiling. “Thank you. Really.”

He smiled back and immediately walked towards the lake, making sure to put enough distance between them and the actress. He wanted more privacy before asking his next question.

“Why… are you going to her room? Won't people talk? After all you have filmed very intimate scenes together,” he commented and pulled his lips together. He didn't care whether it resembled a pout or not, it helped to occupy him with something while mentally stomping on his desire to see the red-haired man all the time.

“To talk. And probably drink wine. Minhyuk will go back before dinner, so it's a nice way to not cry myself to sleep, I guess. But maybe I also got used to it, who knows?” Hoseok watched his own feet, stepping over the warm concrete and put both hands in the pockets of his jeans. It looked comfortable.

_His homesickness must be crippling._

“Humans can get used to a lot of things, but- I don't think that crying yourself to sleep should be one of those. It's… it's great that you distract yourself from it by doing something else. I'm sure that it will help.” He hummed to add emphasis to his words and also stared at his feet, taking a sip from his double espresso once in a while and cringing at the bitterness. It was quiet between them, unlike their behaviour in the privacy of a hotel room which was completely different. Hyungwon couldn't really put a name to it, not really. Instead he listened to the sounds of their steps and how they created a rhythm, beautiful enough for a melody. He could imagine the scene, starting with a wide shot and the sound of feet before he would show their steps, moving in unison.

When the silence stretched and they had left most of civilisation behind them, Hyungwon finally dared to address the reason the younger man had cried.

“Would you… like to talk about why you were upset? If not, I can of course also tell you why I chose this village and how to film a lake in such a way that it looks gloomy, but also like you need to throw yourself into it.”

“I can tell you, if you want to know. My best friend has views that are similar to yours. He thinks I'm the person with the mask, not wanting to get close to anyone and that it can't change just because I want to.” Hoseok continued walking, gaze resting on the calm waters of the lake. “But he's wrong.”

“We don't have the same views,” Hyungwon remarked and pursed his lips. The red-haired man must have misunderstood him. Hoseok’s behaviours weren't set in stone and he was free to do whatever he liked, it was merely himself that he restrained. “I don't see you as the person with the mask. You can be anything and everything that you want to be and of course you can change. I merely said that the wishes and desires I have towards you don't mean that both of us have to break our previous lives to pieces.”

“What kinds of wishes and desires do you have that would break your life into pieces? I'm doubting that you want to star in one of my videos.” Hoseok grinned and brushed over the back of his hand while they walked, reminding him of how hot the other man's body was.

Hyungwon chuckled at that, amused that starring in a video with a mask might break his life to pieces. It would only matter in the context of the red-haired man. He wasn't relevant enough for people to think about and be obsessed with, at least not on his own.

“You want me to?” he asked with a laugh to distract from the fact that it was about his infatuation with Hoseok and not starring in a porn video.

“I did want to film you, but I know that it's a bad idea because I would be watching it on repeat and wouldn't do anything else.” Chuckling, the red-haired man leaned in and pushed him a little with his muscular shoulder.

Hyungwon flew to the side and couldn't contain the anger at being such a lightweight. Pursing his lips, he slapped the younger man's muscular shoulder, as if that won him the argument.

“I'm honoured you like me that much,” he commented eventually and sucked his lips into his mouth, hiding them and the obvious smile that developed.

The lake was even more gorgeous than the days before, a vibrant light blue mixed with green and shimmering in the bright sun. Not a single cloud was covering the sky. It could have been a perfect day for filming, but somehow Hyungwon was also glad that it wasn't.

_Successfully avoided talking about your feelings. Admirable, Hyungwon._

“You sound like a primary school teacher reacting to his pupil's confession.” The black eyes settled on him and watched him intently as Hoseok seemed to walk even closer to him. Hyungwon swallowed at the proximity, feeling like the younger man wanted to pinch him where it hurt the most, find his weakness and poke it until he admitted that he wasn't nonchalant.

_But you also don't mind admitting it, so why are you pretending so much?_

“I'm just trying to be careful, to not make any hasty decisions,” he murmured in reply and glanced at the other man, meeting his almost black eyes before he returned his gaze to the lake. “I'm sorry that your friend hurt you. Was he upset because you came to my room and stayed with me? He probably thought it was a bad decision, didn't he?”

“What hasty decisions? Aren't you thinking too much about this? Minhyuk was upset because I'm acting differently from what he's used to. And he wants to protect me. Always.” A smile settled over Hoseok's face before it disappeared again. “He said you'll burn everything down and leave.”

“Ouch.”

Hyungwon didn't know why he said it, it wasn't too far from the truth when it came to the red-haired man's perspective. He was in Austria to film a movie. Once he was done with filming, there was going to be post production and he could go wherever he wanted in the meantime. He could explore Europe, look for a new place to film his next idea. There was no way that he would stay in Austria because he liked somebody.

_And after what happened before, burning everything down sounds just like you._

He had literally burned all of his belongings like a crazy person before leaving the US. It was unfair towards Hoseok to pretend that everything was fine and they could have walks along the lake all the time, that them wanting to be together had no consequences or that nobody would get hurt. Everybody was going to get hurt, it was too late for anything else.

_You need to make sure that you don't do the same thing all over again, Hyungwon. Don't be an emotional mess. Nobody wants that._

“He's thinking ahead, your friend. I'm here to film a movie and you're studying for the next few years, aren't you? How likely is it that we will be able to meet after this movie is finished? I don't have a job that requires me to stay in one place, but you do. He's right, isn't he?”

“So you’re saying the fact that I will have to stay here means that you will burn everything down and leave? It sounds way too deterministic, doesn’t it? As if there is nothing you can do. That's bullshit. I want to study, but I film a movie instead. I want to be in Vienna, but I’m here instead. I want to film videos with submissive baby boys, but I’m liking you instead, even though you’re telling me that Minhyuk is right. Don’t you think that it’s a cowardly thing to do and say? ‘There are repercussions and it’s difficult, so the only way out is to hurt each other pointlessly and carry on with the shit one has been doing before.’ You’re wrong.” Hoseok spoke fast, low voice getting higher at times when something had emotional importance for the red-haired man.

Hyungwon listened, nodding once in a while to show that he understood. It sounded easy when Hoseok put it the way he did, like the current changes were something they could adjust to easily. As if a person like Hoseok, who cried because he wasn’t home and couldn’t get used to the village even though they had already been there for three weeks, could simply leave Vienna because of liking somebody. It was unrealistic and Hyungwon had been sufficiently naive and unrealistic over the years to last him several lifetimes.

“It’s too late to pretend that there isn’t anything. There obviously is. Look at us, taking a walk and keeping the least possible distance between our arms and shoulders because actually we want to touch, be it holding hands or squeezing that stupid, muscular shoulder of yours. What I mean is that we should be prepared for it to hurt, be it once we are back in Vienna, when the movie ends or even several months after that when I leave Austria for good.”

“Let’s see. I’m not fond of making groundless assumptions. Maybe you will use me as an inspiration, think about the time we had together and make another movie and I’ll sit in my apartment that I’ve had since forever and watch it, thinking about you and where you might be, how you might look and what you might think. Do you like the prospect? That is probably the way you’ve dealt with it until now. After watching all of your movies it seems to me as if you prefer to deal with heartbreak through art. But who am I to tell? I’m just a delivery boy who caught your interest and got cast.” A glimpse at the other man’s face revealed that Hoseok was acting, thoroughly into his role of the cheerful boy who Hyungwon had met on set a few months ago, not burdened by feelings or the knowledge that they would change him.

It started slowly, hands trembling a little as his mind processed the words, showed him the similarities to what Kihyun had said only moments ago. Hyungwon knew, of course he knew, he reflected on his actions a lot, on the themes he portrayed, the thoughts he showed and the memories he incorporated into his movies. Most of it were chunks of him, the person he tried to forget and others he met or that had played a major or minor role in his life. He knew all that, but the way Hoseok said it, turning it melancholic and meaningless, hurt. It hurt a lot, burning his nose and his eyes and forcing him to gasp at the sudden well of emotions and tears that bubbled up from the depths of his consciousness. It reminded him of the way he had felt back then, sitting in an empty apartment and watching the movie that had given him fame, starring the one person he hoped to never meet or think of again. He had achieved the first, but never the second.

“I want to slap you,” he whispered and swallowed down another wave of tears, streaming down his face without anything holding them, neither his will, nor the fact that he was outside, visible to the whole world if it wanted to see.

“You do? You can slap me, if it makes you feel better.” Hoseok turned and watched his tears run down his face, as if it was impressive. “Are you- used to people who agree with you burning everything down and leaving them? Did you expect me to say ‘okay, sure, please make me like you more with every passing second while knowing that you think about the end, even though it didn’t even start yet. Please step on my affection and on my attraction towards you while you think about how you can deal with your own pain through art.’? Hurting someone is a choice, Hyungwon. You want to hurt yourself? You want to hurt me? Fine then, let’s do it. Let’s get hurt, I’m not scared,” Hoseok whispered and grabbed him by the waist, pulling him flush against his muscular body before attaching his hot lips to his own. He could taste his own tears, warm and salty, mixed with Hoseok’s distinct taste.

It was terrifying, the fact that they were outside, that everybody could see, that Hoseok was so affectionate even though only moments ago he had been just as careful about showing their complicated relationship to the outside. Hyungwon didn’t understand the red-haired man, not at all. He wanted to escape the embrace, but he couldn’t, only sparking his anger at himself and his own dependency. The kiss felt like fireworks in his stomach, exploding and making him step further into the depths of his desires and uncontrollable yearning towards the man standing in front of him.

“I’ve never left anybody, Hoseok,” he forced out of his lungs and and hit his curled up fist against Hoseok’s chest in frustration. There was no effect, not with how tightly the red-haired man held on to him and how much more sturdy he was, barely affected by Hyungwon’s strength. “I’ve- I’ve been trying to spare both of us. How can you be sure that you have an accurate picture of me? That you really want me? Maybe it is something that I represent, the way I act, something that you caught a glimpse of, but that actually doesn’t really matter? I- I struggle to let go, Hoseok, but you- you never really get close in the first place, do you? You have so much time to deal with your emotions and to forget about me and whatever it is you see in me. For me it’s-” He swallowed again as his brain supplied him with memories, with images of objects breaking or a letter burning, moments he had incorporated into his films in the hope that they would exist outside of his mind and therefore cease to be inside of it. “For me it’s thoughts and memories that never let me go.”

Hoseok stayed close, curved lips touching his and black eyes watching him intently.

“When I listen to you, it almost seems as if you don’t want me to want you. That you don’t want me to like you and to get to know you. As if you prefer to stay as far away as possible from me. Yes, I don’t get close. Not in general. But I want to get close to you, closer- even closer than this, show me all your weaknesses,” the red-haired man whispered against his lips before kissing them again, soft warmth enveloping his mouth and melting him into the other man’s hot body.

_He can see through you, much better than anybody else can. He doesn’t believe your distance, your cold gazes and your emotionless face. He believes none of it, Hyungwon._

“I hate you and the way you break down my walls,” Hyungwon whispered back, but his body said something else, hands carefully resting on Hoseok’s shoulders and lips parting to accept the kiss and to return the tender touches. His heart was furiously pumping blood through his veins, making him dizzy from the adrenaline and excitement. “I fear that if- if you get even closer I might break.”

“I’ll keep you safe. I know that I’m not the prototype of a strong person and I’m not attempting to be one. But I will always be honest with you and I will be there for you as long as you don’t make me feel as if I should be ashamed for being weak. I want to get close to you to hold you, to kiss you and to make you feel safe, not to see through your weaknesses and use them to make you miserable. I’m not that kind of person, Hyungwon. I’m a person who creates a safe space for others to let go.” Hoseok was holding him tightly, body heat transferring through their clothes easily and lips attaching to his own in between the other man’s words.

“Then- why are you holding me here? I can’t resist you, Hoseok, but you should know that it’s not a safe space, not here,” he murmured and hid his face by curling his spine and pressing his forehead into Hoseok’s shoulder. His body was burning like the tears that still stained his cheeks. He hated it, he hated crying and he hated the feeling of losing control. “Tell me one thing. How many of the people that you have cared about throughout your life do you still care about? It’s not many is it? How can you promise to always be there then?”

“I’m holding you here because I feel that it’s something you need, and I don’t give a single shit about where we are or who is watching. If you need me close, I’ll be close.” A sigh left the other man’s lips and he leaned back a little, stroking over his hair. “I can’t promise anything. Just like you can’t. But how can you say that you’ll burn everything down and leave then? It’s the same. You don’t know, but you act as if it’s carved into stone. It’s not.”

Hyungwon didn’t look up, unsure about what to say to that. It seemed like common sense to him. His job consisted of moving from one country to the next and Hoseok still had several years to finish acting school. Even when the red-haired man finished there was no guarantee that he would be willing to leave the country and act somewhere else. There were only open questions and the conclusion that it couldn’t work was apparent to him.

_But you only don’t stay in one place because you don’t want to create more memories. That’s why you left the US, to never return._

“You might be right, but by holding me you only increase the likelihood,” he murmured and stepped out of Hoseok’s embrace, flat palms applying pressure to the younger man’s chest to be let go. Hyungwon remembered the attention, the way the media had been eating him with their narrowed eyes, watching his every move and word. If there was attention, then he had to leave. “You should be famous for your acting and not for embracing the director of the movie you are starring in.” He smiled a little and used the back of his right hand to wipe the tears off his face. He probably looked like a primary school kid, face and eyes puffy and dressed in a suit to look like an adult.

“Tell me, Hoseok, what do you propose? What do you want us to do?”

“What do you want from me, Hyungwon? You said it’s not the mask, so what is it?” The black eyes looked intimidating, but Hoseok respected his distance, staying still and watching him instead of acting.

_Tell him if he wants to know. There are two people involved, the decision isn’t only yours._

“You like Tarkovsky, don’t you?” Hyungwon asked and licked his lips. He felt sure that he would regret his next words, but Hoseok had spoken of honesty and if that was what the red-haired man wanted to hear, then he was going to have it. Regret had already fallen on them like summer rain on the day Hyungwon had decided to act on his infatuation for the first time. “Let me speak in his words for you. ‘A declaration of love: the consciousness of our dependence on each other. A confession. An unconscious act that none the less reflects the true meaning of life—love and sacrifice.’”

_You could have said ‘you’._

After all that was what he wanted, the red-haired man with all his facets and peculiarities.

***

 

_‘What nobody seems to understand is that love can only be one-sided, that no other love exists, that in any other form it is not love. If it involves less than total giving, it is not love. It is impotent; for the moment it is nothing.’_

He must have forgotten Tarkovsky’s words that mattered so much to him, that formed his worldview and that he had used as an excuse to not get close to others, because it didn’t matter. Hoseok always thought that he could love without the other person noticing, without forming a connection and without interaction. He thought that he could love by himself, giving everything and not care about the fact that it was one-sided. He thought that the other person didn’t need to know about his feelings, about the love. He wanted to love silently, without consequences, peacefully.

_He won’t let you, will he?_

It wasn’t even about Hyungwon letting or not letting him deal with his feelings. It was Hyungwon using the way Tarkovsky talked about art to tell him about his affection that made him understand the depth and the heaviness of the other man’s confession. There was no way to ignore it, it kept circling inside his head, not letting him sleep.

_Love. He talked about love._

Hoseok had only talked about love openly when it was about acting, about his love for the stage, for the process of showing a side of him no-one was able to see. It had always been a confession of his love for art but never for a person. He didn’t know if the director loved him, he also didn’t know whether it was love that he was feeling, but the wave of warmth that rushed through his body after the other man’s words had been enough to know that whatever it was between them, it must’ve been something they shared. Something intense. Something impossible to ignore.

Minhyuk had left after apologizing for his harsh manner of speaking, but not apologizing for the content and leaving him a box of sweets and three condoms for ‘fun’. He had also spent one evening at Marlene’s room, talking to the older woman about acting, about marriage, intimacy and being on the road a lot. He couldn’t understand how the director was able to travel around all the time without having a base, something that always stayed the same, even though it might have been the other man’s thoughts and memories he had talked about.

_He said they don’t leave. They stay and make him miserable._

His homesickness got better too, probably because they had already been there for weeks and now it was time to prepare to leave the small village. The human mind was impressive. One day he felt like dying, struck down with an unbearable feeling of loneliness; but on the next, he could film easily. It helped that now he could concentrate on Hyungwon’s brown eyes and recognize the emotion he learned to see in the micromovements of the other man’s face. In addition to the hesitation the director showed as soon as their eyes met.

_He’s still doubtful, isn’t he?_

He thought about it a lot. About his own view on love, how he thought that he didn’t need anybody to love him back, how it had been sufficient to get the physical contact at most, holding back his feelings and pouring them into acting instead. Honestly speaking it had been similar to the way Hyungwon handled it, just that the director had gotten hurt in the process.

_Did you get hurt?_

Living hurt, so it wasn’t different from the things Hoseok usually had to deal with. It was part of his routine. Like brushing his hair.

‘Can I visit?’ he had asked after taking a shower and dressing in a black shirt and black jeans. It was late, but they hadn’t been able to talk during filming and it was the last day before going back. Something told him that there would be a change as soon as they returned, he was scared that Hyungwon would increase the distance again, turning back into a person that preferred not to show what’s inside.

A simple ‘Yes’ was the other man’s brief answer and he took his keycard, making sure that nobody saw him as he walked to the familiar door quickly, knocking a few times. It opened immediately, fast enough to create a breeze that lifted up his bangs.

“Come in,” Hyungwon murmured and stepped to the side. The older man hadn’t styled up his bangs, forehead occluded and making him look younger. He wasn’t wearing the suit either, he must have abandoned it with everything else as soon as he was in for the night. Hyungwon’s chest was covered by a simple black t-shirt and Hoseok could see a little bit of his thighs and calves through the rips in his worn, dark-blue jeans. It felt like the director turned into a different person as soon as he left work, softer and- more vulnerable somehow.

“I don’t have anything to drink because I drank everything,” he murmured and stepped into the room before closing the door behind himself. “I wanted to see you, before we go back.”

“I wanted to see you too,” Hyungwon replied calmly before crossing the room towards his mini bar and opening it. “Wine?” the brown-haired man asked and pulled out a bottle of white wine. “Unless it is for the best that there is nothing left for you to drink. Do you need it, or are you fine being in my presence without it?”

“Need? You think I need to drink when I’m next to you? You’re blurring my senses enough, I don’t need anything to drink, Hyungwon. I just mentioned it because it's polite to bring something.” Shrugging, he walked further into the room and sat down on the edge of the bed.

“Well, the first time you came here I assumed that you needed alcohol to have the courage, but I might have been mistaken. Was it to bear the homesickness?” There was a hint of concern on Hyungwon’s face as he returned the bottle to the mini bar and stood up, leaning against the counter. The way the light fell on his hair showed that it was a little damp. “First I thought that- with the alcohol even I become somebody that can make you feel better. But you said that I am not familiar, so I don’t know why I made that conclusion. I apologize.”

_He keeps misunderstanding you. You have to make it clear._

“You can’t be familiar to me because familiarity means automatisms, reflexive responses without much thought, no worries and no unusual feelings. How could I say all those things about you? You are creating a mess out of my thoughts and my feelings, you’re triggering responses I’m not used to and are overwhelming me with all kinds of sensations due to your mere presence. You’re not familiar and my feelings towards you are not familiar to me either. My whole life is about familiarity, things I know, things that make me feel safe and at home. You’re not. You’re everything but what my life has been about until now.” Licking over his lips he stared at the beautiful brown-haired man and the way he held himself. It was impressive how different they were around each other when they didn’t touch, didn’t let their bodies speak without any further thought, it almost seemed fake.

“For me familiarity is safety. It’s a place where I know I can do whatever I please without repercussions. It sounds similar, but at the same time slightly different from your definition. It might be overwhelming and trust me, it feels the same to me, but I told you before that something about you… makes me let go, be it my emotions, my hesitation or something as embarrassing as my tears.” Hyungwon licked over his lips and glanced the the side, right palm stroking over the surface of the counter he was sitting on. The brown-haired man sighed and pulled his body up, crossing his legs. “I am still glad that you came to me, be it the last two times or now.”

“You look gorgeous when you cry,” he murmured and reached for his hair, ruffling it up and remembering that Hyungwon knew about all his nervous gestures.

“You look gorgeous when you're nervous and ruffle up your hair,” the low voice replied and a bright smile developed on Hyungwon's face. It looked genuine.

“It’s because you make me nervous. Always.” He smiled back and looked away while chewing on his lips, one of his other nervous gestures. It was one that the two of them had in common. “Did you manage to get everything you wanted from this trip?” he asked and leaned back on his elbows.

“The things I wanted and partially the things I dreamed about,” Hyungwon whispered and looked away again, hands fumbling with his jeans.

“Tell me about those things you dreamt about?” Hoseok sat up again and watched the gorgeous man and his nervous gestures. It was so hard to get anything personal from Hyungwon, but he wasn’t someone who gave up easily.

“They mostly involve you,” the brown-haired man replied, feeding him with breadcrumbs while keeping the five-course meal to himself.

_It's a game, isn't it?_

“Want me to pull it out of your pretty mouth?” He leaned forward, placing his elbows on top of his thighs and staring at the other man's gorgeous features.

His comment must have amused Hyungwon as the older man grinned, keeping his legs crossed and lifting one eyebrow in question.

“And how do you plan on doing that?” he asked, tone playful.

“Ah, you're too calm for my taste. Too bad I don't have my mask, although…,” he started and stood up, stepping closer to Hyungwon, one hand brushing his red bangs back and eyes focused on Hyungwon's.

_God, you suck without it, don't you?_

The other man's face told him something else, eyes widening a little and strength with which Hyungwon kept his legs crossed increasing. The older man's knuckles were turning white from holding onto the desk, only because Hoseok had stepped closer. The behaviour seemed even more affected and less playful than Hyungwon had been with a mask.

“You don't need it,” the brown-haired man whispered.

_You don't?_

Smiling shyly, he licked over his lips, getting drunk on Hyungwon's reaction and mixing his nervous gestures with confidence. As soon as he stood in front of the beautiful man, Hoseok let the fingers of his right hand walk from Hyungwon's knee upwards, leaning in and locking their gazes.

“Ah, I'm so inexperienced in this,” he whispered and there was some truth to it even though he smirked.

“You could let me lead you,” Hyungwon muttered and curled his fingers around his chin, pulling him closer towards his face, legs uncrossing. One of the brown-haired man's gorgeous calves wrapped around his hips, pulling him even closer. “I could lead you inside my body.”

_What kind of actor are you, Hoseok, if you can't even imagine wearing the stupid mask?_

“You could? You really don't want to tell me what you dreamed about?” he asked and stepped between Hyungwon's legs, hips fitting perfectly in the provided space. He let the other man hold his chin and smiled. “I dreamt about you too.”

A bright smile appeared on the Hyungwon's lips as he leaned in and exhaled against his mouth, big eyes examining him intently like there was something to him that needed Hyungwon's full attention.

“My dreams are innocent compared to what has happened in reality already,” the brown-haired man replied and licked over Hoseok’s bottom lip, smile remaining. “It was… when we kissed at the museum, when I realised that I like you. The difference was that you didn't let go when fear of the unknown took you over.” Hyungwon switched so quickly, teasing and sexual in one moment and honest and raw in another.

“There is something that you don't know about me. I might be limited due to my complexes and I might seem like someone who didn't see anything exciting, but if I genuinely want something… I will never let go until I have it.” Licking over his own lips he put both hands on the desk, leaning over and forcing Hyungwon to move back a little. “And I want you.”

“Hold on tight then,” Hyungwon whispered as his other leg wrapped around him and the older man clashed their mouths together. One hand tugged at his hair while the gorgeous man attempted to hold himself up with the other, most of his weight resting on his forearm. Hyungwon seemed so needy, licking into his mouth and whimpering when he pushed their chests together. It seemed like Hoseok’s presence alone was enough to steal his breath.

“You can bet on it,” he hissed and finally allowed himself to curl one arm around the other man's slim waist, enjoying the way it felt and how Hyungwon curled his spine in response to his lips and tongue against his skin.

It took but a minute before the gorgeous man suddenly let loose, fingers fumbling with his clothes until they finally slipped under his shirt and almost ripped it off his body. Legs wrapped tightly around him and pushed their groins together while soft gasps entered his ears. It felt like the delicate body had melted in his arms, as if Hyungwon was giving in to him in a matter of seconds instead of the usual defiance he showed. It felt exhilarating and his heartbeat confirmed the feeling by hammering inside his ears. He wanted him, Hoseok wanted him so badly.

Sure, he had thoughts about the mask, about what he would've done if he had worn it, but they moved to the back, letting him focus his attention on the man in his arms. His hands curled around Hyungwon's lean thighs and he lifted the other man in the air, lips continuing to taste his neck and nibble on the outline of his gorgeous collarbone. Hyungwon barely weighed anything and he loved the feeling of holding him in his arms.

“I love it when you lift me,” the low voice breathed out and lean arms wrapped around his neck. Hyungwon tilted his head down and let their lips meet, his plump ones giving in to the pressure. The brown-haired man was mesmerising, especially up close, round mole on his bottom lip visible and big eyes focused on him.

“I like you so much,” he murmured, overwhelmed by the proximity, by the feelings that gave additional intensity to every touch, made every shaky breath seem meaningful and clouded his senses, lowering his anxiety to show himself. “Please- please don't think that I'm scared. I'm not, I swear I'm not,” he whispered, remembering the only time he had sex without the mask and feeling a shiver run down his spine.

Hyungwon immediately shook his head, one palm reaching out to stroke over his face tenderly and litter it with kisses. The older man's legs were still wrapped tightly around him and rough breaths brushed over his lips and nose.

“I like you too,” the beautiful man whispered and kissed his lips again, eyes focused on his mouth at first before they finally met his gaze. The brown colour had almost entirely turned into black. “Fuck me without it, I want _you_.” Hyungwon's eyes looked so different as they stared at him, palm still stroking his face and whole body trembling in his hold. “Please.”

Hoseok bit down on his soft bottom lip and moved towards the bed, letting Hyungwon's back touch the white sheets of his hotel bed before crawling on top of the beautiful brown-haired man. There was no mask, no plot, no lines and no general idea, just him and his desire to be close to a person, to share, knowing that the other person wanted the same.

After undressing himself, he took the time to slowly undress the gorgeous man under him, kissing every patch of golden skin he could find. It felt more than intense and he was so much more aware of what he was doing, how he was doing it and how Hyungwon responded to his ministrations. He could taste the other man's skin, smell his scent and hear every single exhale, no matter how shaky or silent it was. As soon as Hyungwon was naked, his lips travelled up again, stopping right when their faces were across from each other.

“You are beautiful,” he whispered, gaze staying on the other man's soft features.

Hyungwon was watching him with his mesmerizing, big eyes. His lips were parted and a pink tongue licked over them briefly, interrupting the breathy exhales.

“You taste like a piece of heaven,” the brown-haired man whispered and connected their lips for a few seconds, face expressing pure wonder. “And you look like an angel, sent to save me. Please save me,” Hyungwon muttered and curled his whole body around him, beautiful face disappearing in the crook of his neck. He enjoyed the proximity and stroked over the silky strands of the other man's hair. His skin was burning and he let his body sink down on top of Hyungwon's, making sure to not put too much weight on the other man.

“When I'm with you I can't remember any lines, you make me forget every single role I’ve ever played.” He smiled at the realization and kissed along Hyungwon's gorgeous neck, sucking in the intoxicating scent in the process.

“That's because you don't need to act with me,” Hyungwon replied, mirroring his smile. The other man's hands were big, but soft, thin fingers entangling with the strands of his hair and tugging a little. “I want to breathe you in.”

Hoseok gasped at the tugs on his hair, before travelling down, tongue drawing patterns on Hyungwon's gorgeous skin that resembled gold in the light of the table lamp. Hyungwon was aroused and looked gorgeous, making him want to give him all the pleasure in the world.

“Can I taste you?” he asked while placing tender kisses along the other man's inner thighs. Hyungwon was still smiling when he nodded, legs moving apart a little and hands continuously tugging at his hair and massaging his shoulders.

“Please,” the beautiful man whispered as a brief shiver passed through his lips. “Will you prepare me?”

Hoseok wanted to do everything, but there were things he had to pay attention to. Hyungwon enjoying every single second was definitely one of them. Nodding with a smile, he started kissing lower while his hands bent Hyungwon's body. Stretching out one hand he waited patiently for Hyungwon to give him the lube while his tongue already licked over the other man's entrance.

The gorgeous man moaned, sound loud and unrestrained until he remembered their situation and covered his mouth with his palm. His other hand was holding the lube, dropping it on his flat stomach when Hoseok licked over his entrance again. He must have liked it. Hoseok’s tongue disappeared in Hyungwon's tight body and before long, he heard the pleas for more and he switched to his fingers, slipping two inside and rubbing against the sensitive spot. He was completely overwhelmed by how dazzling Hyungwon looked.

“Please,” the gorgeous man moaned and pulled at his hair, thighs shaking uncontrollably and entrance contracting around his fingers. It was beautiful and how much Hyungwon wanted him became apparent with each passing second that the brown-haired man gasped his name and begged him for more. The way Hyungwon gave in seemed unexpected but natural, like there could not have been any other way for the beautiful man to act. Hoseok added another finger while his tongue teased the straight erection. The way Hyungwon's body reacted to the pleasure made his own arousal more prominent, if that was possible.

“Hoseok, I want you,” the older man whispered suddenly, body lifting up a little and meeting his eyes. There was something desperate to the way Hyungwon looked at him, palm still covering his mouth to contain the loud sounds of pleasure that kept raining from his lips. “Take me, please.”

His hands weren't trembling when he took the prepared condom and the lube and got ready, feeling how Hyungwon's gaze remained on his face.

_He's watching you._

It was okay, he didn't feel scared because there was something in Hyungwon's expression that told him that it was okay. Licking over his lips once, Hoseok bent Hyungwon's legs and pushed against the other man's entrance, finally entering his incredibly tight body that contracted around him repeatedly. It felt incomparable, it seemed as if he had been wearing a gas mask before, blurring his senses and not allowing himself to feel everything at once. He felt as if he had dropped his mask, his roles and the script, only feeling himself and Hyungwon breathing in unison.

 

***

Hyungwon could barely breathe and at the same time he couldn't get enough of the intoxicating scent that surrounded him, sweet and familiar but also rough and new. His hands were holding onto the muscular body above him, legs wrapped around Hoseok’s waist and his eyes were wide open, watching every expression on the beautiful man's face. He wanted to remember the feeling and not let past memories take over, to remind him of how he had felt giving in to somebody. It wasn't about somebody, it was about Hoseok and how deep his affection for the red-haired man had become.

Both of them remained silent, eyes fixed on each other as breathy pleasure-filled exhales left their lips. Hyungwon tried to get even closer, to feel more of Hoseok, of the way he filled him out, how his pale hands felt on his body, how his curved lips met his in an intimate kiss. It was real but at the same time like a dream, it had the same qualities, barely believable that he could watch those almost black eyes as they lost themselves inside his.

He gasped again, louder, forgetting where they were, but he couldn't think about it, not with the pleasure that washed over him and the emotions that burned in his chest. His eyes felt a little wet even though it was ridiculous. It must have been the lack of the mask, the genuine expression on Hoseok’s face, the way he watched him but showed him everything at the same time.

_He's not scared at all, he gives you everything._

There were gentle touches, Hoseok's fingers stroking his face, his curved lips attaching to his just to break the kiss again, only for the black eyes to watch the expression on his face. The gorgeous man started moving, first slow before the movements turned more sensual and were accompanied by breathy moans and hisses. Hoseok showed everything on his face, it was a mixture. A mixture of the confident man wearing the red mask, the shy boy who got nervous easily, Benjamin, Faust, all of it was there for him to see.

It felt like he was giving the red-haired man a mirror and holding it in front of him to see everything. Instead of succumbing to the persona Hoseok was when he wore the mask, just like he had dreamt or imagined countless times while watching his videos, Hyungwon gave in to the unmasked man, showing vulnerability, insecurity, affection but also fear. It was all there for Hoseok to grasp and taste, to accept or reject if he wanted to. Hyungwon watched him with wide eyes, not looking away for even a second and lips parted to express the pleasure he felt in his groin and with every smooth motion of Hoseok inside of him. He tried to keep quiet, body trembling under and around Hoseok.

The red-haired man was all over him, hands, lips and tongue exploring his body without a break. Hoseok pulled out and placed a kiss on his lips.

“I want to hear and see how you feel pleasure, so you will have to turn around for me,” he whispered into his ear, gently stroking over his face in the process.

Hyungwon nodded, a little hesitant because he wouldn't be able to see Hoseok’s face anymore. His body barely listened to his orders as he lifted up and turned around carefully, sheets soft against his stomach and thighs.

“I- I mustn't be loud though,” he murmured, worried that he would forget as soon as he could feel Hoseok inside him again, stealing his awareness and flooding his body with pleasure.

“You can,” Hoseok replied and sank on top of him, filling him out in a more satisfying angle than before. Hyungwon screamed before burying his face in the sheets, muffling his screams and whimpering instead. It felt good, enough to tremble with each thrust. He didn't have enough awareness to keep track of the sounds he made and whether he covered his mouth, so he took two fingers and inserted them between his lips, moaning around them instead.

Hoseok filled the room with his gorgeous low moans as he rolled his hips into him repeatedly, hands roaming over his back and pulling at his hair. Leaning over him, the gorgeous red-haired man sunk his teeth into the crook of his neck, before whispering how much he loved being inside of him. Hyungwon whimpered in reply. He hoped that Hoseok could tell he felt the same, that he was overwhelmed with sensations and forgetting his mind and his memories. He wanted the beautiful man to know that there had been nothing vibrant and fascinating enough to pull him out of his shell, but Hoseok had only needed to smile while standing in front of him, showing himself with all his perfect imperfections to make him break free.

Hyungwon reached out with his free hand to intertwine his fingers with Hoseok’s, needing more and more proximity to feel at ease, to feel the explosion inside his chest. He didn’t need anything else, no complex play or teasing, he only needed Hoseok’s hot body on top of his and the low moans that entered his ears. He moaned around his fingers and curled his spine to feel more, to push himself closer towards the red-haired man.

He could see it in front of his inner eye, the way the borders of his consciousness were lit in blue flames, swivering away from the heat and giving him access to what was happening around him, allowing him to see reality and feel at peace with it.

_He ripped you away from your memories, Hyungwon._

_You’re in love._

Hoseok stopped and pulled out before turning him around and bending him in half, thick length filling him out once again.

“I want to see your face,” the gorgeous man whispered before rolling his hips into his body and moaning with his parted lips, scent of fresh sweat and something inherently them filling the air. Hyungwon couldn’t keep his eyes open this time as the pleasure reached new heights and his erection twitched between them, nails buried in Hoseok’s shoulders. Suddenly, white dots began to cover his vision and his orgasm washed over him without much of a warning. He bit down on his bottom lip to remain silent. A muffled scream of Hoseok’s name still passed through, echoing off the walls and melting into the sound of skin slapping against skin.

His eyes fluttered open as soon as he was able to, focusing on Hoseok's beautiful face and how affected the younger man looked. It couldn’t just be from the way his body felt, it must have been much more than that, his face, the intimacy they shared, the feelings that were involved. There was so much to it and Hyungwon was a little terrified of allowing the moment to end. The beautiful man kept moving until his face radiated pure bliss and he came, burying himself deep inside Hyungwon’s body. Only a moment passed before Hoseok collapsed on top of him, sweaty skin melting into his and harsh breaths hitting the shell of his ear. There was nothing, only the sound of their exhales and silence surrounding them.

“I’m in love with you, Hyungwon. I wanted to keep this feeling for myself as I always do, but it seems as if I can’t,” Hoseok whispered, heavy body pinning him down and the other man’s pale hand stroking over his cheek. “I want you.”

_It’s mutual._

His eyes widened as Tarkovsky’s words returned to his mind. ‘A declaration of love: the consciousness of our dependence on each other. A confession.’. He had received it, Hoseok had given him the confession, the one thing he had desired but dreaded at the same time. Now there was no going back, no cold shoulders and pretence that fought to make the red-haired man believe he felt nothing. Hoseok’s words were genuine and his voice breathy as he pronounced them. It was the truth and Hyungwon had no way to deny it, no way to lie and proclaim that he didn’t feel the same. He did, it was in his chest, bubbling under the surface and showing only small bits of himself that manifested in his facial expressions.

“You need to save me to have me,” he whispered eventually, hands shaking and lips trembling at the sudden outburst of emotions. It was always the same, like a break in the screen of a movie he had been watching.

A smile, a brush of a warm hand on his shoulder, the rustling of a coat that covered a familiar man and finally the painful sound of the door falling into its lock, leaving nothing. Nothing at all.


	14. 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're only scared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 1st of May at 2 PM CET.  
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He couldn't believe that it was already over. The time that passed seemed so short to him, the filming schedule and the terrible nights in Hallstatt, the first time he had tried to deliver food to the set, only because he didn't want to get close to one of his previous video partners and ending up being in love with the heartless director. He would've laughed at how ridiculous it was, if it hadn't been a little sad. Hoseok would've never thought that he would get so infatuated with the brown-haired man, that he would learn to love every look that Hyungwon directed at him, the hesitant smiles, the rare times where the emotions took over him, played him, made him vulnerable and pushed him into Hoseok's arms. He was scared. Scared of what would happen after everything was over.

Of course Kihyun told him about the promotion schedule, freaking him out with the mere prospect of flying somewhere, but still he smelled change, Hyungwon's low voice kept repeating the harsh words in his head, telling him that reality was like this, that people constantly wanted things, but that it didn't mean anything because in the end they would both get hurt. He didn't want to get hurt, he wanted Hyungwon. It got more intense, occupied his senses, infiltrated his behaviours, the beautiful man was everywhere, like an alien life form.

Lifting his wine glass, he stared at Marlene to think about something else. It had been a terrible idea, his emotions were already overboard and he felt his eyes burn from the thoughts that he wouldn't see the attractive woman anymore.

_This, Hoseok. This is the reason for staying with people you’ve known for a long time._

“I will miss you. So so so much,” he murmured and wiped a tear that managed to run down without him noticing.

“Oh, Hoseok, please don't cry,” Marlene exclaimed and instantly wrapped her warm arms around him, squeezing him tightly. “It's always sad when filming ends, but we'll still see each other at the premiere, right? Everyone will be asking you so many questions and be all excited about your brilliant acting. I can't wait.”

“But it's not the same. I don't care about the spotlight, at least not the kind of spotlight that cameras create when they take a picture. I will miss talking to you and being close and how interesting your transformation into Marie looks when you prepare for a scene. I might not look like it, but I'm someone who cries a lot. I'm sad, so I cry.” He smiled and took a sip of his wine after the actress loosened her embrace.

“Crying is good, it gets all the emotions to the surface and everything feels a little easier afterwards.” The blonde woman smiled and took a sip of her own wine. Hyungwon had invited the whole crew for dinner at the end of filming and everybody seemed to be enjoying themselves. “Have you talked to the director yet? I've never seen him that reluctant to say ‘cut’.”

“Because it's never only the ‘cut’ of a scene, a break, it's also the end of something, it might be irrelevant and small, or big and life-changing. It's like the curtain on stage. It cuts you off from everything. There is a connection between the crowd and the actors on stage, but that connection gets cut by the curtain. It's the same with the film. He cut everything by saying that. This is why I'm sad, because the reason for seeing you was cut off and now there's nothing. You're Marlene, an amazing actress and I'm Hoseok, the student in acting school.” He kept chewing on his lips in between words, unable to stop his tears. “We starred in a movie together, but that's it.”

“That's- excuse my French- bullshit, Hoseok. If people really like each other they can stay in contact. We can write to each other, call, talk on the grand invention called the internet. This isn't the 11th century when the only way to contact another person is by sending a letter by a random guy that might get killed on the way.” Marlene chuckled and embraced him again. “One might think goodbyes get easier the more often you do them, but they don't. I would have expected the director to be the most composed of us all, but I haven't even seen him around yet after inviting us.”

“It's because he has his own thoughts and they are probably scary. I'll go see if I can find him.” He wiped the tears from his face and got up, taking his glass along and nodding at some of the other actors who sat at different tables while he made his way through the spacious restaurant Hyungwon had rented.

The director was nowhere to be found and only when Hoseok made his way along a narrow corridor towards the gents, did he see the tall man. Hyungwon was leaning against a wall, eyes closed and head thrown back. His hands were buried in the pockets of his suit pants and he seemed lost in thought.

_Can you just rip him out of his thoughts like this?_

He remembered all those times Hyungwon had talked about reality, how it was scary and he didn't like it, how the other man preferred to remain in his thoughts without getting out. Still, Hoseok stepped closer and watched the beautiful brown-haired man intently, feeling the warmth bubble inside his chest, portraying his affection.

Hyungwon's lips were pressed together, but there was movement behind his eyelids, like he was looking at something, even if it wasn't the reality that surrounded him. There was a deep inhale before the big eyes opened and stared at the ground for a few seconds. Once the beautiful man's gaze lifted up, it met his, eyes widening in surprise.

“Are you having a hard time?” Hoseok asked, voice low and quiet. Appropriate to the barely lit corridor and Hyungwon's facial expression.

“I- I usually don't struggle when filming ends,” the other man replied quietly and glanced at the ground, parquet scratched from countless boots that had walked over it. “It is like a chapter that ends and I focus on what's to come, the stories I haven't told yet. Many directors they- feel like a film is a child that grows up. Not for me. I'm glad when it finally leaves me.”

“But this time it’s different? I just talked to Marlene and realized that you're my curtain. My beginning and my end. It all started with you saying ‘cut’ and ended with you saying ‘cut’. You're powerful like this.” He smiled and stepped a little closer, taking a big sip of his wine. He wanted to embrace the other man, but Hyungwon had always been careful when there were people around. “And now we're both here, I'm without lines and you're without script.”

There was a twitch in the corner of Hyungwon's mouth as the director looked up again, eyes meeting his.

“But the effect of the said words and the followed script remains, doesn't it?”

“You're the director. You can write it anew,” he whispered, staring into the other man's beautiful brown eyes.

“Do you want me to write the script for the actor or find the actor for the script, Hoseok?” Hyungwon pushed his body off the wall to step closer, leaving about a meter between them. A blonde man walked past them, a little irritated by them standing in the middle of the hallway. The director didn't show any intention of stepping away though.

“Honestly?” he asked and smiled to himself after thinking about Hyungwon's words and what they meant. “I don't care. I just want you, preferably happy, with or without a script.”

His answer conjured wonder on the older man's face, lips parting in reply but stopping in the middle of the action.

“But you are studying to become an actor, Hoseok. How do you plan on having me then? My time in Austria is almost over unless you let me discover something that I want to show here, that I need Vienna to express, that I possibly even need you to express. You haven't hurt me, not yet, I cannot- show it.”

_He needs you to hurt him to show it?_

He kept the expression on his face for a while before throwing his head back and groaning.

“You're acting as if I'm a student in a grocery store and you're a supermarket chicken. It's not my decision how I'm going to have you. I'm probably not going to have you at all at this point, but I keep talking about it because it's the only thing I can do. I can only tell you that I'm in love with you 5000 times and hope that it leaves an impression,  that you'll still think of me when you're back in the world of your thoughts, even though it doesn't matter where you are physically. You want me to hurt you to film another movie? You know,  I really like art, but I won't ever do that.” He hissed and downed the rest of his wine, placing the glass on the radiator.

 His words must have passed through the barricade the older man had managed to build up again as his lips trembled and he glanced to the side.

“A lot of people are able to say that they will never hurt another, Hoseok. But then they still do, be it on purpose or not. You are mistaken about your hope to remain on my mind, because there is nothing else there, it is only you, from the moment I wake up until the moment I finally fall asleep. It doesn't matter whether I film or not, my eyes seek you out and think about the way you move and what you might be thinking. I can't even tell if what I'm filming is any good and represents what I wanted to show because I can only see you.” Sucking a big gulp of air into his lungs, the brown-haired man brushed through his hair, ruffling up the carefully styled bangs. “If being in my thoughts was your goal, then you have already reached it, Hoseok.”

“Don't be ridiculous. You're just afraid to get hurt and try to push all those thoughts you have into my head. You want to know what I want? I want to be able to see you every day, to kiss you and to be close to you, to see your smile and your worried eyes when something doesn't work out, I want you to be vulnerable and hit my chest when your emotions get a hold of you and I want to embrace you then. I want to stay close to you, to see all of you.” He sighed and looked to the side, sad smile taking over his face. “But then- I also know how much art means to you. How you feel when you can materialise your thoughts into film, how your expression changes and I won't ever tell you to abandon it only because there's a twenty-year old drama major who is in love with you.”

“Why… are you so grown up?” Hyungwon whispered, teeth settling on his bottom lip and hands curling into fists. His face had changed so much, abandoning even more of the static features and revealing a mixture of anger and desperation. “This would be so easy if you were naive and hadn't thought this through, if you weren't aware of what is coming and why it is difficult. But here you are, telling me that you know all that, see it, understand my passion and still like me despite everything. I really hate you, Hoseok, hate you for constantly breaking my walls and making me want to fuck everything and embrace you. I should be planning my departure, but- I am thinking about how to kiss your lips without anybody noticing. Fuck.” The older man's right hand lifted up and his fingers grabbed his shirt, holding it tightly as he exhaled and pressed his lips together. “Why do you keep making reality worthwhile?”

“I don't know. Why does that matter?” he whispered in reply, letting Hyungwon tug on his shirt and trying not to cry, even though he really wanted to. “You know, someone once said that if you love a flower, you shouldn't pick it because otherwise it'll die and cease to be what you loved. I guess it's something like this. I love you, so I let you be.”

The brown-haired man shook his head violently and only tightened the grip on his shirt, pulling him closer and using his other hand to grab another fistful of the fabric. Hyungwon's whole body was trembling, muscles tensed and lips pressed together like he was fighting a response.

“It matters because you make me want to abandon my thoughts and drown in reality instead, in what you are offering me, in the way you make me feel. It's like waking up after a long dream, but what is the dream? This or the way I felt before? I don't fucking know.”

“I don't know it either. I don't even know what I'm offering you. You told me that you're comfortable like this, I'm not here to pull you out and create chaos. I'm just here because I can't stay away from you and I can't bear the thought that you'll leave me.” It was too late and his tears streamed down his face, he wasn't even able to add a smile, there was nothing, just pain.

“Come,” Hyungwon whispered suddenly and let go of his shirt, long fingers wrapping around his wrist instead. “Not here.”

The older man pulled him along the hallway and into the restrooms. They slipped into the closest stall and closed the door as soon as they were inside.

“I'm so sorry, sorry for not knowing how to act and sorry for forcing you into this situation, into this restroom stall,” Hyungwon muttered helplessly and wrapped his arms around him, pressing him close to his chest as his fingers raked through his hair. “I can't bear the thought of leaving you, but I don't know what else to do. It would be easy if you would act your age, but it feels like this is mutual, like you are as crazy for me as I am for you.”

“I am. I am crazy for you. You're the most dazzling flower and I keep reaching down to pick you, but I can't bring myself to. Fuck. I dreamed that you were dissatisfied with everything and we had to film all the scenes over again, it was the best dream I've ever had because I knew that it'd give me at least a little more time.” He was devastated, but it felt as if there was nothing he could do. “But you're the director of the movie and you finished filming it, the others are waiting for you upstairs. I don't care, I would stay with you here, but I can't pick the flower, so I have to make sure it blooms,” he whispered and wiped away another outpouring of tears. He probably needed half an hour to stop crying at this point.

“But- I'm not a flower, Hoseok, and I don't care about the others. I care about art and about you. Those are the only two things on my mind and I don't know how to combine them anymore. It was easy before, I moulded my art according to my love, but then I lost both at once. I can't do that anymore, I'll break. But- but I want both.” Hyungwon's breaths were ragged and his hand didn't stop stroking over his hair, slim body still shaking a little despite the tight embrace. “How can you call me a flower if I am only a lens? A pathetic copy of what's left on the inside that I project to the outside.”

“I can call you a flower because I love you,” he whispered and closed the distance, kissing Hyungwon's warm mouth and tasting his own tears.

_Just hope that your weaknesses are delicious too._

***

A new chapter was beginning, a new story to tell now that he had finished the old one. There was always a natural exchange, like switching clothes with the seasons. Hyungwon had always been the one that struggled the least, the one who felt relief at the end of a movie.

_Because you hope to leave something with it, the thoughts and memories that gave birth to it._

This time it didn't feel like a new beginning, it only felt like an end. There was no idea at the back of his mind, no new thought that he wanted to leave his head, none that was ready to leave yet. His feelings for Hoseok were something that he couldn't abandon by expressing them. It felt like he couldn't abandon them at all, neither after the end of the movie, nor when he stayed as far away as possible.

Hyungwon hadn't dared joining the other actors and the crew, remaining close to the restrooms and attempting to figure out his emotions. There wasn't much to figure out, but he kept hoping that the conclusion would be a different one the longer he thought about it.

But it wasn't. It was always the same.

_You have to leave._

It could have been easy. Had Hoseok been a normal twenty-year-old boy, naive and with unrealistic expectations it would have been easy. Hyungwon would have shown him why it couldn't work, why his thoughts didn't get them anywhere and why Hoseok had to stay in Vienna and Hyungwon was going to move on, continue doing the one thing he did best. There was a man who once said that the people who became directors were the ones who had no other remarkable skill. Hyungwon could easily associate with that thought. Directing, acting and photography had been the things he was able to do, but directing was the one thing that won against the other two.

His work had changed a lot after his first few movies. It had been positive thoughts and emotions before, things he wanted to share. Now it was mostly something he wanted to abandon. It had been reality with ‘the bone flute’.

Instead his attempt had given him Hoseok, the one thread that kept pulling him back into it, making it seem worthwhile and a place he belonged.

_But it isn't, you know it won't stay. Nothing will happen if you delay your departure._

Hyungwon would have to leave in the end, he had a passion and the worst was that Hoseok was well aware. The twenty-year-old boy wasn't holding him, not at all. Hoseok was devastated because he seemed to know, he seemed oh so perfectly accepting of what their situation meant, that there was no way for Hyungwon to stay.

He had been desperate in his attempts to portray Hoseok’s feelings towards him as pointless, as a projector of his hurt to the outside, a projection of what was left. There wasn't much left of the person he had been before. Hyungwon had invested years into getting rid of it bit by bit. Hoseok’s ability to pull it out was limited. It wasn't a reason to stay, nothing was.

_He keeps saying that he can't have you but wants you to bloom, like a flower he doesn't dare pick._

 The words hurt because they were selfless. Hyungwon was the one hurting the red-haired boy by leaving, by making it obvious that he wouldn't stay, no matter what happened. He wanted art and he wanted the man in his arms, crying against his shoulder in a restroom stall because it was the only privacy they could afford. He wanted to cry too, to fuck everything and cry until everything turned exactly the way he wanted it to be. But that wasn't what happened in reality, reality was bitter and left you with hot streaks of tears on your cheeks and the same old pain, throbbing in your chest like a foreign entity.

“How can you call me a flower if I am only a lens? A pathetic copy of what's left on the inside that I project to the outside,” he whispered as his body shook uncontrollably and he couldn't contain it anymore. He had wanted to remain strong and firm in his decisions, but it wasn't working. He couldn't stay, but he also couldn't pretend not to care. For that Hoseok was too good at pulling the emotions from the depths of his mind.

“I can call you a flower because I love you,” was the beautiful man's reply, tears streaming down his cheeks and wetting Hyungwon's face as the distance between them disappeared bit by bit. Warm and salty lips met his, desperate and vulnerable. His arms tightened around Hoseok’s shoulders and he kissed back, lungs sucking in the needed air as the throbbing in his chest remained. It felt like a goodbye, a goodbye that both of them knew but didn't mention.

Hyungwon wanted to say the three words, to confess back, to make it mutual again, to bring their feelings for each other full circle. But it felt superfluous. It was only an additional stab. Hoseok must have known that the feelings were there, after all that was why Hyungwon had wanted a confession from him, to hear the words that meant what happened between them wasn't meaningless. Hearing the words from him again would only make it worse.

_Because it means they aren't enough to stay. Nothing is._

His fingers raked through Hoseok’s hair, attempting to calm the younger man down with the cold touch of his hands. The red-haired man had always been warmer than him, be it physically or with the emotions he was willing to express, showing him everything there was to see.

_This time you are the one breaking somebody, Hyungwon._

“I'm sorry,” he whispered when their lips parted, but it was meaningless.

_

 The employee at the business class check in gave him a Cheshire Cat style grin. Her teeth were perfectly visible and she must have been new, trying hard to make him feel especially loved. Hyungwon doubted that feeling loved could have made him feel any better.

_You already feel loved, but that doesn't change anything._

He nodded with a quiet sigh and watched his single suitcase slide along the conveyor belt and disappear. It contained everything that he owned. He was back to the first take, looking for a new home to settle for a few months. The editors for post production were in Sweden and Hyungwon preferred to be present for the whole process, so he was going there too. He didn't have an idea for the next movie yet, but he knew himself, a few walks through Stockholm were going to be enough to develop it.

Hyungwon almost felt at ease with his decision at this point, making his way through security and into the corner of a cafe where he could be on his own and think about the next steps in his life, the next chapter he started. It was time to abandon reality again and return to what he knew.

_It's almost like the time when you left the US, only that it hurts less now._

He hadn't given in to Hoseok to the extent that he had with the memories he tried to abandon for several years now. They were a familiar enemy, always there and smiling whenever he placed a foot into reality, only to pull it right back, afraid of getting burned. It might have been cowardly, but Hyungwon had already gotten used to the thought that he could have one of two things, art or love. When he was in love, art was compromised and when he created art, there was no space for love, no space for positive feelings. He had nothing to say when he was in love, nothing apart from the desire to share what he was feeling. But people didn't want him to share, they wanted him to lay everything bare.

_It's good that you’re leaving before it all blows up._

A steaming cup of coffee landed on his table with a thud, pulling him from his thoughts and back to the cafe, seated at a corner table and waiting for his flight to Stockholm. His eyes landed on dark hair and Kihyun's narrowed eyes, watching him intently.

“So you're cool with all of this, huh?” he asked and his lips rearranged in distaste. His long-time friend didn't have a lot of lip mass to be expressive with them, but it was perfect to express distaste, cringe and general dissatisfaction with Hyungwon's actions. Kihyun had been doing it since he had left the US.

“What do you mean by ‘all this’? I am enjoying my black coffee, yes,” Hyungwon replied, purposefully ignoring the topic the other man was obviously getting at. He was satisfied with his decision, nothing that Kihyun was going to say could change it. He was waiting for his flight and he was going to leave, there was nothing to be changed anymore and his feelings for a red-haired, twenty-year-old rookie actor had no say in this.

“You know exactly what I mean, Hyungwon. You haven't given a single shit for over five years and now when you finally do you're just going to fuck off? Do what you always do?” Kihyun clenched his fists once like he wanted to get rid of a sudden burst of anger before he drowned his feelings in coffee. “I can't believe you're so stubborn about this. You deleted his number, didn't you?”

Hyungwon swallowed, remembering the way he had erased his phone contacts like he did after the end of every movie. Kihyun was the one who kept them to contact the actors for the premiere. There was no need to talk after the end of a chapter.

“I don't see why I would need it.”

“Sure, not that you get emotional because you actually fucking like him and call him one lonely night, making an oh so terrible mistake that would probably make you way less miserable than you've been the past five years and plan to be the next ten. You're such a stubborn asshole, I can't believe this.” His friend looked furious, throwing his hands in the air in defeat and emptying the rest of his cappuccino even though it must have been ridiculously hot.

Hoseok also enjoyed drinking cappuccino.

“I've made my decision, Kihyun. There is no point in giving me a lecture. What are you planning to achieve? That I turn around, cancel my flight and go to him to cry in his arms? And what then? Then I'm going to buy another plane ticket and do the exact same thing all over again. There is no point.” He sighed and massaged his temples. The conversation was stressing him. He had thought about this a lot and his conclusion was the result of contemplating his choices. There was no other choice and Hoseok was letting him go because the younger man knew it too. Both of them knew that it was the best choice, a mutual goodbye. There was no better way to end something than a mutual goodbye.

_There hadn't even been much in the first place._

Hyungwon hadn't let go, not completely. The memories they shared were limited and bearable. He wasn't going to lose his mind, not yet.

“I don't care if you'll make the same decision all over again. I care about the fact that you have been a fucking shell since we left the US together and now that you've met the kid you're- you're more like yourself, do you understand me? I missed your stupid, emotional self, the one that just jumped into something because it felt right, but now you're abandoning it all.” The other man's hands were shaking and he placed them on his knees to make it less obvious. He was emotional, because of Hyungwon.

“Tell me, Hyungwon, what's the goal of all those thoughts that you put into your movies and try to abandon? What do you want to achieve once you are done with it? Do you want to return to the way you were before? The Hyungwon without all those memories?” Kihyun's eyes were narrowed again and his bottom lip covered part of the top lip.

_What do you want to achieve?_

Hyungwon focused his eyes on the way his fingers wrapped around his cup, long and thin. His hands were big enough to cover the whole cup easily, even though it was the broader type they used in Vienna.

He had hoped to empty his mind, to figure out everything that was going on inside his head through other people, characters that take on those features and problems and solve them on their own. It had worked until now. His dreams had diminished and there wasn't as much pain when he imagined returning to Boston, to the apartment he had burned to the ground. Maybe there was already somebody else living there after rebuilding, after removing the traces of the fire like Hyungwon kept removing the traces from his mind.

“I want to create art and nothing else,” he replied. It wasn't a real answer, not what Kihyun wanted to hear, but it was his conclusion. He was going to continue, to use his pain and his memories as inspiration and tell stories that nobody else did. What was the point of sharing happiness? He had tried it before and people ripped it to shreds as soon as it showed cracks. Staying with Hoseok would have been the same mistake, being with an actor that would rise to fame and be hounded by the public. They would doubt his talent and in the end Hoseok would grow to hate Hyungwon and the opportunity and simultaneously the doom that he provided him. It was simple, really.

“I remember exactly what it was like, Hyungwon. I remember how open and communicative you were, easily expressing whatever you felt. If you want to return to the way it was, to the way you were before we left, then the boy might have been the best chance for that. I hope you know that.” Removing his hands from his thighs, Kihyun stood up and grabbed his cup of coffee to clean up after himself, not waiting for Hyungwon's reply.

There wasn't anything for him to reply with. Even if he had been more like himself, opening up and letting Hoseok see his weaknesses, it was meaningless on the long run. Hyungwon had seen it all, he knew his feelings and his behaviours. Love wasn't worth throwing away everything else, neither for him nor for Hoseok.

_He'll be fine, he has so much time to focus on acting._

And Hyungwon? He was merely going to do what he always did, drown in his thoughts and the new memories he had been able to create, find a way to make them disappear.

 

***

 

_5 months later_

Smiling politely, Hoseok left the seminar room and walked towards the exit, steps sounding dull in the long, white-painted hallways of his university. He got an A for his module in Performing Arts, but it seemed as if it was just another checked off item on a to do list.

_You would’ve been so happy half a year ago._

The thought produced a sad smile and he sighed, walking out of the building and right into the usual heat of mid August. The air didn’t move and he struggled to breathe, smelling cars instead of the fresh scent of summer rain that he liked so much. He took his bike and cycled through the city, watching the familiar buildings and people who had things to take care of. Some rushed through the streets, some shopped or sat outside with a scoop of ice cream, but all of them seemed to be an integral part of the city. It was impressive how his view had changed over the past few months. How back then, the old residential buildings had given him comfort and a sense of belonging whereas now they seemed boring and annoying. Vienna turned into something different, into a teacher in school who you didn’t like and who kept nagging you about things you knew but were unwilling to change.

_It reminds you of your mistakes._

Something had happened during those months that separated him from the city, making him an alien entity, someone foreign, someone who didn’t belong in the streets and the cafes, the museums and theatres. His grey rain cloud had wrapped around him without him noticing and separated him from everything he considered a part of himself before.

He kept making videos, frequently and more than he used to. Minhyuk said it was to compensate, but it was more to make money. During those months he had saved an insane amount of money in addition to what he had gotten for the filming after it was over. He was rich in comparison to his usual financial situation. But he had a goal, so he didn’t touch the money.

Locking his bike in their cellar, he went up the stairs and opened the apartment door with the old key.

“I’m home,” he said, as he always did and went to the bathroom to wash his hands. He invented new routines for himself to stay busy and pay attention to different things instead of dwelling in the past.

“You are. How was your exam?” his best friend asked, leaning against the doorframe. It took a few moments for him to process what the other man was talking about until he finally remembered his exam in Performing Arts.

“An A,” he muttered and ruffled up his black hair, before brushing it back in form. He had a video to film after all.

“What do you mean ‘an A’? Hoseok, are you okay? You should be jumping around and screaming ‘Yippie’ or something equally ridiculous. You’ve been studying and practicing for this for months. Oh god, I’m so happy for you, I just- I just wish you were happy too.” Minhyuk’s voice got lower and quieted down. “And what’s with you not going out anymore? I accidentally opened the letter with your bank statements. You are fucking rich. At this point you could be buying whatever you like. I don’t understand this.”

“I need the money for something else.” Sighing, he walked past Minhyuk and into his room. He still needed to arrange the sheets and set up the cameras. Minhyuk didn’t leave anymore when he filmed because it happened so often that it would’ve been stressful for his best friend. The black-haired man followed him and sat down on the freshly made bed.

“Do you know where he is?” he asked and Hoseok felt his eyes burn in reply to the other man’s question. It was silent and he simply shook his head, before getting the cameras out of his drawer and setting them up in the right angles. He had learned a lot during the filming of ‘The Bone Flute’ and he used the knowledge for his own benefit.

“Don’t you think that you could find him? I read an article about him recently, something about a new movie and how it’s all artsy and another one about the premiere in two weeks. You’re going, aren’t you? Or were you waiting all this time to meet him at the event?” His best friend meant well, he really did, but Hoseok couldn’t talk about it, it was buried somewhere under the blanket of his consciousness and only returned with brief glances to the lights that the director had given him, or during the times when he went to the museum to see ‘The Kiss’ at night.

“I will go, but there’s nothing else. He left, Minhyuk. He knew how I felt and he left. He made a decision and I have to live with it. I’m trying to, but you make it more painful for me. It hurts a lot, so please… please stop,” he muttered and wiped the tears that managed to flow down his cheeks as he took the familiar mask out of his drawer. He wanted to laugh at himself for believing that he had been the person wearing a red mask. Meeting Hyungwon, falling in love with him and being left behind showed him how hollow his view had been. Now that the stunning brown-haired director was gone, there was only the mask left. Only the mask with no person behind it.

“But what- I mean- what was he supposed to do? He knows that you have your studies here in Vienna, and he makes his living with directing, he has to go somewhere to make another movie. There- I know it sounds harsh, but there’s no way for you two to work out. I guess your goodbyes were not the kind where you both were satisfied with the outcome. I understand that he’s probably an amazing person behind all the bullshit that he tries to sell to others when he meets them, but- but it’s not a reason for ruining your life right now, Hoseok. I know you will hate me for saying this but you’re twenty, he turned twenty-nine. He knows his shit and this is probably the reason for him leaving you behind. You have so many things to discover and to do, you should be extra euphoric about your studies going well and having so much money, instead of falling into heartbreak-induced depression.” Minhyuk came closer and curled his thin arms around him but he didn’t want to be hugged. He didn’t want to be comforted with stupid words telling him to give up and calm the fuck down. He hated it so much.

“I don’t want to discover anything and I don’t care whether he’s twenty-nine or forty-nine, Minhyuk. I don’t know if he’s the one, but I love him. I love him so fucking much and I haven’t seen him for five fucking months and he changed his number and there- there is no way for me to get him. I can’t believe that he forgot me, I also can’t believe that he doesn’t want me. I need to see him, so he can tell me. If he tells me that he doesn’t love me, I’ll move on, I promise,” Hoseok hissed through his tears and curled his fingers into tight fists.

“But- it’s not about moving on, Hoseok. Even if he does love you and if he recognizes you with your additional 7 kilograms of muscle and your raven-black hair, what will happen then? Nothing will change for you two. You will probably look at each other at the premiere, unable to be close, maybe fuck in his hotel room and that’s it. He will go back to wherever he is right now and you’ll come back to Vienna and go to uni. Don’t expect anything from this. Your problem is not feelings, your problem is that you are living in a parallel space and you can only meet because time and space fucked up. There- there’s no future, you know? I don’t know if you understand, but he definitely does. People always say one can change so much, but in the end it’s little and it’s meaningless compared to what we can’t change. Please just- just find someone else, or a different hobby, or I don’t know, just stop hurting yourself like this. I hate it.” The other man’s words were so harsh that he had kept the air in his lungs to not curse at him. It hurt so fucking much.

Chuckling bitterly, he leaned back and focused his gaze on his best friend’s eyes.

“You know- you told me the same thing when I tried to audition for the study programme for the fourth time. You told me to stop hurting myself and to just pick something different because I could literally be everything I want to be. You didn’t accept the fact that I wanted the one thing that didn’t seem to work out. I want him, Minhyuk, and I won’t give up, only because it ‘can’t’ work. This is not a reason, it’s an excuse. Failure is not a reason to stop trying. Failure is a reason to try harder.” Wiping the rest of his tears, he stepped out of his best friend’s embrace and put on the mask, staring at the other man from behind the red silk. “We are only hanging around here because we’re both cowards. Me because I’m terrified and don’t know who I actually am and what I’m worth and you because you know that I’m unsure, even though you should’ve moved in together with Jooheon a long time ago.”

This time it was Minhyuk who stared at him with tears collecting and running down his pale cheeks. A few seconds passed and his best friend left the room closing the door behind him and leaving him alone with the mask, the cameras and the light. Engraved on the inside of the blue light he got as a present, there were words. They said ‘There’s a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in’.

 

_

 

There were only a few days left until his flight to Cannes and he was extremely nervous. He even asked his professor to help him pick a suit that he would wear on the red carpet and whatever this stuff was called, it was a mess.

_You’re nervous because you will see him._

Sighing, he glanced at his phone that vibrated showing an unfamiliar number. He picked up and introduced himself quickly, before clicking through his emails and waiting for the caller to reply.

“Good evening, Mr. Lee. It’s Alois Miller, from the Hollywood Observer, may I have a few moments of your time? I heard you are attending the premiere of ‘The Bone Flute’ in Cannes this weekend, am I right?” The man on the other end of the line sounded like a reporter, voice low but speaking relatively fast.

_You’ve never been called by reporters before, why now?_

“Why would you want my time right now? You could also attend the premiere and ask me in person. It would be better, I think.” Hoseok furiously tried to remember what the media team had told him back then, but it was so long ago, that he simply trusted his feeling of slight dread.

“Sure, that was my second option, but I’ve seen your other productions and thought I would call first before asking you on the red carpet, Mr. Lee.” There it was. He had thought about it, especially after producing so many videos to make money during the past few months. Swallowing, he closed his eyes and pressed the phone to his right ear.

“Ah, but they don’t have anything to do with the movie, so I won’t answer questions concerning those. You must’ve bought access, Mr. Miller. Thank you,” Hoseok replied and licked over his lips. It might have been different if the reporter hadn’t tried to make him feel inferior because of what he did. He hated it. “You can also tell your colleagues that I really won’t answer any questions about my private matters during the premiere because it’s not the right occasion. I also won’t be embarrassed if you anticipate it by any chance. But if you really want to know more or have questions about my videos, we can talk another time, independent of ‘The Bone Flute’ which is by the way an amazing movie. You can watch it and write an article about how my performance differs compared to the usual formats I film.” The line was quiet until the reporter cleared his throat. The other man probably didn’t expect him to answer in such a manner, but Hoseok also didn’t really care. Thanking Mr. Miller for his efforts, Hoseok hung up and stared at his emails, recognizing the one where his company had warned him about a press inquiry.

_You just have to keep it under wraps until the movie is out. This is what they told you back then._

He turned around and looked at his suitcase that only contained the perfectly folded suit and a pair of expensive leather shoes, his only real expenses over the past few months. He had a lot on his mind as he packed, but no matter what he thought about, his head continuously found a way to get back to those memories of big, brown eyes looking at him with the kind of longing that Hoseok knew all too well.

 _Does he also think of you, as he packs his things somewhere on the other end of the world?_  
  


***

The sun was already setting, red light filtering in through the small room that Hyungwon had rented for two weeks. It was located at the edge of a tiny village, close to the sea and perfect for the next movie he wanted to film. The plot was set and so was the location, somewhere close to the sea. The longer Hyungwon stayed in Europe the more his fascination grew with places nobody really talked about. He loved the hay roofs and the spacious houses, children jumping on trampolines outside, laughing loudly.

It felt peaceful and he had enjoyed the past two weeks immensely. He thought about what living in the middle of nowhere, far from the city and the people who knew him might feel like. Kihyun hadn't visited, too busy with a side project in the US that he had taken on for the time that Hyungwon explored Scandinavia.

His suitcase was already packed, suits and his few belongings arranged carefully and prepared for his flight in a few hours, to Cannes for the premiere of ‘The Bone Flute’.

Months had passed and he had been successful in focusing on his thoughts, on the parallel reality that took place inside his mind, telling him stories that needed to escape and be told. He was proud of himself for deleting everybody's contact information and changing his phone number just to be sure. It was reasonable after all. He had left Vienna, what was the point of an Austrian phone number? Currently he didn't even bother with a number, he only talked over the internet and the American number he kept in case his parents wanted to talk, or his birth mother dared to write to him. It wasn't often, but he wanted to be able to receive it when she did.

He had been surprised that there were no major articles about Hoseok apart from excitement after the trailer and the plot were released. Hoseok was a new face, a particularly young one on top of that and it was clear that the attention would be all his.

_Are you even ready to see him?_

Hyungwon didn't know. Only a few months had passed and years hadn't been enough to get rid of most of his memories and hurt from before. His time with Hoseok hadn't been as long or as painful, but he still valued it, still looked forward to seeing the beautiful younger man. He shouldn't have, but he did. Time had passed, but not enough to stop caring. It felt like he was fine, living in his scenarios and the stories he invented, but as soon as their eyes met it could be very different.

_But the ending won't be, so you have to be careful._

Hyungwon didn't care much about movie premiers. The film was finished and so was the chapter, his mind was already somewhere else, thinking about the actors he needed for his next work. He only wished Hoseok’s face would stop appearing in front of his inner eye.

_Because you never take the same actor more than once. Not since then._

Sighing, he grabbed the zipper and closed the suitcase, enjoying the pleasant sound that the action created. The buzzing sounded final even though he knew that he was going to return to the village, return with a filming team and actors, finishing another chapter of his life and his mind. Hyungwon worked anti-chronologically, he started with the most recent and moved back, cleaning his mind like a page stained with ink.

He couldn't help the unusual attachment he felt towards every sound in the old home, the screeching of the door to his room, the creaking of the stairs and the whistling of the wind through the kitchen window that never closed properly. Maybe his mind already knew more than he did, aware of what was to come before he was.

After all he wasn't going to return if there was no need to erase the memory.

_

His head already hurt from the rapid shutters and the sounds of mumbling in the back. The three art house reporters that managed to get a private interview were tiring and good enough to find certain patterns in his works, patterns that Hyungwon neither wanted to talk about, nor be reminded off. He had expertly avoided meeting Hoseok and Marlene as they were supposed to be interviewed together and Hyungwon had left the hotel as quickly as he was able to.

There wasn't much to worry about because Marlene was used to it, she knew how the industry worked and which questions they could ignore if they wanted to. If Hoseok was nervous, the older actress would compensate and there was no need for Hyungwon to meet them before the actual premiere.

_You're only scared._

He didn't mind admitting it. He was, he was scared because he couldn't tell how he would react or how he would feel as soon as his eyes fell on Hoseok’s dark eyes and curved lips. He couldn't anticipate whether the burning and fluttering in his chest would return, or if there would be nothing, just like he wanted it to be. As long as he didn't see the younger man, he could pretend that everything was fine and that he hadn't thought about him over the past months. There was only the movie and their professional relationship that they were going to end today, as soon as the credits rolled and the movie was over.

Hyungwon hurried to the stylists and didn't bother to talk to them as his suit was perfected and makeup was applied to cover how tired he was. His hair was styled up, making him look older and more serious. He preferred it for premieres and his general appearances in front of the public. There was nothing he hated more than not being taken seriously because he looked young with his big eyes and plump mouth.

“The suit you chose is perfect for the occasion, director,” the lady that placed a beautiful handkerchief into the chest pocket of his suit jacket commented and smiled at him, front teeth a little crooked. It was charming, so Hyungwon smiled back before turning around and making his way to the parking lot. The car was prepared and he had asked for the actors to arrive together. It looked better and gave him peace of mind. He wanted to see Hoseok after all official photos.

_Because you don't want them to be able to tell when your face changes._

The car was comfortable and German as far as he could tell. It was spacious in the back and he focused on the details and the face of the driver to get rid of his nervousness. Premiers were what he disliked the most. He encountered an excessive amount of people, fans of his films, fans of his actors and the press that attempted to make money off his words. Hyungwon didn't care about all those people. He was creating movies before any of them gave a single shit and he was going to continue when they stopped giving a shit. He only needed the few passionate individuals that gave him money for his ideas, no more no less.

_But those people want money back, so here you are._

He took a few calming breaths when he got the second signal, indicating that he was supposed to get out of the car in a minute. His heartbeat was deafening in his ears, but it was only a matter of time until it was going to be silenced by the loud camera shutters, yelling movie fans and reporters announcing his arrival. His movie wasn't the only one being shown, it was Cannes after all, but Marlene had a lot of fans of her own and a premiere was something special.

Hyungwon couldn't help but think of Hoseok and how the younger man would feel with the crush of people around, trying to get a glimpse of him, screaming at him that he was attractive and to please turn to the side for a better photo.

_It might overwhelm him._

A sudden cloud of regret took over his chest, the thought that he should have talked to Hoseok before, in private to prepare him and make him feel at ease. He had been irresponsible because of his own feelings, abandoning his job as a director.

The opening door pulled him out of it as he plastered his usual expression on his face and stepped out of the car, meeting a sea of yelling people, cameras and fake smiles.

He couldn't help the desire to return to what he loved, a thick lens between him and the outside world.

Hyungwon's steps were steady and calculated, every motion choreographed from the previous times he had been to premieres. He smiled briefly for a few pictures and waved or nodded at the people waiting at the sides. He doubted that he was the one that most people came to see. It was either Marlene or Hoseok’s face, new and exciting for cinema fans. The younger man might be a role model for many, cast while delivering food. The story was already known to everybody and Hyungwon hoped Hoseok wasn't going to grow tired of it.

_You keep thinking about him._

It had been easier before, when he knew that there was no way for them to meet. Only when he encountered a painting by Klimt, looked through scenes during post production or encountered a mask or a cappuccino did he think of the younger man.

_You thought about him all the time._

Hyungwon swallowed and stepped in front of the wall of reporters, smiling for the pictures for as little time as he could allow himself without being rude. Reporters smiled and asked him about his feelings, microphone placed right under his nose without as much as a few seconds to breathe.

“I'm excited to see the finished product,” he replied calmly and glanced to the side, worried that he was taking to long and might end up seeing Hoseok and Marlene. He didn't want to, not in front of the cameras and the reporters, furiously taking photographs.

“Everybody is excited to meet the actor you have recruited. Is it true that you switched during the second week of filming? Casting an acting school junior who was delivering take out?”

Hyungwon pursed his lips to not reveal how annoyed he was by the question. There was no point in confirming something that had been asked more than fifteen times and confirmed repeatedly already.

“Yes and I have not even once regretted casting him. There couldn't have been a better Benjamin.” His bottom lip trembled briefly, the result of thinking about Hoseok and regret in the same sentence. Hyungwon didn't regret leaving, he didn't and there was no point because there hadn't been an alternative to leaving. It was pointless, fucking pointless and the reporter in front of him wasn't making it easier, taking his time and watching him intently.

“I'm sure all of us are excited to see Hoseok Lee in the film, especially since you speak so highly of him, Mr. Chae. Since the actors will be joining us shortly, can I ask for a group picture?” The reporter smiled his fake smile again, changing the hand that held onto the microphone and gestured towards the spot where Hyungwon had stood for the pictures.

His eyes immediately settled on a couple, Marlene, easy to recognize with her bright blonde hair and ivory dress, as if she was purposefully duplicating her image in the movie. Pearls were covering her neck and decorated her ears. She wore the same bright red lipstick as she had on the day Hyungwon cast her, at the New Year's eve gala. Back then he had wanted to cross the distance and wipe the lipstick off her face, to make her look like Marie, the way she had been in his head. It didn't matter anymore, not now when the chapter was over and done with.

His chest hurt and he swallowed, but he wasn't able to keep his eyes on the familiar actress. They immediately jumped to the side, focusing on the black-haired man next to her. He was even broader than Hyungwon remembered him to be, gorgeous, tailored suit hugging his body perfectly, almost like a second skin. Hoseok looked so different, red lips and pale skin contrasting with the raven-black hair and his dark eyes. Hyungwon's chest constricted and didn't allow the air to leave his lungs, hands trembling and eyes widening at the sight. He didn't want to react, not on the red carpet, surrounded by cameras and reporters that wanted to catch every twitch on his face, every angle and every bit of personal information they were able to pull out of him.

He bit down on his tongue, forcefully enough to bleed and fill his mouth with the taste of iron, clouding his senses. But it wasn't enough, not enough to cover the furious beating of his heart, the fluttering sensation in the pit of his stomach, the forgotten desire to reach out and embrace the man in front of him. His eyes burned as the seconds ticked on, gaze unable to break with the sight in front of him, the familiar features of Hoseok’s face, the way it had felt under his fingertips and the genuine expressions the younger man had allowed him to see.

Hyungwon was standing there, frozen on the red carpet and feeling exactly the same way he had months ago. Because nothing had changed, nothing at all.

_You're still in love with him, Hyungwon._


	15. 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Are you saying that- you basically sold yourself to see me?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last two chapters on the 3rd of May at 2 PM CET.  
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He felt like a foreign entity next to Marlene. Not because the older actress made him uncomfortable, but because she was so authentic and natural, whereas he had to focus all of his attention to not fuck up. His tailored suit fit perfectly, but he still felt strange, as if he wasn’t supposed to get so much attention, so many questions and so many shaken gazes full of wonder and admiration. There was nothing special about him and he knew it, but the crowd that came together for the red carpet didn’t seem to share his point of view. There were so many flashes that he could barely see the reporter’s faces who kept giving him instructions to smile or to turn to the side. He did. Hoseok did all that was asked of him and held his arm in place for Marlene to hold on to just like he was supposed to.

_You still haven’t seen him._

There were so many interviews and he couldn’t believe that he wasn’t able to meet the director. It almost seemed as if Hyungwon didn’t want to see him, even purposefully avoided him.

_He probably thinks that you will cling to him. That’s why he got rid of his number._

His thoughts made sense, they really did, but he wasn’t someone to give up. Not like this.

The clicking of the cameras continued and they were asked to move further to take a picture with someone else. His eyes turned away from the flashes and he was still blinded while trying to focus his gaze on the person who was standing on the side and probably waiting for them. There he stood, just like a movie scene, probably just as the director had said it would be, the familiar plotlines, the threads of behaviour and perception that were portrayed so often that he wasn’t sure that it was his own feelings, so obvious that it appeared laughable and fake.

_It’s him._

And so it was, a tall figure, dressed in a black suit, brown hair, big brown eyes and full lips parted in an expression Hoseok hadn’t seen before. His skin tingled and his stomach made a turn while he stared at the gorgeous, tall man, the hero of his dreams, the love that he had been searching for and finally found, the big hand that stroked his head and the low voice that told him that it was okay. Hoseok loved him. He loved everything about him and the real person that stood only a few meters away from him enhanced his feelings like gas that was poured onto a fire burning everything in its proximity.

He couldn’t take his eyes off Hyungwon, attempting to suck in every detail, the folds in the tailored suit, the tiny cracks in his moist lips, the way his golden skin shone in the lights of the flashing cameras, precious and unreal. Marlene pinched him, but he didn’t move a single inch. How was he supposed to move if he was there? How was he supposed to do anything if his eyes were supposed to look at Hyungwon only, they were made to look at Hyungwon only. At the beautiful eyes that stared right into his. He forgot to breathe and something told him that the director didn’t breathe either. There was nothing that he could do.

And so it was. A short story, no love, no glory and no hero that ran into his arms. There were only camera flashes and him who couldn’t take his eyes off the beautiful man. The man that he loved more than anything else, and the knowledge that forced his insides to turn. The pinch got painful and he swallowed before turning to the actress. Her face looked slightly terrified, he didn’t know how much time passed, but it must’ve been obvious.

_You will make it difficult for him. You’re not here to make his life difficult, Hoseok._

Clearing his throat, he stepped closer, forcing a nice smile on his face, knowing that the director would immediately recognize it and make conclusions. He couldn’t do more, not with how he had fucked everything that he learned and stared at the stunning brown-haired man just now. He let Marlene nod at the other man before nodding himself and turning to the cameras. His mind was racing and he had no idea what he was supposed to do. After the reporters were satisfied they moved into the building. Hyungwon didn't say a single word, only nodding at Marlene and smiling at the cameras. It wasn't a real smile, Hoseok knew it too well. The way the brown-haired man's eyes barely changed, mouth corners twitching upwards like they were mocking genuine happiness.

Once they moved past the crowds and arrived at a big hall with small white tables and Champagne, Marlene pulled him over to one that was a little further away from the other guests that continued to arrive.

“Well, that was awkward,” she whispered and downed a whole glass of Champagne. He didn’t answer and lifted his hand to ruffle his hair, but realized in time and let it fall back to his side.

“My brain stopped working, I’m sorry. I guess I got tired from all the interviews, I should’ve let Minhyuk talk me to sleep every day.” He smiled at the older woman and took a sip of Champagne, scared to look to the side.

_What if you lose you shit again?_

“Mmh,” Marlene hummed, but it didn't sound like she believed a single word of it. “You've been doing pretty well until just now. Maybe you should consider more Champagne.”

The murmuring around them was loud, guests talking and discussing the upcoming movie, him and Marlene and how much they liked the offered drinks.

Suddenly a glass of Champagne touched his briefly, creating a beautiful sound as a tall person dressed in an expensive suit joined them at the table. Hoseok didn't need to look up from his glass to know who it was. What he definitely needed was more Champagne, so he took a big gulp, before looking up.

“Long time no see,” he said, lifting his gaze and recognizing the familiar big, brown eyes. The sight forced a painful sensation in his lungs and it wasn’t because they hadn’t seen each other for such a long time. It was because Hyungwon was here, right in front of him, beautiful and everything he had ever wanted, but he wasn’t his.

“It feels like an eternity now,” the beautiful low voice replied and it seemed like there was nobody else in the room, only them, standing at a small table and looking at each other again. But there wasn't as much honesty in Hyungwon's face this time, like he deliberately tried to hide, to wear a mask for his emotions.

“Does it? There must have been a lot of things happening for you to think that,” Hoseok replied and chuckled, glancing into his glass and watching the tiny bubbles escape the golden liquid. “It feels as it we saw each other yesterday. Some things in life may change and some things do stay the same. Time, it’s always time on my mind,” he murmured, more addressed to himself than to the tall man next to him.

_Because you’ve been waiting. Waiting until you could see him again. All this time it was nothing but waiting._

“For somebody your age time should have been your least concern,” Hyungwon replied and the grip on his glass tightened, fingers turning paler. He almost laughed out loud, but caught himself in time, not wanting to attract any attention.

“Did you suddenly manage to get twenty years older during those five months, Mr. Chae?” Sighing, he drank the rest of his Champagne and tried to loosen the tense expression on his face. “I have a goal, so time matters a lot. And of course money.”

“Money always matters, you should know how much this stupid dress cost,” Marlene remarked, causing the director to look up and meet her gaze. There was a spark of surprise, like he hadn't been aware of her presence, not really at least. “It's a pleasure to see you again, director. I cannot wait to experience the final product.”

“You will be surprised by your own performance, I believe.” Hyungwon smiled, but it still didn't do justice to Hoseok’s memory, to the way the plump lips spread and created puffy cheeks, making the man next to him appear ethereal and several years younger.

“Can’t wait,” he said, but he didn’t really look forward to the movie, it would’ve only made it worse, his memories, every scene, Hyungwon’s eyes, his lips, his face, dissatisfied, concentrating, unsure, a hint of a smile, satisfied, ‘cut’. He knew it by heart and he didn’t need to watch himself act to see the other man’s face in front of his inner eye, so much better than any movie there could be. “Where are you now? Do you have a new project?”

“I'm nowhere at the moment, here to be honest. I have just left Denmark after exploring for my new movie. There is no definite place I am going next. I will probably buy my plane ticket tonight or tomorrow morning after a few moments of contemplation. How about you, Hoseok? What changed for you?” The director lifted his index finger and drew circles along the edge of the glass. The brown-haired man didn't meet his eyes while doing so, upper body resting on his elbows.

“You know what, boys? I'll go look for my husband and both of you can happily catch up. Tell me all the exciting things later, Hoseok, alright?” Marlene winked at him and blew the director a kiss before grabbing her empty glass of Champagne and replacing it with a full one before running off. She must have read the atmosphere.

“What changed? Everything and nothing. I mean- you must at least have an idea where you're going to go, don't you?” The other man's answer had left him dissatisfied and he sighed, lifting his gaze and watching the director closely.

“You seem very interested in my next destination, but I have to disappoint you. I have the idea, but not the actors and that means I might have to explore some more. Furthermore, the idea might change depending on what happens at the premiere today. Maybe I will have to change my style, who knows?” Hyungwon chuckled and brushed through his styled hair carefully, pink tongue licking over his red lips. He was gorgeous and Hoseok had trouble breathing just from looking at the other man's face.

“It comes from being interested in you in general,” he murmured. Somehow the director managed to make him angry too. He  expected that the other man might have moved on, but the nonchalance was like a slap in the face. “I hope that you'll find suitable actors and a nice place to film. I'm glad that you have something new in mind.”

“It's not perfectly new,” the tall man commented and pulled his lips together, brown eyes finally meeting his. It felt intense after Hyungwon had continuously avoided them throughout their conversation. “My mind keeps telling me that one of the actors should be you.”

_What?_

He just stared. He had expected a lot of things from Hyungwon, but the director mentioning him as a part of a possible cast had never been on the list of his expectations.

“What? Why would your mind tell you something like that?” he asked straight out,  gaze fixed on the other man's gorgeous face.

“Because it likes to think about you in general.” The reply was barely more than a whisper as Hyungwon lifted his glass to his lips and emptied it, placing it on the tray that one of the waiters carried around. “It always depends on what I want to show, I told you before. But I will understand if you decline, I haven't even asked you properly. I don't even know why I told you.”

“You don't know why you told me? You planned on showing me your press smile that looks like the pitiful grey cousin of what I know that you're capable of the whole evening and then go back to ‘I haven't decided where yet and I won't tell you either’?” Hoseok hissed and leaned a tiny bit closer, not close enough to gain attention, but close enough to see every twitch on the other man's face.

“I- I planned on staying distant if that's what you mean. It was my first thought, but I wasn't sure what meeting you would be like.” The brown-haired man broke eye contact and sighed before reaching out to get a new drink. “You've always been good at changing my plans somehow. I'm still trying to get used to the new hair colour. But I'm not lying to you, I haven't decided where I want to go yet.”

He was angry, but there was still something calming about it. The fact that Hyungwon stayed the same with the same attitude, desperately trying to hide his feelings and thoughts. The director didn't know that he’d changed during those months, it wasn't only his hair colour.

“I didn't even know anything about your plans because you preferred to act as if I don't exist,” he said, teeth settling on his lower lip and hand reaching for his hair, before simply brushing it behind his ear skilfully. He would have never let the other man leave if Hyungwon had told him that there would be no opportunity to keep in touch. “Are you- happy, Hyungwon?” he asked, unwilling to watch the fake smile on the beautiful man's face and staring into his empty glass.

“I thought it would be easier for both of us. It's harder to be separated when there are reminders and-” The other man swallowed and glanced up, Adam’s apple bobbing. “I was convinced that it's better for both of us. I'm never happy, so the question is meaningless to me, Hoseok.”

“First of all, thank you so much for deciding for both of us, it was so nice of you and everything I've ever wanted. Not. And second, you're never happy? You're a liar. I'm pretty sure I've seen you happy and I'm looking forward to seeing it again,” he whispered and looked up, gaze meeting the other man's and grabbing a glass from a passing tray.

“My art sucks when I'm happy,” Hyungwon replied and shrugged. “I've been pretty good at avoiding it for years. Don't see a way for that to change anytime soon. Not without problems for both of us.” Hoseok had expected a similar response, but the brown-haired man seemed way less affectionate than during the last time they met. The time apart must've really done a lot.

_You're just torturing yourself. It's not the best place to talk anyway._

“Oh, really? Well then.” He downed his Champagne and brushed his black bangs back before nodding and looking around to find a place he could escape to.

“Wait- Hoseok, don't-”

“Good evening, gentleman.” Hyungwon was interrupted by an elderly man with an unpleasantly bright smile that stepped in front of them and had a man with a camera standing behind him. “Congratulations on ‘The Bone Flute’ finally premiering. May I ask a few questions?”

_Depends._

“Sure, please feel free.” Hoseok nodded and watched the reporter closely.

“I've been wondering what it was like to work together after such a rather unusual meeting. Mr. Chae, you are known to be rather specific about your actors, especially after your first movie, so what was the motivation for casting Mr. Lee?” There was something worrisome about the way the reporter switched his gaze to Hyungwon and the way the older man's eyebrow twitched at the mention of his first movie. He looked very uncomfortable.

“He was perfect for the role,” the director replied quickly and fumbled with his glass.

“But what exactly made him perfect for the role? I see that there are a few similarities to previous casting choices and was curious whether the reasons are the same.” Hoseok had no idea what the reporter was talking about, but it couldn't have been anything good judging by how Hyungwon’s lips disappeared in his mouth and he exhaled through his nose.

“No.”

The question wasn't for him but it made him so fucking angry that he had to say something too.

“But how is it relevant for you whether I was cast in a supermarket or through an agency? You can watch the movie and write a review about my performance and your view on the casting choice, there is literally no value in finding out why and for what reasons Mr. Chae cast me. Honestly, the Chinese food I delivered was really good, so I guess that was the reason. Please watch the movie, this evening is about the premiere.” Smiling brightly and absolutely at odds to his words, Hoseok stepped a little closer to the reporter, staring right into the camera that he had learned to find while working with Hyungwon.

“Oh, I understand, Mr. Lee, and I am excited to see the movie. However, the fans present and critics are curious about the making of the film and little stories that were involved. I'm sure you can understand the desire to know more. I was merely curious whether your rather unique hobby had anything to do with the casting choice.” The reporter smiled back and widened his eyes in an unpleasant way, like he only waited for a reaction of surprise or discomfort.

_God, they never listen, do they?_

“No, I told the media team pretty late, so the whole production team didn't know until the late stages of filming. But I did tell one of your colleagues that I won’t talk about my other productions here because this occasion is completely reserved for ‘The Bone Flute’, but please feel free to contact me after that, I might answer your questions.” Again, he smiled and nodded even though he wanted to hit the guy for making Hyungwon uncomfortable.

His answer surprised the reporter as his hand lowered a little, like he didn't want the microphone to catch their conversation anymore. The unpleasant gaze moved to Hyungwon, but the director must have looked just as emotionless and bored as he always did.

“What is your opinion on such productions, Mr. Chae?” the man tried.

“I witnessed his rather fascinating rendition of Faust, but I wasn't aware of that skill when casting him. I'm sure you will see a similar professionalism on screen today. Now, if you will excuse us.” Hyungwon's words were perfectly polite, but he didn't bother to smile, gesturing for Hoseok to follow him instead. Once there was enough distance between them, the taller man released a shaky breath. “Asshole.”

“Yup. Especially persistent asshole.” He grinned and would've curled his fingers around Hyungwon's shoulder, but they were among actors and press and he also didn't know if he was allowed to. So much time had passed and even though for him it had been filled with thoughts about Hyungwon, he didn't know whether it was the same for the tall director. He was distant. Hyungwon was.

_If there's a thick wall then there's not much you can do._

***

The sounds of the crowd were muted by his heartbeat and the sound of Hoseok’s voice, low and pleasant, difficult to interpret. Hyungwon didn't know if too much time had past or if he had attempted to forget the skill to read the now black-haired man's emotions. Reading people was one of the abilities he was proud of and it fit perfectly to his knowledge of how to act in various situations. Both had abandoned him.

_You have no idea what to do. You were worried that the feelings would remain but you didn't prepare yourself for what you would do._

There wasn't anything he could do, not now and not in general, but it took so much strength to pretend to the outside that he was nonchalant. Hyungwon had no idea why he even told Hoseok he wanted him in his next movie. It had been a blackout in his mind, the sudden desire to have the younger man close, even if it was professionally.

_Why would you act on it? You know that it'll be exactly the same game all over again._

They would be close, sleep with each over, kiss and be affectionate and at the end of the movie Hyungwon was going to leave again.

_And he might be miserable the whole time because he's not back home._

His head hurt and he wanted to tell everybody to leave him alone, somewhere dark and empty. Then his inside could have tried to fit the outside instead of the whirlwind of emotions that plagued him. Whenever he tried to predict the future, the same burning returned to his chest that he had attempted to forget. He shouldn't have come to the premiere. He could have pretended that he was okay then, that he didn't care, that he didn't want to have Hoseok next to him.

Hyungwon was glad that the persistent reporter hadn't listened to their prior conversation, to his revelation that he was considering casting Hoseok again. The unpleasant man would have immediately connected it to his past, to his first few movies, always staring the same person. The man he had been running away from for several years now.

_It never ends, does it?_

His hands were still trembling even when they had moved far away and were mostly surrounded by groups of people that talked among themselves. Nobody tried to talk to them, maybe it was the knowledge that Hyungwon disliked too much conversation and meeting random people that weren't relevant to him. It was unfortunate that Hoseok was pulled into the same negative light. The black haired man could have benefited greatly from getting to know the various directors and actors present, but Hyungwon was being selfish, keeping him around.

“I apologise,” he murmured and considered drinking another glass of Champagne. The hope remained that feeling tipsy could take the pressure off his chest.

_Or, it'll make you act stupid and touch him even though you shouldn't._

“You should be networking, but I can't let you go.” Why was acting nonchalant so difficult suddenly? It had been so easy, no matter who it was. The man with raven-black hair turned to him and watched him for a few moments before his curved lips moved and he replied.

“I don’t want to network. I’m only here because I wanted to see you.”

Hyungwon's eyes widened involuntarily and he took another glass of Champagne after all. Suddenly it felt like he needed it.

“You only came to see me? But- it's your debut movie, it's your opportunity to prove yourself, to establish your skill and be acknowledged as an actor, even for the stage. So... why?” He gulped down half of the glass and fumbled around with it. The conversation was making him nervous because Hoseok’s words meant the sole goal of coming had been him.

_But what does he want with you? Even if both of you still feel the same, nothing about your situation changed._

“The movie doesn’t mean anything to me, and fame doesn’t either. I’m here because I hoped that you would come. I could say that I’m sorry, but I’m not.” Hoseok reached for the drinks and took an orange juice, sipping on it as if it was the best Champagne. “Remember when I told you that you’re a flower and I can’t pick you? I changed my mind.”

_He changed his mind?_

Hyungwon pressed his lips together and returned his attention to the bubbling liquid in his glass. It was safer than revealing everything he thought about the other man, the burning in his chest and the desire to touch him all at once. He couldn't tell how much was visible on his face and he couldn't risk it, not at the premiere in front of all these people.

“What do you mean? You decided that I'm not a flower?”

_You're not, you've never been a fucking flower._

“You are. But you’re more an orchid than a tulip, you know?” A gorgeous smile appeared on Hoseok’s face, almost illuminating the other man’s face with how bright it was. Hyungwon couldn't help the way a smile of his own pulled at the corners of his mouth.

“You mean picky, hates too much water and requires the right amount of sunshine? Orchids have a perfect spot to be taken care of, but I don't. There is no such place for me, Hoseok,” he replied and emptied the rest of his Champagne. This was enough for the evening. Any more and he would do something stupid, even more stupid than talking to the man he was still in love with.

The smile didn’t leave the beautiful face as Hoseok continued sipping on his orange juice. Licking over his lips, the black-haired man tilted his head and attempted to catch his gaze until the black eyes finally settled on his.

“It’s me. I’m the place,” he whispered.

Hyungwon's eyebrows shot upwards, surprised to see that Hoseok, somebody who had shown perfect understanding of their situation had suddenly changed his mind.

_How can he believe that it will work?_

“But a place stands still, Hoseok. And I- I never do,” he whispered, but his hands had begun to shake again. The younger man shouldn't have told him, not now and not at the premiere. He had no time to prepare, to seem nonchalant, to pretend that he didn't care.

_You care too much, but don't show it, Hyungwon._

His eyes burned and he wanted to punch the black-haired man for making him feel that way, for making him feel vulnerable and dependent. He hated himself for wanting to ditch everything and just step into the embrace he naively expected to be there. He had dated an actor once, it was enough. Hyungwon didn't need anyone.

“You don’t need to stand still. I’ll be your tree and you can attach yourself to me like an orchid. But- enough flower talk, what have you been up to while I almost died missing you?” The younger man stepped closer and he could recognize how his body had changed over the past few months. His shoulders seemed broader and the difference between his waist and his shoulders was huge. Hoseok looked stunning and more mature.

“I tried to distract myself,” Hyungwon replied and blinked rapidly to get rid of the burning of collecting tears. He didn't dare look Hoseok in the eyes, not after falling under their spell on the red carpet. There had been no control involved, none at all when he stared and couldn't breathe, forgetting himself and everything that was around them. “I thought it worked until I came here.”

A nod followed by Hoseok’s curved, smiling lips was his reply and he could feel the black eyes on his face.

“Marlene told me that I’m sitting next to you at the premiere, isn’t that nice?”

_Of course he is, he's the lead actor. How could you forget?_

“Are you mocking me? How do you expect me to remain composed if you're sitting next to me? You look stunning and as if you have been preparing to crush me with your bare hands.” He swallowed after his own verbal diarrhoea and massaged his temples.

“Mocking you? No. I did work out, I don’t know if you see the difference, but there is definitely enough to show you. To be honest, I never expected you to be composed, that’s your expectation towards yourself and I have nothing to say on this matter apart from the fact that I don’t like it. I’m only trying to make you understand that there is no way I will let you go.” Again, the raven-black hair appeared in his sight and Hoseok leaned down a bit to catch his gaze.

Hyungwon gasped like an idiot, holding the younger man's gaze like when he met him for the first time, unable to help it.

“But how do you plan on holding onto me?” he asked quietly as the group moved past them into the theatre.

“Why would you care about the plan? Just let me. That’s all,” the pleasant, low voice whispered into his ear as Hoseok leaned in and clinked their glasses. “Please.” The warm air brushed over the skin of his cheek and the black-haired man moved back, beckoning him over and pointing at the crowd that disappeared in the theatre. “And now let’s look at the product of your genius mind.”

Hyungwon didn't know what to expect, but he knew that he wanted to give in, more so than he had ever wanted to before.

 

***

His situation reminded him of the story about the three little pigs, just that he was the wolf, meeting the anxious piglet after half a year at a movie premiere. Hyungwon looked confused, emotional, unsure, startled. He couldn't tell for sure what it was, but he knew that it must've been because of him.

_He didn't expect you to take the initiative, did he?_

The thought forced a smile to his lips while he thought about his training to get rid of airplane anxiety and the countless filming sessions to make money. There was nothing he couldn't do if there was a goal he was trying to reach. Hyungwon was his goal and he prepared everything to hold onto the beautiful brown-haired man who sat down next to him and kept chewing his cheek throughout the introduction. The atmosphere was awkward until the lights turned off and the movie started.

He counted to ten before covering his lap and partially Hyungwon's thigh with his suit jacket as he spread his legs and let his fingers stroke over his own thigh, brushing the side of Hyungwon's cool hand in the process. There was an immediate twitch in the long fingers as the director straightened his back and crossed his legs. Despite the change in posture Hyungwon’s hand remained in place. Hoseok watched what happened on the big screen while his fingers made their way over Hyungwon's big hand, caressing and tracing each finger. He loved the feeling, delighted in it. He wanted to do so much more.

The director’s face remained static, lips pressed together and eyes focused on the screen. There was no switch, no matter what happened in front of them, which was the perfect indicator that Hyungwon wasn’t paying attention. The other man’s big hands were placed on his thigh and only moved slightly, sliding along the fabric of his suit pants towards Hoseok’s, remaining close to the connection between their seats. It was the first time that Hyungwon reached out to him instead of hiding his desires.

He smiled to himself and simply took Hyungwon's hand, intertwining their fingers and pulling it on top of his thigh while keeping it covered by his suit jacket. His thumb rubbed gentle circles into the other man's palm. He felt the tremble that passed through Hyungwon’s body, fingers curling up briefly before they relaxed again. For a brief moment the taller man’s eyes glanced to the side, examining his face and profile. It lasted for only a few seconds until the big, brown orbs returned to the screen, pretending that nothing happened between them.

“I’m sure you’ve always dreamt of seeing yourself sleep with somebody on screen,” Marlene commented next to him and giggled quietly, leaning towards her husband who was seated next to her. She didn’t seem aware of what was happening between them. It was dark and he had covered his lap.

“Mhm, my mom would be proud of me... if she knew.” Grinning, Hoseok winked at Marlene and continued stroking over Hyungwon's hand that he kept on top of his thigh. His exchange with the older actress must have made the other man uncomfortable as the muscles in his hand tensed up, freezing in place despite Hoseok’s sensual caresses.

“You didn’t tell her? Why not? You might be famous now,” Marlene added and turned towards him. He couldn’t quite tell her facial expression, but she looked surprised.

“We don't talk much, but my best friend calls her on my birthday. I don't care about fame, so there's no point,” he whispered to not distract the people around them.

“Mmh,” Marlene replied and returned her attention to the screen. She obviously wanted to know more, but decided not to ask in the middle of the film. Once the actress stopped paying attention to him, the big hand turned in his palm and squeezed his briefly. Hyungwon was looking at him and mouthed ‘why?’.

There was no point in lying, so he turned to the other man's dazzling face that was illuminated by the different colours of the scenes shown on the big screen.

‘I'm an orphan,’ he mouthed back, lips moving extensively. ‘I was adopted when I was twelve.’

Instead of the typical expression of shock or pity that Hoseok was oh so used to, there was only a brief smile on the other man's face and he nodded. Licking over his lips briefly, Hyungwon attempted to reply, annunciating carefully with his plump lips.

‘Me too,’ the beautiful man mouthed and returned his attention to the screen, big hand tightening its grip on his.

_He too?_

His eyes widened and he stared for a few seconds before snapping out of it and returning his gaze to what was happening in front of them. A strange feeling accompanied him, the feeling of sudden belonging, a feeling of being able to share something he had never been able to share before. Sitting in a comfortable chair and watching a movie with him as the main character, he found himself sharing the most intimate weakness with the person next to him. The person he loved.

Hyungwon's thumb brushed over the back of his hand and drew meaningless patterns, first a circle, then something that resembled a bolt and finally a heart. At least it had felt like a heart. He smiled at that, even though it was untimely to the scene currently on the screen of him in bed with Marlene. He loosened his grip and stroked over Hyungwon's firm thigh. It felt really nice and he could vaguely remember what it felt like without fabric covering it.

The touch had been unexpected as the older man gasped and bit down on his tongue, suppressing the sound. Hyungwon shifted on his seat, removing the leg that he crossed over the other and leaving more space for Hoseok’s hand to explore. It must have been an invitation. Still, he watched the handsome face as he let his fingers draw long lines that continued until he could feel Hyungwon's bony knee. He stroked it in circles and let his hand travel up slowly, walking with his fingers along the length.

‘Careful’, Hyungwon mouthed suddenly and let his lips disappear, eyes moving quickly from Hoseok’s face to the actress sitting next to him. The director didn’t seem too concerned about Kihyun who was seated on his left side, gaze fixated on the screen. Hoseok nodded and removed his hand from the director’s leg, placing it on top of his own thigh and forced himself to concentrate on the well-edited movie.

Hyungwon’s shoulders relaxed, but instead of remaining motionless next to him, the brown-haired man decided to do a bit of exploring himself, long fingers sliding over the border between them and rubbing along the length of Hoseok’s thigh, stopping at the dips of his prominent muscles.

“Holy shit,” the older man whispered, turning towards him again. He really enjoyed the feeling of Hyungwon's big hand brushing over his thigh and his suit pants were thin enough to feel more with a little additional imagination. Grinning brightly, Hoseok winked at the handsome man and whispered his reply.

“You should see me naked. This is nothing.” He almost congratulated himself loudly for making everything sexual.

_It’s the way you thought. He has no idea about your change and he didn't watch any of your newly produced videos either._

_It's better for him that way._

“Psst,” Hyungwon hissed and squeezed his thigh once. Suddenly Kihyun turned towards them, one eyebrow raised and the glare was enough to take away the warmth of the older man’s hand from his thigh. The loss was regretful but the whole situation was beyond ridiculous, so he grinned while watching himself naked and stretched over twenty square meters. It was a new experience and the fact that Hyungwon had wanted this particular shot made him keep his smile.

“Nice shot,” he whispered before leaning back.

“Oh, shut up,” the director murmured, but there was a smile on his lips. It resembled the bright ones that Hoseok was familiar with and the knowledge that it still existed somewhere in the depths of the brown-haired man’s repertoire delighted him.

“Make me,” he whispered just as the credits started rolling and the theatre sunk into deafening applause.

Hyungwon stared at him, eyes dark and intense, insecurity wiped from them like meaningless scribbles on a whiteboard.

“And what will that change?” the older man asked quietly as the light turned back on and the applause continued.

_Why is it always everything or nothing for him? There's no such thing._

Marlene’s hand landed on Hoseok’s shoulder and she squeezed once, commenting something next to him that dissipated in the sounds surrounding them. The next few minutes were full of congratulatory messages, masses of hands to shake and smiles to give, it was exhausting because the only thing he had wanted to do was to grab Hyungwon and tell him that his point of view was crooked.

The director easily disappeared in the crowd. It must have been the advantage of possessing an affinity for being alone, the skill to escape the rush of people in a matter of seconds. Hoseok hadn’t even seen him leave with all the actors and famous people that squeezed his hand, smiled and told him that his performance had been superb, overwhelming for somebody who acted on screen for the first time. They praised Marlene for supporting him and the director for his good eye when it came to casting, but said director had magically dissipated into thin air.

“Have you seen Hyungwon?” Kihyun asked next to him after another actor that Hoseok only knew from TV shook his hand and told him how amazing he was. The assistant director had not even once spoken of Hyungwon by mentioning his first name, at least not in front of him.

“I haven't. I would call him, but I don't have his number. I'll go visit the restrooms, I'll tell you if I see him on the way,” he murmured in reply and excused himself, moving towards the restrooms that were located on the first floor.

“Maybe he’ll finally talk to you,” the older man remarked and turned towards the man that Hoseok had been talking to, entertaining him with something as he made his quick escape.

The decorations were extravagant, posters of his and Marlene’s faces covering the walls, glistening chandeliers above them, crystal tableware and velvet ribbons at every door. On his way up the stairs there were quotes stuck to the wall, some he recognized from the movie, but others must have been from other works of Hyungwon or somebody else, some that he wasn’t familiar with yet.

Once he reached the top of the stairs, he saw a familiar suit disappear around a corner, down a hallway that didn’t lead to the restrooms. His body moved faster than his mind and he closed the distance quickly, running around the corner and grabbing Hyungwon's slim wrist, turning him around.

The other man looked ready to punch him in the stomach before he paused, fist right in front of him in the air and eyes wide.

“Shit, Hoseok, I almost punched you!” he exclaimed and looked around quickly, eyes remaining the size of saucepans. “Did somebody see you come up here? You like plant metaphors so much, right? Those reporters are like weeds, growing everywhere and stealing the fucking air you breathe. God.”

He smiled brightly and lifted the other man's fist to his lips, pressing a soft kiss against his white knuckles.

“They're scary. No, nobody saw me. The question is only who you're more afraid of, the reporters, or me?”

“The reporters,” Hyungwon answered quickly and released a shaky breath. He must have really been worried about the journalists following him all the way to the first floor, to the restrooms even. The big eyes settled on his and the older man didn’t bother to remove his wrist from his grip. “I hate these events. I want to make movies and then not see anybody afterwards. I don’t see the point in the premiere unless I’m looking for a particular actor for my next movie. I also don’t make people sleep with me for roles, so they can stop trying. Because of this one time all of them assume that I sleep with my actors as soon as it is an attractive, single man that might also be gay! It’s tiring. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.”

Hoseok couldn't help but be surprised at Hyungwon's sudden willingness to talk. He looked around and identified a hallway that led somewhere far away from the main hall. Grabbing Hyungwon's wrist tighter, he pulled the gorgeous man behind him along the hallway until they reached a barely lit corner where Hoseok stopped and pressed the gorgeous man against the wall.

“So. Let's talk, now that we have some time for ourselves.”

Hyungwon’s eyes were wide, staring at him and his arms that made sure the taller man was kept flush against the wall. The expression stayed until one corner of his mouth twitched.

“I- can I take back what I said before? You’re scarier than the reporters,” he murmured, but there wasn’t as much bite in his words. “What would you like to talk about, now that you... made sure I cannot escape?”

“About your ‘nothing will change’ policy. About the fact that you just deleted me, as if I was some kind of file on your desktop you didn't need anymore and about the fact that one of us must be delusional in a way and I don't feel as if it's me.” Leaning closer, he exhaled against Hyungwon's mouth  and tilted his head.

“You think that I'm delusional?” the older man asked and laughed briefly. “I'm being realistic, Hoseok. I have experience with this, I've done it before. It ended in my inability to return to the US and my attempts to forget everything.” Mentioning the US visibly upset Hyungwon, revealing more hurt and bitterness than the director wanted him to see. “I didn't delete you, because if I did neither of us would be standing here.”

“I see that you're bitter about your past experiences. You told me you never left. So did this person leave? Awesome, because otherwise I probably wouldn't be standing here, ready to fight your bratty self,” Hoseok whispered and watched Hyungwon's face closely. The other man wasn't impressed by his display of strength, but he expected this. Hyungwon was different and he loved it.

“You're ready to fight ‘my bratty self’? What does that even mean, Hoseok? I would be bratty if I childishly expected you to be close to me only because I want you to, ripping you from your studies, your home, the things you love and care about. It would be bratty and selfish and not what I'm going to do. I'm going to figure out how to deal with this and stop feeling like I'm breaking into fucking chunks when I look into your eyes.” The older man's lips trembled and he looked away, pressing himself closer to the wall and inhaling sharply. He looked hurt, the way he had before he dropped to the ground and cried in his hotel room back in Hallstatt.

“I see I got adopted a second time, thank you sir for taking such good care of me while selflessly deciding on bullshit because you assumed that I need it. I don't need it, Hyungwon. I need you. Just- don't run away from me. Don't do it. Please don't do it,” he kept whispering the words while coming closer, lips almost touching Hyungwon plump ones.

The older man swallowed, hands subconsciously reaching out for his waist and holding onto it, big eyes meeting his. Hoseok almost had him. His fingertips were brushing over the beautiful man's clothes in an attempt to hold him as the other man’s mind looked for reasons to escape him.

“And then?” Hyungwon whispered.

“You need a plan? Really? Fine, I'll visit you, I will be good to you and make you happy while not expecting you to ditch your movies or your art. I saved a lot of money and I'll be able to come to you. I just need to know where you will be.” The next one was a sensitive one, so he made sure to word it carefully. “You don't need to date me, call me your boyfriend, tell the media and feel bad for hiding it if you don't. No ‘you don't have time for me’ complaints and no ridiculous demands. I just want to know where you are and as soon as you say stop coming,  I'll nod and leave you. I promise.”

Hyungwon's expression changed, eyes more serious and hands holding onto Hoseok’s suit jacket like he was about to dissipate into thin air.

“You’re not my slave that comes and goes as I desire, Hoseok. I don't want you to be a slave. I want-” The older man groaned and buried his face in the crook of his neck, hot breaths tickling his skin. The change was like a lever that Hoseok finally reached and was able to push, transforming the cold indifference into raw desperation and the desire to be close. “I want you to come to me, I do, a lot. I want it so much that I might not even go to Denmark anymore. I wanted to go to make a movie to forget, but- but I can't fucking do it if you're like this, Hoseok.”

“Don't make a movie to forget me, make a movie to forget the things that take you away from me. Please just... just let me love you. I don't want much, only this.” He reached for Hyungwon's face and brushed a loose strand behind the other man's gorgeously curled up ear, swallowing the wish to kiss it.

A tear fought its way past the beautiful man's defense and rolled down his cheek until others joined it, one by one.

“I want to,” Hyungwon whispered and his body shook with another wave of tears, nails digging painfully into Hoseok’s sides. “I really do, shit.” He watched the love of his life cry and fought with his own tears, cupping Hyungwon's gorgeous face and kissing it repeatedly.

“Shh, it will be fine, I will be so good to you, I swear. I had counselling and I can fly without having a mental breakdown and my homesickness is gone too. I even went to Hallstatt for a weekend by myself and took your room like a creep. There is nothing worse than missing you, I will make you happy, I promise. And if- if you don't want me anymore I won't be clingy, I'll be all grown up and wish you a nice life. I swear.” It was the first time that he begged so much in one go, but he couldn't let the gorgeous man go. Not like this.

Hyungwon's fingers caressed over his sides and travelled upwards until one palm reached his face, cupping it. His cheeks were red and tears continued to run down, but he was smiling a little, lips parted.

“Right now you're making me cry, fucker. You better try harder in the future,” he murmured and leaned in, closing the distance between their lips. He wanted to slap himself for the thought, but it felt like magic, like pink, glittery unicorn magic right between their lips. Their mouths touched carefully before they were trying to taste each other, to feel everything, tongues playing and exploring as if it was the first time, his hands on Hyungwon's slim waist, his narrow hips, his silky hair between his fingers. Hoseok was his.

“I can't believe you-” the older man began, but didn't bother to stop kissing him, mouths meeting hungrily and hands roaming his back without pausing, “did all this, going back on your own, saving money, getting counselling to fly. Have you completely lost it, Hoseok? Why would seeing me be worth all that? You haven't even seen most of me. You'll be terrified once I let go, shit. I'll be the one begging for you to stay.”

“I hate you. Stop disrespecting my life choices,” he murmured, pulling at Hyungwon's gorgeous, plump bottom lip with his teeth, before licking over it. His hips were flush against Hyungwon's and he really hoped that no-one would come and find them. “I want to see most of you, show me, stop shoving this ugly alien smile into my face when the only thing I want to see is your gorgeous bright smile when your cheeks get all puffy and you look like a happy child.”

“Oh god, I can't believe you saw that,” Hyungwon exclaimed and wrapped his arms around his neck, squeezing a little. He looked happier, much happier even though there were still tears in his eyes. “My mask must have been much worse than I anticipated. You're so persistent, makes me want to throw something at you. Myself maybe.”

“Yes, yes yes yes yes, please. But first consider that I'm twenty and even though I might have fucked enough for the next fifty years, you still happen to embody every kink I've ever had and- it's getting hard. Literally.” He reached for his hair and ruffled it up, smiling shyly and looked to the side.

“Did you just say kink and get shy? What the actual fuck?” Hyungwon laughed and slapped his shoulder, smile remaining even when he caught himself. “But what do you mean you fucked enough for the next fifty years? Was that your compensation strategy? I hope you didn't call anybody by the wrong name, that would be hurtful. I- I was as abstinent as it goes.”

“Nah, not for fun. I created the monetary basis to meet you and be able to see you whenever I like. I mean- now I know what you meant when you said that I should save my sexual excitement, but oh well.”

“Are you saying that- you basically sold yourself to see me?” Hyungwon's eyes widened and his breath hitched, face expressing utter shock. “Oh my god, please say no.”

“Sold?” he had never thought about it this way because he didn't do it only for the money back then, but during the past few months it had gotten out of hand because his popularity had risen and he got way more requests, some of them had been kinda intense too, even for his standards. “I did do some crazy stuff, but it wasn't any different from a delivery job, I guess.”

“But- you were delivering your body, weren't you? And not because you wanted to sleep with them, but because you wanted to make money. I'm- shit, I'm sorry.” Hyungwon swallowed and pulled him closer.

“Ok, wait, are you pitying me because you think you forced me into prostitution? Snap out of it, I've been doing it for ages, just not as intense. But the good thing about it is that I made a lot of money and I still do because people watch it. And reporters watch it, but they bought a membership, so I don't care. I thanked that one dude who called me, for his membership money that he paid for subscribing to my site.” Hoseok got side tracked and talked with his eyes wide open, gesturing wildly and probably looking like a baby in the process.

“They called you and- you were all chill about it? Wow- I'd-” Hyungwon chewed on his lips and glanced to the side, probably towards the entry of the hallway that they were hiding in, “I'd have panicked and cancelled the call. They terrify me, especially after back then.”

_Back then?_

_Later. Ask him later._

“What's your hotel room number?” he asked while pressing Hyungwon against the wall for effect.

“W- what?” The older man stared, probably because he hadn't expected the sudden change in topic. “It's 115.”

“Good. And now let's go back, or those reporters will ask dumb questions. Should I go first?” Leaning in, he placed a kiss on Hyungwon's lips, tasting the other man's delicious mouth, before he forced himself to lean back again.

“Please do, they are used to me hiding from the cameras.” A sad smile was on Hyungwon's lips and he let go, gesturing for him to go ahead. “This isn't a bad joke, is it? One in which I will wait for you today, but you won't come.”

“It's a bad joke where I'll come and won't leave anymore,” he whispered back and turned around, running down the hallway without looking back.


	16. 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But he believes that you can do it, it's the only reason why he left you. He knows and he trusts you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE EPILOGUE IS UPDATED TOO
> 
>    
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A barely recognizable sensation of heat and joy burned its way from his mind to his chest. It burned through the cage that he had worked on over the past 5 months, impenetrable in his eyes and protected from everything and everyone who dared to get close and to hurt him. It had been the safe haven he deserved, lonely and filled with artistic thoughts and storylines. Hyungwon had been so convinced that there was nothing else he needed.

_But a simple key was sufficient to open it._

Hoseok had been the key, carefully wrapped in a blanket of hesitation that the black-haired man had thrown off easily, like a superhero cape that he didn't need anymore. No pretence was necessary, neither for the younger man who presented him everything like a grape on a silver plate, nor for Hyungwon who didn't dare reject him anymore. He couldn't act differently, not with the warm arms around him and the low voice that begged him to accept.

_You were even emotional enough to tell him about back then had he asked._

Hyungwon was immensely glad that he hadn't. His strength and self-control were barely enough to smile and avoid the rest of the guests as well as he could. With several glasses of Champagne in his system there was no way that he could have talked about his past without falling apart right on the red carpet for everybody to see. He liked to pretend to be strong, but he had his weaknesses. His past was one of them.

_Hoseok keeps looking for them, fascinated with every secret you unravel._

Secrets resembled presents at first sight, desirable and exhilarating until they suddenly blew up in your face, colouring your surroundings black and infecting your mind like poison. It sounded dramatic, but that was how it had felt back then. Hyungwon hadn't always been mysterious to others. It was rather the opposite, he was enamoured by individuals that hid something, a trait, a truth they didn't want others to see. It had been his doom back then when he cast the man that he now tried to forget and the same had happened with Hoseok. The younger man possessed a duality that Hyungwon wasn't able to resist. When the black-haired man was tender with him, stroking his face and giving him everything, then he ended up on his knees, willing to give him himself if he so desired, but as soon as Hoseok made demands and threw him against a wall, Hyungwon was a stone, unbreakable and untouchable.

_He must have found out how to get to you, desperate to be with you._

Hyungwon wanted to regret, to decide that it was the wrong decision to give the black-haired man his room number, but he couldn't lie to himself like that. Not to that degree.

He was ecstatic about the opportunity to have Hoseok next to him, pale fingers stroking his hair and pulling him close, tender whenever they touched him. It was shameless of him, selfish even to think of touching the younger man, but he couldn't help it. Hoseok might have been close to others and extinguished his desires, but it wasn't the case for him. He had no idea how he was going to keep an appropriate distance when the muscular man showed up at his hotel room and showed him his feelings, the same way he had when their eyes met at the premiere.

Hyungwon hadn't thought about it then and only focused on his unexpected display of yearning instead of the feelings he saw on the younger man's face. There had been so much truth to them, genuine and raw.

_It was him taking off the mask again, only for you._

Hyungwon's heart was beating fast and he purposefully enjoyed a thorough shower, taking the edge off to not embarrass himself. There had been no such urgency when he slept with Hoseok for the first time, at least none that wasn't mutual. Now he was worried, unprepared for what was to come and at the same time unsure about how to act. What was expected of him? Could he show his feelings, or would it scare the black-haired man? Hyungwon had never let go before, not in years and not since his private life had been used as clickbait fodder by the media, the masses pitying or vilifying him on TV.

He clenched his fists and thought about what to wear, fluffy bathrobe covering his naked body. The young actor was probably meeting a few celebrities in the late evening, partaking in at least a few of the opportunities that Cannes offered. It would give him enough time to decide.

_You should wear clothes that don't scream everything you think and want at him. You love him, if he wants to stroke your hair that's more than you could have hoped for._

Hyungwon still felt embarrassed about having to jerk off even though he was the older one among the two of them. His life was a fucking joke, a parallel universe that he finally decided to escape for another man, someone he had developed feelings for.

_You missed the feeling, because he makes you feel safe._

He had screamed it at the younger man when they were in the small Austrian village, screamed at him to save him, begged him even. Hyungwon couldn't be saved if he escaped as soon as the opportunity provided itself.

_That's what Kihyun meant, this is your first chance to be saved and start anew in years and you ran._

Maybe Hyungwon simply felt like he didn't deserve to be saved, not before erasing every mark that had been left on him, fresh and bleeding as soon as it was touched lightly.

The sound of a careful knock on his door distracted him from his thoughts. Just as he thought he imagined it, he heard another knock.

_Already?_

Hyungwon panicked and ran over to the door, opening it in a rough motion. It wasn't like him, especially since he hadn't even bothered to close the bathrobe properly. Hoseok was going to think he intended to seduce him with his dick out instead of being composed and keeping their encounter intimate and vanilla.

“Shit,” he cursed and wrapped it around himself, making sure the belt was as tight around his waist as possible. “You came.”

Hoseok was staring at him in awe. His raven-black hair was wet and a little wavy and he was wearing dark blue ripped jeans and a simple white shirt.

“Oh god. I love you,” the muscular man whispered watching him.

“You must have an affinity for dumb people then,” Hyungwon murmured and checked his belt once again, unable to help the heat that rushed to his cheeks. This wasn't how he had imagined their encounter. His plan was to remain composed and have a proper talk, make sure they were on the same page and knew what the fuck they were getting into. But here he was, blushing in front of his hotel room door in a bathrobe and chewing on his cheek while trying not to react because he was deprived and missed Hoseok way more than he would like to admit. He wanted to sink to the floor and embrace the younger man's legs from the relief that washed over his chest at seeing him and the sudden fear that he would leave again, disappointed.

“Don't leave,” he added quickly and grabbed the black-haired man's wrist, pulling him in like in a cheap plotline.

Oh no.

“This isn't the type of movie in which I seduce you with a bathrobe on, I swear,” he exclaimed and ruffled up his hair in frustration. “I hate this. I'm out of practise.”

“How can you be everything I've ever wanted? Fuck, Hyungwon, don't do this to me, I'll cry. You're dazzling and I can't believe you opened the door,” Hoseok murmured while looking at him as if he was someone extraordinarily precious. Hyungwon felt like a little boy, unsure of what to do.

“Of course I opened the door, but I expected you a little later. After I got dressed to be exact,” he replied and brushed through his hair again. It was wet, so it hung over his forehead messily, causing him to look younger and just as unprepared as he felt. “I'm sorry about the bathrobe, I wasn't planning on seducing you, I swear. I purposefully took care of business before that.”

_God, just shut up and turn into a stone, that's safer._

The black-haired man’s lips turned into a thin line until Hyungwon realized that Hoseok was trying to suppress a smile.

“You told me twice that you didn't plan on seducing me with your bathrobe and once that you took care of ‘business’ while your cuteness jumping right into my face is the main reason I'm losing my shit right now,” the low voice commented and he felt strong fingers around his wrist, thumb rubbing over the back of his hand gently. “Can I- hug you? Or do you need to dress first?”

No way was Hyungwon allowing himself to get hard and be laughed at at the same time. He pursed his lips and inhaled sharply from the burst of anger in his stomach.

“If you're going to laugh at how fucking nervous I am because of you, then I swear I will strangle you with my bare hands, Hoseok,” he hissed and stepped closer, index finger digging into the younger man's chest. It was as hard as a damn stone.

“Have I ever laughed about any of your weaknesses?” Hoseok whispered and stepped closer, forcing his finger to bend. “Furthermore, I think that you have more to ‘laugh’ about with me.”

Hyungwon swallowed and straightened his back. Even if he looked like a lamp post next to Hoseok, at least he was taller and could take a few deep breaths before answering. The younger man was causing him to lose his mind, thoughts fighting for dominance but without a winner.

“You- you haven't, but you smiled, amused because of my antics and how easily I react to you. I even told you that I jerked off to make sure I don't jump you, but you point out how often I said it as if it was my actual plan. I hate cheap plots. If I wanted to seduce you I wouldn't wear a damn bathrobe but- Nevermind.”

“You're mistaken. I wasn't amused by how easily you react to me, Hyungwon. I was happy because you showed me that you care about me.” Another step brought Hoseok's ridiculously handsome face closer and the beautiful man licked over his lips, wet bangs hanging into his black eyes. “And you don't need to do anything to seduce me. The thought that you exist somewhere seduces me. You giving orders seduces me, you acting out the invincible guy seduces me and makes me want to shake you and get the cute smile that I like so much instead. I was dying just standing in front of your door. What bathrobe?”

Hyungwon's body burned up, only because of the low voice and how close the black-haired man was standing. Suddenly he wanted to know what those wet strands would feel like on his cheek, or how hot Hoseok’s hands were, or whether he tasted different after taking a shower. His scent was that of spices, travelling through the air between them. He wanted it all, but that was his pointless chastity, his lack of contact over the past months that made him desperate.

“I'm desperate,” he admitted quietly and chewed on his cheek, forehead resting on Hoseok’s shoulder to inhale more of the delicious scent.

“Me too, but probably for different reasons.” Hoseok's arm circled his waist and he felt the other man's fingers in his hair, massaging his scalp and raking through the wet strands. The distance reduced gradually and it felt like melting into the other man's muscle covered body. Hoseok was burning hot.

Hyungwon gasped at the touches and their closeness. His heartbeat picked up and he felt himself give in within seconds. It was the tenderness and obvious affection in every touch that calmed him and lured his inner self out of the cage, presenting itself openly for the black-haired man to see and accept.

“I'm in love with you,” he whispered and blinked a few times to fight the sudden burning in his eyes, appearing each time he was emotional. “I'm so in love with you and I can't deny you any longer.”

“I can't believe you said it,” the black-haired man murmured in disbelief before cupping his face with both palms and squishing it a little. “I'm yours, Hyungwon. I love you and I've never felt like this before, there's nothing I want more than to have you next to me, to kiss you and to touch you, to look into your eyes and to make you feel safe and happy.” There was a kiss after every word and Hoseok embraced him while his black eyes stared at him as if recognizing everything that he kept inside.

“I- I know the feeling, but I thought it wouldn't return anymore,” he murmured and closed his eyes, hoping that it would end the burning and the yearning to melt into the other man. “Save me then, please.”

Hyungwon could see hesitation in Hoseok's eyes, so unusual for the now black-haired man.

“Please- please don't change your mind,” Hoseok whispered, lower lip trembling and fear painting his features.

_You can't hurt him, you'd be doing what has been done to you._

“I won't.” The reply was immediate, accompanied by his hand that reached out and brushed over the beautiful man's face, stroking his cheek and holding his gaze. “I promise, I won't, not unless the feelings fade.”

“Let's hope they don't fade after I've been close to you.” Watching Hoseok's face was fascinating, the hesitation slowly retreated and made room for something else, his eyes turned even darker and his curved lips parted, releasing a shaky breath. “Kiss me like I know you want to, Hyungwon. Kiss me.”

Hesitation stayed with him for only a moment, holding his hands down until it finally set him free and his arms wrapped around Hoseok’s neck and he leaned in, carefully brushing over the curved bottom lip. He wanted to be slow, sensual, show how much being close meant to him. It wasn't about the touches or about arousal, it was about melting into each other, sharing their realities and intertwining their minds. Experiencing the affection that Hoseok harboured for him, Hyungwon couldn't believe that he had denied it before or been scared to accept it.

“You steal my breath away,” he gasped and kissed those mesmerizing lips again, shaking in the other man's arms. It was too much, too overwhelming to finally feel what he hadn't allowed himself to feel for years. The taste of salt mixed into their kiss and he sniffed, only holding on tighter. Hoseok accepted everything and held him close, let him feel the hot palms against his lower back, slipping past his bathrobe and dancing along his bare skin.

“I have no words,” the gorgeous man in his arms replied as the dark eyes watched him when they didn't kiss, but it seemed as if they couldn't get enough of each other. “I thought that I couldn't take my eyes off you, but I can't take my mind off you, Hyungwon.”

Instead of replying he bawled his eyes out, rubbing over them furiously to make the tears stop, but there was no point. They continued for as long as he felt relief fill his veins instead of blood, the rush of being in love without knowing the repercussions, without caring about the consequences. He knew that Hoseok would have to leave, but he didn't care because he knew that the younger man was going to return again. It was going to be fine, it had to be. Hyungwon only needed to let it.

“Maybe that is what I saw hidden behind your gorgeous smile,” he whispered, eyes meeting Hoseok’s and lips trembling to connect again, to forget himself in reality.

“My salvation.”

***

He was scared, so fucking scared that Hyungwon told him the wrong room number,  or that the other man would refuse to open the door. His thoughts continued even after he was met with the gorgeous bare face and the pretty lips, telling him that he didn't mean to seduce him by wearing a bathrobe, god, Hoseok wanted to hold him and never let go.

_He's everything._

Even after hearing those words, the words that he dreamt of, that he imagined hearing once, because somewhere deep inside he knew what Hyungwon felt for him, even after that he still hesitated. He was scared that the closeness would satisfy Hyungwon's needs and he would find himself at the same spot all over again.

_But you won't give up. Not like back then._

The thought forced his fear to the back of his head and he asked Hyungwon to kiss him. It was intense, overwhelming, sensual and real. So real that it forced tears into his eyes and his previous hesitation dissipated into thin air. He didn't plan it, but he bowed down, took Hyungwon bridal style and carried him to the bed, placing soft kisses on his gorgeous, plump mouth.

“I love you and I want to feel all of you.”

“But- but you said you had enough for the next fifty years, so- so I assumed that-” Hyungwon stuttered and rubbed over both of his eyes, lips red from kissing and cheeks flushed from embarrassment and crying. The brown-haired man seemed so young when he wasn't trying to be emotionless, face expressive and genuine instead. “I thought it would be too much for you and we have so much to talk about. I'm happy with having you next to me, you don't need to satisfy me, I promise.”

“But I want to see your blushed cheeks and how your moan with your mouth open, unrestrained and beautiful. How you arch your spine when I touch you and how you roll your eyes and attempt to feel more. Also-” Hoseok pulled at the belt and undid the knot, immediately attaching his lips to Hyungwon's collarbone. “Also, I'm not going to ‘satisfy’ you. I'm going to love you like I've never loved anyone before and I hope that you'll love me back.” His hands applied pressure as they roamed over the other man's hot body, remembering what it felt like and identifying the spots Hyungwon was especially sensitive. He crawled on top and let his wet strands tickle Hyungwon's chest and his neck, staring at the dazzling man from under his bangs.

A gasp left Hyungwon's lips until it easily transitioned into a moan. The blush on the older man's cheeks intensified and long fingers reached out to rake through his hair. Goosebumps were spreading from each spot that his lips touched, dazzling golden body on display. Hyungwon reacted fast, much faster than he had before, breaths already ragged and arousal evident between his legs.

“Love me then,” the brown-haired man whispered and wrapped his legs around his waist, big eyes observing him intently. Hyungwon looked vulnerable, like a shell that had opened and allowed him to see the content, only him. “Please.”

He hissed and opened the bathrobe completely, uncovering Hyungwon's lean body, slim waist and endless legs that he loved so much. His breath was tickling the other man's chest, lips closing around a nipple and playing with it intensively.

“Hoseok- you'll- don't make me react like a teenager, I'll pinch you,” Hyungwon hissed, but threw his head back, moans loud and like music in Hoseok’s ears. The older man attempted to pull his t-shirt off his body but hesitated because of the ministrations, too preoccupied with his pleasure.

“Would you like to undress me? I want to show you how my body changed,” he whispered and licked over the other nipple, hands stroking over the other man's thin waist and his ribs.

Hyungwon nodded furiously and pulled at his shirt again, almost ripping the thin fabric with the strength that he used. “I want to take it all off. You looked gorgeous in your suit, but-” The older man swallowed and left the shirt for Hoseok to take care off, long fingers fumbling with his zipper and jeans button. He was quick getting rid of his shirt, showing Hyungwon his ripped body, muscles thick and bulging as he let his hand trace his chest and stomach.

“Do you like it?”

Hyungwon’s face said it all, eyes widening a little and sliding over the dips and protrusions, long fingers reaching out to follow them, applying a little bit of pressure.

“You look gorgeous, but also like punching you will do absolutely nothing,” the beautiful man whispered and chuckled lowly. Leaning in, Hyungwon licked over his skin, following the lines with his tongue which he dipped into his navel. “I love how you taste.”

“And I love how you feel,” he breathed out, and settled on Hyungwon's lap, cupping his gorgeous face and licking into his mouth hungrily. He wanted to taste everything.

“I never thought I would have you on my lap,” the brown-haired man mumbled against his lips and wrapped his arms around his waist, pulling him closer. “You’re still wearing too much though. Take them off and come back.” Hyungwon tugged at his jeans, attempting to slide them down his hips. He only needed a moment to take off his clothes, sitting down beside the beautiful man.

“Do you- want to come sit on my lap then?”

There was a brief moment of resistance, only for a few seconds until the gorgeous man climbed over him and settled on his thighs, gasping as soon as his behind touched naked skin.

“This feels like a fever dream, the ones that I woke up from and had to pretend that they never happened.” Hyungwon blinked a few times and wrapped his arms around his neck, holding him close as their groins touched. “I know you will make me forsake my sanity, so please listen to me first. I don't care what we call this, but I don't want you to be my slave boy, Hoseok. If I treat you badly and you want to see me more you have to tell me. We can keep this secret, it's safer for my sanity and for yours, but I don't want you to feel disregarded. I don't want you to feel the way I did back then.”

“I just feel happy when you're next to me like this. I really do. Just let me be next to you,” he whispered and let his hands slide along the other man's warm sides. He couldn't help it, moving his hips slowly under Hyungwon's body, hissing at how amazing it felt. There was nothing that he wanted more than to melt into the dazzling person on his lap.

“Show me- show me that you love me too.”

 

***

The soft crunching of snow, white as far as the eyes could see, a castle made of ice and rejection. Hyungwon could see it so clearly in front of him, each step that he imprinted into the cloud-like surface of white snowflakes that constructed a firm surface to step on by holding together.

He had become part of a plotline, walking into it without even realizing. It hadn’t been Hoseok, the younger man that held him in his arms that began the plotline. He had done it himself, stepping right into it as a result of his heartbreak. Each element was obvious to him now, the snow, the ice, the emptiness he had surrounded himself with.

Hyungwon had been the little boy Kai, running away from home and joining the lands that resembled the way he felt on the inside, frozen with a splinter of ice that stuck to his heart, keeping it from beating. He had been like the boy in the fairytale, acting out each plot element like it had been written for him. He had escaped what he knew, surrounded himself with snow and ice and kept the splinter of ice like a treasure in his chest. His movies and avoidance of plotlines were like the puzzle pieces of ice that the little boy had struggled to put together, trying over and over again but in vain. The answer had been obvious, the best solution for heartbreak had been right in front of him all this time, but he had preferred to follow the plot line, to keep the splinter inside of him until it had become difficult to tell him from the snowy landscape he surrounded himself with.

Maybe that was why the heat had become so unbearable, a burn that he was terrified of and escaped instead of allowing it to melt away the heartbreak and the cold. Hyungwon couldn’t bear to run away anymore, Hoseok was the saviour that found him, moving through barriers of snow and ice walls, breaking them piece by piece until he finally arrived. The black-haired man was right next to him, taking the puzzle pieces from his shaking hands and arranging them into the simple word that Hyungwon had tried, but was unable to express. Love.

He had looked for it in his movies, showing the impossibilities of it, the situations in which it arose with the accompanying guilt, but he never expressed it in its pure form. He hadn’t been able to.

_But now you are._

Hoseok’s touch was hotter than the flame of a candle, a brief touch was bearable, but the longer it caressed his skin, the more he felt himself melt. But it wasn’t him, it was the shell, the splinter he had treasured for so long, protected from the outside like it was a part of him. It wasn’t, it was a foreign entity, something that the man holding him in his arms and kissing him intently was able to remove, to melt away. For the first time in years, Hyungwon felt like he could let go, that it was okay to melt away, to abandon the thick sheet of ice that surrounded him.

He was following a plot line, allowing his saviour to step closer to the ice castle, to grab the puzzle pieces and arrange them for him, let them spell out the words that in turn broke the spell. But instead of panic, he only felt calm. Hyungwon was following the plot line, but it was to defeat it, to finally break away from the predetermined steps and decide on his own.

Each touch of Hoseok’s hands, the heat that they projected onto his body, left burning trails along his skin. Lines that he could imagine when he closed his eyes and gasped, overwhelmed by the emotions in his chest. He was showing it all, affection and wonder infiltrating every feature on his face. Sweat drops collected on his forehead and travelled downwards, disappearing when Hoseok reached out to brush them away as he entered him, their low moans intermingling with how connected they felt. It didn't matter what was around them or for how long they could be together, the heat mattered and its power to melt away his shell, to become himself again.

“I love you,” Hyungwon whispered again, as if the words were really magic and had the power to not only melt the splinter of ice in his chest, but also the snow that surrounded him, to destroy the kingdom of ice he harboured inside and outside of his body. He repeated them again and again while kissing the hot, curved mouth and moaning Hoseok’s name. He begged to be closer, to feel it all, to only have hot skin surround him instead of the terrible cold that had been there before. He had never shown so much at once, allowed another person to see what was stuck in his chest and needed to be removed, ripped out if it couldn’t be melted away.

“I need you, I need you so much, please save me, Hoseok,” he begged and barely felt the tears that ran down his cheeks and the fears that he abandoned. They were part of it, part of the process of the shell breaking, letting the light in. The crack had always been there, he had only ignored it, pretended that he didn’t need the light.

“I will love you so much that you won't be able to escape it. I will be yours and I'll make you happy, I promise,” Hoseok whispered while littering his face with kisses.

“I don’t want to escape, I need you,” he muttered and opened his eyes, meeting the other man’s almost black ones while attempting to catch his breath. He had never felt like this before, like every unnecessary layer had been stripped away from his skin and only the raw essence of his being remained. “I- I know where I want to go after this, Hoseok.”

“I'll come to you no matter where you go. I won't let go of you. I've waited for so long.” Hoseok stroked his hair and kept kissing him, as if it was never enough.

“You might hate me a little, there are almost no flights,” Hyungwon muttered, but smiled nevertheless. He was happy, so ridiculously happy about the way he felt towards Hoseok and their situation. It didn’t even matter that they couldn’t see each other all the time. He was so happy that the emotions were mutual, that he was able to let go and become himself again, even if it was only next to the black-haired man. “You make me feel complete, I want you to know that.”

“Everything is okay as long as you let me stay next to you,” the low voice whispered as they embraced in his bed, pale body almost melting into his own.

“When is your flight back to Vienna?” Hyungwon asked. There was something in his head that didn’t allow him to enjoy peaceful moments, instantly figuring out when it would end. Rationality was a scary thing. “I don’t want you to leave, but I want to be prepared when you do.”

“Tomorrow morning,” was the brief reply and the beautiful man buried his face in the crook of his neck, inhaling sharply and keeping the air inside his lungs. Hyungwon hated the words, tomorrow was too soon, especially in the morning. They had only found to each other, showed each other their most vulnerable sides and now they were supposed to separate again? He didn’t want to.

“That’s too soon,” he whispered and struggled to come up with an alternative. He had no real responsibilities yet, none apart from coming up with the script and finding somebody who would finance it. “But- there is no real place I have to be for the preproduction of the next film. I could also… be in Vienna.”

_You kept telling him that it’s impossible to be together, but here you are, showing that at least for a few months you can be with him. The only exception is the filming._

“Minhyuk is- he's moving in with his boyfriend,” Hoseok pressed out as if the thought made him extremely uncomfortable. “But it's partially my fault because I told him that he's a coward after he told me that I'm insane for wanting you.”

“Why did you tell him that he’s a coward? Because he didn’t leave you to be with his boyfriend? I thought that was rather affectionate of him,” Hyungwon muttered, wondering whether he had misjudged Hoseok’s friend. “Are you suggesting I live with you, Hoseok?” He lifted an eyebrow, a little amused at how shy Hoseok was about it.

“Yeah. I mean you'll leave as soon as filming starts anyway, but before that, you could- yeah…” Hoseok ruffled up his hair and looked to the side. Hyungwon smiled at the younger man’s antics, stroking over his muscular arm in the meantime.

“I’d love to, Hoseok,” he replied and pressed a kiss to Hoseok’s temple, tasting a little bit like sweat from their intense love making a while ago. “But you might be a little surprised to see what I am like when I don’t try to be... untouchable.”

“Please surprise me. I’d love to see it,” the younger man murmured. He must've been tired.

“When is your flight?” Hyungwon asked and poked the muscular shoulder. He had to know at least that to make sure the two of them didn’t miss it. He still had to buy a ticket as well.

_Why are you so excited about this?_

It must have been because he was hopelessly in love, throwing his concerns and plotlines out of the window and focused in the man in his arms instead.

“Eight,” Hoseok mumbled into his collarbone and the calm breaths told him that the beautiful man must be sleeping.

“Sleep well,” he whispered into the protruding ear and smiled again, fingers stroking over the younger man’s hair. It felt so peaceful and calm, slow exhales tickling his skin and warmth of the broad body keeping him away from the ice he wanted to abandon so badly. It felt perfect, he only needed to find a way to express it accordingly.

Luckily he had Hoseok next to him, able to teach him and show him what it was like to be loved.

***

 

The first thing he felt after opening his eyes was a hot body entangled with his and the daylight covering the room in the first rays of sunshine. The evening passed like a flashback in front of his inner eye until something disturbed him, something that must've been a dream.

_He agreed to live with you._

His eyes widened and he turned, shaking Hyungwon's body mercilessly.

“Hyungwon, wake up. Hyungwon, did you tell me that you'll live with me yesterday?”

“Fuck off,” the older man mumbled and attempted to kick him, long leg missing by several centimeters. He must have been very tired, because he merely wrapped himself around him and hid his face in the crook of his neck, breaths calming down again.

“No, you can’t tell me to fuck off after telling me that you’d live with me.” He pinched the other man’s tiny nipple painfully. “Hyungwon!”

The brown-haired man yelped and sat up, eyes wide open and furious until he finally seemed to recognize Hoseok.

“Why the hell are you abusing me?” he asked and rubbed over his chest, teeth settling on his plump bottom lip. “That fucking hurt.”

“I’m sorry,” he murmured, leaning down and licking over the spot carefully. He got distracted in the process and sucked the small bud into his mouth. Hyungwon instantly pulled at his hair to get him away, gasping loudly.

“Fuck, don’t get me- yeah. Are we late for the plane? I’m confused.” The older man glanced around to figure out what was going on while subconsciously leaning into Hoseok. “I’m glad my movie idea is still there.”

“I can’t believe you agreed on living with me for the time being. Is this a dream?”

A pretty smile appeared on Hyungwon’s face at the words. “No it’s not, because if it were a dream I wouldn’t have attempted to punch you or insult you right after waking up. I love you, so living with you is tempting. It’s cheaper too, but you’ll have to learn to live with being bruised in the morning when you attempt to wake me up. I hate it. A lot.”

“I don’t care, it’s nothing compared to what you’re willing to give me. I love you, and now let’s get up, we don’t have much time and I have to take my anti anxiety meds two hours before the flight,” he babbled and leaned back, trying to locate his clothes.

“Oh my god, you’re fighting anxiety just to see me? You’re doing so fucking much and I’m holding onto a stupid splinter of ice that I keep jabbing into my heart like an idiot. I feel like such an asshole, fuck, I’m sorry.” Hyungwon jumped up and threw a few random articles of clothing into a big suitcase before making his way to the shower. “I’ll be quick. I already bought the ticket last night, with some coercion we can get you into the business class. Just use that pretty smile of yours.”

Closing the door behind himself, the older man left him alone in the main room, lying on a bed and surrounded by furniture and a single suitcase. It was too big for a one-day trip but it was also too small to harbour all of Hyungwon’s belongings. Unless he had none.

_

 

It had been two weeks since they saw each other because Hyungwon left for the US to take care of some ‘business’, right after they had met again at the premiere of ‘The Bone Flute’. Since then, the offers kept coming in without a break. Movies, advertisements, events, galas, all kinds of interviews and talk shows wanted to have him as a guest. It was a little tiring, but he took a few, strategically fitting schedules. His choice had been an advertisement for a car where he had to wear a mask. He had laughed his ass off at the image that the people at marketing must have had of him. Apart from the car advertisement, he took the offer to film a short movie for a relatively unknown director. He had googled the woman's works and liked the concept in addition to the fact that the filming was scheduled for one week and was in the US.

_What a coincidence that he's there too._

Grinning to himself, he lifted his gaze, just to see his best friend's face. Hoseok remembered why he had kept himself busy all this time, filling the time he had gained by quitting the video making with studies and one theatre production where he was able to play the main role.

_Because he's leaving you._

It wasn't something surprising, he had expected it, but he kept ignoring how Minhyuk slowly removed the things that made his apartment liveable and lovable, acting as if it was normal, the natural way of things, until there was only the black-haired man and the big suitcase he was hugging.

_He'll leave, Hoseok._

The timing was right as he had printed his plane ticket to L.A and turned around to tell Minhyuk about it.

“You have everything ready?” he asked, fingers attempting to hold onto the sheet of paper that had no meaning to their conversation.

“Mhm. But I don't feel ready. Are you okay with me leaving? We've been together for four years in this apartment and you've been next to me for almost eight. I have the feeling that something is dying inside me and it hurts so much, but- you're holding that stupid ticket, as if you don't need anything besides that bit of paper and the knowledge that you will go to him and he will accept you and I was wrong. You know I'm happy that I was wrong, don't misunderstand me- it's just... it hurts so fucking much. Why aren't you hurt? Why aren't you fucking crying and begging me to stay?” Minhyuk whispered and he saw how the tears streamed down his face, leaving wet lines on his pale skin. The words were enough for him to immediately start crying, letting the piece of paper fall to the ground.

“Because I figured that I was selfish all this time, I forced you to deal with my complexes, feeling comfortable with you being the substitution instead of actually working on myself. You missed so many things because of me, you never went anywhere because of me and you are just moving out now, even though you're older than me. I can't be clinging on you now, you're a flower and you deserve to bloom next to a person you love instead of taking care of your orphan cousin.” His own words hurt so much and he immediately remembered meeting Minhyuk for the first time. His adoptive parents had brought him to his aunt’s house and he watched their older son running around and pretending to be some Final Fantasy character.

“You didn't talk back then, remember? And I sang you the ‘cloud’ song to cheer you up and showed you all my consoles and let you play with my character even though you sucked and I needed three months to get my score back.” Minhyuk laughed through his tears and wiped his face with both palms. “You're not my orphan cousin. You're my soulmate and my best friend. And I'm keeping the key. I'll walk in on you and him fucking and I will not give a single shit and insult you both, so look forward to that.”

It had been those words, him being called best friend and soulmate that made him close the distance and sink to his knees, hugging the black-haired man's slim legs. There was something about him that reminded him of Hyungwon.

“I like you so much, Minhyuk, please don't leave me. You can move out but please keep being here for me and I'll be here for you, okay? I stopped filming adult stuff and I'll only do advertisements from now on. I'll take care of myself, but I need you. This is what friendship is about, I don't only need you when my life sucks, I also need you when my life doesn't suck. I need you because you are making me happy and a better person.” He sniffed and buried his face in his best friend's thigh, feeling how the other man's fingers stroked over his hair.

“You're still the twelve-year-old who doesn't believe that he's worth anything, aren't you? You're the most stunning man I know, Hoseok. There's nothing about you that a person can't love. Thank you for being the best friend that I could dream of.”

There were so many tears, stupid stories and embarrassing hugs. It got dark and they took beer from the fridge and got wasted while sitting on the floor of Minhyuk's empty room until the bell rang and Jooheon, Minhyuk’s boyfriend, picked the black-haired man up, throwing him dangerous glances for getting drunk. ‘I have no ragrets,’ he mumbled before the door closed and he was left alone, all by himself in the apartment that should've been familiar but only seemed deserted once Minhyuk left. Wasn't it impressive, how a place could die only because the person that kept it alive left?

_But he believes that you can do it, it's the only reason why he left you. He knows and he trusts you._

He hugged the old sweatshirt that he once borrowed from the other man and cried until it got dark around him and fell asleep.

 

***

One step followed the next, past large skyscrapers and people that looked up briefly but didn't bother to look longer, returning to their own routines and lives immediately. It was exactly the way Hyungwon remembered it. One might have believed that he had never left, empty Starbucks cups and chewing gum still littering the pedestrian areas and homeless people begging for a dollar or at least some food.

Europe had been different, the people on the street rarely wanted food. Food they could get, it was something else that they wanted, alcohol or drugs mostly. Of course not all of them, but the percentage of people that were living with the bare minimum was different.

Licking over his lips, Hyungwon threw a five dollar bill into a small paper bag in front of a girl. She looked around fifteen, too young and thin to be begging for food in the street. At least the weather was still warm, tropical even with the palm trees decorating the whole city.

He forced himself to look straight ahead and follow the familiar street past his academy. He barely remembered his study time. Most of it had been overpowered by the memories of what followed his graduation, his time with the person he had come to meet. Hyungwon still felt like part of the plotline, only now he had begun to make his own decisions within it. He wanted to meet the person that placed the splinter into his heart in the first place.

_You need to see that it's only a human, somebody that doesn't carry the same significance for you as he had years ago._

Hyungwon had taken walks next to the river back then, laughing and gesturing wildly as he talked about his film ideas, about the new message he wanted to convey and about how much he needed his love to be a part of it. He didn't remember the other man's face back then, he had put the feeling and the memory into a movie, so it wasn't accessible to him anymore. Now he regretted it a little. He had been ripping chunks away from himself instead of dissolving the bit of ice in his heart.

The cafe that he had decided on was familiar. The windows were big and most tables were arranged in front of them, allowing him to watch the people that passed by. Hyungwon had loved it back then, thinking about what each person might have been thinking about or was currently concerned with. He didn’t have enough stories of his own back then and he was always looking for inspiration.

Smiling to himself, he chose a table at the very back, past the bar and the door to the restrooms. It was a pretty corner, decorated with flowers and paintings that he wasn't familiar with. Most of them looked like special places in L.A., painted by a local artist. The pictures had changed but the place itself hadn't.

Lost in his thoughts, Hyungwon didn't realise when a tall, muscular figure settled down across from him. He was just as attractive as he had been back then, body well built and face befitting that of a famous actor. It was difficult to believe that he hadn't been watched on his way to the cafe. Usually there would have already been pictures and the sound of shutters, but no, it was just his past lover and him, alone in a cafe in Los Angeles.

“It's been a while,” the blonde man commented and brushed through his hair, elbow resting on the table as he leaned in, watching him intently. “You changed quite a bit. I expected you to smile despite everything that happened. At least back then you always did, no matter what happened.”

“Things change, I don't really feel like smiling,” Hyungwon replied and inhaled slowly. He had expected a spark, excitement the way it had been back then or pain and hurt. None of the familiar emotions spread through his chest. There was only- nothing. Regret maybe, regret that he had tortured himself for years because of something that didn't even pull at the corners of his mouth. Hyungwon hadn't even dared to speak his name, scared that it would make him break apart.

There was nothing scary to the name.

 Leo was a personification of his name, muscular, tall, bold in his character and a superb actor. He was able to pretend to be anybody, no matter the traits, past or emotions. There had been a lot of reasons for Hyungwon to be fascinated with him, to cast him for every role. After all, he had been filming movies about him back then, about his love and the emotions he was still learning about at that time.

“You asked for a meeting, so I came. What did you want to talk about? I'm sure you didn't want to sit here and check me out, for that you don't look intrigued enough,” the blonde man teased and grinned a little. His confidence was remarkable, always had been, but Hyungwon couldn't help but wonder if he had ever seen behind it or whether Leo had also only played a role with him. One that he had grown tired of.

“I wanted to see if the role you play with me is still the same. Seems like it is.”

“You haven't been to the US in years, there were articles about it. Why now? The buzz around our breakup died down a long time ago.” Leo tapped his fingers on the wooden table and glanced at the clock. He must have been busy and the way one of the waitresses stared at him kept grabbing his attention.

_He's different._

“It died in the news but not in my head. That's the best way to explain it. Seeing you feels like closing the eyes of somebody who has died and finally allowing them to rest in peace. It's sad but also relieving.”

“Ouch, charming of you to say meeting me is like somebody died.” Leo raised an eyebrow and stared at the clock again, impatient to leave.

“You don't understand what I meant, but that also doesn't really matter.” _He never did._ “Feel free to leave if you have to. I'm sure that you are busy with filming and your new projects. I only wanted to see you once, remember briefly what I've been pushing to the edge of my consciousness.”

It was the truth, the main reason for meeting the actor that had rammed a splinter into his chest and kept him from removing it for several years.

_It wasn't him, you're the one who didn't remove it._

“You’ve changed so much, I barely recognize you,” the slightly older man muttered and he looked uncomfortable, this time not because of his lack of time or the stares.

“I'm doing what you have always done, Leo.” It was the first time in years that he spoke the other man's name out loud. The word tasted strange on his tongue, not like something he had screamed, cried and whispered countless times. “I'm acting until I return to the place where I can be me again. I'm glad I met with you because it became apparent to me. There must be a place for you too, one where you don't have to wear this smile and straighten your back. I don't want to keep you from it any longer. Thank you for meeting me.”

Hyungwon smiled for the first time, hands resting loosely on his lap and without tension in his shoulders. It felt like he was watching a leaf fall from a tree, dancing in the wind until it finally settled on the ground. He was the leaf, finally arriving after a long journey that hadn't been under his control, influenced by whims and wishes he hadn't been aware of.

“I've seen your movies,” the blonde man murmured as he stood up, some of the confidence disappearing after Hyungwon's words. It must have gotten through to something, but it also didn't really matter. “You're good. Maybe we'll see each other when you do a project in the US again. I'll be looking forward to it.” Pushing the chair back towards the table, Leo nodded at him and made his way to the exit, not bothering to look back. It was the same way he had left back then.

“Maybe,” Hyungwon whispered but it didn't matter to him this time.

Not at all.

_

The breeze was fresh and ruffled up his hair, diminishing some of the unpleasant heat that the sun had brought over the city. It was nice next to the river, quieter and more peaceful. The palm trees stood like pillars along the riverbank and the sound of Hyungwon's steps drowned in the rushing of the water.

L.A. had never really been his home, not when he studied film and not afterwards. It was a brief phase, the time when he was naive and let go, was happy mostly. His real memories were somewhere else, in Boston, in the city he had met his adoptive parents and learned to have a family. It had also been in Boston where he broke in pieces.

_You need to go back there, to fill the streets and the parks with positive memories._

Vibrations that centered on his thigh pulled him from his thoughts and he stopped walking, surprised that anybody would call him.

_It's Kihyun, he was excited about your return._

“I'll meet you later, don't curse,” he commented into the receiver as soon as he picked up and chuckled. “I'm fine, taking a walk along the river and not crying.”

“Wow, it sounds amazing, I will kill anyone who dares to make you cry and I didn't plan on cursing, actually I wanted to ask where you are because I'm in L.A now and I finished filming the car ad, but this city is scary and everybody is asking me how I am, do I look as if I'm not okay?” Hoseok's excited voice babbled from the speaker.

Hyungwon froze in place and tried to make sense of the jumble of words that didn't fit together. Hoseok was in L.A.? For a car ad? His heartbeat picked up and he barely resisted screaming his exact location coordinates into the receiver. The fact that he didn't know them was probably the only thing stopping him.

“You- what? You're here? In the same city? Oh my god. I can give you a pin and you can jump into a cab to get here. It's- not very central. Oh my god, I look like shit.” Hyungwon brushed through his hair with his free hand, annoyed that it wasn't styled. His meeting with Leo was a while ago and he had given up on looking his age a few hours ago.

“I think I have… a driver? I told them that I will only come if they take care of everything, so they're a little creepy. There's this dude always asking me if I need anything and a car. I will tell them to drop me off and then you'll take care that I don't get lost, okay? And don't worry, I'll assess your looks and will present you my honest opinion in a bit.” Hoseok chuckled and added ‘sir’.

“What ‘sir’? This is weird, I'm not your director anymore. I'm a guy who feels so fucking happy right now that he wants to dance around a stupid palm tree. I'll send you the address, can't wait to see you, Hoseok. I'm- I'm really thankful you're here. I need you right now.” He swallowed at the truthful statement and wrapped one arm around his waist, flexing it to get rid of the outburst of happiness. There was nobody he wanted to see more than the gorgeous black-haired man, the only person he was in love with.

“Don't you dare dance around the palm tree without me!” the low voice exclaimed before laughing loudly. “I'll be there in no time, can't wait to see you, Hyungwon. I need you too. A lot.” He could hear a smile in Hoseok's voice before it turned silent and continuous beeps told him that the other man hung up. Hyungwon immediately typed his location into the text message window and hoped that it was detailed enough. His hands were shaking from excitement and he kept shifting his weight from one leg to the next.

When the minutes stretched on, he stepped closer to one of the trees and leaned against it, looking up at the sky. It was pretty, but not comparable to the cloudless night sky in Hallstatt, countless stars there for him to see. He still couldn't believe that Hoseok had flown all the way to the US. It was over eight hours of torture for the black-haired man, torture that he accepted because he wanted to see him.

_The car ad can't be the reason he came._

A smile appeared on his lips and he laughed out loud, ridiculously excited. He couldn't remember the last time he had felt that elated, arms naturally wrapping around the rough texture of the tree next to him and eyes closing to focus on his heartbeat. There were cars driving past, but he ignored them, imagining what he would say or do once he finally saw Hoseok again.

Suddenly there was as warm exhale against his ear before disappearing again.

“You don't know how much I want to hug you, but there were people who took pictures of me while I climbed into the car on my way here.” Hoseok’s warm hand stroked along his waist once, hotness leaving him as quickly as it appeared.

Hyungwon nodded, but remained in place, arms still wrapped around the palm tree.

“Why do people care so much? They made my life hell back then. That's probably the reason I turned into such an asshole,” he murmured and tried to calm down his heart. He also wanted to embrace, he wanted to turn around, wrap his arms around Hoseok’s neck and forget himself, to finally feel at ease again.

“It's only a problem if both parties care,” the other man replied and laughed, low voice almost vibrating in his ears. “Do you plan to keep hugging the tree? Because I'm getting really jealous right now.”

“It's my way of coping with my desire to attach my whole body to yours.” Hyungwon opened his eyes and glanced to the side, finally looking at the beautiful man he had missed so much. Hoseok was wearing a tight black t-shirt with a Tommy Hilfiger logo and black shorts that only covered two thirds of his muscular, pale thighs. “I don't want to care, but they ruined my life and confidence back then, blaming me for my breakup and saying that I exploited my lover for my movies and forced him to sleep with me. That's why that reporter was so curious about your job and me casting you. He probably thought you offered me sex for the role.”

“Interesting. They should be making movies themselves with those crazy ideas. I told you I won't make your life complicated, I only wanted to meet because I missed you so fucking much during the past two weeks and Minhyuk moved out two days ago and I'm so sad.” The younger man looked away and ruffled up his hair cutely.

 It was too much, so Hyungwon removed his arms from the tree and wrapped them around Hoseok instead, pulling him into a tight embrace and littering the top of his head with kisses. It felt really good, exactly the way he had imagined it if not better. The fear of somebody watching them was still there, but it couldn't hurt Hoseok, not anymore. It could only hurt him, but he had already left the US for good. There was no need to return unless it was for empty memories.

“You make me so fucking happy, Hoseok,” he whispered and raked through the black strands. “I'm sure Minhyuk will still visit you lots. He cares about you.”

“I know. He's my cousin, he can't abandon me even if he wanted to,” Hoseok chuckled and returned the embrace, strong grip so different from the soft eyes that looked at him in awe. “And you look absolutely striking, I hope they'll take some pictures.”

“I hope they won't because I look like eighteen unless I style up my hair.” Hyungwon sighed and loosened the grip. A smile tugged at the corners of his lips, courtesy of how happy he was. “What would you like to see? L.A. is crazy and it’s the place where I studied. Most of my memories consist of unhealthy amounts of alcohol and the inside of two filming studios.”

“Sounds great. I don't care where we go. To be honest I realized that it doesn't matter where I am when you're next to me, it could be the arctic circle, I don't care. I'd warm you, my body heat is enough for us both.” Hyungwon sucked in the other man's gorgeous smile and watched him brush his black bangs back. “Ah- regarding body warmth- there's a short film I'm starring in, I liked the director’s works and the schedule works well. I'll have to film a sex scene too. With a man.”

“Wow, you really went for it, huh?” Hyungwon blinked a few times and wondered what exactly it was that disturbed him about what the younger man had said. It wasn't the sex scene, because Hoseok wasn't somebody to open up that easily, not to that degree at least. “When and where are you filming it?”

“Ah- the embarrassing part. It's somewhere in Boston. The thing is that I thought that the US wasn’t very big, but it kinda is and I have to fly so many hours to get there because it's on the east coast. Damn it,” Hoseok murmured and put his hands into the pockets of his shorts, bouncing from one leg to the other.

Hyungwon's eyes widened a little and he started laughing at how easily fate played into their hands.

_As if you wouldn't have gone to Boston only because he's there._

“Fun fact, Boston is where I plan to go next. It's the place I grew up.” He grinned and slipped his arm around Hoseok’s, using it as a loop. Staring ahead he realised what it was that disturbed him before. “Also, you said that you'd even follow me to the arctic circle. My next project will be mostly filmed in Greenland. I'm really sorry, kind of.”

“What? What's Greenland?” Hoseok looked at him in question. The other man must've never heard about it. “Whatever, I'll definitely come as often as I can. And it's amazing that you wanted to go to Boston too, I was so worried because I thought that I should've taken something in L.A.”

“You- you don't know where Greenland is?” Hyungwon struggled to get over the other man's rather limited idea of the world.

_He thought L.A. and Boston are close._

“It's- ehm- it belongs to Denmark but it's a gigantic island that's mostly covered in ice. It's basically in the Arctic Circle.”

“Oooh,” Hoseok exclaimed and his mouth formed an ‘o’ as he walked next to him. “I see. It doesn't sound particularly cosy, but I'll keep you warm.” Reaching for his hand, Hoseok squeezed it once and let go again.

“You're adorable, can't believe you fucked baby boys with a mask on. It barely fits into my concept of you anymore. Now you're the first person on my mind and the man I want to wrap around like a blanket. I mean- I'm a little too thin for a blanket, but you get the drift.” He smiled and remembered how relieved he had felt when he met Leo and realized there was nothing left of his feelings. “I'm really glad that you came today. I- I met with my ex, trying to see how much had changed, if I'm still as broken as I thought I was.”

“Your- your ex?” Hoseok looked terrified, eyes wide and teeth abusing his pink, curved lips. “And? How did it go?”

“Yeah, his name is Leo and he's pretty fucking famous, so I won't elaborate. I- I was wondering if the constant pain and hurt I tried to portray in my movies was still there, the desperation to drown in the memories instead of what surrounded me.” Hyungwon swallowed and reached out for Hoseok’s hand, squeezing it tightly. “But there was nothing. It was only him, acting a role the way he always did, shocked that it didn't fit the person I am now.”

“Oh god, I think I need to do some planks to get rid of the adrenaline, holy shit. I thought it was you trying to tell me that I'm not needed.” Hoseok closed his eyes and exhaled sharply.

“Wait- what? You thought I was hugging a palm tree, embracing you in public and squeezing your hand only to tell you that I'm going back to the jerk who ruined my life? How fucked in the head do you think I am?” Hyungwon stared at the other man, baffled that he expected rejection after everything they had just talked about.

“Yeah, but- people often do stuff like this to not appear rude. ‘I'm nice to you but I still don't want you’ kind of thing. I love you so much, Hyungwon, I'm just losing it a little because I'm in this country and everything is different. Please tell me if I cling to you too much or something, I'll stop, I can do it,  I practiced!” The black eyes were focused on him, observing every single move.

“Shut up and let me hold your hand,” Hyungwon replied and laughed, disbelieving how much had changed because of a single movie. Instead of wallowing in misery in Denmark he was in the US, back where he grew up and holding onto the hot palm of somebody he loved. It didn't matter that the black-haired man was much younger than him and less experienced in life, that he didn't even know where Greenland was. All of that didn't matter a single bit.

What mattered was how free he felt, like a bird that dared to jump out of the nest and fly on its own, trying out the wings that were barely strong enough to carry it. Hyungwon felt just like that bird, finally able to go wherever he wanted to and express whichever feelings he wanted to express.

“You want to get rid of your adrenalin?” he asked and bit down on his bottom lip, feeling childish about his following words. “Then race me to that palm tree over there.”

Letting go of the hot hand, he grinned and ran, sprinting as fast as his legs were able to carry him. He wasn't scared to let go of Hoseok, not for such a brief moment.

_Because you know for certain that he'll be right there once you turn around._


	17. EPILOGUE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CUT came to an end.
> 
> Thank you so much for staying with us during this hot and dramatic ride. This story was very special for us and we hope that you enjoyed it.  
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> 
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The movie filming went well and Hoseok couldn't wait to finally wrap his arms around the slim, tall man who seemed to be deep in thought whenever they met up late at night. There was something going on in Hyungwon's mind and he really wanted to help, but he didn't know how. He had no idea.

_You need to ask him._

Again it was midnight and again he walked into the pretty hotel room and closed the door behind himself.

“I'm back. I slept with a man. On screen,” he said, waiting for Hyungwon's reply.

“I almost threw a burning hot pan into your face after the second sentence,” Hyungwon replied and looked around the corner of the small kitchen area they had in the room. He was frying something, dressed in a simple black t-shirt and shorts. The aircon was turned off, so it was too warm for more clothes than that, especially with the working stove. “Was it easier than sleeping with a woman? Did the guy want your number later? The acting world is a scary place.”

“The guy said he was a fan. Of me in a mask. That was awkward,” Hoseok replied and took off his shoes before immediately closing the distance and hugging the gorgeous man from behind.

Hyungwon smiled and placed a warm palm on top of his connected hands, the other hand still occupied with frying an egg. He didn't seem particularly good at it.

“You're famous in a different sense I guess. Did he have a real erection? He must have struggled because he associated so many sexual thoughts with you.” The older man hummed lowly like he agreed with his own statement while poking the poor egg like he planned on ripping the egg yolk to shreds. There were flour smudges on his shorts even though he didn't seem to have used any.

“I told him that his reaction was normal but he twitched when I said it. I guess he must've liked my voice too. I was a little sorry that I couldn't help him, but I quit for good.” He pressed a kiss against Hyungwon's golden nape and stroked over his slim waist. “But why are you abusing an egg?”

“Abusing? I'm frying it, it got abused before I started cooking it.” Hyungwon shrugged and continued his attempts to turn it. “Have you ever liked anybody enough to stop sleeping with other men while wearing your mask?”

“It's a weird question because it implies that I can only like someone enough if I stop making videos. It seems like a very strange definition of love to me. But to answer your question: I did like a few people, but I've never done anything about it. They never knew and I liked them by myself until it faded away.” He kept his nose buried in Hyungwon's shoulder as he asked himself why the other man was suddenly cooking. “You must've liked your ex. Is this why you're a little down since we’ve been here? Do you miss him?”

_Yeah, stab yourself in the chest, Hoseok._

“Miss him? Those are the wrong words,” the older man replied and pushed the egg to the edge of the pan, finally turning it around. “I miss myself mostly. The person I was before all of this, the Hyungwon who wouldn't allow somebody to ram a chunk of ice into his chest and live with it as if it was normal.” The spatula shook in Hyungwon's hand and he placed it on the counter to hide it, fingers grasping the edge tightly. “This city should be filled with childhood memories, thoughts of my adoptive parents and all those nice things, but instead there is only hurt. I hate it.”

“Did you come here after the breakup?” Hoseok reached for the stove and turned it off, staring at the burned egg. “What happened that filled everything you loved with hurt?”

Hyungwon stood still in his embrace, hands letting go of the counter and hanging loose at his sides. Only his shoulders trembled slightly.

“I haven't been back the states since then, L.A was the first time I stepped foot on the continent since the breakup. It was… pretty nasty. He… ,” the older man swallowed visibly, “-blamed me for holding him back and left. Unfortunately, he said the same to the media and they… made my life hell. I- I burned everything and left.”

“He's weak too, but the cowardly kind of weak, the kind that wants to seem strong and blames others for his weaknesses. But… you burned everything? What do you mean?” He held Hyungwon close, arms wrapped around his waist tightly and chin resting on the slim shoulder.

“I- I kinda lost it and set fire to the letters I had, ideas that involved him. I-” The brown-haired man licked over his lips and tensed. “I watched them burn for a while and left the country. My plan was to do the same with my feelings. I only saw pictures later. The whole house burned down.”

_Oh my god._

“Did you feel better afterwards?” he asked quietly, pulling the other man even closer to his chest.

“A little. It felt like everything was dead and gone then.” A shaky breath left Hyungwon's lips and he leaned his head against Hoseok’s shoulder. Something told him that the taller man was crying, even if he couldn't see it. “Only that I was dead and gone too.”

“I know I keep talking about it, but I can't forget the way you looked when you got lost. I guess I was hopelessly gone then, even though it took a while to understand what it meant.” He loosened his embrace and turned Hyungwon around, cupping his dazzling face between his palms. “You know what my favourite thing about you is? Your smile. The one that looks like it explodes in a firework of joy. But to be honest I love everything about you, I don't remember how not loving you feels.”

“This might sound really dumb to you, but I feel a little bit like Kai from the tale of the snow queen. A piece of ice got stuck inside me and instead of removing it I kept running around with it, trying to change my surroundings instead. I froze everything, tried to turn myself into a mannequin while being too dumb to spell the word ‘love’ out of ice shards. When I came back here I hoped to find myself, but it seems like there are only ashes instead.” Hyungwon sighed and rubbed over his eyes with the back of his hand. “And I burned the fucking egg.”

“I hope the burned egg will be your biggest problem from now on,” he whispered and kissed Hyungwon's lips, tasting a hint of salt. “You should've let me melt it. I'm going to melt it all.” Letting the other man's face go, he took the seam of his shirt and pulled it over his head before taking Hyungwon's big palm and putting it against his chest. “See? It's really hot, I can melt anything.”

“You already melted me,” Hyungwon whispered and leaned in to place a soft kiss against his lips. Next was his chin and his jaw, plump mouth touching it briefly on its journey downwards. Hyungwon's hand applied a little bit of pressure, fingers rubbing over his hot skin as the beautiful man licked a line from his neck to his collarbones. “I feel so stupid now, it's difficult to describe. It feels like the person wasn't me because the decisions I made didn't fit with who I was only a few months ago. But the person I became is also not the person who grew up here. So who am I now? I don't know.” The brown-haired man laughed suddenly. “I'm too old to be having an identity crisis.”

“We're changing all the time. When I play a role and get immersed in it on stage it's similar. I keep staring at myself in the mirror after the performance is over and try to see what changed because I develop after each role. It doesn't mean that it's not you. You just became a little different.” Hyungwon could have any crisis he needed, Hoseok would be there for all of it. “I still can't believe you took me back.”

“You were never really gone in the first place, not from here.” The beautiful man swallowed and removed his hand from Hoseok’s chest, placing it on his own instead.

“It's my favourite place,” he whispered and wrapped his arms around the handsome man, kissing him as if there was no tomorrow. “I'll keep you warm, Hyungwon, no matter what happens, I promise, I'll love you and all your weaknesses.”

Hyungwon kissed back, arms wrapping tightly around his neck and plump lips struggling to remain attached, forsaking oxygen.

“You can see them all, Hoseok, they are yours,” he whispered and leaned back against the stove, pushing the hot pan back and not even realizing that he touched it. “I love you- you've made me fall in love with you and I'm so thankful, there's nothing more that I want. It doesn't matter who I am now as long as you love me this way, Hoseok.”

“I'll shower you in love until it spills,” he whispered and grabbed the other man's hips, placing him on the kitchen counter, lips immediately brushing over his collarbones and neck. “Thank you, thank you so much.”

They tasted each other, hands roaming over each other's bodies and forgetting everything around them. They loved each other as if there was no tomorrow, no schedules and no responsibilities. As if there was no past for them and no future, no roles and no masks. They stood bare in each other's arms, making the here and now bearable.

 

***

 

A deep inhale allowed an influx of fresh air into his lungs, tingling all the way to his fingertips. Breathing with Hoseok next to him had felt like he was doing it for the first time. Hyungwon couldn't understand how he had been able to live before, to breathe and walk and make the decisions he had been making.

Living next to the gorgeous and fascinating man in the city of his childhood had been surreal, a parallel reality in which he had never left the US and found a person that loved him for who he was instead. His age didn't match up, but that was what it felt like. He didn't care about Hoseok being an actor anymore and he didn't mind the age gap. The young, black-haired man was cheerful, awkward, confident and upset all in one, confused about where to go, happy about pretty places Hyungwon had shown him and upset about not being able to stay like that forever. But it was fine, Hyungwon didn't feel like he was ripping apart when the weeks ended and Hoseok had to return to Vienna. The black-haired man had squished the living daylights out of him and Hyungwon had cried, the way it was supposed to be.

It was cold, fucking freezing if he was honest, but he enjoyed the way the icy air felt on the way into his lungs, a slight but refreshing burn. The crew didn't hate him for choosing Greenland and he didn't regret anything. It was beautiful despite the cold.

He could already hear the critics judging him for filming a movie called Snow Queen, but they had no idea what was coming. Hyungwon hated cliches and decided plotlines. This was going to be everything but.

_Too bad you don't have Hoseok for this._

It would have enabled him to have the beautiful man close to him, but Hyungwon didn't want to make the same mistake again. Just because he was in love, the person didn't have to be present in his work. Hoseok already was, but differently, as himself instead of the role Hyungwon would have given him.

Some of his habits never changed. He still loved taking walks and reflecting on where his life was going. He still thought about the time he went to the burned house with Hoseok, standing in front of it and attempting to comprehend that it had been him, his hands that burned letter after letter and set fire to his belongings.

_You've never owned much since then._

Hyungwon didn't need much with Hoseok by his side, materialistic objects couldn't compare.

A smile spread his lips into a thin line and he hurried up, snow crunching under his boots and yielding to accommodate him. Following him was an easy task, each step perfectly impressed into the pearl-white surface surrounding him. His favourite were the endless ice surfaces, like a paradise, a real kingdom. The shots he had taken were enough to make him gasp, he couldn't wait to show them to Hoseok once he arrived.

Greenland had several disadvantages, no direct flights from Vienna among others. Still, the black-haired man had decided to come and visit him, even if it meant several changes and an endless trip by car and helicopter to where he was.

It almost made him laugh because it resembled a challenge, a proof of love that the younger man was giving him by coming all the way. Hyungwon expected him to arrive in the evening, even though there wasn't much to tell it apart from the morning. There were barely four hours of sunlight throughout the day and most of the actors had sunlight lamps to work against the Vitamin D deficiency and possible depression.

Hyungwon liked it for now, but it had only been a month. He loved the beautiful reflections of the moon in the snow, the deadly cold and the locals that were all in for showing him the beauty of their country. The darkness was perfect for his plans, at least for most of the movie. If he wanted sunlight there were a few hours to film and that was enough.

He wasn't supposed to stray too far, so he stopped, staring up at the moon again and wondering why living in the US with Hoseok or in Vienna for several months kept feeling like it had  been years ago. His feelings were still the same, he loved Hoseok and he wanted him close, but so much kept changing.

_It's like you're living one life after the next and Hoseok is part of each and every one of them._

“Are you done drowning in melancholy?” Kihyun yelled from the camp they had set up for the day with plenty of heaters for the rest of the crew.

Nodding, Hyungwon turned around, making his way back by stepping on the same footprints he had created. The snow was going to erase them overnight, but he preferred the sight when it was untouched. He was extremely careful and probably too slow for his best friend who laughed suddenly.

“You're pretty slow considering that your favourite boy came, looking like a penguin in that ski jacket with his gigantic arms. I really don't get you sometimes, Hyungwon,” Kihyun commented and gestured with his hands, covered by several layers like an onion. “You-”

Had it been a usual day, Hyungwon would have made fun of him for looking the same while being short in addition, but he didn't. Instead he yelled ‘Hoseok’ and couldn't be bothered to keep the snow intact,  running like crazy towards the camp, past his best friend.

“Hoseok!” he yelled again as he caught sight of the first members of the crew and a thick jacket he hadn't seen before. Not waiting a second longer, he sprinted over as fast as he could in the snow and jumped up to wrap his limbs around the squishy mass of jackets that must have been the black-haired man he had been thinking about for days, looking forward to seeing him. “How do you always manage to trick me every damn time? You always come earlier than announced, every fucking time. Shit, I missed you so much.”

“Oh god, your nose is red, did you walk around again? This is not a European city, Hyungwon, there's a reason I didn't know this country existed in the first place.” Hoseok laughed and lifted him, not caring about the crew members watching.

“But I love walks! I can be all melancholic and imagine there are footsteps next to mine. Watch me make a movie like this!” He laughed loudly, happiness bubbling in his chest and covered Hoseok’s face with kisses. He didn't want to let go. “I have to show you how beautiful it is! The moon makes all the snow light up, you have no idea how crazily mesmerizing the shots are! With the lights we use it looks like magic.”

“Yes, show me, show me everything, I'm sure that there's nothing impossible after this trip. I had to buy a jacket and I'm not sure where my limbs are because they're covered in so much thick fabric that I can only guess. But it's enough to show you.  Also I only got As this semester and the professor who always picked on me is really nice to me now. She said I changed and that she likes it.” The younger man looked gorgeous with the blush on his pale cheeks and the blood red mouth.

“I like it too,” Hyungwon whispered and kissed Hoseok’s lips, melting into how hot they were against his own. “I'm proud of you, Hoseok, you're doing amazing.”

“Enough! That’s enough or I'm going to puke right onto the pretty snow!” Kihyun exclaimed and pulled at their shoulders to separate them. His friend sounded annoyed but there was an obvious smile on his lips. “Hoseok needs to see more than your goofy face, come on.”

Hyungwon laughed and loosened his grip around Hoseok’s body. It felt really funny with the thick jackets because he couldn't tell whether he was hugging his love or a squishy penguin. It was probably better not to say that out loud. Knowing Hoseok he might have taken the jacket off only to prove a point.

“Let's go.” The other man loosened his embrace and nudged Kihyun playfully.

Hyungwon felt elated and grabbed Hoseok’s hand, pulling him through the snow and towards his favourite spot, the expanse of ice where they had been filming. The wind was still pretty brisk and the snow nowhere in sight, but there were enough external lights and the moon to see how beautiful it was.

“Look,” he whispered but couldn't pull his eyes away from Hoseok’s face. The younger man was so beautiful, real and finally with him again, in the middle of nowhere. It felt like Hoseok would keep appearing like that, following him wherever he went and keeping him warm.

“I love you,” he added quietly and squeezed the gloved hand in his, heart beating furiously.

“How does it feel?” The younger man kept looking at the beautiful landscape, hand holding onto his tightly.

“What exactly? Finally being next to you again or filming in the middle of nowhere?” Hyungwon smiled and continued watching Hoseok’s pretty face, cheeks red and eyes as gorgeously black as they always were. Was the younger man even aging? He couldn't tell.

“Being surrounded by ice instead of carrying it around within yourself.” Hoseok turned to him and he could see a hint of a smile.

Hyungwon's eyes widened at the comment as he finally understood, chest burning while the outside was several degrees below zero.

“Perfect,” he whispered, still mesmerized by the other man's presence, the warm fingers around his own and the fact that he was really in love. He couldn't remember the last time he had run to meet another person, impatient to feel their embrace. “You are perfect, Hoseok. I can’t believe that I am able to feel this way because of you. Please stay.”

“How can I not stay? You know, I won’t tell you that it’s perfect because I often feel sad and alone and wait hours for you to answer my messages. I also ask myself whether it’s normal to feel like this when I’m in love and cry when Minhyuk is busy and you’re filming the whole day, but in the end it all comes down to the fact that you love me and my weaknesses just like I love you and yours. And even if I have to fly all the way to Greenland, it’s still better than running around wearing a mask, or a splitter of ice, or whatever you want to call it, scared to get hurt, to be yourself and to feel. I feel and I laugh and I cry and I hate and I love. It’s all because of you and there’s nothing that I want more.” Hoseok cupped his face, cold fabric burning a little against his cheeks before the hot mouth connected to his, sending sparks along his lips and inside his body, melting everything in its reach like liquid fire.

Hoseok was right, expressing everything that he thought in beautiful words. Instead of speaking his own, he kissed back, hoping that his feelings came across, that the black-haired man would feel how much he mattered to him. He licked into Hoseok’s mouth and wrapped his arms around him, gasping into the kiss.

“I'll be in Vienna with you, in our apartment as soon as filming is over. It will be my home from now on, because it has you. I promise.”

“I would never let you forsake something that you love, only because I want to have you next to me. You’re a package. I wanted you even though it was clear that you’re an artist, that you need freedom and change, I will be your home, independent of the location. If you can’t come, then your home will come to you, embrace you and make you warm again.” Hoseok was beautiful, just like his words. “You are my stage to show what I can do and my curtain that allows me to return to who I am. I love you. Thank you for letting me in.”

Hyungwon pressed his lips together and fought the urge to cry and let the salty tears freeze on their way down his cheeks.

“Thank you for melting the shard,” he whispered and sniffed, still fighting with himself. He chuckled briefly at how easily Hoseok got to him, a few words and the bright, genuine smile were enough. “You always make me cry, you dick. Take responsibility.”

“Isn’t it beautiful to be weak like this?” the gorgeous black-haired man asked, dark eyes watching him intently before his curved lips spread in a breathtakingly beautiful smile that seemed to illuminate the darkness around them. Hyungwon smiled back, emotions filling out his chest that had felt so empty before.

“Yes, yes it is.”

_  


_“I'll tell you something banal. We're emotional illiterates. And not only you and I, practically everybody, that's the depressing thing. We're taught everything about the body and about agriculture in Madagascar and about the square root of pi, or whatever the hell it's called, but not a word about the soul._

_We're abysmally ignorant, about both ourselves and others. There's a lot of loose talk nowadays to the effect that children should be brought up to know all about brotherhood and understanding and coexistence and equality and everything else that's all the rage just now. But it doesn't dawn on anyone that we must first learn something about ourselves and our own feelings. Our own fear and loneliness and anger. We're left without a chance, ignorant and remorseful among the ruins of our ambitions. How can you understand other people if you don't know anything about yourself? Now you're yawning, so that's the end of the lecture.”_

\- Ingmar Bergman

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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